Wise words please - dd17 given up her sport, ways to help me let go

[Superdupersquirrel]

Some wise words, mantras and things to help me keep things in perspective all appreciated!

all we want is for our children to find contentment, fulfilment, self esteem and confidence to go out into the world. My dd17 has gone through a traumatic time at college where she was studying her sport - she was very talented at it but I suspected for the last couple of years that it was a mostly hate, not often enough love relationship with it. After her college experience, she left (which was right for her overall wellbeing) but with it she’s completely turned her back on that sport and is now restarting college in sept to pursue a new direction in healthcare.

it means right now, she is mainly trying to fill her days with some part time work, on her phone, sometimes going to the gym and seeing her boyfriend (as well as helping round the house when I remind her!) she’s a wonderful person and I love her so much. But it’s not always easy and it’s hard to see her totally turn her back on all sport. We always promised ourselves we’d never push her but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it’s really disappointing. Especially when you see her spending so much time on her phone instead (probably no more than any of her peers but I still think it’s no good for them).

I know I need to let it go, she’s becoming a young woman - this may make me sound terrible but it just feels like the choices she’s making now, she’s just settling for the typical boyfriend, nails done, on Snapchat and I’d hoped for more for her.

im looking to your fabulous lot for some compassionate but real talk to help me let go and move on. For whatever reason I feel I’ve failed her

You haven’t failed her? If she is happy and making choices for herself and her happiness, (even when they are not your style of choices) then you did a great job. She is independent and finding her own way.

She is not on drugs or unwell. She is also working and making plans.

Cop on to yourself. Enjoy your time together. Good luck.

When did she stop? Sounds like she needs some time to decompress from the intensity of doing it.
Did she used to love it? Is there opportunity to go and do it in a more social, fun way? Or a different sport that could fill the gap a bit.

What sport?

Is there any chance she’ll go back?

dc has just done the same, although their’s isn’t a sport they can study at college so that’s not affected.

tbh I am glad. GB sport is a political shit show and I was worried for their physical and mental health. It is sad to see something they’ve worked so hard for and were so talented at forced to come to an end, particularly in our case where is wasn’t a choice.

Think what a massive weight off her shoulders this must be.

Then you can feel better about it.

It's not something lost, it's a burden removed.

This is the thing with sports. They can be taken too far and all the fun goes. All of it. And it becomes a burden that upsets the participant.

The tricky thing is I’m not sure how often she truly loved it, if I’m honest I’d say about 20% of the time. She just happened to be very skilled at it (although because she didn’t love it, she was starting to feel the pressure as others who did started to perform more consistently). She could go and play whenever she wants but just doesn’t want to. We’ve suggested other sports but she appears to have turned her back on the whole concept tbh.

Your daughter made a decision of prioritising her wellbeing. She has proven her maturity, now she needs to kick back and probably reclaim some downtime that she missed over the year.

She has a plan for next term. She is doing good. Gently, apply head wobble 😉.

Thank you for this - this is the kind of mantra I need to remember when I end up feeling that sadness for something lost

Might it be a good idea to put limits on phone time? It might help her to decompress better if she was off screens.

I'm not sure how you do that with someone of that age, but my son copped on himself after a while and walked away from it.

I know this poem is not about this but it just came into my head:

A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam...
and for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world...
but then it flies on again, and although
we wish it could have stayed,
we are so thankful to have seen it at all.

Why are you so keen for her to follow this ‘sport’ rather than leisure pursuits of her own choosing?

I ask because this seems entirely about you and your feelings. Your dd seems fine, she’s making her own choices and living her life.

Not the life you want her to live to make you feel good. Start with working on yourself and what the source of the ‘disappointment’ is.

This is beautiful and it’s very apt - I think my and her dad are mourning something that had a moment in the sun and were hoping against hope that she’d gown to love it. But the reality is like other posts have said, the emotion, politics and pressure of it sucks! Her sport was golf and the individual nature (and frankly some really intense environments and general weird culture) make it particularly tough to find the fun, unless you truly adore it. And we have to accept she just didn’t - I’m not even sure it’s what I would have wanted for her, having experienced the culture of it but it’s still sad when I used to watch her at her best and it was increidble

When I think about the people I know whose lives were completely wrapped up in their child’s sport and who were really pushing hard to pursue it at a high level, every single one of them has now given it up altogether in their late teens/early 20s. I think if you are trying to be at the top of a sport it’s very hard to settle for just playing for fun.

It does also sound like you had an image of your DD that she was better than others because of pursuing her sport and the resulting lack of time to do normal teenage things. You’ve come down with a bump. But she’s only 17 and she has plans for her future. It’s time for you to make plans for yours that don’t involve travelling to sports training/events!

If she's naturally talented at it she could go back to it later, I don't know much about golf but I'm guessing it's not a sport whereby you're passed your best by 19/20

My friends very talented daughter has gone back to martial arts in her 30s after a break of over 10 years and is winning every fight she has. It's amazing to watch and she loves it again.

You dd is healthy and happy and planning for her future, it really could be so much worse in so many ways.

its her life, not yours.

Lord, golf is something else when it comes to messing with your head I think! Just watching the recent Netflix documentary and seeing how even the greats can fall apart and struggle to find their groove again. If you don’t love it it must really be torture. And maybe she’ll come back to it as an adult for pleasure given she has the skill.

I know what you mean though OP. My DD is younger but has found her sport in the past year and it brings us so much joy to watch her go out there and play it. In our case we’re lucky that she loves it and also that she’s not a star player (which I think helps as there’s nothing riding on her being good at it) but if the day comes that she drops it I think we’ll be really sad!

When your child finds a sport they excel at- we’re talking GB team, olympics, university scholarships, an entire career as a possibility, the whole family has to support that.

time, money, emotions.

it’s a beautiful thing watching your child perform and win. Whatever the level.

it’s a known thing that athletes struggle to transition at the end of high performance careers. Their support system also feels some of that sense of lack of identity and loss.

similar to if your dc wanted to be a doctor, for example, then dropped out the week before finals after nearly completing 5 years with top grades. You’d be gutted, especially if you’d committed time and money with school, uni fees, applications, tutors etc.

i am very angry with the “system” in sport that destroys young exceptional athletes for no good reason. Every medal GB gets in Paris there will be other kids just as good who have been stepped on to get a favourite few ahead. It’s an awful environment.

If it's any consolation, my aunt was in the running to represent her country in gymnastics until she gave it up aged 14. She's now in her 70s and doesn't regret her decision in the slightest. She went on to be a primary school teacher who very much enjoyed recreational sport, promoting active lifestyles and sport for all to her pupils, and is still very active.

Just think of the absolute misery of living life where you pick talent over joy - I've done that in past, and ultimately it rarely leads to success because the people who love what they doing are more driven to practice and improve.

Another mantra for me - talent over joy! Thank you everyone for these honest wise words. I also know just how lucky I am and could have so many more things to worry about

It sounds like it has only been a matter of months since your daughter made her decision (it sounds like it was the right one) and she has a plan in place.

What she is doing now is decompressing, by the sound of it. I wouldn't judge how the rest of her life is going to be based on what's going on right now, she's going to be growing a lot over the next few years. I know it's hard, but try to relax and trust her to find her way.

You didn't fail her. You empowered her to make her own calls and continue to support her even if you're not 100% ok with her decision. Aka you're bossing it ❤️

It's a difficult time for you OP. All my children have had a "thing" and I have seen this sort of scenario play out for quite a lot of their friends and their parents. I'm also a (volunteer) sports coach and have seen a substantial number of very good but not quite elite level athletes turn away from sport totally. You're not alone.
I haven't exactly experienced it myself but one of my DC is fairly talented musically but hasn't been near an instrument since he left school and is doing a completely unrelated degree now. The difference is that he always told us that he had no intention of it ever being more than a hobby and realistically I know that that was the right choice. He's good, but not exceptional and chasing a musical career would have been a miserable and probably ultimately thankless task. But I still get pangs of sadness that he has a talent that is now totally buried. However there's no obligation to use a talent just because you have it, especially not if it makes you unhappy, and we have to accept that.
When you have a talented child you invest a lot in their activity too. It takes up lots of your time, money, energy and in all likelihood a lot of your social life revolves around it too. When it ends, for whatever reason, there is a big hole in your life, and even if you recognise that the change is the right thing for your child you can still grieve the loss of something that was previously important to you both - the two things aren't mutually exclusive. I think it's ok to recognise that there is loss and sadness for you too, as long as you don't lose focus of your DD's well being as the most important thing.
She is still very young. She has plans for the future. This is a hiatus, she won't be painting her nails and sending snapchats forever. But if her sport has been as all consuming as I am imagining, she probably has a fair bit of catching up to do on being a regular teenager. She probably feels a bit lost too. But she needs to find what makes her happy - you can't do that for her. Right now, the whole family is probably feeling like things have been turned upside down and it sounds like her sporting journey came to quite an abrupt halt. She probably can't see any positives in it now but maybe one day you'll be sharing happy memories and she'll see transferable skills that she learned. But right now, things will be too raw and in all likelihood she needs some space and time to figure out who she is and where she's going. The answer is almost certainly time, for you both in fact.

Think of it as something not lost but gained: your daughter's well being, her ability to make tough choices, to exercise self care and not stay stuck out of a misplaced sense of duty. She has a good life, a new area of study, a boyfriend.
The only thing I might say, very casually, at some point, would be that some form of regular exercise is beneficial. Nothing excessive, maybe something fun or very different from what she did before, and she might want to explore some new fun ways to stay fit that are not competitive or all-consuming.

The OP sounds a bit like my late Mum. My parents spent time and a lot of money educating me and providing me with academic and performing arts opportunities, saying very openly that they wanted to give me choices. Then when I made my choice (marriage, many children and a decent but not showy career), my Mum whined that I’d thrown my choices away and wasted all their money. The sub-text was that they hadn’t been giving me choices, they had been investing in bragging rights to the high-flying, showy career they wished me to have.

Their loss… when, through my own work much later, I achieved the distinction in life that they wanted, I gave them a copy of the paper qualification, told them they’d finally got what they wanted, and to now get lost. That was pretty much the end of our relationship.

i would be worried if she had given up exercise but you mention the gym so that's not an issue. She has plans & ambitions which is fantastic.

My friend's teen was an extremely gifted gymnast - national squad, Olympic expectations etc but when she got an injury that took her out for 6 weeks she discovered she preferred her life like that & didn't go back after. I think being told she would have to train for at least 6 months before she'd be back at the level she had been at was part of it too but mostly she was just amazed by all this time she suddenly had to spend as she chose.

My friend found it very hard, she said it made her look at decisions she had made in order to support the gymnastics in a different light. All the times her other kids had had less because of it were a good decision when her daughter was going to the Olympics but suddenly when she wasn't she felt like maybe the decisions were wrong & she felt guilty about that.

But we make decisions with the information we have at the time. I'm sure you were very proud of your daughter's golf but I bet what you really want most is for her to be happy. "Ordinary" (nails & Snapchat) and happy beats remarkable every time.