New partner and teenager

[Gosia8787]

Hello,

I hope you are all well.

I am writing this post as I am at my wits end with my teenager daughter. Firstly I just wanted to say that I have came out of 16 years long abusive marriage with a narcissist . Its been two years and abuser is still throwing threats at me and is nasty but at least we dont live together anymore.

My biggest problem is my daughters behaviour. She shows lack of empathy since age 10 and is now 14,5. This is getting worse. She doesnt have any feeling towards me but hatred and same towards her sister who is 5. I dont think she ever huggd her sister and showed her love. I was very affectionate with her for 10 years of her life until she started separating from me due to puberty etc.

I met a nice man 1 year ago and she is aware of it but hates the idea of me being with someone. I am not planning moving in anytime soon but she refuses to meet him. She calls him IT, she uses swear words when she talks about him like son of a b, she says she will tell him to f off when he comes over and will make his life miserable. She started saying things that I should look after the children and I its disgusting that I want to have someone. I told her everyone deserves to be happy and I do too and her response to that is that I am just bored and I shpould be happy with my children not someone else. I see him only every 2 weeks for the weekend and girls stay with dad for that time.

Recently she said that if he moves in she will burn all his things down and run out of the house screaming and saying he molested her.. Luckily I recorder whole entire conversation. this came to me as a shock as she is very hateful and doesnt have any regrets for things she is saying. I gave her 2 hours and approached her again and said to her that things she says are hurtful and cruel but she stuck to her words and said its true. she also said she will make him bad reputation with my family. I feel like I am being abused by my own daught3er after being abused by her father for 16 years. She has some narcissistic traits when I read about it as her behaviour worries me . On the other hand her father has new partner and she said she is happy to have " new mummy" .I do everything for my kids and dont neglect them but I want to be happy. she is 3,5 years away from adulthood. Do I need to wait this long before I get together with my partner as she can give me so much trouble... I am lost for hope . I am scared this abuse will only get worse. Please help.

Can she go and live with her father and new mummy?

Perhaps her father and new mummy would prefer to accommodate her. You do not have to put up with this abuse. What is she like at school? Does she have friends? Does she need therapy? It's a difficult age and I really struggled with my daughter at the same age but she wasn't like this!

So you split from your husband 2 years ago and met your current partner 1 year ago, maybe the scale of changes has been a lot for her to come to terms with?

Maybe if you can offer her a guarrantee that you will not move him in until she is at least 17 then she will not be so jealous and feel her life is being fragmented.
It does seem a bit soon as you have only known him for a year and only on weekends to move him in because you hardly know him and it will inevitably lead to clashes with your daughter.
Yes it is unfair because she accepts your ex's girlfriend but you are perhaps seen as her primary carer and she feels threatened by your partner.
I think it's a bit soon to write her off as a narcissist as teenagers and divorce can be very unsettling for them, my son had a few bad years after my divorce but he's 17 now and he has matured and is lovely now.

Having a domestic abuser for a father is devastatingly traumatic. Has she had any therapy yet for this adverse childhood experience? She likely has CPTSD.
Just keep your dating life separate to her.

If you were in an abusive marriage for sixteen years, you can hardly be surprised that it's had a significant impact on your daughter.

She's clearly incredibly traumatised and needs therapy and support, not to be pushed away.

I agree with this.

The child is a product of her upbringing and you have a tiny gap to get her the professional help she obviously needs. What supports has she in place?

And no don’t move a man in after she has said what she has said. She is obviously traumatised and needs to have a safe place. She has 3.5 years to have a chance to heal and be supported.

That is what I would do because you may not have access to her from 18

I gave her guarantee but she says she will will never change her mind and p-refers to be homeless at 18 than live with him.

You’re obviously very aware of the damaging impact of your abusive marriage on yourself but make no allowances for the incredible damage done by it to your poor children. She’s not narcissistic, she’s hurt, traumatised and lashing out. You might have moved on with the new man but your expectations that she welcomes this are mad. You’re pleased you no longer have to see your ex but she still sees him and you expect her to be unaffected by it.

If you want her to display empathy I’d try and model some.

Is it surprising that she’s trying to turn her dad’s partner into a mother figure when you’ve rejected her as you have?

Why would you consider bringing a man into traumatised children’s home. Can you not see how this reinforces their feelings of no one has their safety as a first priority.

No it’s not fair but it’s the way it is the question is what are you going to prioritise?

I would suggest getting her therapy with family therapy for all of you on the side.
I would also suggest that you keep this new man separate from your children for quite sometime yet.
You have not given yourself enough time to get over your abusive marriage. Have you had any therapy yourself?

And teenagers pull away but that doesn't mean they don't need affection.

You were abused for 16 years and she has been abused her whole life. Witnessing DA is abusive and it impacts differently for everyone. I imagine her behaviour is very similar to her fathers. Lets face it we learn everything from our parents as we grow.

She learned that you deserve to be abused and abusingvyou is normal and how things should be to survive. Sadly this will give her problems in life, even if it's only with the relationship with you, her mother.

You need to get help to become a person who does not accept abusive behaviour from anyone. Not even your daughter. You can let her know this by telling her

That's unnecessary and unacceptable. But i want to work through this with you. I think some mediation might help.

I would keep your dating life seperate from her, it is quite soon to be having to take it on board as well as everything else.

She needs some sort of neutral third party to be able to talk through her trauma. Preferably from a decent professional.

It really doesn't sound like there has been a lot of time for you from leaving an abusive marriage and then meeting someone new. Even if your DD wasn't acting out for your sake I think you need to take your time and find some healing before committing again.

Nowhere in your long OP have you shown any understanding or interest in how your DD must have been damaged by your long abusive marriage - family abuse that was probably going on throughout her life.

It's not all about you - and I think it's a bit ironic to talk of her narcissistic traits! Poor girl.

Op your child is hurting she knows how abusive her dad was to you and now you've gone and got someone else for all you know could be the same as her dad, yeah he seems nice now but don't they all.
I know.what I'm talking about as I was in an abusive relationship and my oldest was the same she was so scared for me to get into another relationship for it to be abusive and I end up dead, talk to your daughter one on one and LISTEN TO HER HEAR WHAT SHE SAYS

👏👏👏

I can't believe some posters are suggesting just dumping her on her father. She needs dedicated, consistent love and professional MH support, not abandoning to the abuser who caused the whole mess. Your dating life needs to take a back seat, OP. Your daughter is deeply unhappy and certainly not ready for a new partner to become involved in her life.

16 years of abuse i dont think id want another man in my life for some time after that.

She is fine at school doing very well although recently she has had few detentions but she says its because the end of the school year and she is fed up. Grades very good .she has friends but she seems little bit ruthless when she talks about some relationships with friends. I can differ normal teenager behaviour from this. This is worrying me.

You’ve been very unfair to your dd. Living in a home with domestic violence has damaged her and it’s unsurprising that she’s angry and desperate to keep the status quo and want no men in her home.

You deserve to be happy but you are a mother with a dependent child so I’d be more concerned with her stability than my happiness.

My guess is that it took you years of abuse to leave your ex. Your dd is biologically programmed to want her father’s approval and as a child will find it hard to admit what her father’s really like. Pretending that her father and his gf are great, she can pretend that her dad is not abusive and not face the reality of what he’s really like. Can’t you see that it’s a coping mechanism with the fucked up situation ? Abused adult women are often in denial how bad their situation is and you expect a teenage girl to do better ?

Part of her behaviour is her age. Teenagers do not want to think about the possibility of their parents having sex and the possibility that they will have more babies. That is normal. Not hugging 5 year old siblings is also common.

You are very unreasonable to call your dd’s behaviour narcissistic. She’s clearly terrified of history repeating itself and pretending that her dad (and by extension his gf) are fabulous is part of the coping mechanism. Blaming you is easier than facing the truth - has she had any therapy? The fact that she warned you that she’d make up allegations about your bf looks like a cry for help to me. It’s understandable that she thinks that nobody moving in will mean no domestic violence - she’s not dating your bf so will not know if he can be trusted.

I’d be grateful that she warned you what she would do before he moved in and you ended up with the police and social services all over you too.

This must be tough op, I gave no advice but just to point out that she's happy to accept a woman in her father's life as women are safe for her but men aren't as she's seen what her dad can do. She needs therapy

Get her therapy and forget about introducing a new man into her life. Your children come first. They are your responsibility and priority and your own happiness must go on the back burner.

She's takng her lead from her abusive father. It's what she's learnt in her formative years. She has also been the victim of abuse herself whether you can see that or not.

You seem to be ignoring the many posters who have pointed out she has been raised in an abusive household. While I do sympathise in what you have been through, you can't minimise the fact you allowed her to be around this for 16 years. Now you need to step up and get her the support she needs.

… this is within the realm of normal behaviour behaviour for a young woman who has experienced domestic abuse her whole life.

Please engage in support for yourself around the impact of domestic abuse on children. Instead of comparing your daughter to your abuser, understand she is a product of her environment. This is not excusing or condoning her behaviour, but recognising that if comes from a place where abuse - and abuse towards you - has been normalised and desensitised.

In sharp contrast, she will also be hugely protective of you. This new male is a potential threat to you, and to her and her sister. How does she know he isn’t abusive? When a person who was meant to love and protect her behaved that way her whole life, why should she like and trust a new male?

Please don’t try to make her like or engage with him. Separate your dating and relationship from your children. Aside from your teenager, your little one will also be hugely impacted. They do not need another male around them, in their safe space, with their mother.

You can’t make your teenager engage with support, but you can access it for yourself. You can also put support in place for your younger child.

Leaving an abusive relationship can feel lonely and isolating, when all you have known is control. Many victims enter into new relationships very quickly to fill that void, some healthy and happy, and some end up being abusive. Take some time to understand yourself, who you are as an individual. What type of parent you are, and what type of parent you want to be. Understand the impact on your children, and how it has impacted on each of them differently due to their ages.

Your daughter is not a narcissist. She is a victim.

Where are you on your recovery? 16 years and you mention it's still continuing means you need time to heal.

During the abuse your daughter would have been aware, certainly would have impacted you and your ability to parent. I know because I was in your situation. When I left I realised how much anxiety I had been living with. I needed to heal first and stabilise the children which took several years.

I'm not saying you can't have a relationship but you will need to acknowledge your daughter was at a critical stage at the separation and her development has been impacted by her parents interactions.

You cant rely on a selfish ex to support your daughter so it will have to fall to you. Is any therapy available at school?

I think you have rushed into getting a new man to soon after 16 years of abuse.
Wouldent it have been better to stay single for a while and build up with your children first.
Make sure they are stable and know no man is coming in anytime soon.
Work on you and the kids.
16 years of abuse is a lot to get over but you seem to have got over quite fast.
Your daughter as a point kids come first.