Not involved in uni visits

[Hellodarknessmyfriend]

I'm not sure about this one so here goes...
My two boys live with their dad the majority. It really wasn't what I wanted but ex-husband was/is coercively controlling. He also has a very big house complete with hot tub and swimming pool whereas I'm still in 3-bed privately rented a decade on (also financial abuse and control).
Tbf to ex, he did warn me that if I dared to leave him I would be punished by losing everything so maybe I should have listened to that and stayed. Ultimately I was made aware of the consequences.
Anyway, I got an automatically generated message from my son's band today saying he wasn't at rehearsal. I messaged him to check in on him and his reply was he was at a uni open day with father. Ex-husband is extremely keen for him to attend this uni on the basis that he himself went there (and look how successful he is, so surely son must follow in his footsteps).
My mum feels son should have let me know he was going to look around. Admittedly son knows there was no way we would have gone together due to past history.
I'm not sure.
I suppose (unfortunately) I'm used to feeling excluded.
Mum says I should tell him when I call him later I feel hurt I'm once again being shut out.
But is there any point?
Son is 16, 17 in summer.

no op
i don’t understand

@keeptryinggirl You're very fortunate. It's insidious.

yes
but your children are still under his roof
and youre not advocating for them

your ex can’t do anything to you. You’ve remarried and live in your own home.

but you are witnessing the impact of your exs controlling nature on your vulnerable young son and not doing anything about it

It's not recommended to only put 1 choice on your UCAS form. Surely at least 2, a back up is sensible.

@Hellodarknessmyfriend they can have 4 A star predictions and still not get in it depends on the uni and his personal statement and who he is going up against. There was a stand up comedian who said he quoted Nobel Prize Winner Malala Yousafzai on his personal statement and Malala was also applying at the same time to the same uni.

You might want to have a look at the Higher Education board for this sort of thing. The number of places can be very small compared to the number of applicants. Some information on who a uni offers to is on their website some is available from shared Freedom of Information Requests. Some unis require entrance exams to be sat depending on the course. Those take place this November.

Is it the norm that parents should go to uni open days with their kids? I feel they should go on their own.

It is very much the norm. In our case Northern Rail went on strike every Saturday for 4 months, so I drove DD to open days. I didn't hover, but she appreciated having someone with her for feedback and to discuss things with.

Also, at 16 and 17 (summer born, and we started looking in year 12) she won't have been allowed to stay in a hotel on her own when we visited universities too far to do in one day.

Public transport isn't great where we live (when it isn't on strike), so going by car was a much better option. For example, to get to Warwick would have been three trains and a bus.

None of DD's friends were interested in the same universities as her so she didn't have anyone else to go with.

And lastly, I wanted to go with her.

@bluedressforme I don't mind where he goes as long as he's happy. But I think very differently to his dad on this. Money equals big homes and happiness after all. And as a man that's essential because otherwise, what sort of woman will want you?
Admittedly I'm not very intelligent myself (according to my ex and my sons); I only have a "fun job" as a primary teacher and the fact that I'm returning to uni at 43 in September to do my Masters is quite frankly laughable!
So ultimately, one would hope my children do far better than me.

You're allowed to counteract this bullshit, at least in your own home now @Hellodarknessmyfriend . It's not acceptable for your children to make you a figure of derision just because their bullying oaf of a father does.

@tribpot Very difficult when he has them the vast majority. They know, for example, that the use of the "n word" or homophobic comments will absolutely be tolerated in this house.
But it doesn't stop their father from allowing or condoning it at his. He has way too much influence unfortunately.