Leaving a 15 y/o girl at home with 16 y/o boyfriend

[pitchie]

Our daughter is 15, in fact she is 16 in 4 weeks. Her boyfriend turned 16 last month.

Yesterday, we have found out that she had her boyfriend around for about 2.5 hours without telling us. We don't spy on her, it was completely off chance that we discovered this. She's just finished her exams and is very intelligent but this doesn't sit well with us. She didn't ask.

They've been seeing each other for about 3-4 months, out of school because of the distance between where we live, they've visited each other at home when parents were there at each house. They've only done that 3-4 times. Mostly their interactions have been at school.

We've had a few issues with her recently where she want's to make her own decisions and she's quite adamant about things. Some have been quite trivial but some as important like deciding whether she should have a toe operation. (We said she should and got her there and then she refused treatment from the doctor)

I'm conscious that we've been getting on at her lately for one thing or another and don't want to push her away but there has to be trust in return. Inviting her boyfriend around without asking is breaking the rules and she knows it.

How would you handle this situation, and how old would you suggest is ok for two teenagers to be left home alone?

What are you actually concerned about?
If it's them having sex, it's probably already happening and would happen regardless of if your in or not.
Is it that she didn't ask? She's almost 16, it's her home as well, why can't she invite her friend over? Would you react like this if it was a female?
To me this is a non issue, yes ask that she lets you know if she's going to invite people round but other than that I wouldn't make a big deal about it.
At the end of the day, she's a couple of years away from being able to leave home and live life completely separately.
I'd be trying to ensure an open relationship where she can talk to you about anything, not be nitpicking about visits and making her feel as though it is wrong/naughty.
Teenagers are hard enough to get along with without micro managing their every move in their own personal life.

It is a really tricky age as they think they are grown up but they are not quite. I think you put in boundaries that you feel comfortable with and ensure that she is using contraception. I would expect that she tells you when he is coming and you make him welcome. If they want to have sex they will at least at home she is safe. These things are very difficult to navigate.

100% agree with Twisty. You are making way too much out of this. My 14.5DD regularly has her boyfriend round, and they even :::gasp::: spend time in her bedroom alone with the door closed. Because I trust her, and don't come over all 1950s father, she chats to me about their relationship and 'next steps '. She's nowhere near sexually active yet and I'm 100% sure she will not have sex with him until she's ready and on her own terms, which is all I want for her.

Thank you.

We think she's responsible. The issue isn't surrounding whether we think she is having sex or not. Her mother has had close 1 to 1 chats with her to ensure she feels safe and to come to her if she thinks that the relationship is progressing in that direction.

It's more around the dealing with a 15 year old that seems to want to make a lot of decisions herself and inviting her boyfriend around without asking. I get it seems somewhat trivial but we've made sure that in the past when they've visited each other that parents are around. So, regardless of what you think around the triviality of it, she has broken something that was already in place.

I want to ensure that we don't exasperate anything and make her want to find her own home in a couple of years as you point out. We want to support her, love her and help her make good decisions. We don't think that inviting her boyfriend around without permission is a good decision and that affects our trust with her. We want to trust her and support her, but when she's dishonest that's difficult.

My post was more about how to navigate the situation than worrying about her doing anything untoward.

Sorry but your update doesn't help, either you trust her or you don't.

She is nearly 16, she should be allowed to invite her friends or boyfriend home without getting permission. It's her home.

What are you trying to navigate exactly?

There's some sarcasm in here that I'll ignore.

When he comes around and we're in, they spend time in her room with the door closed. I don't know why you've made some assumption that we're being overly protective like that. Perhaps my original post wasn't worded properly.

This is about her breaking our trust and how to deal with it in the correct manor. This isn't about her having sex. She's been really open about the way she feels about that with her mother. Thanks.

I don't see a problem but then I allowed that
My daughter is now 22 and they're still together, have lived together for 5 years now.

Dude. You need to loosen the leash a bit. She's 15, going on 16. She needs to be empowered to start making decisions on her own, not given a guilt trip about 'breaking your trust'. Exams are over, there is no reason to be forcing her to ask your permission before inviting friends over. And if it's not all friends, just her boyfriend, that needs official permission and chaperoning, then we are back to point A, where you are showing her that you don't trust her to make decisions about herself.

And that's fine. I'm open to the idea that we're being over the top. I'm just trying to be clear and honest about the situation. I appreciate your comment about the distinction between friends being able and boyfriends being treated differently and that displaying distrust, Thank you.

1. Shes a teenager she will push boundaries
2. Make sure shes on birth control. She is having sex

I think just be open about it - just ask her to let you know if he's coming over. Not asking for permission, just letting you know. In the same way I would let my partner know if a friend was coming over so that he didn't walk out the shower naked.

I think talk to her. Might it be that the agreement is out of date rather than that she has broken your trust? You can be open with her about learning how to be the parent of a teenager. It's not like we're born knowing is it. You have to feel your way together, really.

If you're not worried about the consequences of her having her bf round alone, what is it that you're worried about? If it's just the principle of it, well, then you probably need to be more flexible and communicative because human relationships work on communication not principles. Like with the toe op, you didn't want her to have it because you told her to did you? You wanted her to have it because of whatever medical reason (I presume). If you're not actually bothered about her bf and her having sex then what are you worried about?

Also if you're rural and she's wants to he independent make sure it's possible for her to get to the doctor's to get herself the pill if she wants to. She might not tell you anything, even if she's comfortable with telling you, because it's her business.

"It's more around the dealing with a 15 year old that seems to want to make a lot of decisions herself and inviting her boyfriend around without asking. I get it seems somewhat trivial but we've made sure that in the past when they've visited each other that parents are around. So, regardless of what you think around the triviality of it, she has broken something that was already in place."

This part of your post stands out to me. It's natural that an almost 16 year old will want to start fostering their independence and making their own decisions. It's human nature.
I get that previously visits have been arranged when parents were present but was it explicitly stated "no boyfriend unless we are here" or was it just expected that she would continue to follow previous arrangements?

I suppose going forward you need to be clear in your expectations and give a rationale as to why. If it's "because we can't trust you" I can imagine she will just drift away from you and just begin covering her tracks better.

I think you need to reframe your relationship with her in your head, and that comes from the toe operation as much as the boyfriend. The days of you being able to tell her what to do and make decisions for her are rapidly coming to an end. Part of being a good parent is letting her practice making those calls herself.

Re the toe op, instead of seeing it as her going against your wishes, try seeing it as her practising body autonomy. She was uncomfortable, she refused treatment... That's not inherently a bad thing. Might she regret it later? Maybe, but toe ops can be rescheduled, being able to advocate for herself in the face of authority is actually a bloody good thing.

Maybe you need to start asking her opinion about stuff, rather than giving her yours. Ask her what she thinks of the boyfriend's invite-only rule / summer curfews / her healthcare issues. Genuinely listen to the answer, and try to compromise. For example, my daughter was offered a summer job doing the sound engineering for a local band every week. It is a late night, at a pub, and started at the beginning of June (so the first month is still during school). I said no, I think you're too young. She put together a reasoned argument for why it was important for her to do it, and mitigated my main concerns. I thought seriously about it, then agreed. She's happy, I'm happy, she gets to have control over her life, all positive.

She's evolving, you aren't. Your little girl isn't that any more. Her brain is changing, her world view and sense of self are developing in a way that you're lagging behind. Talking about permission and trust sits uneasily, a bit Victorian patriarch. Hopefully her mother is advising on contraception, as she almost certainly needs it.

And being able to say no to a surgical intervention she feels uncomfortable about is a damn good thing, especially for women. Good practice for facing the gynaecology profession.

Bodily autonomy and the courage to stand her ground are admirable characteristics.

The op can always be rescheduled once she's had time to research and build up her understanding and confidence about it, why it's valuable, the benefits, etc.

Thanks for the long posts @Twistyripple and @MonaChopsis and others as I've taken time to write this 😂, I appreciate you taking the time.

We're aware that she's growing up and will naturally want to make decisions for herself. I guess the reason we feel off about this is that she naturally tells us about things, asks permission for things she's unsure about and doesn't do many things without telling us. She also didn't mention he'd been around either which also leads me to believe she's hiding it - which is not what we want.

For example, she has just text me to see if she can go ice skating later when we've talked about how she is free to skate her socks off during the holidays. We know when the sessions are, we pay a monthly subscription for unlimited skating and she can get there of her own accord. She still asks if she can go, which she doesn't need to, we've told her to go enjoy it.

She would ask us if her girl friends could come around. This isn't something that necessarily has been discussed and has happened organically so I'm conscious of that. She also knows that in the past, when going to his, we've asked if his parents will be there, as have his parents.

So, not asking nor even telling us about his visit yesterday feels like she has purposely not told us for some reason. That's 100% something we want to avoid. Now that may be because my partner and I need to grow up too, I appreciate the comments that suggest as much, but it's a two way street and she needs to be open with us. I want to explain all this to her without her feeling like we're getting on at her.

Ok it went against a previous agreement and she should acknowledge that showed disrespect

However, I would agree that agreement is a bit ott now she's almost 16

It's a one off. Tell her you still trust her and expect her to respect that

But yes - loosen the apron strings or you'll hamstring the relationship!
And expect it to change fairly dramatically in the next 2 years too (dd turned 18 recently!)

In my experience - and your DD may be unlike mine - if you're trying to have this conversation without a row, that's almost impossible! But your sentence here: So, not asking nor even telling us about his visit yesterday feels like she has purposely not told us for some reason. is perfectly reasonable. In your shoes I'd be asking her about it, trying to be as gentle, casual and puzzled as possible about it rather than confrontational. Then - honestly - I'd expect her to get really cross, stomp off sighing, and then come back to one of us later and talk about it. She probably thought you would say 'no' so you can pretend you wouldn't have complained if she had mentioned it.

I'm sure they are just reading passages from the bible together. With the door shut. 14-year-olds are known for their self-control.

OP - I would make it clear to her that lying and refusing surgery are not acceptable behaviours. But to soften that, have a think about what decisions you would feel comfortable with her making, and give her some free rein with low-risk decisions.

Like, letting her budget her own clothing allowance for the year. Or ask her what she thinks a fair curfew is and negotiate from there. That way she feels like she has a say in her own life, but you are making it clear that you are still the parent.

OK, so you have a conversation with her about trust, openness and honesty. How you respect the fact that she is growing up and becoming more independent and that's fine, but for you to be able to allow her to make the most of that growing independence, there needs to be open communication on both sides. You explain that you're not out to control her or spoil her fun, you're not going to put unreasonable or arbitrary limits on what she can or can't do, you just want to keep her safe. In return, she needs to be transparent with you about her plans.

In this scenario, you could explain that you wouldn't have actually stopped her bf from coming round (because there isn't really any rational reason why you would need to stop it) but you do expect her to tell you when she is planning to have friends over etc. This is just common courtesy within any household.

If she knows that you will be reasonable and not put a stop to stuff without good reason, she won't have any reason to hide.

I don't understand your concerns. At first I thought you meant over night when you were on holiday in which case I can understand your worry. But I think you just mean in the day. Surely at almost 16 she should be allowed to invite her friends to her home? Also she has the right to say no to an operation at her age.

It sounds as though you don't want her to grow up or make her own decisions. None of us can turn the clock back and we can't keep our children as dependent infants for ever. She will legally be an adult in two years so she needs to be allowed to make decisions about her life now . With you there to guide her of course. But if you are too authoritarian now she is much more likely to become rebellious and to not accept your advice.

@MattDamon Currently seems to be a 50:50 mix of snogging and watching tik-toks. They straightaway shout for me to come in when I knock (to offer them snacks etc) and I've never seen them 'en déshabillé'. She's mortified by the thought of him ever seeing her boobs. I think it's all good here, thanks.

OP I agree with the posters who said have a chat with her, but make it clear it's not a 'disciplinary'. In fact, I'd go the other way. Tell her you were upset at first, but it made you realise that the rules were no longer appropriate to her age, and that made you feel bad that you hadn't moved with the times. Take that rule off the table, tell her you'd appreciate a heads up when any friend is coming over. Ask her if there's anything else she currently feels is unfair or restrictive. Use this to have a really open chat about your relationship/rules.

You say she asks you about for instance going skating, even though you've given her permission. She might be asking because you've given permission... Is she an approval seeker, in general? If so, it's even more important that you empower her to make her own decisions. Reinforcing the yes when she asks about something she knows she'll be able to do is a really low conflict way for her to gain that confidence...

Have you never been a teenager op?