14 yo DS not doing anything in summer hols

[driedapricots101]

He has only a few friends & sees them very sporadically but 8/10 days this summer holiday, he's been on his own.. on his phone, or playing video games.. he might pop to shops or do a little bit of other stuff, but as I'm wfh i am seeing his days pass by & there's very little going on. Tried encouraging him to reach out to friends but the few he has are on holiday apparently. Even when they're not they don't seem to just meet up & hang out..go outside!!! Is this normal for boys this age?? It doesn't help he's not into football/ sports.. guess I'm hoping for some reassurance or practical advice to help. Thanks!

I had this issue with my dd ast year. She's ND and socially anxious so difficult to get to do anything proactively social, and obviously you have limited bandwidth when working to cajole. I don't think it's realistic to just sign a socially anxious teenager up to a sports camp against their will tbh. This year is better because she's a bit less anxious, she's going to go to her normal watersports club a couple of times a week, and the odd other outing, as well as ferrying her sister around a bit but also because she's come up with her own arts and crafts and cooking projects to do so although she's still at home alone a lot of the time it's not just screens. She sort of had to mature a bit to be able to entertain herself productively though.

you yourself and all of the ladies here tonight are online. Just browsing and relaxing. Not everyone watches dark, morbid or soul destroying content

Do you have teenagers yourself?

Exactly.
I wish it was the same "in my time".
I would hate having someone structuring my life, especially if I wasn't doing anything wrong.

I’ve got a 14&16 yr old, who would spend every minute in their rooms, unless they’re eating. I work from home so make sure they know what time I’m going to be dragging them out for a walk over lunchtime (sometimes this is round the fields, the block, to the supermarket to get food or to subway). I encourage them to organise something but they’ve managed one 3 hour trip with friends so far. Their friends either have commitments or just want to veg out.
Aside from the walk, I leave them alone but make them do more cleaning up after dinner!

Thank you - most of the responses on here have made me feel much better! It is a difficult age. Solidarity to everyone else in similar situations. As you say, there will be thousands out there! In fact when we do go out I rarely see other teens hanging out in abundance.. not a bad thing I guess (recalls own teenage years!!)

He has been meeting up with his friends - it's just online and to they play video games together. This is what 14 year old boys do. It's a chrysalis stage.

I think it's sometimes hard work being with your mates when you are a 14 year old boy, especially if you are more introvert than extrovert. It's all constant joking and competitive mode. Often the jokes are at each other's expense. It's not like those sustaining friendships you might have had as a 14 year old girl - you need to be on your game.

As they get older they find easier ways to get on with each other. And don't wish away those gaming days, the next stage is girls which is even more worrying!

My 14 yo has joined a gym which he is enjoying. He has done the RYA sailing before which likes too. I get him to do gardening for his grandparents. I send him to the shops to get things I need for dinner. Often he'll cook us dinner. He listens to audiobooks and reads (when I make him). For my eldest we got a ping pong table and he taught himself.

I was like this on school holidays at that age..I remember my mum nagging me to go outside! But I was quite happy at home playing the playstation 😂.
A few years later and you couldn't stop me from going out.

Hey my dd nearly 14 is the same! She’s NT but her friends are scattered around the borough and she has become quite anxious about arranging things to do with them. She had a sleepover and enjoyed it, done some kayaking at our local centre, she has cleared her cupboards out, she’ll be helping a relative do DIY next week. She is also pet-sitting for a friend and then she’s away at grandparents before finally we go on holiday.

I tried making her responsible for the evening meal and lunc when I’m wfh but she hasn’t taken the initiative and I’ve given up nagging.

She is utterly lazy tbh, sorry “relaxing”. 😁

im trying not to let it bother me. At that age I think I just read and read and read, it wasn’t productive time at all.

DS14 goes out regularly on his bike with friends when I am around at home. He isn't into football either. Get yours a second hand bike and meet with friends. Or get a bike too on your day off, even better, cycling together!!

DS does spend a few hours on X Box but not hours and hours. He hardly charges his mobile phone.

Surely it's his holiday to spend how he is happy? He spends all term time being told where to go and when. I have a 14 year old girl but I have barely seen her, she has slept at mates houses or been hanging out with them and they gave all slept here. As long as they are happy let them relax

My DS 14 is also like this. It bothers me a bit but I make myself remember that when I was that age I saw the summer holidays as a chance to switch off completely from school and be content doing my own thing.

Also like me, he doesn't cope well with hot weather, so we will get out and about next week when it's a bit cooler.

I'd be so happy if he was doing what your dd is doing.. seeing friends! I imagine you'd also be a little concerned if she was barely seeing anyone apart from family though. That said, I agree it is his holiday and I do need to leave him to work it out himself. As ever, I think this is a case, as a lot of our parental worries are, of stemming from our own deepest issues!

It's fine. That's basically all i did as a kid, needed the down time. Just try to get him to take a walk every day, some exercise, half hr to shops etc

It sounds like he’s doing something four days a week - the weekend, a day with you and a day with grandparents. Maybe you have a week of leave planned. So if he’s vegging out three days a week that’s only 15 days over the whole summer, it doesn’t sound too bad (in fact I think I could do with a bit of that myself…)

OP it’s a very tricky age for boys and I sympathise… you couldn’t force him to a camp!! . Girls are easier in that respect as they can mooch about the shops together but boys can’t really do that as easily.
How about paying for he and a friend to go to the bowling alley/have a burger? I know one shouldn’t, but a friend is more likely to join him if it’s a treat. That can then break the ice as it were.

Could you set him up with a dart board in his room? Would he enjoy something like that. It's something he can do alone, with you, or it may even incentivise him to invite his friends over in person. Just a thought, for breaking up the screen time.

I find nudging towards new ideas or activities can be the best approach with this age group. Encouragement rather than criticism is more effective. It does have to mostly come from him to stick though. But as others have said, it will pass and it is not that unusual.

My 15yr old DS probably won't be seeing anyone socially over the Summer. He's got a good friendship group at school but they come from all over, he hasn't got any local friends. Also, he's very capable of being sociable but at heart he's a bit of an introvert and needs time to decompress at home.
I'm lucky in that he has plenty of interests, he is often designing and building for his hobby. (Bit niche so won't specify on here)
A few ideas your DS might like to do by himself

Warhammer - building and painting the models
Learn a computer skill like CAD or coding
Walk to local shops (if you have some) to buy ingredients for a meal, cook meal for dinner that evening

But honestly don't stress if he's happy and chilled, just go with it, he won't have many more Summers of complete freedom in his life.

My 14 year old plays online games while speaking to his friends. He also goes to the gym 3-4 times a week with friends, has three football training sessions and volunteers once to help with a younger football team. And we expect him to come out with us at times. We also allow sleepovers to happen at ours and friends to visit and use our house as a base when playing football in the park.

My 12 year old would play computer games all day long and hates leaving the house. We take him out with us a fair bit (whether he wants to or not) and also arrange and supervise (and often pay) for activities with his friends - such as swimming, obstacle courses etc.

It's really common - my son did this at 14 and still doing it at 16 although he has done some stuff this summer (long summer after exams). Virtually impossible to get them to change their ways if they don't want to, and if you force them off the screens (hard if you're working) they will just ruin the day with their grumpiness. At least that's my experience.
My eldest has also been through this stage and doesn't play games now, and definitely seems to be embracing life and living it to the fullest - seems to be constantly travelling somewhere at the moment! I'm sure yours will be fine.

My kids (16, 13) are both very introverted and it's hard not to think they should be doing XYZ, but they are who they are, and they're not unhappy about it. So there's lots of staying in and not much socialising. They do chores if I ask. In the evenings we watch films together.

My nearly 14yo ds is on scout camp abroad. He is bookending that with a week of social life. Sleepovers/cinema/ hanging out/ bike rides with mates then 2 days with me/ taking his you ger bro out, then iff to grandparents. He does a week away with us, then goes to watersports club for a week. Last few days he will take his friends to grandparents.

Other friends are getting their junior gym passes or signing up to the local bouldering centre. Some friends get their DC to volunteer.

I'd be taking the all day gaming option off the table. Agree longer screen time limits in the holidays than you have in school time but don't go overboard, 2 hours a day is enough.

I'm feeling guilty as I'm working with only a few scattered days off other than weekends.

My 14 year old has said his girlfriend and mates are on holiday so hasn't really met up with anyone much.

He doesnt game all day. He goes out locally on his bike, or with his brother to play football, is still going to his regular sports clubs every evening and has been reading, watching films, doing chores that i have set and messaging his mates.

I have been worried at how little he has met up with friends but there is only so much pushing you can do at this age. Much easier when I controlled their social lives!

So I feel your pain op. He seems happy enough just chilling and when I am off I make sure we do something different and out of the house. Hoping its just a phase.

I'm having similar problems with my 13 yr old. I also wfh, 12 hrs a day. He sees his granny, but has to be forced. His friends are also on holiday. He has adhd, anxiety and traits of autism so we're under CAMHS and getting help from the council. The main positive outcome of this is that he receives therapy at a local youth hub; they have a gym there with boxing and other activities, mine also doesn't enjoy sport but likes the idea of building muscles. Check your council for resources.

Sounds very much like how I spent my summer holidays! Chilling, playing games, relaxing, occasionally hanging out with friends. If he's happy, leave him be. It was my time to relax and in a strange way I look back and miss those years as now when I have time off I've a never ending list of jobs to do 😂