18 year old DS upset about consent/misogyny talk

[unusualbusiness]

I recently had a talk with my 18DS about consent, boundaries, misogyny. I never really had that sort of talk with my mother and after previous posts realised it's probably important...

He honestly seemed really uncomfortable and defensive I'd even think he needed to be told about it and has been awkward/quiet ever since. I get how it may feel to him that I don't trust him but I needed to know he knew about these things...

Anyone else dealt with this something like this?

Depends what you said and how you approached it. We discuss issues like this but it’s part of an ongoing discussion. By 18 My child would have known all about these issues.

I don’t have a son, I didn’t have open relationship with mj mother for that stuff at that age. It’s an awkward age pending your relationship, do you have any worries?

I made the mistake of never talking about things like this until now.
Because my son has never dated/never shown signs of being the type to do something badly and would know well enough from his friends.. I understand now I should have talked to him about it earlier

I talked mostly about consent, we watched a consent education video about tea (which is bloody brilliant by the way), talked about enthusiastic consent, safe sex, made sure he wasn't looking at any incel sites or Andrew Tate...

Now I feel as if I have insulted his intelligence. I was just worried and trying to make up for what I didn't do.

You’ve not made a mistake at all! How old is your son?

He turned 18 years old this January.

Message him and ask? Just say what you’ve said here about it being more about you than him…

So apologise and explain that. You love him. You trust him. You just worry that you’d never had these conversations and thought you should have had.

I did, he ended up saying it was OK and became distant/didn't continue the conversation... am I just being a worrywart

ok, so he’s just feeling a bit embarrassed ! And probably so are you?
You’re being a super mum!

Give him a big hug, tell him you are sorry you underestimated him and realising he already understood everything you thought you needed to tell him has made you even more proud of him?

How I approach the assorted ongoing conversations with my teen is to acknowledge that I know she thinks they are unnecessary, but it’s my obligation as a parent to talk about sex, substance use, consent, and healthy relationships periodically. I remind her that I do mostly just try to work these things into everyday conversation, but if it feels like we haven’t touched on a topic in some time, then it’s time for an explicit refresher.

basically, acknowledge that you have a good kid who seems to be living a good life, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to have these explicit conversations.

I think you're right and he probably felt you had insulted his intelligence, particularly as you don't suggest he's exhibiting any misogynistic behaviours.

I think conversations such as this should have happened far sooner than 18...it sounds more like you were telling him rather than having an interaction between two adults.

It’s normal for an 18 year old not to particularly want to discuss this with you. Especially if you’ve never talked like this before. (Plus it sounds more like a lecture than a conversation.)
Keep messaging. Light hearted and irrelevant! Just keep the lines of communication open.

Maybe he hadn't considered consent and boundaries as being important and now he feels like he's being confronted. 18 is very late for this talk tbh. I'm kind of glad he hasn't had a girlfriend thus far.

I'm thinking he might feel a bit blindsided by you going over all of this for the first time now, at 18. This should have been an ongoing conversation that has gone on for years, starting when he was much younger. I imagine he's weirded out and possibly thinking that you don't trust his judgement and you have concerns about him being in a relationship.

I don't think that's true, I think he was more insulted I think he didn't know... he's a very lovely boy

I'm going to talk to him more about him tonight, I think he's quite embarrassed/annoyed...

I think you've done the right thing to bring it up. But I guess he feels awkward as it can be a difficult discussion. How's he been this weekend? How about saying something along the lines of I know our talk the other night might have felt uncomfortable for you, but if you ever want to bring it up, or ask me anything, I'm here

I think you’ve left it too late to do the whole “tea consent” video. I’ve had discussions with my son aged 12 about that and general chats about feminism / girls etc etc. It should just be part of your normal day to day chit chat. I think sitting him down at 18 and showing him a specific video and talking to him about it is a bit strange; he probably just feels embarrassed!

I think you probably left it a bit late, and you've offended him. How would you have felt if your mum had explained periods to you at 18?

I had that discussion with 15yo ds last autumn and his response was ' Well, duh! Obviously! What do you think I am?'

He might feel annoyed that you think you know better than him?

Did you ask him questions about his own views, or tell him yours?

He may just really not wish to discuss this, out of pure embarrassment. Discussing news stories is a good way to reinforce messages.

Well as has been stated 18 is late. I've started having these conversations with my sons since late primary, not about sex specifically of course, but there are lots of ways to talk about consent.

You've left it too late and that's why it's awkward, he's an adult albeit a young one, it's the kind of conversation that was needed at 13/14 before he was engaged in sexual and intimate relationships

I agree, DS is five but he went through a phase of grabbing my boobs, we've talked about private areas, the pants rule , even consent in the context of asking people if they'd like a hug rather than just bear hugging his friends when he sees them. It's a conversation to start early and build on in an age appropriate way

Had he not also had those discussions in PHSCE at school? Mine certainly saw the tea video several times in secondary lessons though only recently did it come up in conversation over dinner and it turned out that DH had never heard of it so not sure where he was when me and teens talked about it previously.

I expect you caught him completely unaware and he is dying of embarrassment. If you haven't had these sorts of conversations before it is pretty embarrassing at 18 for your mum to launch into talk about sex, consent etc. He's undoubtedly annoyed too that you don't trust him.