DD16 ex best friend mixed friendship group shunning - your experiences

[NChange10]

Hi,
DD16 friendship group has imploded just after Prom. We wrote some private messages about the ex bf as a family. She was difficult and depressed and a bit controlling. She said my DD's party was lame for example and peaked too soon

And many other micro aggressions. She borrowed my DD's phone. Long story and saw the messages.

We wrote about 5 as a family.

Now my DD is all alone and her friend group of 4 years including her boyfriend of 3 years all bad mouthing her and cutting her off.

Can anyone relate
How did your DD manage? I feel like it's a bullying cancel culture.

What happened to your girls groups ? Did they find new friends and better friends?

She is 16 years old, she has to deal with friendships issues on her own. You’re contributions to this drama has only exacerbated the situation, so time to back off.

I read your previous thread.
You need to move on from this.

Op have you posted about this before ? This sounds exactly like the same thread where op felt awful for the things they as the family had said and the friend had borrowed the phone and so on? It's a shame it couldn't all be worked out.

I remember your other post, honestly I think it’s better if you just leave it. Your past contributions didn’t exactly help!

Thank you. It's very stressful.
Wonder if anyone has faced this?

Well actually I think now that they accessed private messages. And that's not ok.

I took too much blame on myself.

It's hard. Have you been in this situation?
It's hard.

ive not read the other post but i must admit.. what horrible adults you must be to be bitching and moaning about a 16 year olds friends and family.. serves you right they saw the messages, maybe you will learn from it and next time keep your mouths shut

I think your DD has to weather the storm until it blows over. Fortunately friendship groups naturally tend to mix up at sixth form/college so there’s an opportunity for her to branch out and make new friends. It does sound like you need to take a step back from it all though as you sound way too involved.

Yes to friendship group fall outs and actually I've seen other mums get involved and be unkind to the other girls by giving them dirty looks or ignoring them or sometimes it's obvious a comment has come from the parent that the teen is then repeating and it causes arguments. I'm not saying this to upset you by the way or to be judgemental. I learned long ago not to get involved because kids are fickle... friends one minute and fall out the next and their friends may be mean one day but believe our kids probably being rude at some stage too. I honestly think one attempt to say sorry and move on should be made by you (which I'm sure you said you did) and then your dd should make an attempt to sort things out on her own terms if after that they can't move on then cut your losses and move on. Your dd does not need to beg or force them to make up. Your Dd will make other friends and at 16 sounds like its just the time where they all go their separate ways anyway so definitely encourage dd not to stress about this as she will make other friends for sure. Don't beat yourself up about this too. To be fair to you could happen to anyone.. I'm sure there's 100s of parents who bad mouth their kids best friends but don't get caught. Wishing your dd all the best!

No I haven't because as an adult I have the knowledge never put something in any type of writing you aren't prepared to tell everyone publicly. Legal training does that to you.

There is nothing you can do as teens I would expect this to be definitive as most would find this exceptionally disrespectful and huge red flag.

i really want to read the previous thread for context

So true, I do try the same. How do you deal with WhatsApp though?

What do you mean? I simply never put anything in any writing including any app.

Isn’t this why teens use Snapchat ? (Messages disappear)
Isn’t this an Internet lesson that we discuss with our kids? The internet is forever and you don’t get real privacy - people can share screenshots/ devices without your knowledge.

16 is a good age to start afresh with friendships- my dd did the same and was much happier. Is she going to a different sixth form ?

Can anyone link the previous thread?

I'm remembering one, but it might not be the right one.
Something about a towel n fake tan????

Not this again. What do you expect to be told differently this time?

You are very much over involved in your 16 year old daughters life and friendships. Let her get on with it.

ETA when I was 16 my mother/parents/extended family were not involved in my friendships and it served me well.

Assume this isn't the previous thread others remember?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5118405-ama-im-a-lecturer-in-social-sciences-business

No, there's another one involving a phone lent to daughters best friend and reading unflattering messages about her from erstwhile best friends family, with predictable consequences. Not under this name though I think.

*Well actually I think now that they accessed private messages. And that's not ok.

I took too much blame on myself.*

You had sent nasty messages about her to your daughter. Your daughter should have deleted the messages before she gave the phone to her.

My DD's friendship group imploded against her towards end of year 11. It was absolutely ghastly; they were so cruel to her. This was pre-covid, she's in her early 20's now and both she and I still talk about how bad it was. (E.g. one delightful individual made his Snapchat story "why doesn't X just kill herself like we all want her to?" - and yes, that is what teens use Snapchat! There was no proof of this as DD didn't screenshot it, if she had then he'd have known she'd taken a screenshot.) Her then-boyfriend also turned against her as he was part of the group. She insisted on staying on at the 6th form attached to the school for some reason, but then dropped out at the end of year 12 as she couldn't stand it any more as they were still very anti-her. In hindsight I wish I had pushed harder for her to leave that school (who were absolutely useless with bullying / pastoral side of things). What kept my DD going was that she had friends from outside of school. If your daughter doesn't have friends or cousins etc. her own age outside of school then maybe look and find some kind of a hobby for her? She will weather the storm, a lot of people fall out with their friends at some point or another, it just happens that some are younger than others when it happens. There are loads of threads on here about "Wendying" / being cut out of friendship groups / not invited to weddings etc. for example.
I am quite shocked at how callous people are being in their replies to be honest. I certainly wasn't an overly-involved parent as I had other children, job, that I also needed to focus on etc. so generally just let DD get on with it. But I think unless your own kid is the one being bullied, you cannot appreciate how awful it is to watch it happen to your child. And nowadays it's 24/7 due to social media. When I was a teenager even if you fell out with people you'd go home and "switch off". There wasn't people posting cryptic or hurtful messages, or pointedly posting photos of everyone but you online.
One or two of the people in the group eventually tried to re-kindle friendships, as teens are fickle! But my DD lost trust in them and didn't want to associate with them anymore. The friendship group eventually imploded in year 13 anyway as they all turned against each other.
Sending best wishes, this sounds horrible x

Your not going through this your dd is.

My dd did go through something similar a big group falling out before prom. They did eventually make up and it was fine. They are still friends 3 years on.

My other dd also fell out with her best friend at 16. They went tp different schools for a levels and she made a bunch of new friends who she is still friends with now

❤️. Thank you. This.

You're very welcome. I really hope that everything works out for you and your DD xx

Thank you.