Leaving a 15 y/o girl at home with 16 y/o boyfriend

[pitchie]

Our daughter is 15, in fact she is 16 in 4 weeks. Her boyfriend turned 16 last month.

Yesterday, we have found out that she had her boyfriend around for about 2.5 hours without telling us. We don't spy on her, it was completely off chance that we discovered this. She's just finished her exams and is very intelligent but this doesn't sit well with us. She didn't ask.

They've been seeing each other for about 3-4 months, out of school because of the distance between where we live, they've visited each other at home when parents were there at each house. They've only done that 3-4 times. Mostly their interactions have been at school.

We've had a few issues with her recently where she want's to make her own decisions and she's quite adamant about things. Some have been quite trivial but some as important like deciding whether she should have a toe operation. (We said she should and got her there and then she refused treatment from the doctor)

I'm conscious that we've been getting on at her lately for one thing or another and don't want to push her away but there has to be trust in return. Inviting her boyfriend around without asking is breaking the rules and she knows it.

How would you handle this situation, and how old would you suggest is ok for two teenagers to be left home alone?

OP - I would make it clear to her that lying and refusing surgery are not acceptable behaviours

I agree about the lying, but refusing surgery is her decision. It may be an unwise decision, but she’s of an age where she should have autonomy over what happens to her own body.

Regarding the op my daughter is a bit older also refused an op at this age and has now decided to have it. I've fully supported her through it. It's not just dc changing at this age we as parents need to also learn to change and remember we can guide/advice but they need to start making their own decisions and learning from it.

I'd just tell her to ask if she anyone over in the future.

if she has him over without asking again then maybe she needs a consequence.

Ultimately, you are giving her boundaries. She will push them but actions have consequences.

I think you might want to consider your boundaries because there are things worth fighting over and things I'd let go but ultimately you are the parent and it's your rules.

Currently seems to be a 50:50 mix of snogging and watching tik-toks. They straightaway shout for me to come in when I knock (to offer them snacks etc) and I've never seen them 'en déshabillé'. She's mortified by the thought of him ever seeing her boobs. I think it's all good here
Oh, you sweet summer child!

I think you need to back off.

She’s entitled to her own decisions and who she invites round. Obviously not a spice head, but a boy from the same school sounds ok.

Whats the problem?

I think the best advice I was given re teenagers is to pick your battles. She didn't tell you about the boyfriend coming over because she probably sensed that you might disapprove, I'd let it slide if I were you.
If she's generally a good kid then I'd say all is fine.

Your house your rules. If it bothers you that much speak to her but at that age the last thing you want to do is push her away so if it were me I'd tread lightly.

We've had a few issues with her recently where she want's to make her own decisions and she's quite adamant about things.
You really need to get a grip, she's nearly 16, she's allowed to make her own choices.
Yous kind very uptight and controlling.

I remember doing exactly that when I was 15

I didn't sleep wit that guy. But it was just nice to hang out and watch movies together and have some privacy to kiss and cuddle.

Nothing sneaky about it just it's such a rare treat to have your house to yourself.

I disagree that she definitely is. She might do soon though

It sounds like you have a very open and good relationship with your DD and that's a great thing. I have seen two kids through teenagehood and I am as relaxed and open as you can get with them and in general. We can talk about everything and I very rarely had to enforce rules or boundaries because there is a strong mutual respect there and both my kids have been very sensible in my opinion. Even so, there have been instances where they have lied or withheld information, usually about quite trivial things. This is even though they weren't breaking any rules and they knew it wasn't something they'd get in trouble for but teenagers need to rebel a little bit, they need to test boundaries, they need to be a little naughty occasionally. This was especially noticable from my kids when they were around 14-16 years old. I think it's super natural and needed from their end and you have to just roll with it and adjust expectations and rules as you go along.

Clearly it is about sex. You had a rule that he only came over when parents were there. You had this rule to try and prevent sex. Your dd may well tell your wife that she will be open about this but in all likelihood she won't. It would be more sensible for her to use birth control and for you to relax about them being alone together.

I think lots of ladies must have had very different teenager-hoods than I did, to just completely refuse to acknowledge the possibility that teenagers might not be having sex. My husband and I have been together since I was 14 and didn’t even attempt to start having sex until 4 years later. If you have a close and trusting relationship with your teenager and they tell you they’re not having sex they very well might be telling you the truth.

I think at 16 you need to be focusing on the manners aspect of this rather than the permission aspect.
She lives in a house with you so if she's having people over she needs to run thar by you out of basic courtesy. She needs to not lie or ommit telling you about who she is bringing into your home.
However with regards to her seeing him thar is not really something you can dictate..
And the toe operation.. of course its her choice wether or not she receives medical treatment!! Unfortunately that may sometimes mean she doesn't make a decision you think she should.. but you really do not get to force a teenager that old to have an operation they don't want. Of course at that age its completely her decision.
I hate to be another one of these people saying this, but I was living with my boyfriend and working full time at 16..
I don't suggest that's a good thing.. but I just mean to say that at this point you need to be working on an adult relationship with your daughter where you can come to a place of mutual trust and respect..
That involves her not lying to you, and her respecting your house rules.. but also you not dictating to her what she does with her body
Best to navigate this properly now so that she enters adulthood with a good strong relationship with you. Not one where she feels she has to lie to and distance herself from you too much.