Tattoo and Teen that is not mine

[outofoffice2024]

Urgh.... so my DP has a DD is 14..... I notice a tattoo on her hand (very obvious place to put it) and my DP asked about it she says 'I draw it on every day with a sharpie' DP BELIEVES her, seriously.

So 30 mins later I ask her to help me in the kitchen, rub my thumb over her tattoo and say - 'hmmm, well thats not coming off is it' she then quite happily tells me her and her friends bought a kit of the internet and did tattoos on each other in a field.....

Once she goes home, I tell my DP, who calls his ExW..... This is all ok. Then ExW tells oldest DD (18y) that I told them about the tattoo she then blabs to the youngest DD who now doesn't remotely trust me or want to talk to me. The agreement was to keep me from being the 'snitch' because youngest DD and I get on really well and she confides and trusts me - or she did.

I want his DD to be able to come to me and be honest with me. I am pretty street smart, I know the sorts of things she gets up to and I know her parents who are lovely are very naive to think their DD is perfect. But she now does not trust me....

You did nothing wrong.
Let the teen stew. She will probably come back to you.

Well, obviously she doesn’t trust you 🤣 I’m not saying you did the wrong thing, but this was obviously going to be the outcome.

She’ll get over it.

Well she doesn't trust you because you told. Can't argue with that! You can't go blaming anyone else for this.

Exactly this!

I am not really trying to blame anyone (Def not an 18 yo who has a strong bond to her sister!)I am just caught up in a situation that I have no idea how to solve.

Just a little sad about it thats all!

also would like to add this is the first time in the 5 years with DP I have ever (knowingly) been the person she is annoyed at! As I have no children of my own this is a bit of a shock and I know as they are teenagers its to be expected.

She wont come round if I am in the house....

Can you talk to the 18m year old, say that you have been the adult in the situation and that if they want to be thought of an an adult at 18, they need to understand that adults don't keep secrets for kids and that parents need to know. That child is at risk of septicaemia which can lead to death. Tattooing is not a joke or something to do in a field, untrained and with unsterilised equipment. Anyone who thinks that 'snitching' is the important part of this is too immature to take seriously.

I think it was sensible to let Mum know as if she did it in a field with an online kit it could get infected. Try to go down that line with her and suggest proper hygienic tattoo parlours if she ever wants more. She will come round and her parents would eventually have discovered it if on her hand.

exW is an idiot. Who tells a young person where they got their info from. Now a line of open communication has been closed.

Dumb parenting 101

@upthespoutagain the word snitch was just because my brain couldn't locate the correct word lol no one has actually called me that other than me. I just feel a bit exposed!

But yes I will def speak with the eldest and explain why and where. I was just a bit shocked it kind of all unravelled around me!

this was my initial worry and fear!

firstly I wanted to find out what tattoo shop allowed an obvious underage in for a tattoo, then when she dropped the bombshell of doing it themselves.... I was even more concerned!

I don't know why you'd do that, it feels like it was more important to you to be right. I mean, a hand tattoo is not ideal, but it would have transpired sooner or later regardless of you rubbing it in the kitchen then going on to tell!

I didn't mean you were immature, sorry. You have acted in the child's best interests. Sadly, that might take years for your partner's kids to realise. You did the right thing. At least the Mum is aware if anything does go wrong.

@RedFence I wasnt trying to be 'right' I was trying to protect a child who got an illegal tattoo that could get infected.

Of course she doesn't trust you.

Why did your DP tell his ex?

To be honest she was always going to know it came from you as she told you and then it came out. But also I’m close with my DSD but she also knows I won’t keep secrets and if your DSD would tell you things then she should know that too.
But it’ll blow over, did you say you wouldn’t say anything when she told you?

It's upsetting to suddenly lose your status as the 'cool' stepmum figure and become the enemy - I would feel exactly the same in this situation! But once she gets over this it will probably make your relationship stronger in the long run, as she'll eventually understand that you were looking out for her

The best form of defence is offence. ‘Look, I’m married to your father, he’d have found out eventually and would have discovered I’d lied to him by omission. Your mother would have found out also, can you imagine how angry at me she’d have been? You shouldn’t have put me in such a difficult position, if you recon you’re old enough to brand yourself, you’re old enough to face the consequences. ‘

Well you can't hide a hand tattoo forever, I'm surprised that her father is so naive! It is a pretty stupid thing to do, especially the do-it-yourself version. It'll blow over. A friend is seeing a man whose stepdaughter has obnoxious tattoos on her palms. Statements like notice me etc. Hopefully your dd ones aren't so loud and they can be removed eventually when she matures.

Notthe point but does it look good at least?

Don't be so silly. It's more important DSD's parents know she's put herself at risk of blood borne infections getting tattooed in a field. That way they could watch out for any symptoms.

I mean, I'm sure she'll be fine, eventually come round and it'll be a funny story in time but no sensible adult would have sat on that information.

Parents should have exercised a bit more discretion but OP just needs to hang in there. Maybe have a chat when the time is right with the girls individually to talk it through

I don’t know why you had to tell them, they’d have found out sooner or later anyway, now you’ve broken her trust. All you had to do was tell the kid to keep a bloody close eye on it in case it gets infected.

I would talk to his DD and explain that you felt her DF had a right to know she wasn't being honest with him, and that you were concerned that her and her friends could have problems with a home tattoo bought from the internet.
That as an adult you felt you had a duty of care to her, because you do care about her.

Even people who are sworn to secrecy as part of their job will break confidentiality when necessary for the safety of a child. If she had told a school counselor for example they would have likely done the same thing.
You don’t mess around with bloodborne pathogens and sharing an unsterilized tattoo needle among teenage friends unfortunately has the potential to be very dangerous. It’s not quite a big a risk as it used to be when HIV and hep C had no effective treatments but you still really want to avoid them.

just to be really clear - I am not asking 'Did I do the right thing' I know I did she is a child who put herself in a potentially harmful place.

I am also not asking 'why doesnt she trust me' I know why, I broke her trust.

I am actually sharing a story to see if others can help with ideas on how to work round this. We had such a good relationship, lots of fun, girly chats, hair clothes bands etc. This is all lost now. I am not a parent myself and I really love and care for the girls and I never meant to hurt them even though I know I did the right thing.

thank you for all your helpful suggestions and insights. I am in unchartered waters!