I’ve been on strike for a week and nothing is changing!

[UnluckyStrike]

Just me and 15yo DS at home.

He is a very lazy teen at home. I believe he struggles with time organisation and prioritising etc. Doesn’t do jobs as they arise, instead let’s them mount up and then he’s overwhelmed by it.

However, he is a very hard worker at his shop job and school. So he CAN put effort in when he needs to.

Since he was about twelve, he has been responsible for his own laundry, ironing shirts for school etc and keeping his room tidy (changing bed sheets, hoovering and polishing it once a week). This was the deal for him to receive £5 per week pocket money. On weeks where he didn’t do it, he didn’t get the pocket money. I thought this would ensure he’d grow up understanding responsibility - how wrong was I?!

Since he’s got his own job and earning more money, he isn’t doing anything around the house now.

I am sickened by how messy he is. Dishes in his rooms for weeks resulting in fruit flies, laundry not been done for 4 weeks since the start of the summer holidays except work uniform (he actually went and bought a packet of pants from Tesco the other day rather than wash his current ones!), bed sheets not been washed since the start of the summer. His room is a midden and he doesn’t seem to care. I can smell it - mouldy food etc - as I walk by it.

I have absolutely broken down in the past few weeks. I’ve told him how it’s affecting my mental health as i like to keep a tidy house and i feel as though my house is now infested with bugs etc and smells horrid. I’m too embarrassed to have friends round for dinner. He is very dismissive and just says it’s his room and he’ll get to it at some point.

Things have now escalated as he’s started leaving dishes in the kitchen sink (we don’t have a dishwasher) for me to wash, crumbs in the floor and counter etc. And he goes through soooo many glasses a day. i’ve told him no chance. he either washes it immediately after use or takes it to his room.

I’ve now run out of cutlery and glasses so have told him he needs to wash them today or he’s banned from using any crockery or cutlery etc and will need to use paper items. he said no problem and is planning to go buy disposable plates and cutlery for himself today.

I am actually losing the plot. I don’t know what to do. I feel like every second i’m on edge thinking i can see flies or the smell is seeping into my curtains etc.

Today i have told him he’s banned from loitering in any other room of the house until his bedroom is sorted. I’ve not made him any meals or been shopping in over a week either. He doesn’t know how to cook (he’s never taken me up on the offer to learn) so is now getting annoyed as there are no more tins left or bread etc as he’s been living off beans and soup and toast for the past week as well as brining food home from the cafe he works at. I’ve told him i’d be more than happy to cook a proper meal as soon as his room is tidy.

My strike action isn’t working. I need to go do a big shop and i do need to make some proper dinners but he’s just going to help himself to this and add to the crap already in his room. What can i do???

Today i threatened to take a photo and video of his room and put it on facebook. he said i wouldn’t dare and to be honest i don’t think i do have the guts as it’s so embarrassing.

How can i get him to tidy his room when i’ve already stopped doing everything for him with no effect?

He isn’t at all bothered by it. I can’t cut off anything else for him. His grandparents pay his unlimited phone data, turning of wi-fi won’t work. We have no nearby family to talk to him other than his gran who is a total sexist and softie and will tell me off for not helping him tidy his room.

I DID help him tidy his room a few months ago the last time it go this bad - this consisted of him lying on his bed playing games while dictating to me where things go! Never again! I think he is so stubborn that he’s be willing to hold out until i get that desperate again and just do it for him. Absolutely NOT.

@CoffeeBeansGalore that's called 'abuse' btw

Christ. How pathetic

<clicks hide thread>

Thanks everyone - some really good ideas to try.

I absolutely regret tying chores to pocket money when he was younger. The motivation for doing the jobs has now gone as he’s able to make more money in his own job.

I just don’t understand how he is able to spend any time in that room. It is beyond disgusting.

I absolutely don’t want to go back to doing his laundry for him as he will be moving out to uni in 2 years and that’s the least of the self-care jobs he will have to learn. That feels like a step back to me.

This week has made me realise he needs to start helping more with meal prep though. I have loads of things in the cupboards that can easily be put together but he doesn’t know how to make a basic tomato sauce. So now he’s annoyed because we’ve run out of tins and fridge stuff as I’ve held off going for the big shop. I have suggested lots of times that i teach him some basic cooking but he’s never wanted to.

I need to pause and think of next steps. Current approach not working. Going to read back through the ideas and make a plan for when he’s back home in a few hours.

That’s nuts.

The stand off isn't working and I agree with the poster about he's got a job ,working hard and doing well at school, so that's great. In the two years before uni I'd rather be modelling living in a clean place, having clean clothes , seeing cooking going on and having good food rather than a further 2 years of letting him live in squalor and thinking this is ok and fighting with him. If he's been washing his clothes since 12 years, he knows how to use a machine. It's not rocket science. Can you offer to help him with his work clothes as he's bothering going to work ,build bridges .

What is the rest of your relationship like with him? He’s absolutely making a point of some sort with his ‘dirty protest’ and demonstrating power, too, in that he’s making it very clear that now he earns some money of his own, he can also ‘go on strike’ at home. He clearly knows he’s hurting you as well as himself. Might there be something other than laziness going on?

Empty his room and take his door off.
people who are saying it’s extreme etc, if nothing else is working what do you expect OP to do?

Stop escalating it. He sounds like a stubborn little fucker and you're not going to win. I reckon even if you do the, frankly batshit, suggestions on here like removing his bed he'll still carry on.

Go in and clear out the food waste stuff. Stop him eating in his room or nag him to the point of boredom about it. Let him live in his dirty sheets and clothes.

That's borderline abuse and also known as fighting fire with fire.

We have a 'fuck it bucket' & anything that's left out is put in there.
My house stays at my standards, they can be slobs when they pay for their own houses.
If mouldy drinks bottles end up in the bucket with expensive stuff then it's a lesson learned that they should have put things away.

Anyone who says to me, "You wouldn't dare" always finds I do dare. That phrase is a red rag to a bull in my case. That said, I'm careful to make only those threats I'd have no hesitation in making a reality.

Take that photo and get it out there.😙

I'm going to go against the grain here. I think you're expecting a lot from a 15yr old. That's a big chore list. Yes we need to teach them responsibilities and to be independent but this is too much at once. It's also our job as parents to take care of our children and do some of these things.

Take a day together to get it sorted out and back to where you want it to be.

Is it really too much to chuck his clothes in the laundry with yours? Why does he need to do his own all the time? Perhaps just being responsible for his work uniform would be enough.

Hoovering and dusting, isn't something that's really on a 15yr olds radar. Maybe you need to be more explicit on when you want it to be done e.g. 'could you please hoover before the end of the day.'

Changing sheets, how about you strip the bed when you want it done and he puts the new sheets on?

Teenage boys are disgusting and aren't usually going to do these things of their own accord.

He's 15, yes he can bring dishes and stuff down from his room but you should be doing his laundry and cooking for him, doing deep cleans in his room etc still. You said yourself he's going to uni in a few years and then he will either have to do the stuff himself or live in a pigsty and that's his choice. He works and does well at school, I think you're expecting far too much. He's still a child.

Punishments don’t work that’s why jails are full to overflowing. Remember that and read the alternatives that are being posted.

He's working hard at school and at work to earn his own money at a young age

An untidy room is a bit of a non issue really

He sounds like a decent young man

It sounds like a really tense household which can't be much fun at all

Do you spend time together, chat together, laugh together

This probably exactly the sons attitude. 'go on, I fucking dare you'.

Op can either engage with this billy big balls bullshit or shrug her shoulders and ignore.

You can't just not provide your child with food and a bed because you are determined to win an argument with them.

I feel quite sorry for your son as he’s expected to basically look after himself as if he’s university age.

Charge him a lot of rent.

Then at least you'll be paid for skivvying after him.

Also, wait til he's out at work and clear everything out of his room except his mattress. He has to earn back comforts like sheets, blankets, and clothes by washing everything. If he goes out and buys replacements, confiscate them too.

Where is his dad in all of this?

It sounds a bit like you are living like flat mates rather than parent and child, DD knows how to do things but she isn't left to her own devices to care for herself.

He is working, if he doesn't want to clean then up his keep to enough to pay for a cleaner then either get one or do it and keep the money.

It's your house which is deteriorating, I'd be in there and cleaning everything away, stripping back any non-essentials that I had purchased. Hell soon see how he is wasting his money and he can't be on that much during term time. Same in the kitchen, keep one set of crockery and cutlery each and put the rest in the loft / shed etc for the rest of the summer.

If I had done what your son had done and disrespected my mum, my dad would have removed my bedroom door as if I couldn't respect the home then I didn't get privacy - obviously could get changed etc in the bathroom I hated it as a punishment but I soon bucked my ideas up. Really it's just a power move of were the adults even if you are as big as us etc.

I never allowed food and drink to be taken into my DS bedroom. We ate as a family and snacks and drinks were always had downstairs. By everyone.

The washing for the whole family was done together, as long as it was in the washing basket, I did the washing. Everyone responsible for their own ironing.

We didn't pay for chores, My DS was expected to clear and wash up the pots as he used them and was called back to do them if they weren't done

I would strip his bed to wash it and then it was up to him to make it.

Because we didn't have the dirty clothes or food / pots issue I was able to just close the door to his room and leave him to wallow when he went through the pig sty stage, with a floordrobe and stuff everywhere. I used to throw open his window and let some fresh air in, otherwise it was up to him!

Cooking wise, if he doesn't want to learn from you, will he do so from grandparents? Could you buy him a student type cookbook or write down some recipes in a book for him to try?

I have heard of people putting down black rice and pretending that it was mouse droppings. Might be a way to get him to clean?

I think in your situation I would go in his room, empty it of dirty pots, dirty washing and strip the bed. I would then dump everything else into a big box for him to sort when he felt like it. Leave clean bedding out for him and close the door.

My DS left home at 19 and is very capably looking after himself and his stuff, they do eventually grow out of it!

Yes to this.

But you can turn it around and he pays you a lot to do his fair share.

Him simply doing nothing and also pocketing his entire wage isn't going to be an option here.

Put it to him that he has a choice here - he either cleans up after himself or he pays you to - and there is no alternative scenario.

If he still refuses, strip his room.

To those saying 'poor lad' - this is how boys turn into men who walk all over women, who think earning a wage - any wage - makes them billy big bollocks who can say a massive fuck you to a woman.

I think you need to call a family meeting with him and say what you see is the problem and ask him what he thinks is the problem.

`if you explain that the way he is treating the household and his room - and by extension - you - is causing you to have mental health issues, so he needs to pull his socks up and help, and he turns around and says 'don't care' then you're going to end up with much bigger issues for both of you. So you need to break it down so that there is a way out of it that doesn't involve either of you getting hurt.

Remember to praise him on being able to do his laundry and that he does it well, and that you have noticed he is able to keep on top of keeping his work uniform clean, so that's great. And that he is obviously great at working hard on his school work and at his job, so you know he is able to do things when he puts his mind to it.

Then point out that the old system where he got paid pocket money for doing his chores obviously isn't working now that he earns his own money - but that this doesn't mean that the chores stop and that he still needs to do them - with or without pay from you, as that is what being a family is about, not that you are a slave to make his life easy at expense of your own health, time and sanity.

Then ask what he suggests as a way forward, from here on in that will work for both of you. He might surprise you with some of his suggestions (fingers crossed!). But hopefully he will also be willing to listen to some of yours and he will also be prepared to compromise if you are able to too... Aldo include getting him involved in meal prep (and clear up after cooking and after eating!) as something that needs to happen going forwards - closer to exam time be prepared to cut him some slack but also he needs to be doing it now to earn having some slack cut when he needs it.

Just curious -- are the GP that pay for his phone also your parents? If so, what were they like as parents - did you get away with much or did they do everything? Can you talk to them about how bad your son is getting and see if they will support you by limiting data or anything else you can suggest to get your son to realise that he has to take part in family chores and family life, even though it's not as fun or as easy as lying on his bed and ignoring everything else...

Good Luck! Remember to negotiate and compromise - you are where you are and whilst you wouldn't chose it as a starting point, it's difficult to change it, you just need to figure out how to move forwards for both of you, knowing that your mental health is at stake but that you have a capable but lazy and stubborn 15 year old boy!

15? Jesus, poor boy. Why does he have to do all that? I feel sorry for him

I’m sorry but the only way to give him a kick up the arse is to humiliate him. Invite his friend over and take the friend up to his room, see the shocked face on your son. He will keep his room tidy after that 100%.

And for all the posters saying this is abuse and OP is expecting too much, she expects him to keep his room clean. I’ve been abused in multiple and many ways. Consider this a life lesson.

Don’t make empty threats. If you’re not going to post it on Facebook then don’t say you will. Don’t offer the option of washing up or using paper plates and then get upset if he chooses the latter. He can use paper plates but he still needs to wash what he’s used.