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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Almost 12 year old boy told Discord group he has a boyfriend

34 replies

Need2knowbasis · 15/05/2024 14:13

I need some help to untangle this & work out how to respond, please be kind.

Nothing has suggested my boy is gay/bi before and he's had huge crushes on girls since he was little. But he's with a very gender and sexuality fluid bunch of friends at school. He's very CIS though.

He has a nice male bestfriend, A and for the last year he's a new bestie, B. Be is born male, and his mum now calls B she. When I first met B, I had no idea if B was a boy or girl. Lots of cues that could be read either way. But it's been a calm nice friendship.

Recently my son said he'd had his first kiss. I asked who it was... wouldn't say, which is unusual for him .... so I asked if it was B and he said 'No! I'm not gay!' ... Another time he said he thought he might be bi. I thought this was just kiddie stuff, as all his friends talk this way.

Fine. My son and B have been inseparable lately. After a sleepover at B's last weekend, my son told his Discord group he has a boyfriend. Someone responded that he was gay, and someone else responded that no he likes boys and girls.

Son doesn't have a phone so accesses Discord through my phone. I've told him I can and will check it, but he thinks I'm too fuddy duddy for that.

B's parents are approachable but I don't want to make a big drama ... but also can't allow sleepovers again. How do I talk to my son about this? Treat it as a passing phase? Crack down?

I gotta say, I thought I was really open, calm and accepting about gay/bi... but when it's my son ... I'm going to panic-y places in my mind. Like if his first experiences are gay he no longer has the choice to be straight. And yes, I want him to be straight. That's against my own values, I don't want to be homophobic, but that's the truth of it today at least, hence why I'm processing on an anonymous post. Maybe it's denial. Shock? Or am I just over-reacting to kiddie stuff - all his friends are identifying as whatever... Obviously if he is gay I'll love and support him but he never gave those vibes. So I wonder is he performing this to fit in. Or confused? Maybe that's the real issue here.

Also surprised he's keeping it secret while also accepting that he wants privacy... but we've been very open.

And what if B isn't the boyfriend? Online grooming?

I don't want him to go underground with Discord so don't think I can say anything.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
goldenretrievermum5 · 15/05/2024 16:27

Give him privacy. The only thing that you’re going to achieve by asking about his ‘boyfriend’ is him hiding things from you and becoming secretive. Obviously he doesn’t want you to know - his sexuality, his business. When/if he wants to tell you he will do it on his own terms

Having reread your post and seeing that you’re openly homophobic it might be worth thinking why he hasn’t told you. Kids pick up on these things

Snugglemonkey · 15/05/2024 17:30

You are homophobic. Don't talk to him about this. He will know and it is not OK to shame him, or put your prejudices onto him. You cannot be neutral, so leave him to work it out himself.

EmilyGilmoreenergy · 15/05/2024 17:34

If it was B he'd be saying he had a girlfriend.

PuppetQueen · 15/05/2024 17:51

I disagree...if OP's child had been a DD instead of a DS, and had been posting on Discord (on her mum's phone, and knowing that her mum will check the Discord conversations!) that she had a boyfriend, most people would be advising the OP to have a chat with her DD about it, no? And especially if the DD was having sleepovers with her boyfriend! There would be conversations about consent, not being pressured into things, nudes, the fact that it's illegal for 12-year-olds to have sex and why that is.

All of this still applies to a male 12-year-old.

OP, I think you do need to gently discuss this with your DS. You have told him that you will periodically check his Discord chats, so you haven't done anything wrong. BUt if you're worried that he'll go underground with Discord, refer back to the kiss he told you about and explain that you need to revisit consent, nudes, contraception (not an issue if he is gay, but if you are pretending not to know then it makes sense to include it!). Hopefully he will divulge a little more. I understand your concerns about possible gay experiences, but at almost 12 he's too young for anything more than snogging IMO so try to reduce opportunities for experimentation and keep him very busy with other activities.

Original poster
Need2knowbasis · 15/05/2024 20:57

Thank you, especially PuppetQueen.

And no, goldenretrievermum5 I'm not 'openly homophobic'. I've always told the kids they can love whoever they want, and there are gay adults in our lives. Not sure homophobic applies though I am surprised by the strength of my own reaction. So why am I reacting so strongly?

If my son was a kid who'd always looked like he may be gay or gender fluid or whatever then I would have supported him in that from as soon as I saw it. But he's not that kid, and I'm wondering if he's engaging in something to fit into his friend group, or because he can be a people pleaser. Stuff like that does happen, and I know that he can be needy.

I've been processing this for hours now, and honestly, if he's a gay/bi adult - fine. But right now, he's a young tween and something happened on a sleepover. And if it didn't, who's the boyfriend? And why won't he tell me about him?

I don't want him to go underground on Discord. I don't want to embarrass him or create a drama. But I do have to stop those sleepovers. This could all be really innocent kiddie stuff, and probably is, but I need to know more. My son is online. It could be anyone, and I know plenty of people who've had unwanted or bad sex or been groomed when young. I know a married man who says he feels straight but can only be turned on by violent gay sex because he was abused by an older boy as a kid and that became his template. His wife knows, he's been to counselling, he's accepted it and himself, but he feels his sexuality was rewired by that early abuse, regardless of who he's actually attracted to.

I'm not saying anything like that is happening here but I want my sons first experiences to be when he's older and coming from a place of real consent with a peer.

I'll be following your advice PuppetQueen

OP posts:
waterrat · 16/05/2024 09:09

Discord is full of predators so number 1 I would get an 11 year old off there immediately.

lifesrichpageant · 17/05/2024 06:00

OP I have been in a similar situation and I felt at a loss for what to do. I am glad that I basically did nothing. The situation blew over. I did do some digging on discord and the chats/forums were so innocent and frankly dull. I think it's easy for us adults to jump to some dark places but I suspect this is kid stuff/experimentation, espcecially if your DS isn't acting withdrawn, upset, angry, or having any other shifts in his usual temperament/behaviour. As for not wanting him to be gay, please keep that to yourself! He may surprise you!

Perfect28 · 17/05/2024 06:25

Some people are gay. Get over it

Packingcubesqueen · 17/05/2024 06:34

I think of my 12 year old said he had a boyfriend id be worried. 12 is young and a relationship with a boy feels more risky than one with a girl. Not because he might be gay but just boys/men are more likely to push for sexual stuff than girls and because of social conditioning boys are less likely to put the brakes on when things start.
First thing I’d want to know is who is his boyfriend? How old are they etc. go for a drive somewhere and see if he’ll open up. Do not say anything that could be remotely perceived as homophobic or you’ll lose all respect from him.

Jellybean85 · 17/05/2024 06:41

It's just kiddie stuff AngryEnvy

I genuinely didn't think many people still entertained this stuff?!

Discord is for adults and a real risk. Get your 'Kiddie' off there ffs

MrsElsa · 17/05/2024 06:44

A quick look around the Internet and you'll find plenty of adults posting that they had sexual experiences with other children and it fucked them up long term. Doesn't have to be an age gap relationship to cause harm. Protect your child, don't say anything openly but do quietly knock the sleepovers off and try to get DC into other activities where he can mix with different children with no connection to B.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 17/05/2024 06:48

I work with sex offenders, get him off of discord. If he's kissed a friend at that age I wouldn't be worried at all, but discord is well used by adults grooming children.

MuskerHounds · 17/05/2024 06:55

There's a lot more to all of this than just you being homophobic. I'm quite surprised that people are attacking you.

The child he is describing as his boyfriend is presenting as a girl for a start.
Your son is using an internet platform that is used by predators.
He's being having sleepovers with another child who he is now say he's in a relationship with and you don't know if anything physical has happened.

There is a lot going on.

HiddenBehindANameChange · 17/05/2024 06:56

Mine did similar at 13 - but no sleepovers.
It fizzled out pretty quickly, but they are still pretty good friends. A year later, he has a girlfriend, who is a much better fit for him. I reckon he is going to date whoever he feels most comfortable with at the time, until he (hopefully) finds the one to marry - be that m or f.
Despite thinking i had no issues with same sex relationships, my initial reaction did make me question how accepting I was for anything other than a traditional relationship. However, further down the line I think it was actually a reaction to my baby growing up - and a relationship with anyone would have unsettled me, as it brings with it a whole new aspect to parenting. I'm not actually fussed who it's with.

I'd agree it's not B who he's in a relationship with tho (B is She - a girlfriend). So check that side of it out. If it's another kid of a similar age, let it go. If it's someone more than the school year above, I'd probably broach it with him.

Ritadidsomethingbad · 17/05/2024 07:00

I’m hoping this is a wind up tbh.

Forhecksake · 17/05/2024 07:03

I definitely don't believe that experiencing a same sex romantic encounter removes choice in any way. I've certainly known gay men who had relationships with women at various points and I know straight men who have had same sex encounters. It's mostly about being with the person who meets their needs at the time.

Randommother · 17/05/2024 07:18

I went through a very similar situation with my son when he was the same age. I had some careful conversations with him about consent, love, curiosity, boundaries - all of the topics you would discuss when they first start showing signs of wanting to be in a relationship that’s more than a friendship. I found taking him out for a walk in the countryside was the easiest was to have these conversations, it was just the 2 of us and we had plenty of time to discuss what we needed (alongside lots of discussions about computer games, what to have for dinner, who's fallen out with who and other 12 year old topics!!).

I found out through reading his WhatsApp messages as I knew there was something going on, but he did open up to me in the end. It turned out that the reason he was in the relationship was because he didn’t want to upset his friend by saying no! I had to guide him through how to extract himself from the situation, and we both learned a lot in the process. I never told him that I already knew and never confessed to reading his messages for exactly the same reason, I didn’t want him to go covert on me. He's now 14, not in a relationship with anyone, or interested in being and I’ve not felt the need to read his messages for a long time.

trickotreat · 17/05/2024 07:27

PuppetQueen · 15/05/2024 17:51

I disagree...if OP's child had been a DD instead of a DS, and had been posting on Discord (on her mum's phone, and knowing that her mum will check the Discord conversations!) that she had a boyfriend, most people would be advising the OP to have a chat with her DD about it, no? And especially if the DD was having sleepovers with her boyfriend! There would be conversations about consent, not being pressured into things, nudes, the fact that it's illegal for 12-year-olds to have sex and why that is.

All of this still applies to a male 12-year-old.

OP, I think you do need to gently discuss this with your DS. You have told him that you will periodically check his Discord chats, so you haven't done anything wrong. BUt if you're worried that he'll go underground with Discord, refer back to the kiss he told you about and explain that you need to revisit consent, nudes, contraception (not an issue if he is gay, but if you are pretending not to know then it makes sense to include it!). Hopefully he will divulge a little more. I understand your concerns about possible gay experiences, but at almost 12 he's too young for anything more than snogging IMO so try to reduce opportunities for experimentation and keep him very busy with other activities.

But the OP doesn't seem to be fretting that he's seeing someone. They fretting because it's a boy. Because they don't want their ds to be gay.

trickotreat · 17/05/2024 07:32

@Need2knowbasis

And no, goldenretrievermum5 I'm not 'openly homophobic'. I've always told the kids they can love whoever they want, and there are gay adults in our lives. Not sure homophobic applies though I am surprised by the strength of my own reaction. So why am I reacting so strongly?

Your reaction reveals that you are in fact homophobic. If it is other people but as you have said, if it is YOUR ds you don't like it and don't want him to be gay.

It sounds like rather than complete hatred of homosexuality you are more scared and confused. Maybe take time to thing deeply about what and why you are afraid. Is it what you fear people will thing of you? What is the root of the issue.

If he is gay or bi then that's what he is.

You will have every ability to accept and even celebrate this but it sounds like you need time to process.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/05/2024 09:48

My DD told me she was gay at 12, so when she wanted female school friends for sleepovers at 14, I made sure they weren't 'girlfriends'. I wouldn't allow a boyfriend to sleepover with her at that age so the same rule applies.

pwrwulf · 17/05/2024 14:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

GiantSportsDirectMug · 17/05/2024 14:35

He's 11. Get him off Discord asap. He is far too young for it.

PuppetQueen · 17/05/2024 16:59

I don't think OP is "wanting her son to be straight", but rather not wanting him to be exposed or coerced into gay sexual experiences when he hasn't shown any signs of being gay before. I know Mumsnet likes to scoff about "catching the gay", but anecdotally there are many gay men who were had early (as children), unwanted sexual encounters with gay men and these encounters do seem to imprint certain sexual behaviours on them. I don't think she's being unreasonable in not wanting her son to be set on a path he wouldn't otherwise have chosen.

StarsHideYourFir3s · 17/05/2024 17:25

Could well be a phase, could not. I completely understand the panic feeling, though. It's possibly as much to do with the thought that your son is growing up, maybe tied up with the fact that being openly gay is still risky sometimes and you want to protect him. I would reiterate that you will check Discord occasionally, and have an open sex talk with him. No need to be the cool mum who pretends to be fine with him doing whatever, but state you are always there to talk, inform him about sexual health and contraception, and keep the lines of communication open.

StarsHideYourFir3s · 17/05/2024 17:26

I wouldn't forbid Discord outright, as much as it is tempting - he will find a way to access it and he's then more open to the weirdos online. Hate Discord and everything it fosters but better the devil you know.