I’ve been on strike for a week and nothing is changing!

[UnluckyStrike]

Just me and 15yo DS at home.

He is a very lazy teen at home. I believe he struggles with time organisation and prioritising etc. Doesn’t do jobs as they arise, instead let’s them mount up and then he’s overwhelmed by it.

However, he is a very hard worker at his shop job and school. So he CAN put effort in when he needs to.

Since he was about twelve, he has been responsible for his own laundry, ironing shirts for school etc and keeping his room tidy (changing bed sheets, hoovering and polishing it once a week). This was the deal for him to receive £5 per week pocket money. On weeks where he didn’t do it, he didn’t get the pocket money. I thought this would ensure he’d grow up understanding responsibility - how wrong was I?!

Since he’s got his own job and earning more money, he isn’t doing anything around the house now.

I am sickened by how messy he is. Dishes in his rooms for weeks resulting in fruit flies, laundry not been done for 4 weeks since the start of the summer holidays except work uniform (he actually went and bought a packet of pants from Tesco the other day rather than wash his current ones!), bed sheets not been washed since the start of the summer. His room is a midden and he doesn’t seem to care. I can smell it - mouldy food etc - as I walk by it.

I have absolutely broken down in the past few weeks. I’ve told him how it’s affecting my mental health as i like to keep a tidy house and i feel as though my house is now infested with bugs etc and smells horrid. I’m too embarrassed to have friends round for dinner. He is very dismissive and just says it’s his room and he’ll get to it at some point.

Things have now escalated as he’s started leaving dishes in the kitchen sink (we don’t have a dishwasher) for me to wash, crumbs in the floor and counter etc. And he goes through soooo many glasses a day. i’ve told him no chance. he either washes it immediately after use or takes it to his room.

I’ve now run out of cutlery and glasses so have told him he needs to wash them today or he’s banned from using any crockery or cutlery etc and will need to use paper items. he said no problem and is planning to go buy disposable plates and cutlery for himself today.

I am actually losing the plot. I don’t know what to do. I feel like every second i’m on edge thinking i can see flies or the smell is seeping into my curtains etc.

Today i have told him he’s banned from loitering in any other room of the house until his bedroom is sorted. I’ve not made him any meals or been shopping in over a week either. He doesn’t know how to cook (he’s never taken me up on the offer to learn) so is now getting annoyed as there are no more tins left or bread etc as he’s been living off beans and soup and toast for the past week as well as brining food home from the cafe he works at. I’ve told him i’d be more than happy to cook a proper meal as soon as his room is tidy.

My strike action isn’t working. I need to go do a big shop and i do need to make some proper dinners but he’s just going to help himself to this and add to the crap already in his room. What can i do???

Today i threatened to take a photo and video of his room and put it on facebook. he said i wouldn’t dare and to be honest i don’t think i do have the guts as it’s so embarrassing.

How can i get him to tidy his room when i’ve already stopped doing everything for him with no effect?

He isn’t at all bothered by it. I can’t cut off anything else for him. His grandparents pay his unlimited phone data, turning of wi-fi won’t work. We have no nearby family to talk to him other than his gran who is a total sexist and softie and will tell me off for not helping him tidy his room.

I DID help him tidy his room a few months ago the last time it go this bad - this consisted of him lying on his bed playing games while dictating to me where things go! Never again! I think he is so stubborn that he’s be willing to hold out until i get that desperate again and just do it for him. Absolutely NOT.

Pardon?
You think that putting your clothes in the wash and bringing pages of food back to the ,it hen is too much?
That kart ici pâti g at doing the washing up is not on either?

At what age exactly do you consider it normal fir them to start looking after themselves?

Why not offer to cook his favourite meal tonight. Tell him I’m thinking cooking X if you fancy it? Then explain that he’ll need to bring his plates etc down and he can wash them while you cook. You’ve got into a stalemate and neither is wanting to back down, so offer a gentle way to save face.

In the minority here but I think he is doing really well with his job and school work. He is still a child and I would be supporting him by doing his laundry, cooking etc. I wouldn’t be allowing meals in his room and I have learnt that while they can live in a pigsty I can not, so yes I go and get things out of their rooms. I also ensure they are kept reasonably tidy and clean even if that means picking up rubbish and vacuuming in there. It’s my home and I won’t have no go areas in it. They strip and make their beds but I ask them for the sheets to wash. They are perfectly capable of looking after themselves when at uni but their standards are lower than mine. I also will forever see it as my role to parent them and for me that also means looking after them.

Don’t post a picture or try to humiliate him in front of his friends. No one will care and you will look like a fool - because it won’t change anything and you will be on social media as “that” mother.

Could you just give him some clear instructions and a deadline, rather than vague "Room needs to be tidy and I'm on strike until it is"?

I don't think it's abusive but I think the approach you are taking is unlikely to have the effect that you want - it seems to be enticing him to treat it like a game or a sort of battle between you.

If he struggles with prioritisation and time management and he gets overwhelmed then he probably doesn't really know where to start. Clear instructions would help with that, and would help with an ongoing plan to maintain a state of tidiness that you're OK with.

It's tough with teenagers in the home for sure.

When my DS was in his teens, I was so frustrated with him. His room was a terrible mess, he didn't know how to cook, didn't help around the house, was oppositional and disorganised and frankly quite rude. ie typical teen.

However, I found he had picked up skills for this along the way and now, at 25, he's one of the tidiest people I know. He keeps his flat beautifully clean and he regularly cooks for his girlfriend and for our whole family when we're together.

The way your son is now, isn't necessarily how he will be forever.

Teens brains are wired a little differently to adults. It may be helpful to understand a little more about what's going on for him as a teen (to know that he's not being an a*hole on purpose!)

There's an interesting podcast on teens and their brains here:

shows.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri/episodes/teenagers

This is not the way to handle it. This is too severe. My parents did this to me as a teenager and I’ve never forgotten it. I’d take away all electronics and wifi privileges first. Then I’d take the £5 you paid him as “pocket money” to tidy from his wage instead until he started to clean up after himself again.

OP

You start tidying his room. Making sure there are no dishes, laundry is in the basket etc. Doesn't have to be sparkling but tidy and acceptable.

You then start charging him £25 a week for the privilege. He either does it or you do it. But if you do it- it’s £25 a week.

This thread is batshit. OP is being a shit parent, absolutely no warmth in the posts talking about the child. He is doing well at school, holding down a job & sounds like a good kid. You’ll be lucky to see him once he’s at uni if you carry on living like this.

Letting his room get to the extent described is appalling & neglectful on Op’s part..

You can't charge your own school age child for you looking after them.

My friend did this to her daughter. She locked the bags in her garage and her daughter had to "earn" them back.

It worked.

This is silly.
Call a truce.
Consequences aren't working and this is a sure fire way to create conflict.
You need to find a way to reset this behaviour so that there is more respect.
But you also need to step back a little so he experiences the natural consequences of his actions/inactions.

He doesn’t care about his messy room. He probably dreams of living alone in a flat as messy as his room. In fact, as a teen he’s probably feeling good about being in opposition to you as he works towards adulthood. He doesn’t see any good outcome for him to tidying up. So he won’t.

I think the only two strategies you have are

• do yourself what makes you angriest. Go in when he’s at work and clear out the plates, bins etc. He’ll probably absolutely hate that and to keep you out he might start taking stuff downstairs himself.
• Alternatively, bag his stuff up and he has to earn it back (although he might be able to afford to buy as he goes, so that might not work).

Definitely take photos/videos, but not to put on the internet. When he is a bit more mature you can bring them out and have a good laugh.

This is silly.
Call a truce.
Consequences aren't working and this is a sure fire way to create conflict.
You need to find a way to reset this behaviour so that there is more respect.
But you also need to step back a little so he experiences the natural consequences of his actions/inactions.

Expecting a child to do their own laundry and ironing at 12 is awful! He’s still a kid at 15, is at school plus working and is just rebelling against your control. When did you decide to stop being the parent here?
Sit down with him, decide on a plan moving forward, help him to reset.

Surely it's better to have a full load of washing rather than each doing their own?

I agree with chores but not making a child do everything for themselves from 12. It's not surprising they're rebelling now- you've relinquished responsibility so why should they contribute to your agenda now?

You shouldn't allow food into the bedroom- do you not eat together?

I was referring solely to the son's dare regarding the photo, nothing else.

"I dare you" is challenging behaviour and he should be taught to realise he will meet people in life who very much will "dare", with what could be an unfortunate outcome for him.

This is the one aspect of his behaviour the OP has outlined which she can effectively control by following through on her threat - and it would hopefully be a life lesson for him.

Getting into a battle with him doesn't seem to be working. And I do not agree with others saying you need to double down on the punishments. It's not worked so far, so why would it work in the future. It's more likely to damage your relationship with him in the long run.

Similarly, humiliating him (by doing things like posting photos of his messy room on FB) is unlikely to work either. It's just setting up an unpleasant dynamic.

15 year olds are different developmentally to uni age young people. They are still children (albeit large ones!). They need help and support and encouragement to keep on top of things.

How about you try to work together on this? Set aside some time to clear his room together. And then reward yourselves with a nice takeaway or something you both enjoy doing together.

This attitude is why we have so many men who expect their wives to do everything.

Appallingly low standards.

It absolutely is not. This is a child who still needs parenting, not made to be a fully responsible adult and neglected to boot.

my kids are capable of all manner of domestic chores however they still need to be cared for and parented.

Allowing a kid to live in squalor is absolute neglectful & shit parenting!

I've never heard of any 15yp polishing anything ever.

He's a skank but your standards and expectations of a child are on the other end of extreme.

Of all the suggestions on MN surely
“switch off the internet “ must be the most stupid. That affects everyone in the family.

It doesn’t have to be a big battle though. Once you start on the threats it’s going to go over their heads and it ends up being a house of endless conflict, especially with all the nonsense spewed on here about removing his bed and his door.

My teenage son is quite messy, often plates left upstairs. He brings them down eventually or if I’m in his room I’ll bring them down and remind him to not leave them up there. I do the washing as my (very tidy) elder son was costing me a fortune with his putting a wash and dry on every day. Younger son has a laundry bag in his room now as clothes were being left on the floor. No fuss, I put the bag in there, asked him to use it and he does.

My messy son is off to Uni this year. He’ll learn or he’ll live in a mess. My guess is he won’t want his new friends seeing his room messy.

OP needs to find a middle ground. Tidy his room together then keep regular tabs on the state of it. It’s much easier to check it regularly from a clean and tidy state.

That’s always a go to on MN never mind that other family members need it.

There's teamwork - everyone in the family expected to pull their weight.

Then there's telling a kid to look after themselves.

The first is positive, the second negative.

Of course boys and men should contribute equally.