Page 2 | DD16 ex best friend mixed friendship group shunning - your experiences

NChange10 · 2024-08-02T16:29:17+00:00

Hi, DD16 friendship group has imploded just after Prom. We wrote some private messages about the ex bf as a family. She was difficult and depressed and a bit controlling. She said my DD's party was lame for example and peaked too soon And many other micro aggressions. She borrowed my DD's phone. Long story and saw the messages. We wrote about 5 as a family. Now my DD is all alone and her friend group of 4 years including her boyfriend of 3 years all bad mouthing her and cutting her off. Can anyone relate How did your DD manage? I feel like it's a bullying cancel culture. What happened to your girls groups ? Did they find new friends and better friends?

NeedToChangeName · 13/08/2024 09:09

The friend shouldn't have been snooping and reading private messages

But, if my DD discovered that her friend's family were all criticising and complaining about her, I'd encourage her to give the friend and family a wide berth, if only because she should all focus on friendships that make us feel good about ourselves and bring positivity to our lives

Your DD's best bet might be to focus on other friendships including out of school

Original poster

NChange10 · 14/10/2024 22:19

Well ... it's all worked out.

Toxic friend carried on being toxic.

Everyone got sick of it.

DD made new friends. And every one bar the instigator apologised.

Took a lot of strength. A lot. It was hideous.

My dad died and this was almost worse.

Now though .... it's much better than my dad dying.

As they all came back. Bar the toxic one. And now I don't feel guilty at all about calling her out in private.

She was horrible. She shouted at everyone who tried to talk to my DD including her ex.

They all hated being controlled. So rebelled.

OP posts:

Original poster

NChange10 · 14/10/2024 22:26

😁

OP posts:

Guavafish1 · 14/10/2024 22:29

Time and distances … it will get better

she will make new friends again

Original poster

NChange10 · 15/10/2024 07:56

It was truly awful. So painful.

But now ... all gone . Amazing

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MsNeis · 15/10/2024 10:16

Hi, OP, I haven't read your other thread but from what I gather, your DD's friends turned against her because one of them saw hurtful messages about her, sent by you/your family, in your daughter's phone. Is this correct?
Well, first of all, I agree with @PrincessOfKales (great nickname): there's no need to be nasty in the comments. It must feel awful to witness your DD being ostracised and feeling that you are in part to blame for that. I can put myself in your shoes because I've also made similar mistakes in the past (not involving daughter but still), so I feel you.
Teens can be incredibly cruel and, unfortunately, what's done is done. I think you need to focus on learning alongside your DD from the experience:

Apologies where needed, even if they fall in deaf ears. Own your mistake, you and your DD, accept the responsibility (it's freeing) and apologise genuinely to the girl.
Stoicism. Your DD must come to terms with the fact that things may never be the way they were, and she has to grief the loss of this group of friends. Tough but unavoidable lesson: accept not being liked or wanted.
Move on. As others have already said, your DD is free to find new friendships and relate to them in a more mature way. Look for other potential friendships in hobby groups and similar.
Learn to detach yourself from her struggles. I don't believe that one bad comment about your DD's friend means you're overinvolved, but I do think that it's a different situation if it's a common thing and you're always talking about/criticising her friends, as if you were one at the same level than your daughter. If you've been doing that, then I'd advise you to put some boundaries in place: you're the mother, of course you're in her team and she can come to you with her frustrations regarding friends. But you offer a different and hopefuly more mature perspective. Don't put yourself at their level, detach so you can gain perspective and offer advise.

As for avoiding writing sensitive information, I tend to agree with this: never share in private what you would not want to be read in public (speaking specifically abou chat messages).
Good luck, OP, for you and your DD. Everybody make mistakes, it doesn't mean you're bad people. Upwards and onwards!

FoamingCharges · 15/10/2024 13:33

NChange10 · 14/10/2024 22:26

😁

Wow, OP.

Original poster

NChange10 · 15/10/2024 16:11

MsNeis · 15/10/2024 10:16

Hi, OP, I haven't read your other thread but from what I gather, your DD's friends turned against her because one of them saw hurtful messages about her, sent by you/your family, in your daughter's phone. Is this correct?
Well, first of all, I agree with @PrincessOfKales (great nickname): there's no need to be nasty in the comments. It must feel awful to witness your DD being ostracised and feeling that you are in part to blame for that. I can put myself in your shoes because I've also made similar mistakes in the past (not involving daughter but still), so I feel you.
Teens can be incredibly cruel and, unfortunately, what's done is done. I think you need to focus on learning alongside your DD from the experience:

Apologies where needed, even if they fall in deaf ears. Own your mistake, you and your DD, accept the responsibility (it's freeing) and apologise genuinely to the girl.
Stoicism. Your DD must come to terms with the fact that things may never be the way they were, and she has to grief the loss of this group of friends. Tough but unavoidable lesson: accept not being liked or wanted.
Move on. As others have already said, your DD is free to find new friendships and relate to them in a more mature way. Look for other potential friendships in hobby groups and similar.
Learn to detach yourself from her struggles. I don't believe that one bad comment about your DD's friend means you're overinvolved, but I do think that it's a different situation if it's a common thing and you're always talking about/criticising her friends, as if you were one at the same level than your daughter. If you've been doing that, then I'd advise you to put some boundaries in place: you're the mother, of course you're in her team and she can come to you with her frustrations regarding friends. But you offer a different and hopefuly more mature perspective. Don't put yourself at their level, detach so you can gain perspective and offer advise.

As for avoiding writing sensitive information, I tend to agree with this: never share in private what you would not want to be read in public (speaking specifically abou chat messages).
Good luck, OP, for you and your DD. Everybody make mistakes, it doesn't mean you're bad people. Upwards and onwards!

It was brewing up for five years.

What a thoughtful reply.

Yes have disappearing messages.

It was a private discussion though.
She then went and delved endlessly into further messages and shared them.

Some very innocuous. So she came over as a nightmare and we were vindicated.

She proved all of our comments being right in actual fact.

Basically everyone got bored. And she over egged it.

OP posts:

MsNeis · 15/10/2024 17:02

NChange10 · 15/10/2024 16:11

It was brewing up for five years.

What a thoughtful reply.

Yes have disappearing messages.

It was a private discussion though.
She then went and delved endlessly into further messages and shared them.

Some very innocuous. So she came over as a nightmare and we were vindicated.

She proved all of our comments being right in actual fact.

Basically everyone got bored. And she over egged it.

Show quote history

That's great news!
My mistake: I didn't realise it was an "old" thread 🤭
Anyway, all is well that ends well 🙏 I'm glad true characters were revealed!

Firenzeflower · 15/10/2024 17:04

Yes. Leave it alone. Do not get involved.

Original poster

NChange10 · 15/10/2024 18:03

It's so hard when all they do is criticise each other not to get sucked into it.

You want to talk to your teen and so you try and talk about it.

But honestly the BF was so difficult.

Maybe now it can blow over and everyone forgives a bit. I wouldn't wish upset on anyone.

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