15 year old in love with vulnerable girl in the States

[YourOrangeCookie]

Hi,
my (only just) 15 year old son has fallen in love with a 14 year old girl in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania. They met in a chatroom online (which I told him not to go on). They are both a bit vulnerable (my son has been a bit bullied and feels he has no friends in school and the girl has a complicated family life with a drug addict as a father and a mother with 12 children with different men, she lives with her auntie and she has a traumatic past) and find support in each other.
I am very happy for him he has found a connection with someone and she seems very sweet. However it is creating problems:
-the time difference, which makes him want to chat to her till really late and middle of the night;
-he is desperate to go and see her (she can't come over because of anxiety), but we have not enough money for all of us to go and also we don't know her family and her situation is so unstable, we definitely can't let him go by himself. He gets very upset when we tell him this, but he keeps asking and is behaving like a tantrummy toddler because of all this.

Any advice on how to deal with this? How can we make clear to him he is very unlikely to ever meet his girl?

Thanks for any advice on this!

They met in a chatroom online (which I told him not to go on).
How long had he been using the forum despite you telling him not to go on it?
What did you do once you found he was going on it? Did you explain why it is not appropriate? There is probably a minimum age so you both might be breaking the rules. I am interested to find out why you don't just forbid it?

Love is blind.
I suppose this is just a flippant comment but of course this isn't love, it's not real and could very well be a scam. Get your son off the internet and help him engage in the real world. You've got to put your foot down and not be permissive.

I wouldn't worry too much. This was me when I was 15 but, back then, it was letters and phone calls. He lived in Texas.

When I was 17, I told my DPs that I was going on holiday with my friend to Spain. I was working full time and had saved enough money to go to a travel agent and book a ticket to the States alone (I'm 52 now for context!). I had an amazing time and, a couple of years after that, he came to the UK to study for a year.

It fizzled out in the end, but I have fond memories.

I would suggest you set times when he can call/facetime and turn off the router if need be. Suggest he gets a Saturday job and start saving so he can go and visit. Be positive and supportive. It's all so intense at that age.

What ever happened to a firm."no"?
You're 15, you're going nowhere.
The WiFi is going off at X o'clock
Go and do your homework

It is real to him. He will have big feelings and so it doesn’t really matter whether she is real or not - at 15 he can’t travel alone without your help which you are not going to provide.

we performed interest but got him to do all the work - ok, well, you find out how much it costs for travel and accommodation, son. Work out the route annd dates and visas and then we can see.

he couldn’t do it, of course he couldn’t. So we pointed out that why they are trying to do is complicated and needs facilitating gy adults which isn’t realistic because adult romance should be private and done without your mum’s help.

it lasted about 18 months. It was very intense but gradually fizzled out.

how much would you be involved if she lived locally? That’s how I got him to see that it might be easier to choose not to do international relationships at 15.

Exactly. Which makes it extra hard! We do all we can to make him see sense gently, not patronise him, and try for him to see the friends he has here.

I need you to listen very carefully.

a lot of us are going through this with our idiot sons who fall for an American girl in horrific circumstances and desperately want to save them. What I know seven years after my situation is that they have a vague idea of bringing the girl to their mum because while obviously mum is SO unfair the girl will be safer with you. They have had enough upbringing to know that parents do matter. Kids should be safe. This is not ok.

what they don’t understand is that he isn’t the saviour.

my situation was taken out of my hands. The girl was murdered by a serial sex offender. It was the most horrific thing I have ever heard of and I’m not surprised my son is still traumatised. I think he will always carry it.

I think one of the things I would do differently is lie. I would tell him he needed to keep up his sports because that’s what teen girls find attractive. Got to be fit. I would frame almost every conversation as to invest in what makes girls fancy you. And that includes school so he can become a high value male. You see I have learnt to internet talk. Talk about… being a banker or a lawyer going there in a suit kicking the door down and suing.. everyone? I don’t care, tell them whatever. Give him a decent YouTube for self esteem and tell him it’s for her. Then do all the things about the internet blocking at night ect that mumsnetters have told you to do. I should have had those limits. Of course you often don’t catch everything at the time because bloody hell you couldn’t imagine your kids would actually do things that are mad.
Just affirm sympathetically that yes it would be wonderful to be able to go to America.
Mine still wants to go to meet people he met online. He is not going to go and meet what look to me like gang members with face tattoos because they just had a baby. If he wants to see a baby they have one next door.

Also, give him a proper talk about not sending dick pictures etc I'd highlight her age and talk about images, sex abuse etc. Make sure that he know that even if they send things between themselves he can't know who else has access to either of their screens accounts etc.
I'd also highlight the fact that as she has a troubled background she may well be more at risk of being taken advantage of and that while she may consent to things it wont be proper consent.

I've not explained that well but hopefully you get my drift.

DS (17) has been chatting online to a 20 year old woman for eighteen months. She lives in the States.

They met via Discord through a love of the same music and video games. She's flying over soon to see him. Staying at an airBnB. I have spoken with her on a video call and also to her mum too. They both seem nice people.

I have explained that this cannot go anywhere as she's too far away. He has his future to think of. Unfortunately he is 17 so I am limited in what I can say or do. We can only advise.

OP you have my sympathies. It's a difficult age and they think they know best.

Telling them not to do it will just make them rebel. I am inviting her to dinner when she arrives later this month, so I can chat to her and see what she's about. I do know she self harms, DS on a waiting list for CAMHs. Apparently they both prop each other up with their mental health 🙁

She found out he chatted to another girl online and went mad. I said look that's not normal. You're not married to her! Quite possessive😬

What I would say though is that DS has friends IRL, he does sport club he enjoys weekly, has interests away from the Internet. Has chores he does within the family home etc. He doesn't spend hours online chatting to this woman, she has a job etc. Usually walking home from his sport class on Saturdays he will video call her. That's about it. They play video games together too. But it's not obsessive because we watch films as a family at weekends.

Keep talking is my main advice. Keep the lines of communication open.

Thanks for this, great idea to use internet speak and YouTube material (I am quite bad at that). Really sorry you had that experience, must have been frightening for all of you.
Doing all the internet restrictions and that's now ok most of the time...it's the asking to go and see her, he's saving up, please can he go, why not why not??? Usually starts at 11pm at night and he won't go to bed, follows me into my bedroom etc.
It's a very strong feeling he has (I know it's not really love), but he already is very aware that he needs more exercise and go to the gym and because of her he is doing that, he is happier. So it's hard to be negative about her...he needs to see it himself it's an impossible relationship.
So does this happen a lot, vulnerable and abused/neglected girls talking to boys across the pond online? It's a thing?

@Pertinentowl High value male? Wtf?!

I didn't understand much of your post as most of it was incomprehensible nonsense but telling op to encourage her son to be a 'high value male' to presumably make him more attractive to this girl is just ridiculously stupid & irresponsible.

Also you only have what your DS was told, that the girl he was talking to was 'murdered' sounds to me like someone said that for her, in order to cut contact with DS

She was murdered. Do you think I didn’t check? He’s in jail awaiting trial. The sheriff was shaking at the press conference at the horror.
second of all, the reason you don’t understand it is because you now haven’t taken the time to understand how they talk on the internet. I have. I use their language to get closer to them.
third of all, if you notice what I told her to push, it’s things that are an investment for him. Sports and school. Now how do you get them to keep those ties? Tell them that’s what girls like. They will do anything for them so let them do things that will benefit him. By the time this peters out he will have friends who he is hanging out with in real life, fitness and hopefully kept up with his schoolwork.