Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

18 year old making life hell

55 replies

1newname · 15/07/2024 04:48

I don't know what to do. I'm up at this time because 18 year old ds gets up in the night for food and I cannot get back to sleep. He's addicted to weed and it's destroying him. He finished his a levels mid June and has nothing lined up. He keeps saying he's going to look for a job. His friends don't contact him and he barely leaves the house. It feels like a nightmare and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

OP posts:
Teddybearpicniccelebration · 15/07/2024 09:36

Gen Z and soft parenting. You need to toughen up and stop enabling him. Anyway he's 18 and eligible for big man prison so technically you can get him a room if he doesn't buck up his ideas. I don't know why are you fucking about with an 18 year old?

Seas164 · 15/07/2024 09:39

There is no easy one size fits all right answer for this, but there are a couple of routes you could take. Appealing to his better nature isn't one of them, unfortunately. Neither is putting up with it.

Engage with a drug prevention charity or service, there are several nationally who will be able to signpost you to something closer to home that you might be able to see face to face for professional support.

gettingolderbutcooler · 15/07/2024 09:53

I would maybe work out a plan with him, and include your 'non negotiables'- eg no smoking in the house, daily chores, or whatever they may be.
Then try and discuss what plans he can make, and what you will require of him.
Good luck.

Getonwitit · 15/07/2024 10:01

1newname · 15/07/2024 07:52

That's what I'm so scared of happening. The thing is, how can I stop him? Kick him out on the streets?? If he ends up in a hostel he'll just be surrounded by people with even more issues than him. I genuinely don't know what to do. He told me he was going to make edibles and when I told him absolutely not in my house he said he'll just do it whilst I'm at work. He doesn't have any respect

You need to stand your ground here. Make a doctors appointment and tell him if he doesn't attend it he is out. If he goes you give him 6 months to get off the weed and start paying his way or he is out. But you need to mean it, you are letting him call the shots, today you have to put an end to it. You are doing him no favours at the moment.

serene12 · 15/07/2024 10:17

I had similar issues with my DS when he was 18. Addicts can’t always follow rules/boundaries, due to their need to use substances.
Our homes should be a sanctuary not a war zone!
We had to use the Police to evict our DS from our home, we’re in Scotland where the local authority has to provide accommodation to anyone that’s homeless. Our DS ended up in supported housing for young people. He has since recovered, has been to university and is living a normal life. He actually thanked us for using tough love.
I turned to www.famanon.org.uk is for the families and friends of somebody who is affected by mind altering substances. They have a helpline, forum, literature, online and face to face meetings. Our DS had to feel the consequences of his poor choices. With FA’s support, we stopped enabling and used tough love.
I do hope you find support.

Families Anonymous UK

Families Anonymous is a world-wide fellowship of family members and friends affected by another’s abuse of mind-altering substances, or related behavioural problems.

http://www.famanon.org.uk

SOxon · 15/07/2024 10:24

is your son University bound?
He is 18
Army
Navy
Air Force

a room in a shared house/flat is surely only available to employed persons
YMCA?
why are you harbouring a shiftless weed smoking reprobate under your roof?
he is 18!!! he is of age, an adult

honestly, stop looking for solutions, move him out!

Tough Love before it all turns sour

Tel12 · 15/07/2024 10:27

Start charging rent, or he leaves. You really need to stand up to him.

boyohboys · 15/07/2024 12:55

I am in a similar situation and it's pushing me to near breaking point. We have told ds that on 1st September he needs to contribute to the household (£45pw - weekly or up front monthly) but if he refuses I just don't know what we will do. DH is ready to pack his bags but he's still my baby and I'm also scared what kicking him out will lead and feel it will be the end of what little relationship we do have (not much right now to be fair as we mainly argue about him lying in bed, getting wasted (not at home thankfully) and not doing the minimal chores He's meant to do. He's even stopped playing football which makes me sad as he was good, enjoyed it and had a lovely bunch of mates at the club.
My ds is meant to be having a year out going travelling which I totally support & hope will be the change he needs but he's refusing to get a job & we can't/wont fund it so not sure how he's planning to still go.

Feel free to pm me as it's a very lonely place. It's not somewhere I ever saw myself when I think back a few years when my ds was a really lovely happy go lucky and loving little boy Sad

1newname · 15/07/2024 14:14

Thank you for all of your messages. I've spoken to the GP who has sent me some information. The bottom line is if he doesn't want to stop he won't.

OP posts:
ClevererThanMost · 15/07/2024 14:23

Indeed. But you don’t have to let him take you down with him.

stargirl1701 · 15/07/2024 14:31

Remove the wifi from your house.

1newname · 15/07/2024 14:33

@ClevererThanMost I agree

DH has started taking the WiFi with him to work

OP posts:
Teddybearpicniccelebration · 15/07/2024 14:59

Exactly he's an adult and you can't tell him what to do. You can tell him to pack his bags and leave. You ain't doing him no favours by enabling him. You and your husband are changing the way you live to control your son. Let him go.

1newname · 15/07/2024 16:43

I've just had a conversation with him about not coming out of his room after midnight and getting a job asap. He acts like we're really controlling

OP posts:
DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 15/07/2024 17:05

1newname · 15/07/2024 16:43

I've just had a conversation with him about not coming out of his room after midnight and getting a job asap. He acts like we're really controlling

If you were controlling you'd have control

It time to rule with fear. He should fear you and at this point as he's so useless and pathetic.

Ask him out right, what's plan B when you get sick of his shit. Who else does he have in the world who will tolerate him?

OriginalUsername2 · 15/07/2024 17:09

Why can’t he come out of his room after midnight? That’s a weird rule. Can he go to the toilet?

1newname · 15/07/2024 17:17

@OriginalUsername2 have you read the thread. Yes of course he can use the toilet, but he's getting up once or twice every night to get food. Last night was 1.30am and 4am. We then cannot get back to sleep and have to work. He's free to eat/sleep/game all day every day. We need to sleep

OP posts:
CeruleanDive · 15/07/2024 17:37

Have you talked to your local drug and alcohol service? I'd see what support they can offer you, if he won't engage.

This website is helpful:

adfam.org.uk/for-families/

Teddybearpicniccelebration · 15/07/2024 17:44

He's free to eat, shit and piss and play his games. He can do all of that rent free and if you tell him to get a job you're controlling him. Has the world turned mad is he work shy or does he like spending your money without lifting a finger. I would fear the type of woman he brings back home and calls his girlfriend.

Elsewhere123 · 15/07/2024 17:52

Nar- anon may be an additional source of help. Trying not to enable your son when you love him is very very hard. You have my sympathy and hope the future gets better for you and him.

teenagersuntangled · 16/07/2024 10:50

He sounds depressed. When did he start using weed? What’s happened to his friends? Transitions are incredibly hard for anyone but having to kick start adult life when you have gone off track can feel incredibly challenging.

Leaving school removes all of the structure from a young man’s life and requires him to create his own structures and routines. Often our kids have no experience at this and struggle to know where to start. Without friends to cheer him along it’s going to be even harder.

i would suggest beginning by empathising with him. Talk to him about how hard it must feel to leave school and all the routine that provides and discuss with him how important it is that he has dreams for his future l. Try to brainstorm any thing that might interest him.

The first thing he needs to sort out is his sleep/wake routine, because without a consistent routine he will have no foundation in which to build.

Empathise with his position, but also make it clear that you will hold him accountable. He has to have a plan each week, and stick to it. He also either has to be in training, education or employment. Where is he getting his money? You will have levers over him, but it’s much better to start by using connection rather than try to use power.

i interviewed Ken Rabow about failure to launch and he was really helpful on this topic. Look him up.

Parentworry · 18/07/2024 22:54

@1newname . I feel your pain. I have a 17 year old son who smokes weed daily. He has destroyed me over the last year. We have had the police out on one occasion as he became aggressive once. He has a part time job which enables him to smoke and frequently bunks of college. He sees a drugs councillor but although he agrees to cut down he isn’t. He is away this week with his girlfriend’s family and it has been so nice to have not have a constantly stoned son in the house stinking of weed. He doesn’t smoke in the house but stinks of it. My husband has cancer so I really hoped this would make him stop but it has just made him worse. I miss my son and who he used to be. Nothing will make him see sense. I cut articles out in the press of cannabis studies. I have promised him driving lessons if he stops but nothing will. Unfortunately most of his friends smoke weed and some of their parents do. I don’t know what the answer is but I can’t give up but relations are very strained and it is having an adverse effect on my younger child.

1newname · 19/07/2024 22:19

@Parentworry I'm sorry you're going through similar. It's so upsetting to see what they've become. My ds sometimes acts as if he knows how bad it is but also doesn't want to change.

OP posts:
Teddybearpicniccelebration · 20/07/2024 13:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Teddybearpicniccelebration · 20/07/2024 13:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Swipe left for the next trending thread