dd previous suicidal thoughts/ attempts struggling how to parent her

[OfMyself]

I can give more details but the gist of it is dd14 is on waiting list to be diagnosed asd. she had a suicide atempt last year, she is a lovely girl and so thoughtful and sometimes her mood is great and she has lovely friends etc. but she struggles with certain things especially when she has a low mood.

main thing is school. she is clever and tries hard but being around everyone and especially some people who dont particularly like her. she struggles getting up in a o,rning and getting ready for school ,hates buses. ive tried to help where i can, wake her up with a cup of tea and make eggs for breakfast so shes set for the day. ive also said ill take her to school rather than her have to get the bus.
i have also got her in therapy but even though she says its good to talk and she loves her therapist im not sure its helping?

an example of how im struggling, she is on a downer the last couple of days and anything i ask is a big deal, can you bring your washing, can you put your clothes away etc. she says things like it makes her sad and she wants a lie down etc. ( she isnt like this all the time, she hangs out with her friends and has fun, is silly and messes about.) i have considered patholgical demand avoidance, but we are on the (long long ) waiting list,

im struggling to know how to but boundaries in place and make sure shes not just wasting away doing nothing. im almost scared to threaten consequences in case it causes a (dangerous) dip in her mental health, but i also feel like the more im making allowances for her, the more difficult it becomes for her to do certain things iem if shes having a very bad day mentally ive let her stay home, but then shes not learning any resilience but especially since last year ive been of the mind that well even if she misses loads of schol etc at least she is alive. but i think maybe im doing more harm than good?

im on my own and i just dont know how to do the best thing for her

sorry i was trying to keep that brief... i didnt do a very good job

ive also got other children and i am finding im being more strict with them in order not to upet her. for example her youngest brother is 7 and is quite loud, excitable when hes playing but she gets stressed by it so i find my own anxieties hightening because i know she will get in a bad / low / stressed mood if he annoys her. #

if it was just low mood i could maybe get over it but she took an overdose last year so it clearly is something that is plausable and i just feel so out of my depth.

i need help

Firstly, you sound like a great parent.

I was very similar to your daughter at that age - puberty and undiagnosed ADHD left me feeling very, very uncomfortable in my own skin and I self harmed and attempted suicide. My mum would ask what was up and it was always 'nothing', with varying degrees of apathy or anger.

It was only in my later 20s that I really started to appreciate what I had put her through. Does she have any hobbies or interests you could look to share with her? I really loved watching rugby with my dad when I was going through it all.

Only advice I can give is to keep communication lines open, don't push her for answers. When it comes to doing jobs, if she's really struggling to bring all of her clothes down - maybe compromise and put a basket by her door and just ask that she puts anything she really needs for the week in it? So she's not being given a free pass, but understand that sometimes a fairly simple task can feel exhausting and overwhelming.

I think keep pushing for whatever therapy/support you can get for her, but also for yourself. Sounds like you really need some support too here. Have you looked into any counselling for you?

I feel for both of you , and can see that you are doing your best for your daughter.

It does seem that you are pressurising her to meet your expectations. The examples of problems you've given, about her not bringing clothes down or putting them away, and concern that she's doing nothing, perhaps you could respect her choices and treat her room as totally private space, she can have it as tidy or as messy as she wants.

Also respect her decision to do something or nothing ... perhaps think about how you'd feel with someone pressurising you to do what they think you should do instead of what you want to do it would make life better for both of you?

an example of how im struggling, she is on a downer the last couple of days and anything i ask is a big deal, can you bring your washing, can you put your clothes away etc. she says things like it makes her sad and she wants a lie down etc. ( she isnt like this all the time, she hangs out with her friends and has fun, is silly and messes about.)

tbh, if you suspect she may have asd, but if she can be normal with her friends and enjoy herself without too much effort, then it sounds like she is struggling with the responsibility?

She may may be able to respond if you put some simple boundaries in place that are non-negotiable?

So to help with the responsibility - maybe you can establish a routine e.g the washing is going to be done on a Monday so she needs to put any washing in her basket on Sunday .... and remind her on Saturday and Sunday about the routine ................?

Reminding any teenager that their bedroom has to be tidy is just 😂😂😂

I really sympathise 💐

@Tumbler2121 It does seem that you are pressurising her to meet your expectations. The examples of problems you've given, about her not bringing clothes down or putting them away, and concern that she's doing nothing, perhaps you could respect her choices and treat her room as totally private space, she can have it as tidy or as messy as she wants
You honestly don't think her clothes need washing? Or that she is old enough to be responsible ?? That is a totally different issue to 'treatong her room as totally private space'

She isn't going to learn resilience while she's suicidal,

It's not the time to be threatening consequences either.

Try to make as few demands as possible. If your conversations with her are all about routines and daily life and hassling her to get on with stuff it'll be very easy for her to think you don't care.

Try to phrase things positively if you can and make time for positive interactions. Now isn't the time to be trying to push for more independence and help around the house.

Absolutely and I don't mind if her room is a mess, but she seems to be worse if it is, it increases her stress she is naturally a very tidy person so although I don't get on as her about it, I try to get her to sort it occasionally.
It's mainly school that's the issue, if I could keep her home forever I would do but it's me that's getting in trouble with school and I don't want to compromise her future (at the same time, I'm just happy she is with us)

Thanks I will definitely try to do that with a routine, I think this will help.
School is the main source of stress at the minute,

@Octavia64 It's not the time to be threatening consequences either.
Try to make as few demands as possible. If your conversations with her are all about routines and daily life and hassling her to get on with stuff it'll be very easy for her to think you don't care.
Try to phrase things positively if you can and make time for positive interactions. Now isn't the time to be trying to push for more independence and help around the house.

It doesn't sound like OP is 'threatening consequences or making demands or 'hassling her to get on with stuff' or asking for 'help around the house'

It's a question of helping a teenager with suspected ASD - where clear direction and reminders can often help

Thank you, any ideas about school? I worry that if I let her stay home it will end up getting more and more until she's barely going

@OfMyself School is the main source of stress at the minute

What seems to be the cause of stress at school?

School can be complicated with ASD children.

You say there are some children that don't like her. Have there been issues with bullying or similar?

What help if any have school offered?

Schools are being given a lot of resources and training about mental health and ebsa (emotionally based school avoidance).

Mainly her elder sister is a drama queen and fell out with loads of people and by default they think she is the same so don't like her. Also Classrooms etc really busy and loud, she has an exit pass where she can go to learning support which she is happy with but there's often people in there that have been sent to isolation so the badly behaved /disruptive children

Is she being seen by CAMHS? What conversations have you had with school?

I would start by trying to work out what the problem areas are at school. Is she being bullied? Does she hate certain lessons? Try reducing the demand at school, eg let her miss certain lessons or eat lunch somewhere quiet.

Very difficult situation.
Very familiar to me. I can tell you the conclusion I came to but it has not been without blood sweat tears and the whole situation nearly destroying my own mental health. I decided to home educate.
It isn’t a magic wand, but honestly it just came to the point where I had to prioritise mental wellbeing. You’re struggling in an overwhelmed system and nobody can give you answers. Camhs will be of little help, your gp can only refer, asd assessments take ages and at the end of the day even if you get one confirming a diagnosis the adjustments underfunded schools can make in this post pandemic mental health shitstorm are so limited, they will barely touch the sides. But if you’re working etc it’s complicated, and can be impossible. Then you have to balance the problem of a depressed teen being alone all day and becoming increasingly isolated and unmotivated.
Home education options like online school
can be damn expensive if she’s set on doing gcses. It’s an absolute minefield so I just send solidarity to you.

I'm sorry, this is really hard and it sounds like you are doing a great job. One of my kids is similair, she has episodes of autistic burnout where it is just all too much and she tips over into depression. This looks like quite a useful link and has some suggestions Autistic fatigue and burnout: Coping strategies | Autism Space | Leicestershire Partnership NHS Trust (leicspart.nhs.uk)

I reduce all demands on her when she is like this as it is all she can manage to get through the school day.

In terms of school, does she have somewhere quiet she can go to, or a trusted adult who knows what is going on for her? Are they supportive in general?

Hug to you, I know how hard and worrying this is

Not bullying no, just some dirty looks etc

Sorry x post, you said she can go to learning support, I missed that. I wish I had something more helpful to offer.

And in the meantime it’s important to keep open communication with school, name it as emotionally based school avoidance when you report an absence so school can offer any support mechanisms they have in place and give the correct absence code rather than marking her as truant or whatever. Speak with the attendance officer .

No bullying she struggles with the noise and yes certain lessons. But I don't think they would let her miss certain lessons?

Also the getting up and ready in a morning

Why does she struggle with getting ready?
mine struggled because she had set routines that were absolutely rigid, limiting and obsessive. It’s because in her head, if she looks perfect it’s a kind of armour of conformity against any possible reason other students could have to take the piss/ comment, which is something she finds particularly challenging . I get it , schools can be tough and this was the ultimate masking strategy. For my nt kids, if they had tights with a ladder or a spot that someone commented on it would be a shrug and a giggle. With the asd child it was the day ruined and no chance of going to school, just zero chance .

Ok, so

If she struggles with noise then you could look at noise cancelling headphones, either over ear or the loop style ones.

If you speak to the school, some adjustments my school has offered to students:

Leaving lessons 5 mins early to avoid the noise of changeover

Skipping specific lessons (arranged in advance) that are causing anxiety and working in learning suppprt instead (this is very common)

Changing groups may be possible for f there are issues with other students

Thank you. Yes I don't have the extra income to facilitate online courses really, it's a struggle paying for her therapy

With school it's mainly if people are a bit disruptive in class (she doesn't have a high tolerance)

It sounds very difficult and you are obviously doing your best. The problem with looking for things to reduce issues with school attendance is that sometimes the net is cast too wide over everything that the student dislikes. E.g. the student might find maths boring so they will say they need to miss maths. This might be allowed and seem like a positive thing for a while, but it can snowball so the student starts to miss other lessons they don't like much. You can pretty quickly end up with a student who has missed most of the more academic lessons. They often end up spending most of their time in learning support or the pastoral room. They spend too much time with kids who are also out of lessons for a variety of reasons, sometimes mental health related, often behaviour related or both.

If you think she is too unwell for school then it might be better for her to be off school and learning in a different way - e.g home tuition. You can then work towards her going back when she is recovered. Another option would be a reduced timetable where core subjects are prioritised or where she comes home in the afternoons to rest and recharge for the next day or goes in a bit later. I recognise that it is very hard to balance concern that she may do something harmful with encouraging healthy choices and a normal routine. Have you spoken to the therapist about what she thinks is the right way to go?