Feel like I'm losing my daughter...I don't know what to do..please help

[Emmiebemmieboo84]

Hi all
I have a daughter who is almost 16.
She has never been any trouble before
In all the top classes and even when she was sick she refused to stay home from school.

And then she changed overnight..
She refused to go to school..
She was home for almost 3 weeks.

Tried to talk to her..
Took her to doctor for mental health check up and plan
Got her appointment with a therapist
The doctor prescribed her antidepresants

She asked me if she could go see a friend for a few hours and I said yes
I was happy she was finally getting out the house

Well she vanished..
Didn't answer her phone..
Missed curfew..
I didn't know where she was or if she was alive or dead until she called at 1am asking for an uber home from the city..
Apparently she went in there with her friend And they laid in the park talking..

I told her off ..that she can't just disappear and be out walking the streets at 1am
That she put herself in danger and I was so worried about her.

She said sorry won't do it again..

She asked a few days later to go to the city with friends..
I talked to her about trust and that she needed to not vanish this time and to let me know where she is and to be home at our agreed time

She did the same thing again
Vanished.
She and her friends went to some boys house 2 hours away
And I got a call that she was on the train at 130am by herself..

She has been staying at my parents house this weekend..
I told my parents that she was grounded and she cannot go out as she can't be trusted to come home
Or to be honest about where she is going.

Well she lied to my parents that I had said she could go out to see friends

So she got on a train and went for 2 hours to that boys house and again
Not a word from her until 11pm when she called about getting picked up from the train station.

I found out about a whole bunch of things she has hidden and lied to my face about.

All she does is lie and lie
Hide things
Guilt trip manipulate
Every word that comes out of her mouth is a lie

I'm sick and tired of her lies
I'm tired of her vanishing until the early hours of the morning and then calling me or my parents for an uber so she can get home

I'm tired of being the bad guy and anytime I call her out on her lies or behaviour
Im this horrible evil woman who is trying to make her unhappy

I know she is allowed freedom
But I am not OK with her lying
With her going to random Boys houses
With disappearing until midnight...1am..2am..
And then expecting everyone to jump to get her home

She is disrespectful
I feel like I don't know who she is anymore
I don't know how to talk to her
Or get her to understand or respect the rules in my house
I'm sick of her constantly lying
I don't trust her anymore

What do I do?

I can't just let her continue to behave like this
But I don't know how to stop it
When anytime I try to speak to her about it
She tries to make herself the victim and me the evil witch trying to ruin her life

Please help...

My first thought is has she started to take drugs? Or has she been groomed as a drug runner / county lines? You need to talk to the police and seek their advice on how to get her out of this situation.

It may just be teenage rebellion kicking in but I would be extremely worried about this.

My first thought is that something traumatic may have happened to her that she hasn't been able to talk about. It's really hard to have much insight without knowing her, but my instinct is that this isn't simple teenage rebellion nonsense, it's something serious that she isn't coping with. I know it's difficult because she's putting herself at risk and terrifying you, but as far as possible I would try to take the heat out of the situation and offer support rather than anger. Would she consider talking to a counsellor?

This must be so stressful for you. When we entered the teenage years and the associated thoroughly unpleasant personality change, I found I had to change my parenting from “tell, direct” to “enquire, understand” mode if that makes any sense. She may be testing the boundaries and remember teenagers want to try new things. When they do this, they know there will be some things you will disapprove of hence the lying. As hard as it is, one of the things you may have to do is lett her know you love her so when she does make a mistake and fall over she knows she can come to you. It may be harder if she feels you are always (understandably) angry with her.

I have set a psychologist up
She has already had two appointments
And she is seeing the counsellor at school too
She is now on anti depressants
And I'm doing all I can to support her and help her
And her school is too
All her teachers have reached out to her to help her catch up with work
But nothing has changed
She disappeared to that boys house last night even though she was told she couldn't go there
And yet again refused to answer her phone until it was almost midnight and she needed a ride home
I feel she needs to know this isn't on
And there has to be some punishment or consequences for repeatedly lying and vanishing
But I don't know what
I tried to ground her and her told me that would make her so depressed
And then she made me out to be this evil witch trying to stop her from having fun

So what do i do?

I can't just let her do this or get away with it

I'm so sick of her lying to me

Has she got a tracker on her phone?
Has she got a bank acc you can check?
Any unexplained money/ new things?
Is she on contraception?

All you say makes me think something has happened to her with the very quick change in who and how she is.

I had a friend like your daughter.
Constantly in trouble, got involved with the wrong people, drugs, failed in school and arrested at 12.
I love her - we have been friends for 60 years and you don’t abandon your friends just because they get into trouble. I used to sit with her parents while they fretted over her.
But she grew up and wised up and got married to a nice man and had a family and had a responsible job in a school.
Don’r give up on your daughter. I think you’re doing just about everything you can do this side of locking her up or sending her to some sort of reform school.
Keep in touch with her school and ask them to keep in touch with you.
And take the advice of these wise women.
Sending love.

Trauma, illicit drug use and/or in love with 'that boy'. Try to keep communication open. Above all don't let her know that you disapprove of the boy. This will throw her into his arms, if she is in love. Teenagers lie, not least when they are troubled. It will pass.

Speak to the police. There was a girl doing this in my year at school and it was drug trafficking and grooming related. When she called for a taxi her mother would call the police and they sent a plain clothes policeman in a ‘taxi’ to pick her up. Over time she trusted the taxi picking her up and the driver would ask her about her evening, school, her family etc.

Its decades later now and I know the police are so very badly funded but they might still have something like this for girls at risk of grooming.

i'm not sure i did it right but my dd put me though hell, it all worked out by the way.
can you act more supportive of this relationship? drive her there (so you know the fellows address) agree to pick her up vs uber.
uber was not around 20yrs ago, and i vowed to drive and pick up no matter the time of day or night. yes it affected my work but i certainly wasn't sleeping anyway.
can you invite him over? even if that means he stays the night or you again having to drive him home at mn/1am?
based on your post my first concern would be trauma regarding sex or drugs (both of which IF she is clever she may NOT want to share with you or a therapist).

I know you are upset and angry and you are going to think 'wtf' when I say this.

Do you listen to her? Actually listen? My mother was the queen of telling me what to do and punishing me.

I was mentally in a really bad place and I needed to be listened to.

Talk about this 'boy' with her, what is his name, does he live with his parents? What are they like? Can you meet his parents.

It might be better that she goes to his house and stays over. She is going to continue to see him, and continue to come back on the late train. She may well be safer staying over.

Consider inviting him to your house.

I know that is the last thing you want to do, but what is best for your DD at this time, notin the future, not last week, but today, now.

Victim of a grooming gang, trafficked? Take her far away, and take her phone. If she can contact them they'll send someone for her.

If she changed overnight then something serious has hsppened.

Maybe she was bullied, maybe sexually assaulted maybe blackmailed to carry drugs.

If something like this has happened then it will take months of counselling etc to help her feel ok and safe again.

Could she be going to see her friend to talk things through?

It's very likely she feels that she can't talk to you as often if something like this happens teens worry their parents will just punish and not support.

She needs your help right now.

If you are worried about where she is talk to her about sharing her location. Tell her that no matter where she is if she doesn't feel safe you will come and get her no problem. Offer to have the friend over and let them chat in a private place.

I'm not sure whether this post means that you acknowledge something has happened or whether you've just put support in place.

Such a quick change overnight is concerning. Were there not any warning signs? Do you think she is being groomed or taking drugs?

How old is this boy she's seeing? I'm she's too old to be grounded, it just doesn't work. Unless you plan on physically stopping her then of course seeing she is going to sneak off and it's also unfair to expect her grandparents to enforce this. They probably feel awful about her tricking them.

Is there a possibility if booking a weekend away together and spending some 1:1 time together?

I went through a similar 'wild' phase and looking back as an adult, I realised that a lot if this was down to my parents literally having no interest in me. I never spent any time with them and as a result i didn't feel I could open up to them about things that had happened to me (I'm not blaming my parents for my actions, but it explained why I felt so alone).

I'm not saying that you have no interest in your daughter but just a reminder that although teenagers push away, they still need that affection from their parents

My dd is almost 16, she’s just finished her GCSEs. If I were confronted with this situation I’d definitely be wanting to get to know who the boy is and supporting her seeing him rather than grounding, presuming if it’s a legitimate and caring relationship. If they want to see each other and have sex, it’s pretty impossible to stop so better to do it under a watchful eye and safely.

As her personality changed almost overnight, I would wonder if something traumatic happened. And as others have said, I wouldn’t rule out county lines or similar. The drug gangs like naive kids, who’ve been protected as they’re easier to manipulate and I would fear the girls involved also being sexually exploited.

It is important to find a way to reconnect with your dd. Do you ever do stuff together even if it’s just driving her to activities? Do her friends come over? I talk to dd’s friends. If there were something wrong with her, I’d be contacting them / their parents to find out if they knew anything. My dd has an eating disorder (anorexia but not yet diagnosed) and I’m in contact with her friends directly to safeguard my dd and them so that they understand what is ok and not ok to do. Their parents know btw.

My eldest is 28 and we went through something similar. Had the police out looking for her. Unknown to me she was taking ketamine and going to raves 😱

I grounded her for 12 months.

The first few weeks were wild but I stuck to my guns and then we spent a lot of time talking. Going for drives and taking, going for walks and talking. we spent a very very long time reconnecting. I think she felt totally disconnected with me and we ( and I recognised my part in this) worked to build that back up again.

She is so vulnerable at this age and needs so much love and support but that love and support can be shown as - ‘you can’t leave the house now because I don’t trust you to make safe decisions and as your mum I love you and need to keep you safe’

She will not be in jail - although she will feel like it at the beginning - she will be at home with her mother who is available to offer support and love.

I’d also consider taking her phone off her incase people are encouraging her to ‘escape’

Help her reset and focus on her school work, dreams and aspirations.

You have to be very very careful she isn’t being sexually exploited. She may have already been.

They absolutely do come back to you OP you’ve just got to set up the route 💐

Is she back at school now?

Can you remember anything happening around the time she changed?

Anything concerning before? Like bullying, or a boy annoying her/giving her too much attention?

Do you know the friend she goes out with? Can you talk to her/him?

What does she say happens at the house she goes to? What do they do there? Is it a boyfriend?

Sounds like pretty normal teenage behaviour to me - perhaps things are different now but my friends and I got up to worse. I don’t mean in any way to blame you because teenage girls are tricky but are you very strict? You mention that she was a high performer at school and never sick but how much emphasis has been put on her academic performance and good behaviour rather than who she is as a person and challenges she may be having, let the ability to have friends and boyfriends and fun? Sorry if I’m projecting but I remember being your daughter!!! (We all turned out ok ish in the end!!)

Honestly, that's what I took from the OP.

At 16 she is pushing the boundaries for freedom, seeing new people and that's actually pretty normal.

I would be complaining about a GP who prescribed a 16 year old anti depressants in this scenario- that's horrendous

Sounds very difficult and I do sympathise. A friend is going through similar her Dd had a traumatic event with a boy which triggered the worst of the behaviour.

Are you connected at all? One of ours is out and about a lot at 15 but we really talk and listen and do fun things they want to do as a family to try to keep the bond.

Some antidepressants can make behaviour worse (doctors don't always know about this).

There is a possibility she is being groomed online. Are these boys the same age as her? Do you have access to her phone to see who is contacting her? Has she got find my phone or something similar?
In terms of attempts to connect what have you done? Have you shared that you’re concerned about her safety etc? Do you ever manage to talk about feelings with her? If not you can always try a communication book where you write to her in that and tell her she can write back how she feels. Do you have one on one time together?
In terms of boundaries there absolutely has to be consequences for her actions, even if she claims it depresses her. She can’t be the one to dictate where and when she goes. Her grandparents also have to become strict if she will be staying there sometimes.

With the sudden switch (as opposed to a gradually decline) I'd be concerned that something significant happened and she's acting out or she is being groomed or manipulated by someone.

As someone who was that teen that changed overnight, I would be worrying that something traumatic has happened to her. There's also the possibility of drug taking I'm afraid too!

Invite the boyfriend round?

I understand that you are feeling angry with her because she has been lying to you. I know it is hard, but you need to put the anger aside, because she is badly in need of love and support. The lying is a reflection of what is going wrong for her at the moment. It is not an attempt to get at you.

Can you put that anger aside and concentrate on getting to the bottom of what is troubling her? - if she sees you as one of the things troubling her then no progress sill be made.

You are doing all the right things: talking with school, GP, counsellor etc. but she really needs to know that these are actions based on your love for her and not your anger and frustration, which are entirely understandable.

I had 3 teenage DDs at one point and they are not a walk in the park. I just made sure I told them I loved them every day.

This phase might just be her asserting her independence or it might be something more serious. I understand how hard it is to distinguish between the two. I would see the fact that she rings you or her grandparents when she needs help with getting home as a good sign - that at heart she knows family is her firm base.