Son overreacting to sisters bf

[Mummacake]

So the teens are aged 18(m) & 16(f) Daughter has her first bf who is a lovely lady. Very polite & well mannered.

My daughter was chatting to him on facetime about maths revision this afternoon when her brother burst in to her room and was unbelievably rude to this lad, calling him all sorts and cut off their call. He then proceeded to come downstairs and question me about whether I'd met this lad etc. it was awful.
Really controlling & abusive behaviour, particularly towards his sister. This is very worrying & not something I tolerate due to their dad, long out of the picture) being a complete controlling narcissist.
Daughter has called the lad and he says it's fine; it clearly isn't & my son has stormed out. I'm gutted as I brought them up to be better than that.
I'm not sure how best to handle this tbh. He's becoming increasingly difficult over a number of things recently so some words of wisdom are welcome from any of those who've been there.

Does he know the lad already?? Maybe he is has a bad reputation and your son is concerned from that point of view??

just an idea

He's 18. Tell him if he ever does something like that again then he needs to live elsewhere. Nobody should have to live with an angry and domineering person.

Even if he thinks the bf is a drug dealer he needs to use he words and explain but ultimately you and DD can choose who you spend time with. It's not up to him.

EDIT - does he often burst into his sister's room? If yes, what happens if she is undressed/getting changed?

I get an 18 year old lad not liking his younger sister having a boyfriend. However, he should keep his opinions to himself or just between you and him, and being rude to him over a call is not on at all!

If he has evidence of some wrongdoing on behalf of the bf he should be bringing to you calmly!

If he is just trying to show his ownership over his sister you need to shut this down hard and make him very clear that his sister is not his property, how the work works anymore.

I get an 18 year old lad not liking his younger sister having a boyfriend

What? You get that? How do you find that understandable?

That's absolutely not ok. Did he give reasons for acting like he did? Like the boy has a bad rep etc? Even then there is no excuse for how he acted, he should come to you as the parent. I would be quite firm with him that that's rude, aggressive and honestly weird behaviour and towards his sister having a relationship and if he wants to continue to act like that then he can leave

DS took the piss of DDs BF once. Once. I made him apologise and now they are very good friends. It's imbecilic territorial posturing imo - like a dog pissing on the rug. And I told him exactly what I thought.

When you say there are other things going on with him, are they in this vein too? Is he abusive/controlling towards you?

And also is it possible that he knows this boy from school and knows that he's not all he seems to be?

I’d assume he already knows the boy or else it’s very weird behaviour.

Thanks for the replies so far & to answer some questions
The bf is a very sweet, decent and 'young' 16, not unlike my son at that age. He isn't known to my son either; different schools, friendship groups etc. He gave no reason for exploding at them other than ranting like a lunatic tbh - it's disgusting, how are you allowing this etc.- I mean, what?!
It has been made clear to him that it's none of his business and he needs to focus on his own life, not interefere with anyone else's - I feel so sorry for this lad, it was unacceptable. There was absolutely no reason for this outburst. I am also deeoly embarrassed that my son thought this behaviour was ok 😢
He doesn't burst in to her room usually but is very immature and bangs on the bathroom door constantly telling her to hurry up.
If it makes any difference, he hasn't had a gf that I have met so far, mostly a confidence thing with him. His behaviour in recent months has been billigerent & slightly aggressive, coupled with a lot of time in the gym - he doesn't take steroids or anything like that. Doesn't vape, smoke, drink or take drugs. He seems to have isolated himself from wider friendship groups & doesn't really spend time with them outside school & sports. He's also become challenging in his sport & has walked off the pitch at key games in the last month or so. A real F you to anything he's not happy with.
As some of you have pointed out, it's unacceptable behaviour and he's been told this a number of times. I am not a parent that would allow this to take hold in my house but he has become quite disrespectful generally so I will need to crack down.
As for throwing him out, I risk him going to live at his parental g'parents who are incredibly controlling & misogynistic. Sadly they would welcome him because they would see it as a victory - sad people.
He's usually a nice young man but this outburst & recent sly digs towards me coupled with this controlling behaviour is wholly unacceptable.
He's used to strong women in the family and trying this crap with his sister will not wash. She's pretty feisty but this has really upset her & understandably so.
I will attempt to speak with him again when he comes home. Communication isn't his strong point and he will storm off to his room.
Thanks again, I appreciate your responses.

Is that a reason enough to behave like a controlling moron?

He’s jealous.

Have you asked him why he reacted in this way?

He sounds jealous that a kid sister is starting an 'adult' part of life ahead of him, and like many males, instead of dealing with a difficult feeling, is throwing rage at those who have evoked it. It's unacceptable (as is 'bursting' into her room) and needs stamped on.

This is exactly what I will be expecting of him as a minimum.
Imbecilic territorial posturing is exactly what it is.
I wasn't aware of it happening at the time. I really don't like this side of him at all & will not tolerate it.

Does he spend much time with his parental grandparents? If so, it’s likely their attitudes are rubbing off on him.

You need to tell your misogynistic, controlling, bullying son that his behaviour is out of order and that he will be out on his ear if he ever does the like of that again. He is to apologise to both his sister and her boyfriend. Nip this in the bud now or else you'll have Andrew Tate on your hands.

I once had a boyfriend when I was about 18 or so, and I can remember him saying to me that if anyone tried anything on with his sister he'd 'fucking kill him'. Ironic really, as it was what he was trying to do with me. It was all right if he did it, apparently, but not if someone else wanted to shag his sister.

The double standards didn't sit right with me at all, and we split up soon after.

@ThankGodForDancingFruit not that I'm aware of. The g', parents haven't spent time with the kids since they were quite young as they weren't interested in them, especially after I divorced their son. He has started spending time with his older half brother in the gym recently and I suspect that id where much if this behaviour comes from. He's always looked up to him as they are only 4yrs apart & I facilitated all of them spending time together. Unfortunately the older boy has the same attitude of the parental family & I haven't seen him in 5 years.

If he is starting to isolate himself, that is a MH red flag.

If he wont open up to you, I would suggest you find someone he will open up to. Is there a coach or teacher he might be willing to talk to? Otherwise potentially some counseling.

It sounds like something unhealthy has its hooks into him and its showing up through his unacceptable behaviour.

In the meantime, maybe a roundtable discussion with both dc and yourself on what the ground rules are for the household. What respectful behaviour looks like to all three of you and a division of household jobs, and max time in the bathroom etc. Steer everyone to having equal time to talk and all points to be listened to before a joint list can be drawn up (def write it down so there is no debate later)

This is exactly what I'm concerned about & his dad was similar - don't ask how I got involved with that shit show! It's never been an issue before, but then his sister hasn't had a bf before.
Again, it's behaviour that I will not accept from my child no matter who it's aimed at.
@Cosmosforbreakfast my son needs to be clear that that is exactly what could happen if he continues like this.
I'm shocked and heartbroken. I just hope that he reflects on his behaviour and apologises to both of them.

This is my big worry. He won't talk & will refuse to have counselling.
He's prone to throwing his toys out of the pram and was a difficult toddler. To date, the teen years have been pretty good mostly but this has come out of nowhere.
He is out with a friend tomorrow evening so I'm hoping that a different perspective on how people behave will help.
As much as it pains me, I think his half brother is the problem & that his dad may be involved 😞.
He struggles to communicate on even the simillist things, he just can't express himself. I've tried to get this addressed in the past and he refused point blank to talk to anyone.
Something clearly has to give as I will not allow it to continue in my home.
He's also started to refuse to do anything in the house. It's relentless arguing about who's turn it is to do anything. He won't cook, clean or tidy up. I refuse to tidy his room & he can change his own bed. It's very much one way traffic lately and this is the last straw.

Because some lads would not like the thought of their ‘little’ sister having a boyfriend and the potential stuff that goes along with her having one. I did say that his behaviour wasn’t on at all.

He's not quite18 yet. He has a p/t job so on the surface looks responsible but recent behaviour at school is also not great - falling asleep in class etc. he's not on his phone all night either. Just being a grade A asshat.

Exactly this!