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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Unmotivated self destructive teens - does it get better?

36 replies

Wowwellokthen · 07/08/2024 16:51

Sorry - long post!

I have a 17yr old DD who is incredibly lazy and unmotivated. As a child she was an academic scholar....naturally not coached....and was sociable and fun to be around. Quite a normal countryside childhood I think.

From around 13, she had been immersed in the online world and has claimed to be a number of things....gay/bi/trans...now I'm not sure...I never reacted negatively to any of these announcements just passive I suppose. She has never had a boy or girlfriend. Not particularly relevant but sets the scene a little. She is into cosplay and has a big following on TikTok.

After scraping passes in GCSEs - which she honestly didn't care about and she wouldn't even remember what grades she got now. She refused to go back to her small and supportive private school so I helped her get a place on an appropriate course at a local college that she was interested in. This is only 2 days per week so I said to her that she should get a part time job for at least 2 of the remaining days.

She had 3 part time jobs September to May and was fired from each of them after a month or two. Now, she refuses to look for one and is incredibly picky with what she will do job wise. I have tried to help her apply and take her to interviews but when she gets the job she ghosts them.

I have tried to encourage her creativity with the cosplay and showed her courses at unis and further Ed colleges, in theatrical make up and costume design to improve her future job prospects- she's not interested.

She doesn't really have any friends - she is quite self absorbed so they lose interest after a while. She doesn't go anywhere....ever....unless I make her come out with us for a meal or cinema but that tends to be a battle and quite an unpleasant experience. She doesn't get out of bed until about 4pm and stays up all night online.

I don't give her any money - as it has been spent on gaming or crap from Temu. Her room is an absolute bomb site and she locks the door so I can't get in. She won't tidy it and if I manage to get in there - like every 6 months - she trashes it again within hours. I don't do her laundry...I would if she brought it out or downstairs....she doesn't care and wears dirty pjs all day. She won't come down for meals and eats any treats I buy for the rest of the family.

I am currently trying to get her to learn to drive so she could be more independent as we have to drive her to college/work as she are rural - nearest bus stop 50 min walk through woods/fields. She refused to get up and go to her lesson today as she is too ill.

She doesn't respond to threats, demands, love bombing and seeing me cry (rare but has happened a couple of times) doesn't move her at all.

Anyone been through something similar and have successfully come out the other side!? Looking for positive support as I'm at the end of my tether!

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 07/08/2024 16:53

Why was she fired?

Your description screams adhd to me.

HorizontalNotVertical · 07/08/2024 16:54

Sounds like there was a bit of a shift around age 13, which was also when we had Covid/lockdown. How did all of that affect her?

Has she had any support for her mental health beyond the family?

FrenchandSaunders · 07/08/2024 16:55

There seems more to this than 'normal' teen stuff.

Original poster
Wowwellokthen · 07/08/2024 16:57

She was fired for laziness, unreliability and lack of hygiene in cafe

ADHD - there is definitely no hyperactive element to her!

ADD maybe but she has also been desperate for a "label" since she was about 12 so she can use it as an excuse to "not do things" (her words!) so tricky to unpick.

She definitely has narcissistic traits as she would never consider buying a family member a gift or doing anything kind for anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wowwellokthen · 07/08/2024 17:00

HorizontalNotVertical · 07/08/2024 16:54

Sounds like there was a bit of a shift around age 13, which was also when we had Covid/lockdown. How did all of that affect her?

Has she had any support for her mental health beyond the family?

Covid wasn't too bad as we were a bubble on our farm with my sister and her family and my parents so we quite enjoyed ourselves to be honest.

She had support at her school from their pastoral team - mainly when she was avoiding certain lessons. And we had a meeting about them wanting to call her by masculine pronouns etc.

OP posts:
socks1107 · 07/08/2024 17:05

Sounds like my step daughter. I'd be seeing what she's doing online at night. Stop her phone contract and restrict internet access until she working or engaging with the family.
My sd believes the people online are her family and we discovered some pretty horrible things in her online world

Original poster
Wowwellokthen · 07/08/2024 17:11

socks1107 · 07/08/2024 17:05

Sounds like my step daughter. I'd be seeing what she's doing online at night. Stop her phone contract and restrict internet access until she working or engaging with the family.
My sd believes the people online are her family and we discovered some pretty horrible things in her online world

Interesting that there are others acting similar. I don't pay for her phone contract - she pays when she gets any money - her dad's family gives a lot of money for birthdays. I have asked them not to.

I have told her she'll need to pay me back for today's driving lesson as it was £84 and not cancellable at last notice.

My next step is putting a password on the internet but it is tricky as it is not my account (living with my mother atm)

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 07/08/2024 17:12

To be honest, this is way beyond “normal” teen. It’s not a little school in Oxford is it?

I would imagine she won’t agree to see anyone. I sometimes wonder what these dc did before the internet? Could you contact MH services? Have you tried before?

I know this sounds awful, but what would she do if you just left her alone? No suggestions. No enrolling on courses. Just nothing for a year. Clearly she’s bright but not able to access “normal” life at the moment. So maybe see what she makes of her life for a bit. Can she articulate anything to you?

Nn9011 · 07/08/2024 17:16

Wowwellokthen · 07/08/2024 16:57

She was fired for laziness, unreliability and lack of hygiene in cafe

ADHD - there is definitely no hyperactive element to her!

ADD maybe but she has also been desperate for a "label" since she was about 12 so she can use it as an excuse to "not do things" (her words!) so tricky to unpick.

She definitely has narcissistic traits as she would never consider buying a family member a gift or doing anything kind for anyone.

There's no such thing as ADD, ADHD is either hyperactive, inattentive or combined type. Everything you have stated absolutely sounds like inatententive. It absolutely makes sense why your daughter is seeking a label because she's seeing that her brain doesn't work like everyone else's, she's being called all sorts of names by her mother and she's trying to understand her place in the world. Girls with undiagnosed ADHD hear 10s of thousand more negative messages than those without and it is NOT a case of being lazy it is a disability.

I feel so sorry for your daughter that she's saddled with a mother like you. I hope one day she is surrounded by loving, attentive people who give her the support she needs to truly be herself.

socks1107 · 07/08/2024 17:18

Does she appear to have money from elsewhere?
Sd never wanted a job. Spent all her time in bed apart from when she was with us as we wouldn't tolerate it. Mum was and is scared to have conflict with her.
Instead her mood was awful until she could get back upstairs with her phone. We thought she was an undemanding teenager with money, turns out she was getting paid/vouchers for work that we never expected. Very grim but she didn't need a traditional Saturday job at 18 as she had money coming via another source

Original poster
Wowwellokthen · 07/08/2024 17:20

Nn9011 - wow, thanks! Your support and encouragement is overwhelming Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Wowwellokthen · 07/08/2024 17:21

socks1107 · 07/08/2024 17:18

Does she appear to have money from elsewhere?
Sd never wanted a job. Spent all her time in bed apart from when she was with us as we wouldn't tolerate it. Mum was and is scared to have conflict with her.
Instead her mood was awful until she could get back upstairs with her phone. We thought she was an undemanding teenager with money, turns out she was getting paid/vouchers for work that we never expected. Very grim but she didn't need a traditional Saturday job at 18 as she had money coming via another source

No I don't think so but thank you for your suggestion - I'll check it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wowwellokthen · 07/08/2024 17:23

TizerorFizz · 07/08/2024 17:12

To be honest, this is way beyond “normal” teen. It’s not a little school in Oxford is it?

I would imagine she won’t agree to see anyone. I sometimes wonder what these dc did before the internet? Could you contact MH services? Have you tried before?

I know this sounds awful, but what would she do if you just left her alone? No suggestions. No enrolling on courses. Just nothing for a year. Clearly she’s bright but not able to access “normal” life at the moment. So maybe see what she makes of her life for a bit. Can she articulate anything to you?

Thank you for your message. No, not Oxford.
I will investigate what MH support I can draw on.
Hopefully, she will be heading back to college in September and that her second year doing a diploma will prove engaging for her.

OP posts:
SleepQuest33 · 07/08/2024 17:24

Nn9011 · 07/08/2024 17:16

There's no such thing as ADD, ADHD is either hyperactive, inattentive or combined type. Everything you have stated absolutely sounds like inatententive. It absolutely makes sense why your daughter is seeking a label because she's seeing that her brain doesn't work like everyone else's, she's being called all sorts of names by her mother and she's trying to understand her place in the world. Girls with undiagnosed ADHD hear 10s of thousand more negative messages than those without and it is NOT a case of being lazy it is a disability.

I feel so sorry for your daughter that she's saddled with a mother like you. I hope one day she is surrounded by loving, attentive people who give her the support she needs to truly be herself.

Show quote history

That was a very aggressive unhelpful reply there! You’ve decided she has ADD from a brief description?

OP no advice from me but I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like you’ve supported her in all her choices. For me unfortunately the boat has sailed on the control over the internet use and bed time routine which at 17 will be almost impossible to enforce.

in your shoes I would look for the help of a professional therapist or psychologist. You can’t force her to go but perhaps you could go and get advice? Sounds tough, teenagers are not easy!!! Big hugs to you.

itsgettingweird · 07/08/2024 17:25

Nn that was rude and out of order. No need for that at all - OP is here asking for advice - pretty clear she cares.

OP - I agree about backing off for a while. No making plans for her to have driving lessons, no trying to get her courses or jobs. It'll help her and you decipher what's going on. She may just need a massive timeout to re set.

Sometimes someone trying to help - even with the best intentions and believe it they have your best interests at heart - can feel like pressure.

Original poster
Wowwellokthen · 07/08/2024 17:27

Thank you sleepquest and itsgettingweird

OP posts:
Droolylabradors · 07/08/2024 17:32

Hi OP. With regards to your situation I am not in the same place, however I have an autistic DS age 14 who was diagnosed age 12.

He spent his entire childhood asking us why he was so different to everyone else. Getting a diagnosis was honestly a life changing thing for us all.

He is a different, calmer, happier boy now. He still gets very high levels of anxiety but we've worked with it rather than fought it.

If you can have a someone see her privately, I would recommend it. Our private healthcare covered the diagnosis fee.

DadJoke · 07/08/2024 17:34

I think she has an undiagnosed mental health issue, or is neurodivergent. Best to get a GP's appointment.

AgathaMystery · 07/08/2024 17:38

I’ve no advice for you except I think you need to ask your mother if you may turn off the router from 2200-0800. This behaviour is disgraceful and she is wasting her one life.

HotMummaSummer · 07/08/2024 17:44

Read "The Anxious Generation" by Jonathan Haidt - it explains how a generation has been harmed by how addictive social media and games can be. Especially when they are introduced and not regulated in the early teen years( or before).
Honestly, no judgement here as most parents give their kids phones/ let them game but it seems to be harming social development and mental health.
My kids are preschool age but I will definitely delay/ police their internet access when the time comes

poppymango · 07/08/2024 17:46

Nn9011 · 07/08/2024 17:16

There's no such thing as ADD, ADHD is either hyperactive, inattentive or combined type. Everything you have stated absolutely sounds like inatententive. It absolutely makes sense why your daughter is seeking a label because she's seeing that her brain doesn't work like everyone else's, she's being called all sorts of names by her mother and she's trying to understand her place in the world. Girls with undiagnosed ADHD hear 10s of thousand more negative messages than those without and it is NOT a case of being lazy it is a disability.

I feel so sorry for your daughter that she's saddled with a mother like you. I hope one day she is surrounded by loving, attentive people who give her the support she needs to truly be herself.

Show quote history

This is WAY too harsh. It sounds like OP is trying everything she can to understand her daughter, to help and support and encourage her. There's really no need for this.

poppymango · 07/08/2024 17:53

HotMummaSummer · 07/08/2024 17:44

Read "The Anxious Generation" by Jonathan Haidt - it explains how a generation has been harmed by how addictive social media and games can be. Especially when they are introduced and not regulated in the early teen years( or before).
Honestly, no judgement here as most parents give their kids phones/ let them game but it seems to be harming social development and mental health.
My kids are preschool age but I will definitely delay/ police their internet access when the time comes

I agree with this. Unlimited access to the internet and social media has been a bit of an experiment really, none of us had any idea how it would all turn out back when we all had dial up internet and Nokia 3310s. It can do a lot of harm, especially if you're a neurodiverse kid. I know what it's like to feel different at that age and I'm certain it wouldn't have helped me.

OP, your daughter sounds like she's struggling with depression amongst other things. I think seriously restricting her internet/phone access is probably necessary but I can't imagine she'd react well to that. I'm so sorry I can't give you any proper advice, you sound so worried and she sounds quite lost.

Octavia64 · 07/08/2024 17:57

My daughter has what used to be called add but they now say adhd inattentive type

She is 23 and she is exactly like your daughter.

She dropped out of school age 19.

She is now on drugs. The difference is night and day.

I do not know if your daughter has add/adgd inattentive type. But everything you say sounds like my DD who does.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 07/08/2024 17:59

Nn9011 · 07/08/2024 17:16

There's no such thing as ADD, ADHD is either hyperactive, inattentive or combined type. Everything you have stated absolutely sounds like inatententive. It absolutely makes sense why your daughter is seeking a label because she's seeing that her brain doesn't work like everyone else's, she's being called all sorts of names by her mother and she's trying to understand her place in the world. Girls with undiagnosed ADHD hear 10s of thousand more negative messages than those without and it is NOT a case of being lazy it is a disability.

I feel so sorry for your daughter that she's saddled with a mother like you. I hope one day she is surrounded by loving, attentive people who give her the support she needs to truly be herself.

Show quote history

Did you actually read the thread or just fancy sticking the boot in because you've got nothing better to do with your life?

mollyfolk · 07/08/2024 18:01

I would back off on the encouragement to “do things” and try and get her professional help for her mental health. It’s not lazy to not want to do anything at all like this, it’s a sign of her being unwell. It sounds like she can’t cope.

Very tricky to deal with at 17. Ignore the nasty post - your clearly trying to support her.