Disagreeable DCs

[Namingthings]

I don't know where to put this. DD Is 22 and DS 17. I can't say anything without being told "stop telling me off". I feel attacked for everything. I can't discuss anything with them because they defend the other and are mean to me. They don't seem to respect the time & effort I put into caring for them - lifts, paying for things.

There's obviously a backstory & the details would be long & boring. I'm divorced from their dad. He checks out of a lot of things & undermines me, often in front of them. He's also incredibly tight, so I pick up the financial responsibility, although Dd should be working now.

I just find their constant critical and hostile ways towards me so hard. Yet when I ask them: cab you make your bed, can you close the cupboard doors in kitchen, can you chuck empty chocolate wrappers away, it's seen as nagging. I always try to be nice about it but they ignore me. Their dad's house is grim (dirty, hoarding) and he is totally emotionally absent. Lets them do as they like, so of course I'm the bad cop.

Today I had a huge cry. A big argument. I asked DD to be ready to be collected for lunch at 12 as DS had driving lesson at 2. She was v late but also not communicated she was elsewhere. I went to collect her at 12.20, she tried to tan her bike into my car boot, scratched the car. I asked her to stop ramming "you're telling me off, stop ducking telling me off" then lots of other swearing. I wasn't shouting, I asked calmly to stop as she couldn't see what she was doing. It escalated & she just cycled home.

The two of them then pair up & I feel terribly attacked by them. DD suggests to DS that he lives with her at their dad's empty house.

Maybe worth saying DS is at boarding school so all the cleaning & laundry etc is done for him. Trying to gently encourage him to notice I do it gets the response "you're my mum, you're meant to do it".

How do I deal with this! I'm so upset today.

If she could ride her bike home why were you collecting her. Do lunch and say it's ready at X if they are not in the reheat it

You sound like a doormat . Your daughter is an adult and your son nearly there so stop doing everything for them . Set boundaries until they speak to you with respect . Stop running off crying and start being a parent . You have every right to be spoken to courteously.

If they want a car to use together then take advantage of the fact that they get along to get them to save money towards the car. If you want them to be less entitled and child like then get them to work and save so they can enjoy the fruits of their labour. Contribute a percentage if you like but if you want them to grow up then adult responsibilities need to go with the privileges.

I live in the sticks. The agreement is that I will buy the car and they will pay to insure themselves on it. DS won't need it for ages anyway, DD will need it for work. Yes he does know how.

Yes, that's exactly the plan. For now we've agreed that they will pay their insurance and an amount towards it, it's likely to be something inexpensive. I know they sound entitled by my initial post but they really arent.

I'm no doormat but I am often undermined by my ex. I def need to step back. I do have some control over them - not as pathetic as you are making me sound.

She was riding it home to her dad's house, not mine. I live too far for her to cycle. I told her she could try to put her bike in my boot, which was why she was ramming it in. Just realised some posters might read my initial post as her just ramming her bike into my boot for no reason - it was in some sort of context. I was in a rush as I left the lunch in the oven and ds needed to be somewhere by 2 pm. Obviously if i could have done as your suggestion and just reheated it, I would have.

Update: thank you for those who gave support and suggestions. Think things are ok again, both have independently apologised, dd with some thought and consideration about why I was so upset and with good understanding about being taken for granted and having time wasted, and poor communication. DS also said sorry for being rude and unhelpful and says he will try harder to tidy up after himself and to help me around the house more. Sounds good enough for now. Thanks for listening when I was alone & upset - those moments can really get to you when you're on your own.

She cycled home - so didn't need a lift.

Next time she asks for a lift say "urrrrgh - stop nagging me".

I found when my ds tried experimenting with the stroppy teen stage that mimicking his behaviour and showing him the consequences of it stopped him very short.

What also worked was when he asked for something I would just reply that I didn't have time as I was shutting all the kitchen cupboards back up (what is it with that?!), or putting all the wrappers in the bin etc. I didn't endgame in arguments but just was very dead pan and left him to figure it out himself.

Also show your ds and dd how to do their own washing. Then just do yours from now on.

You cannot change someone's bad attitude towards you by arguing. Change has to come from within someone. So they need to reason to find that strength from within to change.