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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Given up on asking teen for help - rant.

29 replies

Frazzledscampi · 23/06/2024 15:32

had an injury last week which involved a broken ankle resulting in some quite serious loss of mobility in doing simple tasks. On crutches and in a cast and hobbling about.

despite it being a very obvious break, from the outset my 16 year old daughter has been an absolute d1ck.

Eye rolling when I express pain or take pain medication, tutting at being asked to do her everyday household chores, and general passive aggressive comments. On Friday she went out for a “few hours” and came back 5h late, which is annoying but when I can’t really move and was expecting her back it was actually quite irritating.

The only things I can’t do (and feel very guilty about) are things like walking the dog and general “you need two hands” mobility based tasks like hoovering. I had suggested we swap household chores for a while - eg I’ll do her normal stuff if she does the dog etc. this was met with distain. I’m fine shuffling round the house and doing bits and bobs, but her attitude is really adding to the stress and I’m already in a lot of pain.

im very conscious that she is a teenager and NOT my carer and I don’t want her to be or feel like she is but I’m already at the point where I’ve given up. It’s easier just not to ask, and she does nothing on her own initiative.

Fighting about asking for help is stressing me out and I’ve just decided I’m not going to ask anymore and find alternative ways to get things done.

she is off to Florida with my ex husbands sister in a few weeks so she will be getting a nice holiday soon, and I just felt that a couple of weeks of helping a little bit more would not invoke such a sh1tty reaction from her and I’m disappointed in her lack of empathy.

this more of a rant to be honest, it’s just upsetting that she doesn’t care and I hate feeling like a burden. Anyone been through something similar?

OP posts:
Frazzledscampi · 23/06/2024 15:34

Probably should have added that her 9 year old brother has been much nicer so I do have a little bit of help and support at home 😊

OP posts:
cansu · 23/06/2024 16:02

I think I would tell her that how she is behaving is not OK. Tell her that if she was injured you would certainly be helping her.

dothehokeycokey · 23/06/2024 16:04

I really dislike this age of parenting

They have a whole circle of self and it grates me badly that you have to point out to them that they're behaving like a dick and to have empathy for people it's horrid.

I have a 14 year old like it. Such a stinking attitude at times.

If it makes you feel better they do grow out of it.

You have my sympathy op

FinallyHere · 23/06/2024 16:07

How badly does the hoovering need going?

If I had broken my ankle, I'm really not sure that I would be worrying about the hoovering, rather than thinking that would be one thing it would be easy to let slide.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/06/2024 16:11

I've seen five through teenagehood. Every single one of them, at various points, would have seen me on fire and just walked away. Getting any of them to do one single task in the house would be met with 'it's not faaaaaaiiiiirrrrrrr, he/she isn't doing anything, why do you have to ask MEEEEEEEE.' See my post elsewhere on dropping all the dirty plates so they smashed because not one of them would carry their used plate through to the kitchen...(and the CF response I got...)

They are all adult now and lovely. Absolutely couldn't do enough for me. So I think subliminal guilt comes into its own.

Hope your ankle mends swiftly, OP.

Frazzledscampi · 23/06/2024 16:12

It’s fluffy dog casting season and I can sweep the laminated floors etc myself to a decent standard but the living room carpet and hall carpet - maybe twice a week it needs done?

You’re right though, I shouldn’t be sweating the small stuff. I’m also obviously home all day (been off sick from work this week but am working from home again next week) so potentially have just been noticing it more being bored and sofa - ridden.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 23/06/2024 16:21

Change the wifi password. Give the new one to your son. Do not give it to your daughter.

Tell her she's being punished and tell her why.

Don't throw your hands up in the air and give in to this.

Cruelty is not normal teenage behaviour.

Octavia64 · 23/06/2024 16:25

Eye rolling about you expressing pain really isn't ok.

Getting back late is use for the course with a teenager and not really anything to do with your ankle.

I broke my ankle really badly a number of years ago. You need to prioritise your health and the absolutely essential chores which is probably going to mean your house is dirtier than normal. A teenager isn't going to share your worries about keeping the house up to standard.

AnOpinionInTheHand · 23/06/2024 16:32

i can’t believe someone said that you should just not bother with the hoovering rather than trying to force your lazy child to do it.

id tell her how disappointed you are in her and how hurtful it is that you do all these things for her but she can’t help you when you really need it

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/06/2024 16:33

mathanxiety · 23/06/2024 16:21

Change the wifi password. Give the new one to your son. Do not give it to your daughter.

Tell her she's being punished and tell her why.

Don't throw your hands up in the air and give in to this.

Cruelty is not normal teenage behaviour.

What's the betting that she'd just be really unpleasant to her brother until he coughed up the new password?
Teenage girls can really be the worst.

NoSquirrels · 23/06/2024 16:37

You can totally tell her she’s behaving like a dick. And you can insist she does the hoovering. Honestly, just because she’s eye-rolling and moaning and being a selfish teenager doesn’t mean you should shut up - it means you should double-down, if anything. I’m a massive fan of do t sweat the small stuff, and don’t fight battles that aren’t worth it, but some basic kindness and decency towards her incapacitated parent is not too much to ask. So keep asking.

CloudPop · 23/06/2024 17:03

mathanxiety · 23/06/2024 16:21

Change the wifi password. Give the new one to your son. Do not give it to your daughter.

Tell her she's being punished and tell her why.

Don't throw your hands up in the air and give in to this.

Cruelty is not normal teenage behaviour.

I never understand this. Do no teenagers have mobile data ?

Frazzledscampi · 23/06/2024 17:13

Octavia64 · 23/06/2024 16:25

Eye rolling about you expressing pain really isn't ok.

Getting back late is use for the course with a teenager and not really anything to do with your ankle.

I broke my ankle really badly a number of years ago. You need to prioritise your health and the absolutely essential chores which is probably going to mean your house is dirtier than normal. A teenager isn't going to share your worries about keeping the house up to standard.

The thing is, it is not something that she has ever done before. She has a curfew and has a set bus that she needs to get home (eg the bus at 19:15) and not once in the 3 years has she ever missed this bus, let alone being 5 hours late. I feel like she’s been very angry with me since the injury which is also quite upsetting.

OP posts:
Frazzledscampi · 23/06/2024 17:14

NoSquirrels · 23/06/2024 16:37

You can totally tell her she’s behaving like a dick. And you can insist she does the hoovering. Honestly, just because she’s eye-rolling and moaning and being a selfish teenager doesn’t mean you should shut up - it means you should double-down, if anything. I’m a massive fan of do t sweat the small stuff, and don’t fight battles that aren’t worth it, but some basic kindness and decency towards her incapacitated parent is not too much to ask. So keep asking.

I’m just exhausted by it 😞

OP posts:
CatherinesBar · 23/06/2024 17:17

I am sure she will learn - change Wi-Fi code, no money for going on holiday from you, no lifts that she wants when you can drive. In 2 years she is an adult. She will learn the consequences of her behaviour

AuldWeegie · 23/06/2024 17:32

Can your DS9 pick up some of the slack for extra pocket money? eg hoovering, which does matter with dogs shedding.

Teens can be really weird about sick or incapacitated parents. I’ve been through the damaged ankle scenario from a fall, bedbound for six weeks apart from toilet breaks,and it's as if they can’t compute the sudden change in circumstances and how to get out of their own self-absorbed thoughts. Your Dd’s apparent anger may well come from a place of fear and shock.

RedHelenB · 23/06/2024 17:59

cansu · 23/06/2024 16:02

I think I would tell her that how she is behaving is not OK. Tell her that if she was injured you would certainly be helping her.

This. I can't imagine any of my children behaving like this, but then from being little they were taught to have respect for others.

NoSquirrels · 23/06/2024 18:00

Frazzledscampi · 23/06/2024 17:14

I’m just exhausted by it 😞

I get it.

I’ve made you a cuppa. Brew

I hope she snaps out of it soon. As PP says, it’s likely some fear at seeing you hurt & not invincible as parents ought to be, that’s coming out as anger.

Also, just finished GCSEs? Probably been stressful all round, things changing etc.

Flowers
Frazzledscampi · 23/06/2024 18:04

AuldWeegie · 23/06/2024 17:32

Can your DS9 pick up some of the slack for extra pocket money? eg hoovering, which does matter with dogs shedding.

Teens can be really weird about sick or incapacitated parents. I’ve been through the damaged ankle scenario from a fall, bedbound for six weeks apart from toilet breaks,and it's as if they can’t compute the sudden change in circumstances and how to get out of their own self-absorbed thoughts. Your Dd’s apparent anger may well come from a place of fear and shock.

My DS is going to be heartily rewarded for his help and effort around the house during this time. He actually hoovered the living room today without me asking him bless him. (He then went to football and dragged mud through the house after but I don’t care 🤣) I was going to give her some money for holidays but nope 🙂‍↔️

fear and shock … maybe. I will try to think that instead of that she’s just an incompassionate mean girl.

OP posts:
Frazzledscampi · 23/06/2024 18:05

RedHelenB · 23/06/2024 17:59

This. I can't imagine any of my children behaving like this, but then from being little they were taught to have respect for others.

I have always taught my children this too, that and kindness, which is why this has really thrown me.

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 23/06/2024 18:14

My eldest was very very similar when I put my back out (paralysed from waist down, very nasty and scary time) - I knew she wasn't a 'natural' care giver - but blow me the scorn she showed was breath taking.

Firstly, I'm sure she was scared, I was the door and fixer - and I wasn't doing either, and there was no telling how long it would last.

Secondly, other family members could and did step up.

I believe words were had, but by her sister and dad, for not taking care of me when I needed it (I didn't make much sense anyway, and I doubt my complaint would register).

Once I started getting better, she actually turned it around, and now her dad is needing care, she is an absolute star.

Kids need teaching, vulnerability is scary, and teens are a separate species sometimes.

CatherinesBar · 23/06/2024 18:18

Your son will learn that helping others is good.

your DD will rely on her own money and her dad’s for the holiday.

foghead · 23/06/2024 18:24

I would actually go mad. Kids need to know that sometimes you just have to step up and this is what being in a family is all about.
Would she not expect help in the same situation?
Sometimes family members need support, this is her home too. She can eye roll til they fall out but she needs to complete a few tasks.

Frazzledscampi · 24/06/2024 11:11

Timeforabiscuit · 23/06/2024 18:14

My eldest was very very similar when I put my back out (paralysed from waist down, very nasty and scary time) - I knew she wasn't a 'natural' care giver - but blow me the scorn she showed was breath taking.

Firstly, I'm sure she was scared, I was the door and fixer - and I wasn't doing either, and there was no telling how long it would last.

Secondly, other family members could and did step up.

I believe words were had, but by her sister and dad, for not taking care of me when I needed it (I didn't make much sense anyway, and I doubt my complaint would register).

Once I started getting better, she actually turned it around, and now her dad is needing care, she is an absolute star.

Kids need teaching, vulnerability is scary, and teens are a separate species sometimes.

Thank you for this - I’m trying to remind myself that it’s possibly from a place of fear. She was there immediately after the accident happened which much have been scary too.

OP posts:
TammyOne · 24/06/2024 11:18

Yeah one of my teens was absolutely horrible when I was diagnosed with a serious disease. Definitely fear. I have always been strong mum and suddenly I was weak and quite scared myself. It did get better and i was very clear how disappointed I was at the time.
I know said teen feels a lot of guilt about this, which I don’t encourage, but I do try to emphasise that everyone needs help sometimes and it’s what showing love means.

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