To feel really sad for my daughter and her sport....

[SmileLady]

Hi all,

I cannot express this with anyone I know as its seems such a 1st world issue, but I feel really sorry for my daughter.

She plays a sport (team sport) at a high level. She's 14. Last season she attended every single training session, whatever the weather and played every match at her county level. However, she has just trailed for the next season and hasn't got through.

She also plays in another team at a high level, and the coach there didn't like her and would always pick weaker players. in the end, we pulled her out, and she went to a new team- which has not started yet.

She was also scouted for a top-level academy but didn't get through the trial. It's the only academy-level team trial we put her through, too. She's really upset as some of the girls from the 'High Level' Team who basically bullied her have been spamming her, telling her they're in the county team, and she didn't get through.

She is really good but always gets the 'reserved list' or just second. This is upsetting me as family when growing up, it was the same. I always felt I was always pipped to the post and never actually go to the top.

Im wondering whether this will put her off continuing in the sport. She was really upset today and crying about it.

Im not sure why I am posting here. But I just feel so upset for her.

Oh, it's a tough realisation for someone at that age, OP (God knows, it's a tough one for adults) that sometimes other people are better at activity x at a specific point, however much you love it, however much you work at it, however committed you are. (I've been in contact with a lot of premier league football academy kids, who have had the experience of being better than everyone else at their sport, being scouted, getting into an elite academy, and discovering they;re not good enough at this level, and having already 'failed' by the age of 15 it can be horrifically difficult).

In your shoes, I would let her be as upset as she needs to be now, and try not to project your own experience onto her (which I can imagine may be hard), and get her to focus on how much she loves (assuming she does) her sport, and the actual doing of it. (I'm a novelist and have faced being dropped by my publisher and have had really focus on my enjoyment of the process...) It's also the case that she's very young, at a stage where her body is changing rapidly in relation to her peers it's perfectly possible she will catch back up and get in front of her peers.

Sorry for unintended strike-throughs! I do wish Mn would eliminate this function...

It’s ok to be upset and very ok for her to be upset but unfortunately it’s a fact of life for most people that there will always be other people who are better at something . Turning up each session shows commitment but that alone shouldn’t get you a slot . I’d advise that she turn off her SM for a bit .

Ok, thanks. I wasn't sure what the strike-throughs meant!

I am hoping she gets through. She is very good, though, and does play better than some of the girls selected. I have told her to stay positive and enjoy her opportunities. It's hard, though.

I think she has picked up some traits from me. In my old job, I was the one stoically in the background methodically working and ensuring all targets were ,met and staff supervision completed and my co-manager was wild and going off doing all this other stuff. But she always won manager of the year, staff champion etc, as she was out there in your face. I feel like its the same for my daughter. Me and her dad never moan or make her position heard with the coaches. We just get on with stuff.

Thanks I have told her this.

Is it netball? It’s incredibly bitchy unfortunately and gets much worse the higher up you go. I watched the England team on the tv once and all I could think was how much of a horror show you must be to make it that far.

But think, your daughter is at an age where other things come into play which are arguably more important. Like GCSE’s and a future career that pays proper wages! Maybe it’s time to reassess where priorities and her time should lie. If it’s upsetting her, do something else or play local league for fun. You may even find there is another sport she turns out to be brilliant at that wasn’t considered before. It’s supposed to be fulfilling not misery making. Make it a positive choice not as a result of failure.

This is great advice .

Maybe she might be better suited to an individual sport rather than a team sport? Is there something she would truly enjoy, something that could enrich her life but not to exclusion of everything else.

I agree that she needs to focus on academic progress and her future career as she is unlikely to make a living from doing sports.

Maybe she’s not as good as you think she is. Unfortunately disappointment is part of life.

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-regain-confidence-after-someone-puts-you-down/

Might give you some ideas on how to support her in reframing this.

I can understand why you're upset, there's nothing shameful about feeling that way.

Unfortunately the higher up the sport you go the more marginal the differences become. I think favouritism also plays a part which I've seen in 2 different sports now, especially with elite coaches who work in private schools selecting those they know well from those schools already,and the players from those schools being cliquey too. It's not great to be dropped at that age but to be honest she'll probably end up a more rounded person by not funnelling down to be an elite sportsperson especially if she can continue in the sport at a lower level just for fun and fitness.

What little bitches. If she is sporty is there a parallel sport she could try that isn’t so horribly competitive and nasty? My teenage dd climbs, she is good but isn’t good enough for a squad but she takes an immense satisfaction from it, it’s incredibly sociable, she can climb with boys as well as girls which seems to make the vibe overall more chilled out. And she has an amazing physique as a result which is a nice bonus!

Maybe if your dd dilutes her sportiness with different activities she will find a new thing, rather than be laser-focused on one sport when there’s a creeping realisation she might not “make it”?

I remember reading about Olympic sport “spotters” who transfer sporty people from one sport to another and how this is an amazing way of fertilising talent.

Sorry, I tend to use dashes a lot when I write, so I'm always doing accidental strikethroughs, which don't seem fixable via the 'edit' function. It's not some secret sarcasm signal or anything.

It sounds significant that you think your daughter resembles you in being the 'stoically getting on with stuff in the background' person. I don't actually think this is necessarily a good thing. I know there's a strong British cultural bias against being someone who is vocal about their contribution, but I don't think there's a lot to be gained by being the silent, taken-for-granted backroom martyr in work, sport or life in general. People will take you, by and large, at your own estimation.

You say the coach at her old team always chose weaker players, but then your daughter didn't make the county team for her age group or get into the academy she tried out for-- doesn't that suggest the coach may not have disliked her, just chosen players s/he thought were stronger?

Which is difficult to accept, but something we all come across at some point. Being very good at a sport probably means we encounter it earlier than we would in studies or careers.

Does she still absolutely adore this sport? Would she still want to do it if she had a crystal ball and saw she would never play it at elite level? I agree with the pp who suggested a step away from social media would be good.

Best wishes to her and to you.

Do you think she is good, or is she just not good enough for the team? If it keeps happening, then maybe she isn't that good?

I always try and think in 5 years time will this matter? In her case probably not. She might be good. But she’s not going to be doing it as a professional career is she? Let’s be real. It’s a hobby, a bit of fun. If it’s no longer fun then it’s time to try something else.

She is really good but always gets the 'reserved list' or just second. This is upsetting me as family when growing up, it was the same. I always felt I was always pipped to the post and never actually go to the top.

Maybe she's good but other kids are better, and if so, they deserve the spot. There are literally hundreds of thousands of kids in sporting academies across the country who will not go on to be picked. Life isn't fair and sometimes it's the kids whose 'faces fit' that get spots undeservedly. It's a crappy life lesson but it's one she needs to learn to not turn in on herself. The disappointment is something parents have to help kids work to manage.

I think you need to help her to learn a lesson from it, see the positives, focus on herself and keep working hard to achieve her best. A 'poor me' attitude is only going to set her up for a lifetime of bitterness (apologies if that sounds harsh but I can't think of another way to put it).

It sounds like you struggle with the same kind of thinking. It would be good to not let that continue through another generation.

I had similar with DS when he was 16, although without the bitching. He was really disappointed he didn’t make it through to the academy but went back to just playing for his club, who rarely even win a match. He’s absolutely loved playing again ever since and is so much happier just playing for fun without the pressure to perform at the top of his game constantly. I don’t think he had realised, and I certainly hadn’t, how much pressure he’d been under and how it had affected his mental health. He’s much happier now and has been able to fully focus on A levels and plan for life after college. It was difficult for a couple of months though, while it sunk in and he got used to seeing friends posting about their continued training on social media.

I hope your DD is able to play her sport for the enjoyment of the game and for the social aspect. It feels like such a blow at the time but, in the long-run, not getting through was the best thing that could have happened to DS.

I think when you're on the cusp, it can be good to play for a lower level team - it may boost her confidence more to be a big fish in a small pond rather than being on the edge of the big pond with lots of big fish.

Thanks all for your comments. It's quite hard to explain what I mean by saying she is very good. I am not saying she is the best player ever in her sport, but genuinely the girls selected are the ones whose parents have the loudest voices.

Maybe her dad and I need to be a bit more vocal. I have not shared with her that I am sad about this. I have always said there are going to be better players than her. She won the player of the season in her county team this season just gone. But the high-level team she played for on a Saturday had some very loud girls and their parents who were always in the coach's ear. She joined an established team and couldn't get through the barriers, I suppose.

I have also spoken to her a lot about reframing things and looking at alternative sports. She is actually changing schools this year to a much sportier, independent one, so she will. have the opportunity to try new sports. She won a bursary based on her sports. The school coach saw her at a competition and offered her the opportunity to apply.

I want her to have fun this year.

I know that your daughter is disappointed and upset at the moment but it could be a blessing in disguise for her. She can still play the sport but she won't have endless practice and matches. I know someone who ended up repeating his final school exams due to poor results. He was to busy with training and matches that his school work suffered.

I know one young lad. He decided around your daughter's age that he stay playing sport but he would not be going towards the county team. He knew that if he got their he have more training and matches.
He wanted to get into a certain university course that requires good grade. He decided to concentrate on school. He got into his course and is doing well on it. He will have a good job as a result of this.

Well, that's very impressive, that her skill got her an educational bursary. She's clearly talented, and should be very proud. That seems to me like a much more tangible form of success than county competitions...?

I just find it hard to believe that, in every one of the contexts you mention (the county team, the team where you say the coach didn't like her, the academy trial), other 'loud' girls with 'loud' parents were selected over someone who was better than they were. Surely a county team selected on the basis of who was the most vocal rather than their talent isn't going to do well in competition, and the coach's neck will be on the line?

If you absolutely genuinely think this, that your daughter is suffering from not being more vocal about her abilities, and from not having more vocal parents, can I ask why you haven't been more vocal and encouraged her to be more vocal (whatever that looks like)? If you think this is what is stopping her being selected over less talented peers, isn't it worth a try?

Unfortunately favouritism is massive in kids sport, especially at elite level.

i’ve seen kids win competitions and not been selected as they pick the kids they beat.

i’ve seen kids injured- the favourites get positivity and still invited to camps and competitions, while others are dropped immediately.

i’ve seen lottery funding held over kids- two kids with the same results, one will get funded, the other not. Some kids have their funding pulled if they don’t do x, y and z, some stay on funding for years without doing anything.

it’s shit. I can imagine it’s worse in team sports as there’s no individual winners to make it obvious who they overlook.

if you’re not a favourite you need to be incredibly mentally resilient or find a different path. Many kids I coach are taking US scholarships, or competing for other nationalities to get out of the GB politics.

14 is often the worst age as with girls the physicality can be very different- some are adult height, some still have a lot of growing and developing.

is there something else she can aim for? US scholarship? County team? The trick is to keep her in and motivated which can be difficult.

"I just find it hard to believe that, in every one of the contexts you mention (the county team, the team where you say the coach didn't like her, the academy trial), other 'loud' girls with 'loud' parents were selected over someone who was better than they were. Surely a county team selected on the basis of who was the most vocal rather than their talent isn't going to do well in competition, and the coach's neck will be on the line?

If you absolutely genuinely think this, that your daughter is suffering from not being more vocal about her abilities, and from not having more vocal parents, can I ask why you haven't been more vocal and encouraged her to be more vocal (whatever that looks like)? If you think this is what is stopping her being selected over less talented peers, isn't it worth a try?"

Yes this is what has happened. BUT, I also think my daughter needs to use her voice more too. There is a lot of favouritism going on.

Thanks for all your comments and I will consider everything. I think we need to look at the bigger context and support her moving forward whatever happens.

Thanks for your comments. You have nailed it! She is 14, but she has not hit puberty yet. Some of the girls she is paying against are giants compared to her.

We will look ar persuing other sports when she joins the new school. Thanks!

Show her the Andy Murray documentary that was on last night. He was second to Federer/Nadal for years but kept fighting and eventually made no 1. He never gave up.