Do parents of 16 year old girls want to know the details of parties their daughters are going to?

[ChilliPerNilli]

My husband and I have 2 kids (7 & 5) and he also has a 16 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We've been together since she was 4, her parents split 18 months before we got together and her mother was always massively over protective and made contact with her father really difficult. My husband and his ex hate each other and can hardly hold a civil conversation, which I find hard work but my step daughter just seems to think is normal. I guess for her it is. She comes to us every other weekend.

This weekend is her weekend with us. it turns out my stepdaughter is going to a party with a male friend and then having a sleepover with him. Her mother has okayed this.

My husband actually asked his ex about the party/sleepover as step daughter was really bad tempered and refused to answer any questions about the party, saying she had told her mother. The mother replied with minimal answers: She knew the vague area the party was (15 mins drive from where the kids live, in a city with basic public transport) but didn't know whose party it was, who would be there or the phone number of the boy's parents where step daughter will be spending the night. These details were eked out over a few text messages with long delays and ignored messages. Stepdaughter said it was okay because her mother tracked her whereabouts on her phone, so knew where she would be. Turns out mother had gone away for the weekend with her boyfriend, so would not be easily able to pick up daughter if needed.

I have much younger kids, so maybe I'm still in the primary-school parenting mentality, but is this normal parenting for 16 year olds? The mother seems to have gone from so overprotective that she wouldn't let the kid paddle in a river, to completely blase about her teen daughter's safety. Surely the very least you should do is communicate what's going on to your ex - even if you hate them. I'm just a bit mystified about the complete lack of apparent concern for an emotionally young 16 year old, who physically could pass for a lot older.

No way I would let her sleep over. I would drop her to the party, get address and check that the parents ARE there. Also, turn up a bit late, to check how many teens are there. Ask the parents if they are allowing alcohol on their party. Then it is up to you and your knowledge of DSD whether she is allowed a sip of alcohol or not. But I would give her a curfew and ask to keep in contact on the phone.

16 year old who has just finished GCSEs or who is half way through a levels?

I have a 16 year old boy (who is soon to be 17). We tend to know where he is for a party because we drop him off, but we also know the parents vaguely through years of school.

He has a GF who is the same age and they have had the odd sleepover ( we have had the condom talk). I don’t think I have her mother’s number, though we have said hi on occasion. I do have the GF’s number though.

There has been alcohol at all parties since the start of sixth form and I think you are on a hiding to nothing if you expect her to just have a sip of alcohol.

Just-turned-16, just finished GCSEs 16-year-old

it isn't necessarily over protective to not let a child paddle in a river, there could be raw sewage, or weils disease, or many things, depending on the river! That is a weirdly judgemental comment! And does indicate you are very judgemental of the mum.

But for a 16 year old to go to a party, (or a 17 year old or an 18 year old) I would need to know the address and that the parents are there.

Mine are in their 20s, and if they are out overnight I know where. If I am out overnight they know where I am too

I have a dd who is 16. It's utterly negligent to allow this outing with almost no details/plans.

I would expect to have the address, the timings and the contact details for the supervising adult. I also wouldn’t be allowing a mixed sex sleepover after party, as I think it puts both boys and girls in a potentially very vulnerable position. Instead, I would be staying up late and picking up by car.

I have a son the same age. I would need the know the address, the parents phone number, what time they plan to be home and set a curfew if needed and there would definitely be no sleeping over. I would also like a parent to be present and no alcohol.

I have a 16yo DD (and two other teens). If DD was going to a party, she'd need a lift, so either I would know where it was or one of the other parents would if we were lift sharing. I would know whose party it is, sort of (ie probably just a name!) but I wouldn't know who else would be there or the phone number of the host's parents. I wouldn't allow a sleepover afterwards unless I knew who with. Hope that helps.

I have a 16 year old daughter, and the expectation is that she lets me know the address of where she is, her expected time back, as well as sharing travel plans. Also who she is going with, as in which friends are going.

It's tricky, as it's alot of information to get and it can feel like an interrogation.

Alcohol will happen, it's just a question of when. So I've focused on sharing the scrapes from her slightly older cousins have got into.

Focus on her maturity level, can she handle getting out of a situation or calling for help/ambulance if needed?

Kids also need boundaries - so if she isn't ready or mature enough, don't be afraid of shutting it down with clear reasons.

From my experience the best thing you can do is work on having the best relationship with the teen you can. You can have all the info you requested but if she doesn't feel she can call for help then that's the most dangerous thing I think. She needs to know it doesn't matter how much she's had to drink, what time it is or what's happened you will come and help her. Because she will make mistakes. A code word she can text you if embarrassed to call in front of mates.
Having parents numbers etc and knowing who is there etc can give you a false sense of security. Yes, great to know but isn't very realistic at 16.

My ds is nearly 16, no way would I be allowing this situation. To be honest he stays away from most of the parties, they are usually unsupervised, the kids bring alcohol (and I'm talking vodka etc..) and all sorts of shit goes down. He sees the videos that do the rounds the next day, it's not pretty.
The only ones he wants to go to are supervised by an adult and a definite end time.

Have 18 and 16 yr olds. For 16 yr old would want to know where the party is and would probs do lift shares with another parent so would either be dropping or picking up. Wouldn’t have parents numbers or expect to speak to them (imagine if the hosts parents have to speak to every parent!). I would expect that there would be alcohol at this age. Wouldn’t allow the sleepover with one other person of the opposite sex afterwords. But generally after parties there tends to be a group sleepover (same sex) at someoneS house.

DS(16) has been invited to an "after prom" party next week. Initially I was told "it's in a field that belongs to someone's parents farm".

I've told him he isn't going unless I have an address and as a minimum, the name of the parents and details of who will be supervising.

If the parents can't communicate effectively the parent who's contact time it is when the party takes place needs to decide what's okay and what's not. During DH's contact time DSD's DM doesn't get to decide what is and isn't okay -it would be easy for a DC of that age to fall through the cracks of both parents if they aren't paying proper attention because whatever is happening isn't on their watch. DSD needs to get used to talking through requests/arrangements with the parent she'll be with at the time of the event, not the one closest at hand when a party is mentioned.

I would definitely not have known the phone number of the supervising adult for parties my DC went to, and most of the time the house number or whose party jt was. Sometimes I might know the latter but not always. One of them had a relationship at 16 and their GF slept over. I just asked whether her parents (who I did not know) were okay with it and discussed safe sex.

My Mum tried that kind of control when I was a teenager and we were never close as a result. I couldn't trust her to understand my judgement and good sense or how teenagers lived. I never told her anything intimate and if i needed support about a difficult issue I relied upon my friends. Many of my friends slept with their boyfriends or girlfriends at that age but had to do it in fields, cars or friends houses - not very safe or pleasant.

No harm was done with my DC now in their 20s - I have always had open and positive relationship with both my DC with clear understanding of their relationships, their issues and drug and alcohol consumption.

I would not have appreciated my XH interrogating me about the details of their social or personal lives. If he wanted to know he should cultivate the same open and trusted relationship with his DC as I had. Sounds controlling and aggressive.

I would want to know the address and idea of who is there. It’s really hard to say no at this age. Dd is 16 and I’m the last 3 months has really grown up. She is off out to concerts and trips to the city nearby on the train. I hate it but also know I have to let her, hope I’ve taught her to make sensible choices and then be there to pick up the pieces if she doesn’t. I actually sympathise with the rapunzel story as I want to keep her protected.

It’s even harder on a dc who has 2 parents and they don’t agree. That’s tricky for the teen to navigate.

And I would have confirmed all this at drop off. No way would there be a sleepover.

Sounds like there might not even be a party?

My DD has just turned 16 and has been going to various 16th bday parties. I think in this scenario, I'd want to know whether she was just planning on spending the night with one boy - in which case, not allowed, or a whole load of them would be camping out in someone's sitting room after the party, in which case, maybe.

Although DD's best friend is a gay boy, so I'm much more chilled about them spending time together, inc overnight, as I'm sure they're just good friends.

I wouldn't expect to know the parents' phone number of the party or sleepover. I'd expect DD to have sufficient charge on her phone that I could contact her.

I'd like to know the specific address that she was
at.

Alcohol has been at these parties for the last 6 months or so. I don't know if the host parents provide it or if the DC just bring it, but with DD's 16th party this week (at our house), we didn't supply alcohol but other parents were definitely involved in supporting their DC to bring alcohol to our party.

I would want to know the address of the party and I would prob insist on picking up (late) I would probably invent family Sunday brunch plans as a reason to want her back in the house before that. I wouldn’t provide alcohol but would assume she’d drink some. I wouldn’t be happy with the mixed sex sleepover bit.

I would expect alcohol. We’re hosting an after prom party and I’m providing alcohol - on the understanding they don’t bring any. I’m trying to avoid them bringing vodka and ending up in a coma. I’d rather have a few ciders and cocktail cans at 4%. It’s very tricky to balance this age.

It’s also a mixed sex sleep over… I know it’s mad but I’d rather host than them go somewhere else. I’ve said I’ll be randomly checking they’re okay and the door stays open. Dd is a lesbian so then no boys thing is a bit confusing here as it’s not the same.

OMG at 16 I was going to Glastonbury by coach!
Please just let her go , they will be drinking and having sex. Get over it.
If the Mum has a tracker on her phone, what more can you do?

Over reaction, of course it's nit negligence.

How is a tracker going to help the girl if her mother is not there to pick her up if needed? If she wants to leave for whatever reason - feels ill, feels upset, feels unsafe, is really drunk and can only just manage to call someone for help but only her mother knows where she is, and her mother isn't answering the phone because it's not her weekend and she's away with her boyfriend, how does the girl tell her dad where she is? I guess whatsapp location, so long as she isn't so drunk she can still use it.

It's woman101 to be safe and have a way out.

My DD is 18 and she tells me where she is going to if she is going to a party. She tends to stay at her best friends who I know well or they stay here afterwards and one of us parents pick them up. It's a safety issue. Was the same when my DS ( now 26 ad has his own flat ) was that age. No way would I let her stay out with a young lad at 16 pal or no pal. Even at 18, I would be telling my DD , NOPE ! Not a good idea. YANBU

I agree - of course this is what will be happening.

I found it quite hard to adjust at first when my daughter was that age, probably because I remembered what I was like myself in my teens. Mobile phones didn't have the same tracking capability when my daughter was16 as they do now, so I asked her to let me know where she was and to text me when she arrived/left in case of anything terrible happening, and when she expected to be home. At 16 I think it's way over the top to be trying to ban sleepovers, and of course they will be drinking.

I can still remember my horror when my parents had decided to crack down on me staying out very late/overnight when I was 16 and my dad came to pick me up from a party in some friends' squat at midnight. I was a few minutes late going out to the car and the next thing I knew, he was standing in the hallway in his shirt and tie. I was the laughing stock of my friends for ages and I always swore that I would never do that to my daughter.