Not involved in uni visits

[Hellodarknessmyfriend]

I'm not sure about this one so here goes...
My two boys live with their dad the majority. It really wasn't what I wanted but ex-husband was/is coercively controlling. He also has a very big house complete with hot tub and swimming pool whereas I'm still in 3-bed privately rented a decade on (also financial abuse and control).
Tbf to ex, he did warn me that if I dared to leave him I would be punished by losing everything so maybe I should have listened to that and stayed. Ultimately I was made aware of the consequences.
Anyway, I got an automatically generated message from my son's band today saying he wasn't at rehearsal. I messaged him to check in on him and his reply was he was at a uni open day with father. Ex-husband is extremely keen for him to attend this uni on the basis that he himself went there (and look how successful he is, so surely son must follow in his footsteps).
My mum feels son should have let me know he was going to look around. Admittedly son knows there was no way we would have gone together due to past history.
I'm not sure.
I suppose (unfortunately) I'm used to feeling excluded.
Mum says I should tell him when I call him later I feel hurt I'm once again being shut out.
But is there any point?
Son is 16, 17 in summer.

Ask if he’s visiting any more, perhaps you can go to another with him.

agree, just tell him you would like to go to some with him, if he goes to any more. Lots of youngsters go on their own, without either parent though

My two boys live with their dad the majority

If they had wanted to involve you, they would.

How often do you actually see them?

how well do your sons get on with your partner?

@keeptryinggirl EOW eldest, every other Weds - Sun 14 yo.
Ex-husband would not "permit" me to take my son on my own without him going too.

It sounds as if your son had little choice about this uni visit. I definitely wouldn't pile any more emotional pressure on him by saying you're hurt to be left out. As PP have suggested, I would be enthusiastic and ask if there's another visit you could go on.

@keeptryinggirl My husband?
They really like him.
He is the polar opposite of my ex!

@tribpot Father would not permit that without joining us.

your son will presumably be able to drive soon?
how local are they to you?

@keeptryinggirl About 25 mins drive away.

op this is not your ex’s fault
in fact it’s no one fault
your teenDS didn’t tell you he was going to open day

have you chatted to him about uni open days and his plans?

People aren't suggesting you ask if there's a visit you can go on without your ex. Just asking to be included. In the meantime you could order some prospectuses if your son tells you where he's applied, to look at together when he's at your house. Unis often have virtual open days as well, which you could go on and talk to your son about afterwards.

Wonder if your ex had realised that once your son is at uni you can visit him whenever you like, without being 'supervised'.

TBH the uni visits are a bit of a chore so let his dad do it!!

@tribpot Thanks, that a great idea.
There's only one other uni he's putting down.
But I imagine he'll be expected to go to the uni his dad went to. His dad also wants him to do exactly the same degree but son isn't keen so really hoping he stands his ground here.

@keeptryinggirl Yes. We went out for dinner together a few weeks' ago and chatted about it. He told me there was another one he had wanted to go to but he knew his dad wouldn't be keen so kept quiet.

so…. could you not have said “well let’s go!”

So you only see your son every few weeks and you're upset he didn't invite you on the uni trip? Not trying to be ugly, OP, but wild horses wouldn't have kept me away from my children regardless of the twattery level of my ex. I think you have some bridges to build with your son.

i just can’t fathom hearing my son say this and not responding with “stuff that… let’s take a road trip together and check it out”

@LifeExperience The EOW was court ordered. Just as it was 50/50 from when they were 3 and 6. I spent thousands fighting it. Literally thousands. EOW = every other weekend.
@keeptryinggirl No because it had been and gone. His dad would have gone mad at me if I took him to visit a uni which was not "aspirational enough". Hence I imagine why son didn't mention it.

it had “been and gone”

OP…. there will be others at this uni… have you even checked?

and His dad would have gone mad at me if I took him to visit a uni which was not "aspirational enough".

woman up op.

he had wanted to go
and he hadn’t told his dad
but he also hadn’t told you op

I think this smacks of your ex being controlling towards his son.
Is it the norm that parents should go to uni open days with their kids? I feel they should go on their own.
I'm sorry you feel excluded though. That's not nice and I would have a chat with your son if I were you

very much the norm at 16/17 yes

I would look forward not backwards, so no saying you felt hurt just I would love to come with you to the next one. Also just because he is applying to his Dad's old uni doesn't mean he would get offered a place especially if it is high up the rankings and oversubscribed.

His dad would have gone mad at me if I took him to visit a uni which was not "aspirational enough" well as you have him EOW just go to that uni, it doesn't have to be an open day to walk round and just like you were kept out of the loop surely you and your son can keep his Dad out of the loop.

Sadly there are some horrific sacrifices we make for our children, for you it is either having him "go mad" at you or that he accompanies you on the next one he deems suitable. You need to show your son that you have his back to go up against his Dad and take him to the uni he wants to visit.

I would also inform his college of his choices and explain his Father is not supportive but you are. Then they know they can talk to him about his options. DCs sixth form would want to know this.

@Cakeandcardio completely the norm for parents to accompany their DC to uni open days and considering I am expected to fork out over £5k a year to support them I would like to see where they are going and compare them. Both Dh and I went to uni so it isn't like we feel we missed out. But the government only allow our children minimum maintenance loan based on household income. Accommodation for Ds1's first year was £6.3k for self catered and his loan was £4.5k. No choice, all the accom was that much with small tweaks for sharing, en-suite etc.

@bluedressforme He's predicted 4 A* so is likely to get in.
His dad is incredibly controlling. If someone goes against him there are always cconsequences. Both myself and my sons are fully aware of this. They have seen it through how I have been treated. It's all about self-preservation.
@keeptryinggirl With all due respect, I don't think you really understand much about coercive control and its impact. Not just within a marriage at that.