I just need someone to tell me it won’t always be like this.

[Decisionsdecisions1]

That’s all.
Dd constantly bites my head off - she’s no better with dp. Rarely talks to us. Never wants to spend time with us. Walks behind us if we’re out. She doesn’t shout or scream but she is silent, doesn’t say goodbye etc. Responses to questions are one word answers or ‘god you’re annoying leave me alone’.

She is apparently great at school (according to teachers) and has friends, is invited out with friends etc.

We have tried:
Talking to dd calmly about the impact of her behaviour etc
Asking dd where she’d like to go for a day or hour out, involving her in decisions etc
Giving dd space if she wants to be alone

Nothing we do is right. We have no money issues and dd has as clothes, tech, etc just like her friends. We give her freedom to meet her friends independently.

i’m out of ideas. I feel stressed, hurt, I can’t sleep for worry and most likely am menopausal to boot.

I see other daughters chatting with their mums and I feel like a failure.

And dd is only 12. She started her periods age 9 and her personality has completely changed from the chatty, confidant, affectionate girl she was. None of her friends have their periods yet and seem so different.

I know we are her safe space but I feel like a punch bag, constantly waiting for the next rejection.

That's rotten.
Raging hormones.
But, that's not an excuse for poor behaviour.
Pull her up when she's rude. Point out she wouldn't like to be spoken to like that herself.
Otherwise, keep to your rules and expectations, praise and respond positively when you can and try and find some areas of common ground that you still connect on.
12 is very young still and don't fall into the trap of giving her too much leeway because you want to curry favour.
It will pass.

It won't always be like this.

Many many teens go through those stages (not all). 12 is pretty early but on the plus side you should be through it early as well.

Back off on the family stuff. Spend time with your DH and your friends.

They do turn back into human beings later on.

My DD is 15 now and still has her moments but she also tells me she loves me again and comes for cuddles sometimes.

It's still hard but I feel like we've broken the big wave.

Oh gosh I sympathise so much. I have been in tears over mine today.
Single parent and she chooses not to see her Dad so all on me. Ignores, silent, grumpy, stays in her room all day, then complains everyone else has fun things planned for half term except us. Can’t win and it makes me feel so shit

Is your dd an only child
I have 3 found between 15-18 hardest.
12 is young but she will eventually be nice again

It does get better. There were times with dd1 where I felt I really couldn't stand the person she was becoming, she literally never said anything to me without sounding like I was shit she had stepped in. It started to get better just before she turned 16, and she is absolutely lovely now at 17.

They do come out the other side but it can be tough for a while. My eldest was awful from 13-16 and I genuinely thought we wouldn’t have a relationship, but he is now the most adorable young man. Pick your battles, be prepared to walk away rather than arguing and trying to have the last word. There’s a great book - ‘How to talk to teens’ that I’d recommend. It will get better and you’re certainly not alone in going through this.

Do you pull her up on the rudeness ?

Thanks all. I think I also need to accept that the days of uncomplicated fun with a happy go lucky kid are over. I can’t keep looking back and thinking where did we go wrong.

i know others have it so much worse and we should be grateful. I just wish there were more moments I enjoyed being a parent.

Doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. Parenting teens is a different ball game.

Leave her be. It's not personal and it will pass.

I was awful as a teen and I am now a normal, settled, fully functional adult with good relationships with all my family members. I feel pretty ashamed of my teenage behaviour. She will come out the other side again.

I have 3 DD's the oldest 2 are out the other side of this awfulness and the middle one especially says she can't believe the way she used to act. Now she and her best friend (my 4th child) actively seek me out to spend time with me. They are even coming on a 4 hour round trip to pick their sister up from the airport later tonight. This too shall pass. My youngest is still trying my patience but I know it will end.

I think a lot of teens go through this phase, I know I did. Don't permit poor behaviour/attitude just to win favour, all it will do is make her lose respect for you further down the line.

Be honest and tell her that when she does or says XYZ it really hurts your feelings. If she knows how her behaviour is actually affecting you it might help make her think before she acts. Deep down she does care and loves you, she's probably just putting up walls to protect herself. The teen years come with a lot of change, a lot of mixed emotions and she doesn't yet know how to navigate that.

This was how I felt as a teen and was probably quite similar in behaviour to your DD.

Honestly, if that’s the worst of it be grateful, speaking from experience it could be much worse. Be patient, it will pass and try to catch her at a good moment for a chat.

It’s such a shock when this happens but is totally normal. I too was wondering where I went wrong and kept trying to talk, have days out together etc. After reading various books about teenagers (“Untangled” is excellent for teen girls), I made a conscious decision to step back and let them come to me.

I do not tolerate spoken to rudely but I will not force them to spend time with me under sufferance. I went out more by myself which shows my life doesn’t revolve around them and tried to remain calm and be their rock. My teens were like this for a few years and are now slowly coming out of it and asking to go to places together again.

Do you do things with her without your husband/partner?

Do you have any activities you can do together such as a board game, watching a tv show or a sport or something. Not something that requires chatting. Will she come with you shopping?

Is the household generally a happy fun place?

Is she tired?

I really identify
I'll tell you what has worked, sometimes, a little bit
Stepping into my own vulnerability

Yes we still have arguments, however when I can get hold of my feelings...
I'm really sorry we're disagreeing
I feel really upset... You won't shower example.... And that's making me down or angry, can we please take a minute then talk?

I find this is giving my teen time to have empathy for me.

You haven't done anything wrong
This is a natural but upsetting - the way people grow up
Parenting A Distant Teenager | Counseling | Therapy (thecenterforgrowth.com)

There is some great advice on here and yes it will pass!
some things I’ve picked up from my own experience with my daughter and from friends with daughters… is to keep calm, and walk away from extreme provocation but do discuss calmly later, don’t give up your boundaries.
Humour and fun in the house, family games/ quizzes and her seeing you happy and doing your thing will go along way to improving your relationship and the mood in the house.
If her behaviour changes so that school and friends start to be affected - then it’s more of a concern so keep an eye out for that but otherwise try not to worry.

i found that talking to my daughter about her interests - not just her behaviour, or her school work or asking her what was wrong but trying to engage on something she was passionate about also helped. We watched her favourite bands and gigs on YouTube, and it helped give us something to talk about… which sometimes led in to other conversations about friends, school, how she was feeling. This information would
just be volunteered in detail after an hour of watching a band but never simply if I asked her if she was ok !

My teenager's horrible just now as well, it is upsetting but I have to remind myself he's just really immature

Thank you all.

Yes dh and I do things together and separately and with our friends, we both make time for exercise etc and work full time.

We used to have family movie nights, play board games, have days out. I could cry when I think how lovely that used to be. Dd just won’t do it anymore.

I took her to a concert she really wanted to go to, with friends, as a birthday treat. She refused to sit next to me (I didn’t make her) and asked if I could give my ticket to one of her friends (other mums were going). I was hurt but just said it was a late night and I needed to be there.

Good advice on this thread.

Hey, I hope you don't mind me asking. But i wondered how things are a year on. I was searching mumsnet for a thread like this, as my son is 13 in a few weeks and I too am finding his change of behaviour a challenge. I know rationally it's hormonal and part of him becoming an adult, but as its just us in the house it can feel hard having the person I see most often not be very nice to me!!! His mood definitely changes, so sometimes he can be lovely still, but others really rude. I also worry that as an only child he spends lots of time online to stay connected with his peers, but the amount of times he is now checking his phone is becoming obsessive. And he can be very combative when I ask him to stop.
I thought I'd try and find something to read to help me have a better understanding. And maybe offer me some advise on how parent better. Have you any recommendations?

Yes, my DD 12 years seems to have had a personality transplant in the last few months. It happens so suddenly and I thought I would be used to it by now as she is my 3rd DC. They go from loving and energetic to sullen and lifeless.

This could be me! My DS is 13 in September and an only child. He can be really lovely but he can also be the devil. He is sulky, acts spoilt if he doesn't get his own way, which we don't pander to but it wears you down. We had the worst day yesterday of his attitude and arguing and I'm so ashamed as I lost my temper completely with him. He's sneaky too, he'll sneak sweat and biscuits if we are not there. Although he has said he feels he can't trust himself around sugary treats and has asked me to remove them all and just get him a bit of chocolate for a Saturday night, he is sporty and wants to keep healthy so hopefully that will help. We are lucky we can afford nice trips away etc and we constantly tell him how lucky he is, DH grew up with nothing. But ds can be so entitled and if we ask him to help with anything it's like it's the end of the world for him.