Selfish teen, impact on rest of the family

[cazbar1980]

Hi, I have a 14yo daughter who has gradually become very selfish, only doing what she wants, when she wants. I've always worked hard professionally and at home, as I wanted to show her the value of putting in an effort from an early age. Now she's older I ask her to keep a tidy room, and help out with a couple of small chores. She feels she should be paid for anything she does around the house that doesn't directly benefit her.
I'm aware this is normal behaviour and I expect to be challenged from time to time but my main issue is that she will only do anything on her own terms, when she wants to do it. If I ask her to do something like tidy her room up, she will simply not do it. It waits until I ask again and then a third time at which point we fall out.

Like many teenagers, she lives her life 90% online. I take her phone at 10:30pm but that still isn't late enough for her liking. It sucks up all of her time and attention and she's not interested in spending family time together at all.

I'm often alone managing this on a day to day basis, but when her Step Dad and Step Brothers are around, the issues between us can impact on everyone else.
She has said on two recent family trips that she doesn't want to be around us and would prefer to spend time alone, which is very upsetting to hear.

We have a UK family holiday booked for the end of August (my husband and I, my daughter and her three step brothers). I'm considering offering her the option to stay at home with her father to avoid ruining the holiday for the rest of the family. It would be heartbreaking not to have her there but it's starting to feel like a constant battle that shouldn't happen when we're supposed to be having fun.

Has anyone been through this, had similar thoughts and does anyone have any first hand advice on what I can do to help her re-engage with family life?

Thanks.

At 14 my dd got left behind. While her 3 siblings had a trip.. She came the year after with a much better attitude..
WiFi password is available after her chores are done might work.

It sounds like the 3 step brothers are the issue. 3 more people = a lot more chores. Yes, I'd expect her to be paid for something for the entire family, since the majority of the family is not you and her.

Now she's older I ask her to keep a tidy room, and help out with a couple of small chores

Does step dad and step brothers have the same rules?

The only advice I can give is to give her a choice ref family holiday/ family day out involvement and don't push it too much. If there's an option to bring a friend maybe? If not let her stay with her dad.
Blended families are different and she may be struggling with that a little.

I just wanted to be with friends and my holidays were friends only from age 15 onwards. I had a split family also.

Your other rules are totally reasonable.

Ask her what's going on. Don't speak, just listen. There will possibly be things bothering her you don't realise.

Every summer there’s lots of posts from parents of 12-14 year olds (ish) asking the same question about holidays because their kids would want to stay in the hotel and use the wifi rather than go out and spend family time. Offering the option of staying with her father is probably the best way to ensure a good week for everyone.

I think you had to pick between a harmonious home life, and marrying/living with a man with three sons when you had a daughter. You picked the latter and not the former. You’d have to be naive in the extreme to expect both.

Yes, for clarity we've been a blended family since she was 6 years old.
Her step brothers stay every other weekend and two weeks during the summer holidays. When they stay with us, they are helpful chipping in with things like emptying the dishwasher, feeding pets, sweeping the kitchen floor (this is all I'm asking my daughter to do).
Her step father is a chef and works into the evenings. When he's home he sets a good example for contributing to the household also, cleaning, washing etc.

These issues have only started happening since she moved up to secondary school/got mobile phone etc. We've always done things as a family, only the past two academic years has she started to distance herself from us and object to engaging in family time.

She has always been more opinionated and headstrong than her step brothers and that's very apparent at this point! I want to do the right thing for all of us, her included, which is why I would love for her to join us on our break.

I would pick battles. Invite her on days out but don't force her. But make sure opportunities to do stuff with you 1:1 even if it's not exactly what you want to do.
With holiday perhaps ask her what she wants to do but make it clear if she does come she's to join in.
With chores perhaps a carrot approach of extra pocket money if completed in time to standard might help.

This is completely normal for teenagers.

Yes offer for her to stay with her father. It's possible she will realise what she's missed and want to go in future but it's also possible that she won't and would prefer to stay with her dad.

Are the step brothers older or younger?

(Ie is she the first in the blended family to go through adolescence?£

How old are your step sons?

I think you can ask your dd what she'd prefer for the holiday.
Lay down the basic expectations and what will be happening - if her reaction is negative then offer her the choice to stay with her dad framing it as her decision because she doesn't want to go.

I have 3 now adult DDs. I regarded their rooms as their personal space and did not interfere in how they kept it.

Thanks, she has one older, one the same age and one younger so she's slap bang in the middle.

My DS went through this. I took him away 1 to 1 without his DD and other DC. We did a few things he'd chosen and things I thought we'd both enjoy. It helped but he was still a teenage pain.

Once he'd grown up, in his late 20s, he told me, those 1 to 1 trips were some of his best memories as a teenager.

They do grow out of it eventually!

16, 14 and 11. She's always got on with them pretty well. I think it's her relationship with me that is the overriding issue and just not wanting to "comply" for want of a better word.

My dd is coming up for 13 - l am either her best friend OR she pushes back and argues with everything. It ia fucking draining.
Decided to pick my battles and only argue on things that actually matter - l won't tolerate rudeness but tonight she didn't want what l was making for dinner so l told her to sort herself out. And she did.
Her room is a shit tip but there is something she wants and l have told her until it is kept clean for 2 weeks, she's not having the thing. Simple - not arguing with her about it - she knows what she has got to do.
I do feel for you op but yes offer her a week with her dad

Thanks all for your sound advice. It helps to hear about what you've done to remedy things..... (and to the couple of keyboard warriors who like to try and make people feel a little worse than they already do, bravo 😘) 😂

@cazbar1980 , maybe try a book too like Lorraine Candy's book on parenting girls, it's different to boys.

I am going through very similar issues with my 14 yo daughter. Lots of risky behaviour, searching for male attention, inappropriate clothing thatshe sneaks out or changes at her friends house... we have a phone parental app and this helps to track her and I have awareness of messages etc... she lies all the time to us and it just breaks my heart that she can't see how much she is hurting us.. 😢😢😢😢

My dd is slightly younger 12 and this week she has lost her tv, iPad from her room and her phone is handed to us once she is back to school.
This was due to a growing change of attitude, disrespect to both parents and house. Just leaving mess everywhere and the state of her bedroom. I was having constant battles with her over everything- clean clothing, homework, cleaning teeth! I don’t want to nag her, but she needs to do these things!

We are only on day 3 but the last 2 evenings DD has spent time with us, Joined us on a dog walk and watched tv with us (her general attitude seems improved). As otherwise she would have been in her room -chilling!

She does have set chores each week - has to wash pots 2 nights, take dog for a walk 1 night. Hoover lounge 2 nights.

I feel for you op. im still going through this with my dd and she's 17. im actually wondering if it'll ever end. To top it all my almost 13 year old ds is now starting to follow suit and exhibit the same behaviour.
If im honest I no longer enjoy being around my dc's and much prefer it when they're not home. Although I would never let them know I feel this way.
They're not badly behaved but just miserable to be around. they nit pick at everything i say and im old and stupid apparently. I love them but don't like them at the moment.
My friends teen is lovely, bubbly and pleasant which makes me feel worse and makes me wonder if its my parenting that has made mine this way, although I cannot understand where I have gone wrong.
I suppose looking back to myself as a teen I was slightly like my dd but no where near as bad and I was very happy to help my mum with chores. infact i would often do chores without being asked and I never expected payment.but maybe that's the generational difference.
I now see couples with new babies and little ones cooing over how lovely they are and I think give it 12 years!

oh @theblackradiator I really feel your pain reading that post - I feel the same - I feel tense every minute when things are going wrong at home with the kids - and yes I look at others with cheery polite teens and when mine are in a bad mood it just feels like total parenting fail

The phones are bloody evil aren't they OP. I am currently trying to wrestle back some control on my sons he is 13, of course have left it too late really should have been much stricter from the beginning

@waterrat yes im way more tense when teens are home and its not that things kick off in a major way. its just their overall sulkyness, attitude, nitpicking at everything i say puts me on edge. They also take offence at everything I say, I ask if they're OK and I am met with.. "why shouldn't I be" and a tut.
17 year old doesn't have many friends so is home a lot moaning that she's bored but pulls her face at everything i suggest. When I ask her what she'd like to do or like to go she just says there's nowhere to go or nothing to do.
im dreading her finishing college for the 10 weeks summer break. I really wish she could find a job, she's applied for lots with no luck.
I sometimes wish I could move out and leave them too it.
And as for friends cheery, upbeat teens my friends teens are 16 and 13 and if im on phone to friend and her teens happen to be there they'll always shout hello to me from across the room in a cheery voice even though I haven't seen them in a long time and am not particularly close to them.
My dcs won't even acknowledge their own relatives. im actually quite envious of how lovely her teens are.

Yeah I was going to start a thread to have rant about mine but I think I can just join in here. 14 and 16. Just back from their dad's. So far I've been yelled at for asking twice for ds to get in a shower and screamed at by DD for not magically finding her glasses which SHE loses constantly and not managing her contact lens use so she doesn't constantly run out. I've spent £££ on her room getting it exactly right except it's still not so she can't possibly do any revision and it's all my fault and I am selfish for putting washing on instead of continuing help her look. There's a house full of food but nothing to eat apparently. Drawers full of clothes but nothing to wear. I never do anything like put up a shelf or tweak some minor detail so I'm crap, despite doing fuckimg everything for everyone. I'm so done. Sorry OP...slight hijack there.

yep to the having no clothes even though there's a wardrobe full of them, some brand new with tags. Dd chooses clothes herself when shopping then they get shoved in the wardrobe and never worn as she doesn't like them anymore. Also decorated her room for her to soon decide she didn't like it and cover it with posters. tbh I was surprised posters were still a thing lol.

My dd is 14. She actively tells me that me asking her to do something makes her not want to do it - even if she had planned to. She is on a pathway for said / asd diagnosis though.

she also prefers to be alone. She won’t generally want to come out anywhere with me if it’s just popping to do some shopping but she will come on days out with her older sister though.