Do parents of 16 year old girls want to know the details of parties their daughters are going to?

[ChilliPerNilli]

My husband and I have 2 kids (7 & 5) and he also has a 16 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We've been together since she was 4, her parents split 18 months before we got together and her mother was always massively over protective and made contact with her father really difficult. My husband and his ex hate each other and can hardly hold a civil conversation, which I find hard work but my step daughter just seems to think is normal. I guess for her it is. She comes to us every other weekend.

This weekend is her weekend with us. it turns out my stepdaughter is going to a party with a male friend and then having a sleepover with him. Her mother has okayed this.

My husband actually asked his ex about the party/sleepover as step daughter was really bad tempered and refused to answer any questions about the party, saying she had told her mother. The mother replied with minimal answers: She knew the vague area the party was (15 mins drive from where the kids live, in a city with basic public transport) but didn't know whose party it was, who would be there or the phone number of the boy's parents where step daughter will be spending the night. These details were eked out over a few text messages with long delays and ignored messages. Stepdaughter said it was okay because her mother tracked her whereabouts on her phone, so knew where she would be. Turns out mother had gone away for the weekend with her boyfriend, so would not be easily able to pick up daughter if needed.

I have much younger kids, so maybe I'm still in the primary-school parenting mentality, but is this normal parenting for 16 year olds? The mother seems to have gone from so overprotective that she wouldn't let the kid paddle in a river, to completely blase about her teen daughter's safety. Surely the very least you should do is communicate what's going on to your ex - even if you hate them. I'm just a bit mystified about the complete lack of apparent concern for an emotionally young 16 year old, who physically could pass for a lot older.

@EdgarAllenRaven @Growlybear83

Do you not want to teach you kids to be more careful than you were? I genuinely feel lucky to have survived my teen years as I put myself in some really dangerous situations without my parents knowing. Including squat parties and jumping the fence at certain festivals aged 14 onwards
I was a very very wild teen. Yes it was formative and I do laugh about it but god it was stupid and most of it was totally unnecessary!

But if i found my kid in squat party I sure as hell would be in that hallway in suit or chicken costume or whatever else and if my kid was at a party with booze I would want to be picking them up (that is if they are allowed to go- and I know the adults present and what kind of alcohol is there)

My job as a parent is not always for my kid to like me

The daughter is being incredibly immature. Rather than focusing on getting details from the mum, the daughter needs to provide them. And if she’s not willing to provide those then she can stay at home.

@hermumsty I was very careful when I was a teen and was very streetwise. I suppose people would describe me as being wild at that age but I was every bit as capable of getting myself out of a difficult situation at 16 as I am at 66 - probably more so. My daughter was always aware that she could ring me at any time, day or night, and I would be there if she needed me, and I couldn't begin to remember the number of times I picked her up from somewhere at 3 or 4 in the morning. I think it's far more important for teens to see the real world and to have the chance to become streetwise rather than to drop them off at university without a clue about how to behave in potentially difficult social situations when their parents aren't as easily available for back up if needed.

I think by 16 you’ve got to trust them to some extent. My dd is that age and I’ll want to know where she is (but may only get area rather than address), how she’s getting home and when. If I have concerns I’ll voice them and offer advice which she almost always takes and certainly always listens to. By 16 you’re very much in the preparation for adulthood stage of parenting and I think really need to give them as much freedom as possible.

I think it must be a really difficult situation when you are the non-resident parent and have communication issues with mum, but you probably need to trust her judgment unless you think something is unsafe.

@Growlybear83 that is good- and I am pleased you have so much confidence in your 16 year old self not to overdo the "partying "!

I thought I was in control then, but actually a 15 year old in a field /squat party somewhere at an illegal rave and impaired by whatever is never in control in my view

My dd went to her first party at nineteen (after lockdown) and the friend she was with was raped at the party by a stranger. After she got away from him, the friend went to find my dd ans they left the house together and they had absolutely no idea where they were - they had gone to the party in an Uber.

They were trying to get another Uber but it was the same time the clubs were closing so it was difficult. They were just standing there because they were just on a residential street and they had no idea how to get to somewhere safer. A lot of the decisions my dd made were out of panic I think.

Anyway, now we make sure she knows where she is before she goes anywhere.
She looks to see what's around before she goes.
She puts £20 in her shoe.
She shares her location with its on her phone.
She takes a portable charger.
She has 'what three words' and she knows how to use it.

My seventeen year old has to give us the address of anywhere she is going to spend the night.

I have older ds and this age, I wouldn't expect parents number no to check they are there. I trusted ds1 and there was never any problem with parties.

She is 16, you are now in the stage where you rely on the parenting out in the years before. Your DH needs to realise he has to trust her and accept she isn't a child she is a teen who may have a sexual relationship.

So he needs to clearly communicate that he is her priority and he recognises but is struggling with the changes. He is going to work on them. He also might offer a code word to play the heavy dad should she need an exit, I always did this for mine.

cocaine?!

My ds is almost 17, but just finished GCSEs. I’d want to know where he was and who with, and to hear from him to make sure he was ok. I’d let him stay over but I also 100% know that he would call me if he wanted to leave, and that he is likely to want to leave if anything gets out of hand.

I wouldn’t ask to speak to the other parents at 16. But if my child had a history of not behaving responsibly I’d maybe be stricter. DS usually doesn’t like going out.

No it isn’t. They’re legally allowed to do what
the fuck they want. It may not be great parenting but it isn’t ‘negligence’

No not normal at all, I have two teen dd's.

At 16yo, I wanted to know the address where she was going.
I probably wouldn’t have asked for the parents tel number.

My biggest issue would be the ‘sleepover’ with male friend.
Is it just the two of them? In that case, it’s a date. Is everyone ok with her having sex/staying over at her bf?
If not the two of them, what’s the arrangement?

“My biggest issue would be the ‘sleepover’ with male friend.
Is it just the two of them? In that case, it’s a date. “

No, not necessarily. 16 year olds can also have friends of the opposite sex.

OP seems to have popped off, but I assume it is this friend’s parents actually taking DSD and the friend to and from the party.

Fwiw it’s not normal that his dd was so cagey.
She should have had no issue with telling her dad where she is going to spend the night.
The ‘mum follows me with the app on my phone’ doesn’t help if she needs picking up.
And more to the point, the agreement to go out should have been between the dd and her dad. I’m sure he doesn’t tell the dd she can go out on such day when she is with her mum. She should offer the same respect to her dad and ask him.

so you just wonder off when ever, and the people in your household have no idea where you are or when you will be back? That is not a family. That is a HMO

She might be one of those MN mums who feel they should not have any involvement in their kids lives as soon as they hit 16? Not my way, but it's how some households work

It seems likely to me that the mum knows and is happy with the arrangement but is not happy passing details on to ex.

Your mistake is assuming that she trusts ex more than another parent.

(My kids are older but did parties in similar circumstances. After prom was camping in a friend's field (they owned a farm). It was fine by me).

“I’m sure he doesn’t tell the dd she can go out on such day when she is with her mum. She should offer the same respect to her dad and ask him.”

My 16 year old doesn’t ask me any more, in the way you mean.

”I’m going to Lucy’s party with Fred on Saturday, Fred’s mum is going to take us and I’ll sleepover at his. “ would be what I would get.

It’s fairly usual for a 16 year old not to be sticking to a contact schedule rigidly anyway. Since she’s now into post gcse school holidays, she may come over during the week more, or she may spend hardly any time with either parent and just be with her friends.

Your dsd has two parents.

Why hasn't her father built the kind of relationship with her where he can just ask her for any information that he needs to keep her safe and she can understand that that's the only reason he is doing it? If it is his weekend, I'm not sure why dsd's mum needs to dragged into this at all?

What three words. Genius. Thank you!!

Thanks all. There are some very different opinions here, but it's really good to hear them all - especially as a step parent married to the non-resident parent.

I really wish that I'd had the experience as a parent when my stepkids were younger - just little things like feeding them immediately when they get home from school prevents all manner of melt-downs. I'm really aware that we're in the same position now - there will be things that will be absolutely obvious when our kids are teenagers that we have no idea about at the moment. It's so difficult to learn any of this when you only see them one or two days every fortnight and often not even that because of various events that have been booked at the same time. So all your different replies and opinions have been absolutely invaluable. Thank you all!!