Do you have teens who don't want to game away your summer? What's your secret?!

[CautiousOptimist]

Gaming is creeping into our summer holidays more than ever before.

I have 3 DS aged 11, 9 and 4. The oldest plays Fortnite, the middle one Minecraft and Roblox, the little one the odd iPad game. They also all like watching telly, not films so much.

I work in schools so have the whole summer off (realise how fortunate this makes me), but obviously still plenty to do at home, cooking, gardening, housework, endless washing etc.

The days of the kids trailing me around playing and trampolining and reading seem to be gradually being replaced by the big ones sneaking off to game. I don't mind, some of the time, it's their holiday after all.

I have been taking them out a lot - playgrounds, swimming, friends houses, museums, London, asking friends over to keep them off their screens! But I really don't want them turning into 14 year olds who want to game all day while they're at home.

If your 14 year olds aren't like that, did you do anything to encourage it - strict boundaries when younger or anything else - or is it just about personality?

Goes without saying if your 14 years old olds game all day and you're happy with that, absolutely fair enough!

Thanks in advance for any tips.

I can say it. Watch me say it. I just did. That's what I think.
I don't think it's helpful to spend more time socialising when you can't see the person than when you can.
I'm not going to say any more on this topic.

Well I mean you can say whatever you want, but it won't make you right. 🤷🏼‍♀️

When mine were your age we did limit screen time, except for the odd rainy summer holiday day when we just let them fill their boots. They could choose when to have it in the day but weren't allowed free rein. I don't know if that was the right decision or not, and we had our fair share of arguments about it.

Ds1 is 18 now and doesn't game at all really, apart from on his phone a bit. He has a summer job, a girlfriend and goes out with mates. He does veg out in his watching YouTube a fair bit, but that's his down time so fair enough.

Ds2 is 15 and does game when he's at home, but is out with his mates more or less every day, goes to the gym and still doesn't mind the odd day out with us. He tends to play in the evening with friends.

I guess all I would say is make sure they have other interests that get them out of the house. I'm a big believer in team sport in whatever form (mine play rugby) Both of my boys have had friends who barely leave their rooms as teenagers, and all of their social interaction is via gaming, which is a shame.

This is absolutely my experience
It's easy and very addictive
But also very much part of their normal lives
If you can get a good balance without being the nag then you are winning

Thanks everyone, really interesting responses and I'll be thinking about them a lot. Personally I won't be banning gaming completely - would make as much sense to me as banning my sweet-toothed 11 year old from sugar, he'd only start binging it in secret as he gets older! - but I will be setting limits and encouraging other interests as much as I can.

@herbaceous off topic, but I think your music and drama 'neek' sounds wonderful, and it's brilliant that he loves it. It's cool to me! I have one of those too, he's 9 and loves musical theatre. He's in a production of Oliver soon, and I take him to see shows with talented boys and men in every chance I get. I hope he continues to love it as your son does.

I agree with others it’s about keeping them busy and getting them more interested in something else than gaming, and often at least half the battle is getting them out of the house to begin with then it’s much less of a temptation anyway.

My son (in his late teens) does game quite a bit, more than I would ideally like him to, however during the couple of weeks he is doing his annual summer youth theatre production he will quite happily jump out of bed in the morning and go off on the bus to it without even wanting to look at a screen. It’s well worth the money and very social. He absolutely loves it.

I try to take at least 2 weeks off work every summer to have a holiday with him, and although he is allowed to be on his screen a bit during our holiday we also try to do stuff together. If he has the chance of swimming outdoors in a sunny country and reading on the sun lounger when not actively swimming, he will choose that instead for sure. Loves a spa too 🤣 I love that he still enjoys reading as so many boys his age have zero interest.

He will also drop his screens immediately if anyone suggests a board game 🤣🤣 Though it’s difficult as a single parent single child family as so many board games need at least 3 people. But we maximise this when with family or friends. If he has friends over or goes to their house it often does involve gaming together or watching TV together as well, but I’m ok with that. Cinema, bowling plus general mooching around the shops at the local mall are also options when hanging out with friends. We recently did an escape room with family which he loved too.

This summer he has started randomly writing some fiction and is teaching himself how to draw anime. It actually makes me a little sad that the only time he starts doing creative stuff like that is during school holidays (or lockdown!) as he simply has more time and space to be creative.

I agree with someone else who said there is probably a bit of a male/female divide on this. He has a female friend who doesn’t game much (they bond over a shared interest in anime and board games, plus the few games she does play!) However unlike him, she spends a lot of time on social media so I reckon it evens out. He doesn’t even have a social media account, just naturally has zero interest in it.

I’m not exactly the example you’re looking for here as my son definitely puts some gaming hours in ok over summer! But I feel it’s not hugely unbalanced. I’ve never hugely policed screen time within reason, or at least not since the last couple of years of primary school. Maybe I’d feel different if it was really difficult to drag him away from the screens at all times. I did ban Fortnite when it first came in! He’s never been allowed to play it. Both for violence and because I could see how addictive it seemed to be among his peers. It was so rare for me to draw an absolute line in the sand about his gaming that he totally respected it and it wasn’t a problem.

Anyway to answer your question I think a lot of it is just his personality and interests and those of his friends. And the availability or otherwise of other low cost options for teens locally. Sometimes I wish I had been stricter about gaming and screen time though as I would ideally like there to be a bit less of it! But whether that would really have made a lot of difference at the age he is now I’m not sure.

I do think it's personality. Mine does game a bit but is more likely to listen to music if at home. One thing that has helped (I think) is that we have to sign him in to the console as we've always kept the password secret. We never say no but I think the fact he has to ask stops him doing it as much. Plus in lockdown it became an unofficial rule that he had to leave the house for fresh air first (even just a short walk) and this seems to have stuck.

It's probably about habit, isn't it. Get them in the habit of doing 'improving' activities out of the house while young, and it then becomes just what they do.

@CautiousOptimist I am so grateful that DS has found something he loves, so early in life. So many people never find it. He's pretty much always involved in a play or musical (either in or outside school), sings in numerous choirs, plays in orchestras etc. It's such a good way to meet people, have a common aim, etc, especially for non-sporty types.

Forgot to mention that the first week of the holidays he was doing his screenwriting course during the day, and a production of West Side Story in the evenings!

I think things are designed to the nth degree now to be so overly eye catching and addictive, it feels like a losing battle no matter what. I’n lucky in that DS doesn’t have much interest in social media or gaming besides Nintendo which isn’t as online oriented. But I see it in my friends kids and my sons friends, it’s inescapable with the power of phones

I’m having similar worries with my DS12. He is thankfully v sporty and he and his friends do go and play football at the park etc… but they also game a lot together, both online and when at each other’s houses. It does feel too much and we haven’t been great at setting limits since he started secondary so he does struggle to know what to do at home if he doesn’t have anyone to play sport with. A big trampoline has been a good investment and I had been considering a dart board so will explore that more. Would love the space for table tennis and foosball! He did enjoy cooking / baking for a while, especially when he was able to do most of it himself.

its v hard. He only has a switch right now but is pleading for a PS5 as he seems to be the only one of his peers who doesn’t have one. But I worry that it will make things worse. It’s a huge challenge.

For those saying gaming isn't social - I agree 100 per cent that it's not 'the same' as in person socialising. BUT - I also used to chat a lot on the phone in the 80s! on the landline - and what I see with gaming involves a lot of talk, a lot of laughter.

My son plays Fifa and I hear actual roaring laughter from his room and him and his mates chat, plan, discuss - for boys to be bonding like that is great.

Of course it is much much more important that they are physically active and outdoors for long periods of time - but on a rainy night or for a couple of hours at the end of a busy day - I think it's great. no different to gossiping on the phone or playing cards together.

We only have one left at home. 11 yo.
She has done a week of scouting abroad, a week of summerdance 11 am/5pm and zoocamp 8-15. Her choice.
We have been visiting family for a week and had a week at home together doing walks, museums, reading/drawing, swimming pools, friends and cinema.
She is way too busy to do a lot of gaming. She is allowed to but it's not her first choice.

I have a 13yo DD and I am surprised you can get yours to a playground at all. I have signed her up for a 3 day music camp and she’s moaning about it. (She plays two instruments and am in a beginner orchestra). She had friends over and they play on the consoles. We have big days out and she complains it’s boring. Basically anything that’s not gaming or her phone is boring.

She would rather do homework than going out. So she gets some workbooks to do.

All I am saying is you are doing very well already.

I get how tough this is.

My son is 10 and is fairly free range around our neighborhood, so he spends a lot of time roaming around playing, biking, going to the pool.

My daughter is 7 and isn't quite at the roam free stage, so this takes more effort: we do a lot of biking, parks, puzzles etc.

Luckily we are extremely fortunate to live near a great, free, open air swimming pool which most of the kids go to - so alleviates the need for organised play dates etc. We just always run into people at the pool for the kids to hang out with

@coxesorangepippin DD changed only this year. She didn’t use to game or do socials, even at Year 7. It’s year 8 that she thinks doing all those wholesome things as boring. I think it’s seeing them as what only young kids do.