I just need someone to tell me it won’t always be like this.

[Decisionsdecisions1]

That’s all.
Dd constantly bites my head off - she’s no better with dp. Rarely talks to us. Never wants to spend time with us. Walks behind us if we’re out. She doesn’t shout or scream but she is silent, doesn’t say goodbye etc. Responses to questions are one word answers or ‘god you’re annoying leave me alone’.

She is apparently great at school (according to teachers) and has friends, is invited out with friends etc.

We have tried:
Talking to dd calmly about the impact of her behaviour etc
Asking dd where she’d like to go for a day or hour out, involving her in decisions etc
Giving dd space if she wants to be alone

Nothing we do is right. We have no money issues and dd has as clothes, tech, etc just like her friends. We give her freedom to meet her friends independently.

i’m out of ideas. I feel stressed, hurt, I can’t sleep for worry and most likely am menopausal to boot.

I see other daughters chatting with their mums and I feel like a failure.

And dd is only 12. She started her periods age 9 and her personality has completely changed from the chatty, confidant, affectionate girl she was. None of her friends have their periods yet and seem so different.

I know we are her safe space but I feel like a punch bag, constantly waiting for the next rejection.

Same in my house. 15 year old DS doesn't speak to me at all except for functional stuff relating to food or tech. I will never give up trying but at the moment it's a bit like having a one sided relationship. He's great and chatty with his many friends, he's a gregarious personality when I'm not present. As soon as I walk into a room, he clamps shut. I'm so envious of parents with chatty teens.

I have came across this thread and can totally relate with my 13 year old daughter. It’s hellish!

Does great in school etc but talks to me like crap every day 😭 I worry she is spoiled and so used to getting her own way (only child).

I see other people saying they back off and don’t tolerate rudeness and back chat. By ‘not tolerating’ I’m curious as to how other parents deal with this? Any consequences?

I have tried talking about things, explaining stuff calmly etc but every day we are back to square one.

Hi - I'm the original OP. No sage advice to offer except to say when its bad, tell yourself it won't last forever. And when its good, tell yourself the same thing.

It is a one sided relationship with me pathetically grateful for little scraps of dd tolerating talking to me. There are brief glimmers when I see her really happy from something dp or I have done for her or made happen and I try to hold onto that glow for the inevitable times when she is telling me I'm controlling and ruining her life.

I try to be grateful for the stuff that goes well (eg school) and that at least dd isn't clinging to dp and I and afraid to be without us. She knows she can explore her independence then come back to us and we'll still be here.

The only suggestion I have is to try to find someone you know well and whose judgement you trust who has older teens who seem well adjusted - their advice (and the advice of their teens) can be really helpful. For me, an old friend who has teens (who I've known since they were born) and has been a teacher for a long time is invaluable at calming me down when I feel all is lost.

It is normal for teens to lash out at their parents and say hurtful things.

'Going nuclear' or banning screens etc is all v well but can be a temporary measure and in some cases can close down the lines of comms and make things worse in my exp.

Do not (repeat do not) compare yourself with other parents and their seemingly perfect teens. Ignore posters who come on to tell you their teens are such great company and they love hanging out with them and they just don't tolerate any rudeness etc. No one knows what really happens in a family household except the people in it. Perception is just that, it isn't necessarily reality.

I try to remember that dd didn't ask to be born. She didn't ask for tech bros to create social media and the carnage that has created. She didn't ask for a dismal job market and unaffordable housing. As teens grow older they start to see the world for what it really is and it can be scary and miserable for them.

Mine were horrendous. They are lovely adults and we are very very close those teenage years were the worst of my life

Hi @Decisionsdecisions1 good to hear back from you.
My friends and I have this analogy and it’s literally applied to ALL of us and our teens 😅

These teen years can be a bit like a murky brown pool of swamp stretching out ahead with occasional bits of green grass peaking up through the water. Then gradually, over time, the brown swampy water slowly drains. And from it emerges hillocks of bright green grass with swamp water all around them. The ratio of beautiful green grass versus swamp continually changes…
Finally, and very very gradually, the brown swamp water drains away leaving beautiful green fields with the odd brown puddle nestled in the lowest parts….and sometimes if you’re not thinking or looking you may still occasionally splash in them! ❤️

@Ohgoonthenanotheronefortheroad I think if they’re doing ok in school and have friends they’re basically fine and pretty normal.
I read lots of books on parenting including Untangled to try and adjust to dd have more freedom and what was reasonable.
Other things I did that helped me were :-
Try not to sweat the small stuff.
Stay calm at all times don’t argue back.
Try still to have fun - quiz nights - try and have fun yourself show them that you can laugh and joke with your friends and you’re not just their mum and a nag.
Effectively they’re rebuilding their relationships with us, severing and reconnecting in a way that allows them to live independently when they’re adults!

There’s a thread someone on Mumsnet about being a rock whilst your teens flail around you growing up and you’re just there as this calm anchor … it really resonated with me will try and find it.

I am not in anyway holding myself up as a paragon of parenting as I have plenty of regrets and uncertainties. But I do make a point of not letting rudeness or hurtful comments become normalised. I felt my parents ran out of steam a bit with my quite a bit younger sibling and just let her act out/speak to them in a way they didn't with us older ones and it hasn't done anyone any favours.

All I do is use a quiet voice and stop engaging in the conversation, and just state, "I don't like the way you're speaking to me right now, I think we should pick this up later" or, "I'm going to walk away from this now as the way you are speaking to me is upsetting me" or similar things. I have also made statements such as, "I don't think many people would tolerate the way you are speaking to me" before removing myself from the situation. I do feel really strongly that I don't ever want treating me (or anyone) badly to be ok.

None of that solves the wanting them to engage, interact, have fun and take part in family events etc though I'm afraid.

if you’re not ruining your teenager’s life at least once a month, you’re parenting them incorrectly.

I like something in a (fiction) book I'm reading at the moment, a mother talking about her teen "who doesn't particularly enjoy her parents live presence but also doesn't want them dead".

I find myself secretly glad if dd gets scared by spider or something so I can get a stealth cuddle in.