Depressed teen

[Justmeonlyme]

I'm sure this has been posted many times, but how as a mum do you live your life while your teenager is so deeply unhappy 😞 he is currently on antidepressants (3 months almost) and has regular appointments with CAMHS, he is definitely better than he was a year ago but I feel like I live my life holding my breath! Everytime his name pops up on my phone my heart rate spikes in case he is ringing to vent about how much he hates his life (I'm glad he does vent but it's not easy being his person) every blip in his day to day activities I am waiting on it tipping him over the edge etc I hide all this from him so all he sees is a fully supportive mum that can handle anything he brings her way, but behind the scenes I am worried sick about him, I feel guilty if I have a good day and he is suffering, I can't even imagine doing anything fun as I feel like I am ignoring his issues, I basically go to work and sit in the house with my phone in hand so I can talk him down or help him through whatever he may need help with, again he isn't aware of any of this, but I feel like I am stuck!! Sorry for such a long post, no one in real life seems to understand what I am experiencing

I had phone counselling, as I nearly lost myself to DD's anxiety and depression in covid and beyond.
These days I go to a choir which dies me a power of good.

You’re only as happy as your most miserable child… it’s the toughest part of parenting for me. Nothing comes close.

all you can do is live through it, giving love, support, advice when asked, and absolute reassurance that you know they will be ok and can cope with whatever life throws at them.
your confidence in them will have more impact than you know.

it sounds like you’re doing your best to find the balance between supporting them and taking on board all their hurt. To keep a distance, even if only mentally, will give you more energy to keep going.

continue to try and find enjoyment and joy in the small things in your life, together or separately - things will improve as he matures and grows in confidence.
I used to get the same texts for a couple of years - I’ll never forget the dread of opening them. My ds is now 20 and a different young man, not because he doesn’t still have a tendency towards introspection and slight depression, but because he has coping mechanisms and a bigger life to put these normal emotional dips into perspective.

he, and so you, will get there.

Thank you!! I really hope so, we had a good couple of weeks, he seemed so "free" I thought the medication was going to be like a miraculous fix, but I knew this day would arrive again, but it doesn't make it any easier. I worry myself sick at how much can he take?? How long can he continue to feel like this, will he do something in a moment of depression?? It's just so bloody difficult to watch your child suffer like this. Thank you for the replies, it's good to have somewhere like this to get it out of the system

You know the safety announcement before the plane takes off? You're instructed to put your life jacket/oxygen mask on before you help your child?

Apply that to your everyday life so you can be strong for your lad. Keep fit, eat well, meditate, enjoy a cup of coffee, go out to the countryside, listen to the radio, lose yourself in a book ...

Not only are you nurturing yourself but you're modelling good behaviour for your son. He might even join you at the gym, on a walk, at Starbucks or watching Schitts Creek.

All the best.

Somehow I’ve managed to hold onto hope, even if at times it felt like a very conscious decision and hard work. But then again despair does no one any good and I realised that you might as well be a bit optimistic because it might be ok and it might get better. It’s also a good role model if you can do it, but also maybe it’s temperament or habit to think ‘well, at least…’ but there have been dark days and I was very scared.

I also pay for a therapist for DC as yes it is so hard being the one to help them carry their burdens when you care so much. Also I think you adapt, get used to some of it (sadly) . Gradually I’ve found I’m not alone, again sadly, some of my most lovely friends have been through the mill with their kids so I no longer feel like it’s all my fault and no longer think I must have been the worst mother in the world. I got as much help as I could young for DC as I read the best outcomes were when there was early intervention, and tried a few therapists until we found one they found helpful. Sometimes my work is a break from thinking about it, and I’d rather earn money for someone else with more experience to help DC. I also have a hobby I enjoy.

The long view helps, the general trend is sort of upwards, they’re still here , they have friends and a job and the serious underachievement academically is perhaps more of a problem to me than them.

Dd had 2 suicide attempts at 16/17 last year.. Horrific. Small wins seems to help. A take away and a short burst of family time to get her out of her bedroom. Booked a caravan week end - something to look forward to - just 3 nights.. Bbq with family choosing her faves as she has lost weight.. Roller coaster and the ghost train mixed together.. Bloody awful. You have my best wishes op.

It took a long time on Dzd with meds and therapy before I 'trusted' that she would come out of down periods.

I agree with @BeaFuddled you need to look after yourself too. I grew up with a depressed parent and someone else's depression can swallow you up. I am sure as his Mum you want to fix all of this and take away all of his pain, and it must be heartbreaking to watch. I'm not quite sure how to put this into words but my experience was I almost become the support blanket and then when I tried to move on with my life everything fell apart again, and again. Your ds needs to find his own way through this and you of course should be there to support him but don't over support. You need to model stable healthy behaviour. So rather than sitting in the house waiting for his call, go and live your life. When he calls be sympathetic but he needs some better strategies than just offloading it all on to you....it won't make him feel better in the long run. It sounds like he's got into a really unhealthy cycle of constantly offloading to you. He needs ways to manage the feelings when they overwhelm him. Yes its bad but it will pass, could he go for a walk, do something mindful etc etc to deal with his feelings.

How old is your son op?

@thenightgarden he is 17

I understand!! My now 18 year old, also now on AD, was in a terrible way for 3 years with his mental health and I was so badly affected I got a counsellor (who was not at all helpful - talking to friends was much better!)

I dreaded his what's apps - particularly when at work - and walked on egg shells. I found the book parenting mental health very useful. Also talking to friends. And walking. Lots and lots of walking.

I ended up seeing his CBT therapist for a session when he refused to go! She was very helpful. She said imagine enclosing yourself in a coloured bubble when you see him coming to protect yourself. Not always being available with messages (so hard, I know. But on the occasions I couldn't answer him he always found another way eg phoning a mental health line).

I completely get it though. The heart lurching sinking feeling. PM if you like x

OP
The parenting mental health Facebook community is extremely helpful.
It is founded by the author Suzanne Anderson who wrote "Never Let Go"
I highly recommend the book and the community.
(Parent of depressed neurodivergent teen who totally gets sitting with phone in hand ready to talk them down)
Big hugs
Xx

Thanks everyone, it helps to know I'm not on my own with this!! When I posted this he was having such a bad day but we are out the other side. I know I need to stop living in fear (or with this be the episode he can't pull himself back from) thank you for all your advice and kind words, it really means a lot!!!

Just to say I completely understand what u are saying due to our experience with DD 16, recently started on AD’s
its been a very hard few years x

Can I join? I posted this on wiwikau the other day:

Hello hoping someone can help. Ds is 17 and very able academically. He’s really struggling with emotions and workload though. He spends so long worrying about everything that needs doing that he doesn’t end up getting anything done. He then gets really cross with himself for wasting time.
I’ve tried helping and suggesting ideas for time management but he doesn’t want to listen.
I think he’s generally feeling so overwhelmed that he can’t see the wood for the trees.
Has anyone been in this situation and come out the other end unscathed?!

Today seems even worse. He's just slumped into some form of depression and nothing I suggest is helping.

It is so, so hard having a teen like this. DD2 has been seeing a therapist for about 10 months now and we’re waiting for her first appointment with a specialist doctor (not UK so no CAMHS etc). I hope they give her ADs tbh because she is almost impossible to talk to, and refuses to do anything except go to school and even that’s quite difficult.

Las summer I was sitting and crying a lot of the time because I was so worried about her, but the pp above who said it’s like the oxygen mask on a plane is right I think. I’ve started doing more stuff for me because I think I would have had a breakdown otherwise - several years of DD1 being a PITA followed by stress about DD2 was just too much.

I hope everyone has a nice (or not too bad) day today.

@NCTDN i have one like that, now at Oxbridge.

im not going to offer practical solutions like time management hints etc because in my experience these bright kids always think they know better and don’t listen or apply anything you try anyway.

the only things I did that helped I think was a) to sympathise rather than give advice - that took away any additional pressure they perceived from me. B) get them out on walks, outings or similar, even just out for a burger etc, again to take the pressure off and c) bolster confidence as much as possible. In my opinion it really is the root of so many problems when they lose confidence in themselves.

if he’s bright he’ll probably be fine academically anyway, and can afford to be easier on himself than he or the school/college will admit.

Thanks @Member786488
He's going into college tomorrow with homework not done which is a first for him. No idea how the day will pan out.

How does your child cope at uni?

He does the minimum amount of work necessary to get by now he’s realising there’s a whole new world out there full of bright, beautiful people amongst whom it’s fine to be clever and aspirational.

his time management is still appalling but he cooks well, has friends and is really enjoying himself. And he did manage to organise a doctors appointment for himself this week which is an achievement! He’d never have ‘got round to it’ before. Also, the small collegiate system really suits him in a way a larger, more impersonal Uni with hundreds of students in a department wouldn’t. The tutors really get to know the students as individuals.

if your son is looking at uni I’d really recommend Oxbridge and Durham for this reason alone. Getting in is competitive obviously and can therefore be stressful, although it doesn’t have to be if handled correctly by the school, but the support students get is great.

How are your DCs getting on now?
My 17yr DD has just been prescribed ADs so interested to know how they help and how quickly?

@WonderingWanda

Sorry, what does that mean?