Daughter and boyfriend… I know it needs to run its course

[DamnitImTired]

So our dd 19 (my sd) has been in a relationship with her boyfriend 20 for about 18 months.
He is a nice enough guy but we have some concerns over the seriousness of the relationship.
They seem to have skipped over the ‘fun’ part of being youngsters and have immersed themselves in this relationship that is destined in their eyes to be marriage as the end goal. Whilst we are not opposed to the idea that marriage is a good goal it’s rather that we have raised her to be independent and to think for herself. She is smart and beautiful and has been given opportunities that neither myself or my husband where given has young adults.
The opportunity to study at a residential university away from home was given to her and she declined it so that she could be with the boyfriend. He has not been given the same opportunities due to his families finances and seems to be set on a traditional small town life for himself with a ‘trad’ wife.
He spent 6 months abroad working while she was finishing high school and has come back with the idea that the rest of the world ‘sucks’ and home is the place to be. Our daughter has also expressed her desire to see the world and use her education to experience life outside of home. That view seems to have changed due to this relationship and her Pinterest vision board has changed from pics appropriate for a young woman of the world to one of weddings and nurseries and home making trad wives.
Whilst everyone tells me that things will work out and kids will grow up and outgrow early relationships, I have my doubts as this is getting more and more serious.
I understand that perhaps this is the path that she may think is best for her and it may work out ok for her it just breaks my heart that she has changed her view on life so dramatically. I worry that coming from a divorced family may have affected how she sees relationships and is investing too much into the security of this one person and forgetting her own independence.
I also fully understand that parents roles are to support so please refrain from reminding me of my place. And I understand that my dreams and my husbands hopes for his child will not necessarily be hers but we feel like she is selling her life short of her potential.

Yes the generational curse we are so desperate to break by offering her opportunities that we and her mother didn’t have.
My Husband comes from a limiting religious background and has taken years of self discovery to understand how confining that life was and that while it was sold to him as ‘doing the right thing’ it didn’t always mean or equal happiness.

I've got a couple of schoolfriends who are early 60s and a very few years off their Golden Wedding anniversaries and my PIL were together from basically childhood for the rest of their lives. I think the main (good) factor in all these cases is that they built each other up and encouraged what the other wanted to do with their lives, lots of give and take obviously but equality and no control.

That doesn't seem to be the case here and I get your concerns. I would question (very politely and sweetly) any example of controlling behaviour he exhibits in front of you, while never criticising him to her directly. It's difficult but be there for her, it will play out and if she has strong support from you, she's already in a better position than many.

Just an update. Kids spent a weekend here with us. On leaving to go back home my husband expressed his sheer exhaustion at how much ‘space’ this BF of his daughter takes up. Non stop talking about himself and what he what he thinks about everything. Following my husband around like a puppy dog and chewing his ear off all weekend. 😂😂😂

Anyway I just had a quick snoop on his Pinterest account and it’s basically a shrine (vision board) to my husband and all our material possessions. A bit worrying.

What a strange boy, I'd definitely be having a word with your DD about him.

Your last update is very strange x

Strange indeed. Seems like a very insecure young man who is desperate to anchor his relationship with our daughter by finding common ground with my husband.

Or he has his eye set on your husband!