18 year old making life hell

1newname · 2024-07-15T03:48:28+00:00

I don't know what to do. I'm up at this time because 18 year old ds gets up in the night for food and I cannot get back to sleep. He's addicted to weed and it's destroying him. He finished his a levels mid June and has nothing lined up. He keeps saying he's going to look for a job. His friends don't contact him and he barely leaves the house. It feels like a nightmare and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

sashh · 15/07/2024 05:15

Oh dear.

I can't offer any tips of what to do but just to let you know I'm awake too.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 15/07/2024 05:16

Where is he getting the money?

Malahide · 15/07/2024 05:17

Give him an ultimatum. Come September he either moves out, gets a job and starts paying you rent or goes back in to full time education. You cannot allow him to become a nocturnal recluse on drugs in your home.

HoppityBun · 15/07/2024 05:18

All I can suggest is that you ask your GP for advice. It must be awful for you I’m so sorry

SeeingRainbowsInTheGloom · 15/07/2024 06:01

Hard when they are that age. Are you giving him chores to do every day? Washing, mowing the lawn, going too the supermarket with a list, cooking one meal a week? The more you give him to do in the day to keep him busy the more likely he is to sleep at night.

Suzieandthemonkeyfeet · 15/07/2024 06:14

It’s pretty easy. Ban the weed from your house. If he smokes it any more he has to leave.

Id start asking people who can take him in, get applications for house shares and LA. Let him know you’re serious.

This is your home, you pay the bills. He is making your life unbearable.

Some strains of weed can cause serious mental health issues. Dont moddycoddle him. He is a young man at the edge of his new adult life and you need to strong and push him in the right direction - and sometimes that out from under your wing.

Suzieandthemonkeyfeet · 15/07/2024 06:19

HoppityBun · 15/07/2024 05:18

All I can suggest is that you ask your GP for advice. It must be awful for you I’m so sorry

Depends which GP you get. Some don’t see it as an issue where as my GP was very active in trying to highlight it’s one of the most destructive things young men - especially from council estates can get in to.

I’ve a cousin who is in his 50s and he has smoked it for 40 years. His skin is grey, still lives at home with his mother and has only had a hand full of jobs - untill he lost his licence to drug driving.

Original poster

1newname · 15/07/2024 07:20

@sashh thank you

He's getting the money from buying stuff off cheap websites and selling it on eBay.

Believe me, we've been battling this for nearly 3 years, we've banned it from the house. He does it anyway. We stopped giving him money ages ago, stopped paying for his phone contract. His attendance at 6th form was 50%. We wanted the school to kick him out so he'd do something else but they gave him chance after chance.

I'm going to book a GP appointment today, I don't know what else to do

OP posts:

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 15/07/2024 07:20

1newname · 15/07/2024 07:20

@sashh thank you

He's getting the money from buying stuff off cheap websites and selling it on eBay.

Believe me, we've been battling this for nearly 3 years, we've banned it from the house. He does it anyway. We stopped giving him money ages ago, stopped paying for his phone contract. His attendance at 6th form was 50%. We wanted the school to kick him out so he'd do something else but they gave him chance after chance.

I'm going to book a GP appointment today, I don't know what else to do

So he's making enough to pay you his full share of rent and bills and weed?

Original poster

1newname · 15/07/2024 07:36

He doesn't make that much and no he doesn't pay us anything yet.

OP posts:

Endogal · 15/07/2024 07:48

DB is 10 years on from this and it wrecked his mental health (think psychosis), lead to experimenting with more serious drugs and ruined his 20s.

One big regret DPs have is not coming down hard on it sooner, for years they unwittingly enabled him.

He needs to start paying board immediately to massively limit the amount he can spend on weed. Explain you will not allow it in your house and mean it... you find it he's out on the street. DB is only realising the error of his ways now my parents allowed him to reach rock bottom as awful as it sounds, they didn't help him allowing him to teeter slightly above it for years.

Original poster

1newname · 15/07/2024 07:52

That's what I'm so scared of happening. The thing is, how can I stop him? Kick him out on the streets?? If he ends up in a hostel he'll just be surrounded by people with even more issues than him. I genuinely don't know what to do. He told me he was going to make edibles and when I told him absolutely not in my house he said he'll just do it whilst I'm at work. He doesn't have any respect

OP posts:

sashh · 15/07/2024 08:07

1newname · 15/07/2024 07:52

That's what I'm so scared of happening. The thing is, how can I stop him? Kick him out on the streets?? If he ends up in a hostel he'll just be surrounded by people with even more issues than him. I genuinely don't know what to do. He told me he was going to make edibles and when I told him absolutely not in my house he said he'll just do it whilst I'm at work. He doesn't have any respect

Then he doesn't get a key to the house and has to be out of the house when you go to work until you get home.

A hostel might not be a bad idea. Having to share space with people and follow rules.

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/07/2024 08:09

Lots of useless advice from people saying "ban" him from smoking weed. Sorry. How do you physically stop an addicted adult from doing something?

I sometimes see advice aimed at parents with teenagers on here and think posters must only have younger DCs or those biddable, academic girls.

Ultimately if the OP kicks him out, he WILL be street homeless unless the OP is prepared to fund rented accommodation. Even then, what landlord is going to rent to a jobless 18 year old? SS won't give a shit; he's an adult. He'll possibly end up in Salvation Army or YMCA hostels with ex convicts and hard core druggies/alkies. It could be a wake up call or a slippery slope?

I don't know if there are any solutions.

Speaking to your GP is a reasonable idea as is getting a referral to drug charities or MH services. What support is available in your area I do not know and as always services have been cut and your DS will not be a priority as he's under the radar.

Would he consider something like a Working holiday in Australia to get him out of his bedroom and environment. It sounds like he's in a horrible, depressed spiral of addiction and misery and needs a way to get out. Try appealing to his better nature regarding the drugs, Google "child modern slavery in UK grow houses" something like that and show him where his weed actually comes from.

Drugs are an absolute scourge on our society. I'm sorry OP. I hope he comes through it.

coffeeandteav · 15/07/2024 08:17

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/07/2024 08:09

Lots of useless advice from people saying "ban" him from smoking weed. Sorry. How do you physically stop an addicted adult from doing something?

I sometimes see advice aimed at parents with teenagers on here and think posters must only have younger DCs or those biddable, academic girls.

Ultimately if the OP kicks him out, he WILL be street homeless unless the OP is prepared to fund rented accommodation. Even then, what landlord is going to rent to a jobless 18 year old? SS won't give a shit; he's an adult. He'll possibly end up in Salvation Army or YMCA hostels with ex convicts and hard core druggies/alkies. It could be a wake up call or a slippery slope?

I don't know if there are any solutions.

Speaking to your GP is a reasonable idea as is getting a referral to drug charities or MH services. What support is available in your area I do not know and as always services have been cut and your DS will not be a priority as he's under the radar.

Would he consider something like a Working holiday in Australia to get him out of his bedroom and environment. It sounds like he's in a horrible, depressed spiral of addiction and misery and needs a way to get out. Try appealing to his better nature regarding the drugs, Google "child modern slavery in UK grow houses" something like that and show him where his weed actually comes from.

Drugs are an absolute scourge on our society. I'm sorry OP. I hope he comes through it.

I agree it isn't as simple as people think on here.
I really hope he grows out of it.

isthesolution · 15/07/2024 08:20

It is so so hard because whatever you threaten is incredibly difficult to follow through on.

I think I'd go for - if you choose to live in my house then you follow my rules. If you choose not to follow them then you've chosen to move out.

No drugs are to enter my house
No one is to go downstairs between 11pm-6am (or whatever time you choose)
Everyone splits the bills - you have 3 months before I'll start asking for this money so you have a chance to work out how to get it.
(Whatever other reasonable rules you need)

I'd then say I'd love to help him - you'll come to the docs, addiction groups, help with job applications etc.

For me it would be important that I stressed that he was choosing to stay or choosing to go and not that I was 'kicking him out'.

alwaysmovingforwards · 15/07/2024 08:21

Malahide · 15/07/2024 05:17

Give him an ultimatum. Come September he either moves out, gets a job and starts paying you rent or goes back in to full time education. You cannot allow him to become a nocturnal recluse on drugs in your home.

Agreed, tough love required.
If he doesn’t play ball, kick him out.
Within a month he’ll reconsider his life choices.

But if you enable this behaviour, it will continue.

womenarehuman · 15/07/2024 08:38

I was going to ask why he has to wake you up in order to get food, but I suppose [h]e doesn't have any respect sums it up. It's really hard to say without knowing him but do you really think that he'll choose giving up his substantial comforts at home (which he hardly leaves now) and living on the street or in a shelter (where he won't be left alone to do drugs or have the facilities to prep them) over following some house rules? At some point there have to be some boundaries enforced or else you just let him walk all over you forever. Who else is in the house with you? If he has younger (and therefore unable to leave) siblings, is he making their lives miserable too and won't you eventually have to intervene?

I sometimes see advice aimed at parents with teenagers on here and think posters must only have younger DCs or those biddable, academic girls. I'm not sure that possessing some ambition, making reasonable plans for one's own future, and treating one's parents and siblings like human beings with actual rights and emotions necessarily translates to being "biddable". And not to be "oh, all the poor men" about it, but to be fair - teenage boys don't HAVE to be absolute arseholes, either.

SeeSeeRider · 15/07/2024 08:53

Tough love. Report him to the police and also evict him. If not, he'll drag you all down with him.

Throwwaway · 15/07/2024 08:58

I’d evict him but I know what you mean about the hostels, there are a lot of addicts there. I would talk to council/housing because I’d honestly want him out of my house.

tiredbutstillawake · 15/07/2024 09:05

we've banned it from the house. He does it anyway.

Here's your problem. I would be saying if you want to live here you don't smoke weed or bring it into the house and if he's not satisfied with that as a house rule he can move out and please himself.
He's showing complete disregard for you by doing what he wants regardless of your ban.

And he should be paying his way and making sure he has a job to do so.

hotdogcharge · 15/07/2024 09:10

I think I'd make him start paying rent - a lot of rent. Enough so that he hasn't got money to spend on weed and he has to get up in the morning (to work).

Understandable it's difficult to find work but he needs to get something/anything. Sign on and also get him on the housing register.

You need to make plans like he hasn't got your house to live in.

sashh · 15/07/2024 09:12

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/07/2024 08:09

Lots of useless advice from people saying "ban" him from smoking weed. Sorry. How do you physically stop an addicted adult from doing something?

I sometimes see advice aimed at parents with teenagers on here and think posters must only have younger DCs or those biddable, academic girls.

Ultimately if the OP kicks him out, he WILL be street homeless unless the OP is prepared to fund rented accommodation. Even then, what landlord is going to rent to a jobless 18 year old? SS won't give a shit; he's an adult. He'll possibly end up in Salvation Army or YMCA hostels with ex convicts and hard core druggies/alkies. It could be a wake up call or a slippery slope?

I don't know if there are any solutions.

Speaking to your GP is a reasonable idea as is getting a referral to drug charities or MH services. What support is available in your area I do not know and as always services have been cut and your DS will not be a priority as he's under the radar.

Would he consider something like a Working holiday in Australia to get him out of his bedroom and environment. It sounds like he's in a horrible, depressed spiral of addiction and misery and needs a way to get out. Try appealing to his better nature regarding the drugs, Google "child modern slavery in UK grow houses" something like that and show him where his weed actually comes from.

Drugs are an absolute scourge on our society. I'm sorry OP. I hope he comes through it.

I agree with some of what you have said but I think sending a doped up teen to Australia is a crazy idea. There are drugs in Australia.

To get to Australia you have to go via the USA or Asia or go direct to Perth. The countries where you connect have severe punishments for drug possession. Singapore has about 50 people on death row for drugs offences.

Also people on working holidays usually live in hostels, yes they are back packer rather than homeless shelters, but I don't see why you are dismissing the YMCA and proposing a hostel at the other side of the world.

Escapetheinescapable · 15/07/2024 09:14

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/07/2024 08:09

Lots of useless advice from people saying "ban" him from smoking weed. Sorry. How do you physically stop an addicted adult from doing something?

I sometimes see advice aimed at parents with teenagers on here and think posters must only have younger DCs or those biddable, academic girls.

Ultimately if the OP kicks him out, he WILL be street homeless unless the OP is prepared to fund rented accommodation. Even then, what landlord is going to rent to a jobless 18 year old? SS won't give a shit; he's an adult. He'll possibly end up in Salvation Army or YMCA hostels with ex convicts and hard core druggies/alkies. It could be a wake up call or a slippery slope?

I don't know if there are any solutions.

Speaking to your GP is a reasonable idea as is getting a referral to drug charities or MH services. What support is available in your area I do not know and as always services have been cut and your DS will not be a priority as he's under the radar.

Would he consider something like a Working holiday in Australia to get him out of his bedroom and environment. It sounds like he's in a horrible, depressed spiral of addiction and misery and needs a way to get out. Try appealing to his better nature regarding the drugs, Google "child modern slavery in UK grow houses" something like that and show him where his weed actually comes from.

Drugs are an absolute scourge on our society. I'm sorry OP. I hope he comes through it.

Not true, I was a heavy drinker and smoker living in a hostel after I split with ex husband and had nowhere to go, parents eventually let me go back home but made it clear there was to be no smoking in or outside the house and no alcohol.
I moved in and didn't smoke or drink and I lived there 3 years while I worked and saved to start over.
I'm glad they did because I don't smoke or drink now because I accepted that condition to have a roof back over my head.

ClevererThanMost · 15/07/2024 09:27

i wish my aunt and uncle had done more for my cousin. He dropped out of school because of weed, all sorts of trouble etc. They funded him, housed him, gave him a job and he just wasted his time gaming and smoking. Met a girl, got married and they gave him a house. She left him, they divorced. He painted the entire house black. More money. More sympathy (“he’s depressed”). Another wife (goodness knows how). 2 kids. Couldn’t give it up. Another divorce. Now another baby with an ex-girlfriend. Still smoking. 40 and going nowhere. It’s all about the weed.