15 year old in love with vulnerable girl in the States

YourOrangeCookie · 2024-06-17T04:50:23+00:00

Hi, my (only just) 15 year old son has fallen in love with a 14 year old girl in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania. They met in a chatroom online (which I told him not to go on). They are both a bit vulnerable (my son has been a bit bullied and feels he has no friends in school and the girl has a complicated family life with a drug addict as a father and a mother with 12 children with different men, she lives with her auntie and she has a traumatic past) and find support in each other. I am very happy for him he has found a connection with someone and she seems very sweet. However it is creating problems: -the time difference, which makes him want to chat to her till really late and middle of the night; -he is desperate to go and see her (she can't come over because of anxiety), but we have not enough money for all of us to go and also we don't know her family and her situation is so unstable, we definitely can't let him go by himself. He gets very upset when we tell him this, but he keeps asking and is behaving like a tantrummy toddler because of all this. Any advice on how to deal with this? How can we make clear to him he is very unlikely to ever meet his girl? Thanks for any advice on this!

justasmalltownmum · 17/06/2024 05:51

In the first instance- Is she real? How do you know?

Original poster

YourOrangeCookie · 17/06/2024 05:52

Sorry I forgot to say we live in rural France

OP posts:

Original poster

YourOrangeCookie · 17/06/2024 05:54

Hi justasmalltownmum, we have seen lots of photos and heard and seen her online. They Facetime all the time, for hours on end, most of his friends have spoken to her as well and to her friends. She seems genuine.

OP posts:

Bewareofthisonetoo · 17/06/2024 05:55

Most of his friends? You said he has no friends.

Overtheatlantic · 17/06/2024 05:57

Tough love I’m afraid. If she’s real what does he think is going to happen between them other than teenaged pregnancy. There is a lot of deep poverty in rural Pennsylvania. She might be trying to escape her circumstances. Very sad if so.

minisoksmakehardwork · 17/06/2024 05:58

I second @justasmalltownmum. For all you, or he, knows she is not who she says she is. I presume if they're chatting they're doing video calls. But she could still be lying about her family situation and a 15yo boy is still vulnerable to grooming. Particularly one who struggles with friendships in his own country. She is a safe bet for him because he can equally be the person he wants to be, that he cannot be irl.

I would look at putting some self esteem work into your son, build a sense of who he is and that it's ok without relying on validation from others.

What he's doing now is feeling he is a hero to someone in an awful situation. It might not be a genuine situation, it may well be. But being her hero still won't stop him having the issues he has developing friendships and issues with self esteem. And long term, that's what needs to change.

menopausalmare · 17/06/2024 06:03

If he's up til all hours, I would put a timer on the Internet to limit the time spent chatting and ensure he gets a decent sleep.

cuckyplunt · 17/06/2024 06:16

Hide his passport for a start, just in case he wants to be really silly.
Tell him that if he wants to see her then he will have to pay for himself and get a job. That should concentrate his mind a bit, also give him something else to think about.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/06/2024 06:19

I doubt very much that all those circumstances are true. I really do.

yes to limit on time online (you know how to do that on the router right?)

parentfodder · 17/06/2024 06:19

I would put time caps on internet to limit when he can use it. And make sure he can't just use mobile data.

He can't seriously expect a trip to America?!! I'd keep it lighthearted and when he's an adult he can save and go if he chooses to. For now he needs to focus on his education so he can earn good money and be able to visit her.

stronglatte · 17/06/2024 06:21

We had a similar situation. We hid passports and credit cards and installed qustodio to monitor all activity. Our son has special needs. It wasn't love, she seemed vunerable too.. it was just two kind and loving young people caught in a narrative that was spiralling up .. the hardest part was that he grieved as though it was real

Original poster

YourOrangeCookie · 17/06/2024 06:22

Bewareofthisonetoo · 17/06/2024 05:55

Most of his friends? You said he has no friends.

Hi, I said he feels he has no friends, but he does, and they are not in his school so much. He has 3 good friends outside school and a couple in his school, but he is quite insecure and focuses on the bullies, not the few friends he has.

OP posts:

Original poster

YourOrangeCookie · 17/06/2024 06:25

stronglatte · 17/06/2024 06:21

We had a similar situation. We hid passports and credit cards and installed qustodio to monitor all activity. Our son has special needs. It wasn't love, she seemed vunerable too.. it was just two kind and loving young people caught in a narrative that was spiralling up .. the hardest part was that he grieved as though it was real

I know, this feels very similar. He doesn't have special needs as such, but his therapist has said he has rejection sensitivity, so it's great he feels he has finally clicked with someone, although it is online and so far away.
So how did it end, and how long did it take?

OP posts:

Original poster

YourOrangeCookie · 17/06/2024 06:28

menopausalmare · 17/06/2024 06:03

If he's up til all hours, I would put a timer on the Internet to limit the time spent chatting and ensure he gets a decent sleep.

Thanks, we take his phone off him at 10 pm since we realised he'd been up till very twice to talk to her. He can't access it anymroe.

OP posts:

Original poster

YourOrangeCookie · 17/06/2024 06:29

parentfodder · 17/06/2024 06:19

I would put time caps on internet to limit when he can use it. And make sure he can't just use mobile data.

He can't seriously expect a trip to America?!! I'd keep it lighthearted and when he's an adult he can save and go if he chooses to. For now he needs to focus on his education so he can earn good money and be able to visit her.

I know, he is a very clever and normally quite down to earth boy, and I am very surprised at this expectations now. Love is blind.

OP posts:

Original poster

YourOrangeCookie · 17/06/2024 06:31

BitOutOfPractice · 17/06/2024 06:19

I doubt very much that all those circumstances are true. I really do.

yes to limit on time online (you know how to do that on the router right?)

Hi! No I don't know how to do that on the router....we just take his phone physically of him at 10 pm (but always with arguments, very tiring). How di I set time limits on the router (as everyone says they know their way around parental controls)?

OP posts:

stronglatte · 17/06/2024 06:32

@YourOrangeCookie he's ok but it's been tough, we've had to keep a close eye on him. He joined a gym that helped but he's felt isolated as because of his SEN he's not found it easy to make friends. We've very much changed our lives and much more focused our activities around him .

Original poster

YourOrangeCookie · 17/06/2024 06:33

minisoksmakehardwork · 17/06/2024 05:58

I second @justasmalltownmum. For all you, or he, knows she is not who she says she is. I presume if they're chatting they're doing video calls. But she could still be lying about her family situation and a 15yo boy is still vulnerable to grooming. Particularly one who struggles with friendships in his own country. She is a safe bet for him because he can equally be the person he wants to be, that he cannot be irl.

I would look at putting some self esteem work into your son, build a sense of who he is and that it's ok without relying on validation from others.

What he's doing now is feeling he is a hero to someone in an awful situation. It might not be a genuine situation, it may well be. But being her hero still won't stop him having the issues he has developing friendships and issues with self esteem. And long term, that's what needs to change.

I know, we're definitely working on that, he also has a therapist. Thanks. Definitely a feeling of saving someone here, that is what he is like anyway. He is a good boy and very socially and emotionally engaged with people.

OP posts:

stronglatte · 17/06/2024 06:37

@YourOrangeCookie it gave us all a scare but he is better and we are more aware as a result of it . He knows that there is a difference between online and real connection now. Thank goodness he started a vocational course so that keeps him busy

Lkjhgdsrtgbjjm · 17/06/2024 07:14

Get him to watch some episodes of Catfish.

If you don't know how to set a timer in your router pay someone to do it for you.

parentfodder · 17/06/2024 07:42

@YourOrangeCookie in his mind someone sees him , that's a powerful thing

BitOutOfPractice · 17/06/2024 07:44

@YourOrangeCookie look up the make of your router. Google its admin settings. Log into it online (laptop / desktop usually best) and change The settings (and the password to one he doesn’t know / can’t guess).

Vettrianofan · 17/06/2024 07:55

Place marking.

Keepthosenamesgoing · 17/06/2024 07:56

Are you sure it's a genuine person? And not a groomer?
Look, it's pretty simple, why would you pay lots of money you don't have to fly out with your son to see this girl, if she exists. Talk to him about what if he did go. What then? They see each other once for 2 weeks? Then what? He can't move to the US, she can't move here. So that's another 3/4 years of being apart.
I think all you can do is make kind noises, sympathetic about the time difference whilst setting rules ie only weekends late talking and hope that it will pass.

FourTea · 17/06/2024 08:02

"I'm not paying for you to go to America to meet a stranger, sorry DS. You can go when you're 18 if you raise the cash yourself."

Internet switched off at 10pm.
Passport hidden.

If it carries on and gets worse ban Internet acess and phone.