Feel like I'm losing my daughter...I don't know what to do..please help

[Emmiebemmieboo84]

Hi all
I have a daughter who is almost 16.
She has never been any trouble before
In all the top classes and even when she was sick she refused to stay home from school.

And then she changed overnight..
She refused to go to school..
She was home for almost 3 weeks.

Tried to talk to her..
Took her to doctor for mental health check up and plan
Got her appointment with a therapist
The doctor prescribed her antidepresants

She asked me if she could go see a friend for a few hours and I said yes
I was happy she was finally getting out the house

Well she vanished..
Didn't answer her phone..
Missed curfew..
I didn't know where she was or if she was alive or dead until she called at 1am asking for an uber home from the city..
Apparently she went in there with her friend And they laid in the park talking..

I told her off ..that she can't just disappear and be out walking the streets at 1am
That she put herself in danger and I was so worried about her.

She said sorry won't do it again..

She asked a few days later to go to the city with friends..
I talked to her about trust and that she needed to not vanish this time and to let me know where she is and to be home at our agreed time

She did the same thing again
Vanished.
She and her friends went to some boys house 2 hours away
And I got a call that she was on the train at 130am by herself..

She has been staying at my parents house this weekend..
I told my parents that she was grounded and she cannot go out as she can't be trusted to come home
Or to be honest about where she is going.

Well she lied to my parents that I had said she could go out to see friends

So she got on a train and went for 2 hours to that boys house and again
Not a word from her until 11pm when she called about getting picked up from the train station.

I found out about a whole bunch of things she has hidden and lied to my face about.

All she does is lie and lie
Hide things
Guilt trip manipulate
Every word that comes out of her mouth is a lie

I'm sick and tired of her lies
I'm tired of her vanishing until the early hours of the morning and then calling me or my parents for an uber so she can get home

I'm tired of being the bad guy and anytime I call her out on her lies or behaviour
Im this horrible evil woman who is trying to make her unhappy

I know she is allowed freedom
But I am not OK with her lying
With her going to random Boys houses
With disappearing until midnight...1am..2am..
And then expecting everyone to jump to get her home

She is disrespectful
I feel like I don't know who she is anymore
I don't know how to talk to her
Or get her to understand or respect the rules in my house
I'm sick of her constantly lying
I don't trust her anymore

What do I do?

I can't just let her continue to behave like this
But I don't know how to stop it
When anytime I try to speak to her about it
She tries to make herself the victim and me the evil witch trying to ruin her life

Please help...

What is the counselling actually for?

this sounds a nightmare, and I was that teen. I think the best thing you can do is show your daughter you have firm boundaries, while telling her often how much you love her, her strong points in your eyes, showing you understand how difficult it can be to be that age and finding lots of time for the two of you to be together and giving her space to open up to you if she wants to. Maybe you can go away for a few days together?

Are u in the U.K.? Is she doing her GCSE at the moment. ? It is a really hard age but it sounds like she is being very disrespectful to you and your family. Actions must have consequences it is the only way to teach her. She calls and you all go running. She is taking you all for mugs and it cannot go on. The issue you have is you don’t want her out at that time by herself so you all pick her up as soon as she clicks her fingers. It must be incredible hard for you.
you are doing a lot he right things involving outside agencies and school etc. so try not blame yourself.
have you a 24 hour supermarket near you. ? I ask this as my friends son ( my godson was doing a similar thing and would call me or her at all hours. So I decided to collect him at 12:30 am and do my shopping at which he was dragged around the shops with me. Told my friend to do the same. Sounds mad but it worked and he suddenly stopped with the late night calls. You have to have to be consistent and be firm.
I wish you well

It's not even that, GPs should not hand out anti depressants to teenagers for staying out late and lying to their parents. They are not a first line treatment for under 18s with depression, let alone one who is pushing boundaries

I’d be invited this boy over for tea to suss him out.

Parenting doesn’t get any easier, does it? 🌺

I went through this at a similar age with one of mine. She suddenly wanted to be out, not telling me where she was and felt 'imprisoned' if I tried to find out where.

I did get cross initially, but I realised crossness wasn't going to get the desired result. I got very calm instead- and we had a chat, where she explained how she felt (suffocated, like I was stricter than other people's parents) and I explained how I felt (anxious and worried, fed up of staying awake to be commanded to drive).

In the end we were able to agree (as I was still the source of all income and of lifts so had a bargaining tool) that she would text me once when out if she was staying out past 10pm, and let me know when she was travelling back, and I would give lifts sometimes but not always, and she would take Uber/local taxi firm and text me from the taxi.

We did manage to negotiate even though feelings were running very high. I also discussed contraception and safety, again, listening to her and I bought her condoms as well and gave them to her without comment, she was over 16 at that point.

I'd try to calm down, stop panicking she's turned into a different person or anything terrible is happening, lying is completely normal at this age, they don't say 'I'm off to the park to have some cider, mum' but if you keep calm, keep the lines of communication open, then you stand much more chance of them volunteering the info and being able to suggest/modify their behaviour.

If there is anything more serious going on, again, you need to open the lines of communication, otherwise she will avoid you or even run away and you don't want it to get to that stage.

Ultimately, I think grounding/removing the phone all escalate the situation and encourage teens to lie further, I know many of my friends children had second phones/borrow friends phones, had more than one account, used to 'go the long way home from school' and so on.

I think it's a fair bargain to say, in a very calm manner,- I'm the parent here, and you are stressing me out. I am not going to keep giving you lifts, being nice to your friends and giving you money if you are rude or not letting me know where you are. I'll always make sure you have food and a bed, but if you want a nicer life, with me helping you out and picking you up late at night, and treating you, and giving you money then we need to work together without stress, and the minimum I expect is no downright rudeness, and communication about when you are coming home, including any rules about when you need to be in, what do you think?'

You can't scare them straight by this point, you have to lure them back into the family fold by making them see being cooperative and nicer to you is to THEIR benefit!

Such a good post way out. You sound like my lovely wise friend who I’m so glad I listened to when we hit choppy waters with dd2. I reacted totally differently to how I initially would have and the results have been so positive.

@TheaBrandt thanks. I might have shouted first...

I'm sorry this is such a worry for you. But I honestly don't think her behaviour is particularly unusual for her age. Unless you really believe that something terrible has happened to her that she can't discuss, then I think it's a mistake to make her see psychologists or to get her to take antidepressants. I was very rebellious once I got to 13 or 14, and was no doubt very difficult, and my mums answer was to put me on antidepressants. The only thing in my life at that time that was an issue was the typical teenage concerns that my parents wouldn't accept I was growing up, and wanting more freedom. I had a brilliant relationship with both parents once I had left home, but I never forgave them for taking me to the doctor and putting me on medication. Needless to say, I didn't take it, although they thought I did.

Are you reasonable with her curfew times and how often she is allowed out?

At nearly 16 I think you need to tread carefully, because I'm sure you don't want her to leave home once she turns 16.