Almost 12 year old boy told Discord group he has a boyfriend

[Need2knowbasis]

I need some help to untangle this & work out how to respond, please be kind.

Nothing has suggested my boy is gay/bi before and he's had huge crushes on girls since he was little. But he's with a very gender and sexuality fluid bunch of friends at school. He's very CIS though.

He has a nice male bestfriend, A and for the last year he's a new bestie, B. Be is born male, and his mum now calls B she. When I first met B, I had no idea if B was a boy or girl. Lots of cues that could be read either way. But it's been a calm nice friendship.

Recently my son said he'd had his first kiss. I asked who it was... wouldn't say, which is unusual for him .... so I asked if it was B and he said 'No! I'm not gay!' ... Another time he said he thought he might be bi. I thought this was just kiddie stuff, as all his friends talk this way.

Fine. My son and B have been inseparable lately. After a sleepover at B's last weekend, my son told his Discord group he has a boyfriend. Someone responded that he was gay, and someone else responded that no he likes boys and girls.

Son doesn't have a phone so accesses Discord through my phone. I've told him I can and will check it, but he thinks I'm too fuddy duddy for that.

B's parents are approachable but I don't want to make a big drama ... but also can't allow sleepovers again. How do I talk to my son about this? Treat it as a passing phase? Crack down?

I gotta say, I thought I was really open, calm and accepting about gay/bi... but when it's my son ... I'm going to panic-y places in my mind. Like if his first experiences are gay he no longer has the choice to be straight. And yes, I want him to be straight. That's against my own values, I don't want to be homophobic, but that's the truth of it today at least, hence why I'm processing on an anonymous post. Maybe it's denial. Shock? Or am I just over-reacting to kiddie stuff - all his friends are identifying as whatever... Obviously if he is gay I'll love and support him but he never gave those vibes. So I wonder is he performing this to fit in. Or confused? Maybe that's the real issue here.

Also surprised he's keeping it secret while also accepting that he wants privacy... but we've been very open.

And what if B isn't the boyfriend? Online grooming?

I don't want him to go underground with Discord so don't think I can say anything.

Am I over reacting?

I would talk to him about it. He's 11 and girl or boy, as long as they're the same age then it's likely to be very basic kissing and hand holding.

I agree that there are stories of gay men who had damaging sexual experiences when they were very young, but this was mostly because of the extra secrecy surrounding male/male sexual contact and large age gaps which doesn't make for anything healthy. It's a huge plus that attitudes have moved on and young gay boys can have healthy, age appropriate crushes and relationships just like their straight peers.

Another huge plus, imo, is that children feel far more free now to experiment with sexual attraction. Girls having crushes on each other and sometimes that evolving into a pre-teen/early teen relationship has been normalised for years now. It's a good thing that boys can also have a crush on a boy friend - it may or may not mean they continue to have same sex relationships as they grow. Even if your ds is just trying to fit in, if he's actually straight then he'll get bored of that as he grows. Or not. Either is ok.

If my son was a kid who'd always looked like he may be gay or gender fluid or whatever then I would have supported him in that from as soon as I saw it. But he's not that kid, and I'm wondering if he's engaging in

@rollmop children don't arrive with a rainbow birthmark. People who are gay, or bi are not specific personalities. You sound like a parent 1980s. It's sad to hear.

You sound very confused. What does a gay child look like? Do you not have any gay friends? A lot of gay people had fleeting, or even not so fleeting relationships with people of the opposite sex when they were young before they became settled on knowing what they preferred. (Plus bi people exist).

Why do you think it couldn't happen the other way round? If I'd grown up in more enlightened times then I may well have had girlfriends before I had boyfriends - when you're very young there isn't that much difference between a very close friendship and a romantic one - take away social pressure for compulsory heterosexuality and healthy experimenting about what you like and don't like is bound to become more common.

@rollmop the first paragraph is a quote from the op. No idea why it came up in the same format as my comment below.

My point was children who are gay, bi are not necessarily stereo typical personalities. And most people I know were very sure of their sexual orientation by age 11. Some may not but a lot are.

Too young for any sexual relationship. It's not gay/bi bashing he's just too young. Tell him he's too young to have a special friend like that boy or girl.

And saying we should just be happy that children can discover their sexuality through developmentally appropriate relationships with whatever sex they are attracted to makes me a 1980s parent and you "sad" how?

"son was a kid who'd always looked like he may be gay or gender fluid or whatever then I would have supported him in that from as soon as I saw it."

I assume @ditalini you are the op? Because saying if they looked like they may be gay. What on earth does that look like, being gay does not equate to a particular personality.

This is the point. What on earth does being gay look like? This is why certain parts of society still struggle to be their authentic self, e.g. premier league footballers.

My teen wanted to go on Discord to chat to his friends. I said no but he could have a WhatsApp group with his school friends. I'd get him off Discord immediately.