Daughter and boyfriend… I know it needs to run its course

[DamnitImTired]

So our dd 19 (my sd) has been in a relationship with her boyfriend 20 for about 18 months.
He is a nice enough guy but we have some concerns over the seriousness of the relationship.
They seem to have skipped over the ‘fun’ part of being youngsters and have immersed themselves in this relationship that is destined in their eyes to be marriage as the end goal. Whilst we are not opposed to the idea that marriage is a good goal it’s rather that we have raised her to be independent and to think for herself. She is smart and beautiful and has been given opportunities that neither myself or my husband where given has young adults.
The opportunity to study at a residential university away from home was given to her and she declined it so that she could be with the boyfriend. He has not been given the same opportunities due to his families finances and seems to be set on a traditional small town life for himself with a ‘trad’ wife.
He spent 6 months abroad working while she was finishing high school and has come back with the idea that the rest of the world ‘sucks’ and home is the place to be. Our daughter has also expressed her desire to see the world and use her education to experience life outside of home. That view seems to have changed due to this relationship and her Pinterest vision board has changed from pics appropriate for a young woman of the world to one of weddings and nurseries and home making trad wives.
Whilst everyone tells me that things will work out and kids will grow up and outgrow early relationships, I have my doubts as this is getting more and more serious.
I understand that perhaps this is the path that she may think is best for her and it may work out ok for her it just breaks my heart that she has changed her view on life so dramatically. I worry that coming from a divorced family may have affected how she sees relationships and is investing too much into the security of this one person and forgetting her own independence.
I also fully understand that parents roles are to support so please refrain from reminding me of my place. And I understand that my dreams and my husbands hopes for his child will not necessarily be hers but we feel like she is selling her life short of her potential.

I can understand your concerns, but you have to let her find out for herself. I had a relationship like that from age 21. Ultimately I realised I wanted more (he wouldn't even let me work) and by the time I was 29 I was a divorced mother of 2. If it's any consolation, I subsequently trained as a lawyer and am now a partner in my firm.

She will be ok.

I’d try and get her on very effective contraceptive ( coil or implant)
pregnancy is the weapon of choice… I’d spin it as you don’t want to get pregnant before marriage

and if I could afford it take her (and her only) on a family holiday somewhere amazing (we went to the Amazon on the Peruvian side and it was surprisingly cheap, south east Asia is also a great shout)

Is she studying somewhere good (but living at home) or working in a job with prospects? If so that’s the main thing IMO.

by ‘trad wife’ views and social media content do you mean that her boyfriend has sexist views and would expect her to SAH if they had DC? Or do paid work and loads of domestic work? If so I’d be discussing that with her as a concern.

if she’s living in your home I’d limit the number of nights a week he can stay over, eg 2.

And yes I’d be discussing contraception and the realities of being a single mum!

Firstly:

Lots of teens take their early relationships very seriously and talk about engagement and marriage. Talk is not action. She isn't married or even engaged. About the only thing that would actually stop her travelling once this relationship is over is a child so I'd be talking to her about contraception.

Also, even if she did get engaged or even married, this can be undone very easily if she wants to (unless there is a child, see above). It also doesn't stop her travelling if she wants to.

She is studying somewhere good enough but not where she wanted to originally before he was a feature.
We haven’t really explored the ‘trad’ wife views to that extent so it could be my interpretation from what I see and hear and I could be reflecting on my own youth and independence that I was so certain was a necessary part of finding out who I was before I chose a life with a husband and kids.
There are some red flags which I feel signal control but they are sold to me as ‘caring and gentlemanly’… tracking each other on life 360, he drives everywhere and doesn’t like her to drive, someone put a glass of wine in front of her at a family function and he removed it and replaced it with water…

I could be reading far too much into it but it really seems a life devoid of fun and I often remark to my husband that they behave like they are 20 years older than us.

Jesus Christ that is red flag central

id be looking hard keeping her close, at girls days out, facilitating socialising with her girl friends etc.

DD got engaged at 17 (!!) and then married at just turned 22. We're still not totally convinced but it seems to be going OK so far.

Well to a lot of women she needs to get her ring and start having babies and be a sahm so University would be useless

Personally I would suggest she waits but sounds like she won't so all you can do is sit back and listen when she gets older and complains about her issues

I don't think anything anyone says will make a difference, sure if it sounds totally fair and they both do their own thing together it could work and she could be perfectly happy but in this case doesn't sound it

Thanks for sharing my concerns… it really helps to have some support.
Added complication is that I am step mom…
the place where advice or opinions are not always welcome from.

she doesn’t live with us and when I talk to my husband about my concerns he really seems to flip flop between the idea that my concerns are valid and liking the idea that his daughter is being ‘looked after’ as her mom doesn’t seem to be very present especially now as the kids get older

We were discussing another teen family member and how they seem to be jumping from this snog to that snog every week and the BF told me he considers himself lucky that my SD will be his first and last relationship. It made me shiver.

So if she doesn't live with you and mum isn't very present it seems quite likely that she is looking for safety and security and someone who (seems to) care about her rather than having fun.

If you have spent your teen years feeling like you don't matter to people than having someone who behaves in a way like what you do matters can be really important to you.

In the circumstances you describe I suspect she is looking for security not fun.

Yes, exactly this.

We don’t live in the same cities and she wouldn’t come and live with us especially now with the relationship being the priority. But this doesn’t mean we don’t care about the outcome.

We have often had the conversation about the responsibilities of children and her mom was a teen mom which compounded her parents fractured marriage so she has the bad examples to learn from. I’m told that they are practicing Christian’s and so sex before marriage is not on the cards and therefore contraception is not needed.

If there had been such a thing as the internet 50 years ago, I can imagine that my mum would have posted something very similar about me. I chose not to go to university, or even to stay into the sixth form, and moved in with my boyfriend when I had just turned 18; we got our first mortgage two years later and got married a year after that. I was completely aware of what I was doing by the time I got to 18, and knew I was making the right decisions for me. I was working full time by the September after I left school, had a successful career, and took further qualifications through day release and evening classes.

I do agree that some of the things you've mentioned in your second post are red flags, but if your daughter is happy with a more traditional relationship, there is nothing inherently wrong with that if it's what she wants. Just because she is 18 doesn't mean that she is too young or immature to know what she wants from her life.

Does she have siblings? What do they think? She's probably more likely to listen to them.

Her older brother (my SS) has mentioned something similar but he is in a long distance relationship with someone and they haven’t seen each other in a year so I don’t really value his judgement on what is normal and what isn’t. He is very different to her and has never had the same dreams or opportunities she has had.

I think having an intense ‘first love’ relationship is fairly normal. I know I wanted to marry my first boyfriend at that age and got angry ant anyone who implied I was too young to make those kind of decisions.

A couple of year later though, my urge to do more with my life became like an insatiable itch and suddenly I saw his lack of ambition and motivation to see anywhere new as a turn off and I broke up with him.

I will say that I did still go to uni away from where he was during this time and I think it was this exposure to life without him that helped me come to the conclusion I did.

I think all you can do is encourage any independent adventures for her, while still appearing to ‘root’ for their relationship. This is what my mum did with me going away to uni. Spent a lot of time reassuring me how I could still maintain my relationship while I was away and how it would benefit ‘us’ as a couple if I got a degree etc... By keeping my boyfriend in the picture, I didn't feel like she was encouraging me to separate myself from him (although I'm pretty sure that's what she wanted!) so didn't feel like it was threatening to our relationship. In fact, she would tell me what a strong foundation it would build for the relationship if we could navigate a long-distance relationship and I started to see it as some sort of relationship love challenge to prove our commitment!

Ultimately she is an adult so she will forge her own path. You just have to be there to support her no matter what path she takes.

We were discussing another teen family member and how they seem to be jumping from this snog to that snog every week and the BF told me he considers himself lucky that my SD will be his first and last relationship. It made me shiver.

I would have a careful think about the language you use around DH and around SD. Surely teenagers should be 'jumping from this snog to that snog*! It sounds like you were suggesting there's something wrong with having a bit of casual fun in your teens and maybe she's picked up on that? I would also be very concerned about some of the things you mentioned - taking away her wine and not allowing her to drive is 100% controlling behaviour. At the very least don't let all these little moments pass unmentioned because that way it becomes 'normal'.

Tread carefully but keep chipping away - and try your hardest to get DH on board.

I think you misunderstood… I was completely saying that the fun was normal. My SD and her BF were absolutely horrified and judgemental of her behavior. I had to remind them that this relative was doing what most people would consider normal for teenagers.

Sorry op I read the part I quoted incorrectly. I thought you were having the conversation with DH not her BF. But even so, I would be challenging him (gently) every single time - ie 'jumping from snog to snog? Perfectly normal teenage fun surely?'...

Yeah sorry op 🙂

I would still make sure I didn't allow the little things to go on unnoticed tho..the wine glass, and particularly not doing the driving.

Has she seen much of the world? I was wondering if you could take her away somewhere - a weekend in Paris, or NY - could sell it as something you wanted to do and need company. Just for some new experiences. Ultimately it does need to run its course wherever it takes them but you can make opportunities for her to have a bit of fun.

Her brother has asked us to help him financially so he can go and visit his partner. I think I am going to suggest that to make the ‘gifting’ even and arrange that she goes and visits some family abroad.

I need her to open her eyes.

I completely understand your concerns.

I have tried drilling it into my DD that there is more to life than men and getting married and having kids - all of which can be done but they don’t need to be done at such a young age.
So I’d be very upset if she ended up doing similar to your DD.

But it is her life and she’s an adult, so there isn’t much you can do.

I would keep telling her that her and her bf should appreciate their youth and spend their time travelling and spending money on whatever they want.

I would try not to say anything negative about the bf else that might push her towards him.

I would also encourage her to keep spending time with/making friends because you can be in a relationship and have a healthy social life too.
Too many people (especially young ones) think you need to give up your friendships or going out partying just because you’re in a relationship.

Ultimately, you have to let her live her own life.
If that means getting married and having kids young, then that’s her own choice to make.

I was of the thought as long as she is happy and doesn't feel pressured by her bf then fine, but then you wrote this

There are some red flags which I feel signal control but they are sold to me as ‘caring and gentlemanly’… tracking each other on life 360, he drives everywhere and doesn’t like her to drive, someone put a glass of wine in front of her at a family function and he removed it and replaced it with water…

So many controlling relationships on here seem to start with similar, low level control. Why wasn't she allowed a glass of wine? I take it he was allowed to drink.
Does she still see her friends, alone, or does he have to go with her everywhere?
It might just be young love, and the need to be together all the time. But when he has travelled and she hasn't, even though it was some she wanted to do, and now he says home is the best place and everywhere else is rubbish, so now she no longer wants to travel, it does feel like her world is getting small.