Son overreacting to sisters bf

[Mummacake]

So the teens are aged 18(m) & 16(f) Daughter has her first bf who is a lovely lady. Very polite & well mannered.

My daughter was chatting to him on facetime about maths revision this afternoon when her brother burst in to her room and was unbelievably rude to this lad, calling him all sorts and cut off their call. He then proceeded to come downstairs and question me about whether I'd met this lad etc. it was awful.
Really controlling & abusive behaviour, particularly towards his sister. This is very worrying & not something I tolerate due to their dad, long out of the picture) being a complete controlling narcissist.
Daughter has called the lad and he says it's fine; it clearly isn't & my son has stormed out. I'm gutted as I brought them up to be better than that.
I'm not sure how best to handle this tbh. He's becoming increasingly difficult over a number of things recently so some words of wisdom are welcome from any of those who've been there.

Could happen, nah, WILL HAPPEN! Don't pussy foot around him at all. Don't bother with the wishy washy hoping, insist, then if he doesn't apologise, out he goes. He has to learn his actions have consequences. It's the very least you owe your daughter. Don't give her even the slightest idea that he'll have any kind of a second opportunity for this behaviour, otherwise she'll think it's acceptable for men to treat women like this.

But they'd be fine with their little brother?

It's not on them to 'like the thought' of others dating.

Clearly a very robust discussion when he comes home with the aforementioned punishment if necessary. I don't want to push him to embed misogyny by living with ppl I despise but the last thing I want in my home is that kind of behaviour.
I can't see him apologising tbh. He may need to reflect on it & she'll get something half hearted. He's going to have to learn the hard way. Thanks

You sit him down and talk to him calmly. You tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and his sister has a right to her privacy.

Then you tell him that if he has any concerns, he needs to come to you and you will deal with it.

Then you ask him what happened.

There's obvious serious issues at play here , with him and his behaviour, but have you even considered he might've overheard the boy saying inappropriate things to your daughter, having phone sex or encouraging her to take her clothes off in front of the camera? It still wouldn't excuse his behaviour, but you assumed the worst of your son, while thinking this other boy is all sunshine and light.

Does he see himself as man of the house if so you need to kick that into touch.
Is he perhaps judging this boy by his own standards.
Even if she was having sex as long it's in consensual context it's got the sum of fuck all to do with her brother.

Also, while he is his father's son, he is not his father.

You mention several (sudden)concerning changes in his behaviour, but despite him being a pretty ok teen (your words), you're dismissing them all as him being a grade A arsehole.

Would you react the same if it was suddenly your daughter that lost contact with friends, withdrew, fucked up her sports competitions and fell asleep in class?

His behaviour in recent months has been billigerent & slightly aggressive, coupled with a lot of time in the gym -

Something is happening there. If it's not steroids then it's another drug. Testosterone? Or is he being influenced by other males he admires at gym and going on incel type sites? Either way... despite him being a young 18, he needs you to give very clear boundaries that he cannot cross. If he does then you are going to have to tell him to leave, or you and DD will live in fear. Let him know this will happen unless he stops being so aggressive, the shock of you meaning that might make him think twice.

@Mummacake

I would encourage him to apologise to his sister and say one day he could have a girlfriend in his life how would he like it if anyone mistreated her life that
How would he feel about it ect in that ,

It sounds as if cause he is the only male in the house 🏠 he feels like he has to take on that pseudo role of over protective controlling father type of figure ,
like his dad might have Been in this kind of situation,

I would really look into encouraging your son participate in varied selection choice of plenty enough outside activities interests hobbies that will have the effect of boosting his self cofindence and him therefore being less socially arkward more likely make ew friends too,

Cause he has hardly or no social life doesn't and does not do much or hardly at all participating in hobbies interests,

He clearly is over emotionally invested in his sisters love life far too much,

as hardly anything goes on his life or is that good going for him in his life,
No wonder he compensates for this by poking his nose in places where its not his place to do so...

@Mummacake
Oops sorry typo mistake word Life * i ment to say,
Just to clarify...

@Mummacake
other typo mistake word new as in new friendships ect...

My first thought was that he is going on Incel sites.

Is this possible?

@Mummacake

Is your son on the autustic spectrum or something 🤔 then?

as i think this could be explored looked into for beneficial support for him going forwards with that possibility in mind ?

Could you find out if this is a possibility then?

Absolutely no untoward behaviour at all from the bf. They were doing maths revision for exams tomorrow.
There is definitely something going on with my son. It could be stress, he doesn't cope very well but this outburst today was a shocker. I don't generally dismiss it as him being an asshole - I'm just frustrated with him.
He certainly wasn't going on incel sites previously and it is something we've discussed. He has both male & female friends & plays a lot of sport usually, but his attitude hasn't been the best recently so he's not socialising as much as he used to. He has every opportunity to try new things or different things but isn't interested which is nothing new.
He seems to get on with others in the gym which has become a very frequent thing in recent months & I do wonder who he is speaking to there & what they're talking about. He can get drawn in to things as he's quite immature in many respects which is always a cause for concern.
@cerisepanther73 there could be something in him seeing himself as 'the man of the house '. This is also something that needs to be calmly discussed along with having to give respect to others before expecting it from others.
He doesn't like me seeing my partner either - we both have kids so see eachother when time allows.
I've been a single mom for 14yrs and mostly single barring one long term relationship. There's beginning to be a bit of a pattern here isn't there........?

Your son thinks he's in charge of the house.

And you.

Incel behaviour

I’d be very concerned that he’s been reading Andrew Tate, etc. This possessive behaviour over his sister’s ‘purity’ coupled with his seeming lack of a social/romantic life is worrying - it’s got the stamp of those kind of misogynist online grifters written all over it.

Edit: just saw he’s started going to the gym a lot recently and is refusing to do household chores (‘women’s jobs’ in his mind, perhaps?). I’d be very concerned as this is essentially a form of radicalisation that targets emotionally immature, inexperienced and socially isolated young men exactly like your son.

Has he expressed an increase concern with his appearance or height recently? Or used any incel-adjacent language?)

Like other posters have mentioned, this sounds like the early warning signs of ‘incel behaviour’. It’s very easy for young men to get drawn into this ideology, and it often starts from watching gaming videos on youtube and other things that seem innocent enough. The recent social withdrawl, interest in the gym, and controlling his sister all sound very much like the sort of thing that Andrew Tate types push. If he’s falling asleep in lessons, is he possibly watching or reading these things late at night?

Edit: I just saw you saying that he has been raised around strong women - this unfortunately does not exclude men from becoming misogynistic, for example the American footballer Harrison Butker (recently went on a highly misogynistic, right-wing ‘tradwife’ rant). His mum is highly successful medical physicist!

Do you have a close male friend or relative that can join you for the conversation? One that your son respects or likes? You talk and show you're the one being the parent but the male presence will reinforce to your son that you are respected by other men and he will look at the situation very differently. The other man can reinforce that what you're saying and doing is to be listened to and respected. I'm sure you've done a great job of raising your children alone and I'm in no way undermining your authority as a single mother so please don't think that but in my experience if sons see other men agreeing with and supporting their mothers that usually makes a big impact on them. If this helps, perhaps that friend/ relative can spend some time with him as it seems he needs an outlet somewhere.

Well he's 18 so if he continues with this behaviour you can show him the door. In the meantime get your daughter a lock for her bedroom

Steroids
Influenced by older brother.
Possibly Gay.

The fact he thinks he can dictate to you and his sister about your relationships..misogyny

You are absolutely right. This is something I've been thinking about this afternoon and will definitely be doing this. I should have added earlier that he has good male role models in the family too. We are very close knit so he sees everyone fairly regularly.
His behaviour very much mirrors his dad who I suspect he is now seeing ( he wasn't allowed to see them unsupervised til 16 so didn't bother).
For some of the other comments, lots for me to think about. I 100% agree that any incel type behaviour needs to be stopped immediately. I will speak to him calmly and try to get to the bottom of his behaviour whilst making it clear that there is no place for it here. Thank you all.

These are some of the things which are deeply concerning for me & a recent development. It needs to stop now.

@Mummacake

That's quite interesting 🤔 what you said whilst i was texting my post too you
i had a feeling your son had asorbed like a sponge his father 's attitudes Ways too certain extant, and not just with his sister either,
wish i had said that too you in my post,

I get a sense your son is quite bright he gets easily frustered at times and impulsive with himself and others too his detriment,
he can be his own worst enemy self sabotaging at most inappropriate of times,

He can be a walking contrary paradox mix of his age and personality etc,

I wonder whether Martial Arts displines would be beneficial for him cofindence wise 🤔 too,

Is he into fishing or would he be into that ?
was it something he used to do with dad by any chance then?

He is quite senistive that's why he loses it too,
however he disguises tries to hide it under what he thinks his idea and society's idea of what maleness is susposed to be about",

Where did you get gay from?!

Again, I said his behaviour wasn’t on. I didn’t say I think it is right that some older brothers don’t like their younger sisters having boyfriends. I said that I get that some lads will not like it, I didn’t say I agree with it.