Wise words please - dd17 given up her sport, ways to help me let go

[Superdupersquirrel]

Some wise words, mantras and things to help me keep things in perspective all appreciated!

all we want is for our children to find contentment, fulfilment, self esteem and confidence to go out into the world. My dd17 has gone through a traumatic time at college where she was studying her sport - she was very talented at it but I suspected for the last couple of years that it was a mostly hate, not often enough love relationship with it. After her college experience, she left (which was right for her overall wellbeing) but with it she’s completely turned her back on that sport and is now restarting college in sept to pursue a new direction in healthcare.

it means right now, she is mainly trying to fill her days with some part time work, on her phone, sometimes going to the gym and seeing her boyfriend (as well as helping round the house when I remind her!) she’s a wonderful person and I love her so much. But it’s not always easy and it’s hard to see her totally turn her back on all sport. We always promised ourselves we’d never push her but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it’s really disappointing. Especially when you see her spending so much time on her phone instead (probably no more than any of her peers but I still think it’s no good for them).

I know I need to let it go, she’s becoming a young woman - this may make me sound terrible but it just feels like the choices she’s making now, she’s just settling for the typical boyfriend, nails done, on Snapchat and I’d hoped for more for her.

im looking to your fabulous lot for some compassionate but real talk to help me let go and move on. For whatever reason I feel I’ve failed her

My son played football 8-18 with the same team. When they went to uni on,y 1 carried on with it (and not very seriously). Maybe there’s a need to draw a line in what we did as kids and what we do as adults?

I think you need to stop focusing on her. She sounds as if she has her new path and She’s going to be fine. You need to go and find some new interest for yourself. Go try Paddle boarding or scuba diving or glass fusing until you find something you find as interesting as watching your daughter play golf.

You are absolutely right, which is where part of me is relieved for her as from many directions, it is tough mentally. I think like many have said that it ends up taking up so much of your life that it’s a real adjustment when it stops (even when it’s for the best) I think an added dimension that has been sad is it’s the thing she and her dad could do together and that’s quite rare for a teen girl and their dad. He’s been great but definitely a bit heartbroken for that thing they don’t have now. But the great thing is it’s a skill she can pick up when she’s older and take her dad out for a game.

she was always talented at sports in general but the psychological aspect and the way we manage junior sport seems like you pay quite a heavy price to try and pursue it seriously. I think I thought I could help her do it in way that cut that crap but in the end it hard h less you are obsessed with it which isn’t that healthy really

I feel you on this OP its really tough -

could you separate out her quitting the sport from issues like spending too much time on her phone? yes she is becoming an adult but she isn't quite yet

could you sit down and say hey shall we both try to set some clearer limits on our phone - get her to look at how long she is spending on hers?

This might be of interest:

https://www.independent.ie/sport/golf/rory-mcilroy-i-wanted-to-quit-the-game-as-a-teenager/30469344.html

Ds very good at one niche sport. Had home nation trials. Went to college and just gave it up. However went to uni and started a completely new team sport and played for uni squad and a league team. He has found the joy in sport again. Thing is as parents we devote so much time and energy to helping with training, lifts it can feel a huge loss. She had left one sport, but if she loves sport she will find another and do it because it gives her joy without the pressure.

While she has chosen what looks to you like a more 'ordinary' life, it may just be a quiet time of readjusting and resting until another goal becomes clear, one that she will choose for herself, and which she will eventually pursue with vigour.

It sounds like it might now be time to realise some of your own dreams which might have been on hold as you supported DD with her sport.

My DC is in their late ish 20's now. Whilst at school and Uni they competed for them and for GB at a very intense sport but eventually illness and injury took their toll and they gave up. Took some time off and went back at club level and has re-found the joy. Has a great job and just bought a flat with partner. Great balance and still training around 9 times a week-because they choose it.

Some of their peers (age 28ish) are still "trying to make it" (not a sport that you can really be a professional) and they are still slogging along. None have "real jobs" lots try and coach at schools or parents help finance. Lots haven't made this Olympic cycle so will stick around to see who drops out and hope for the next one.
By that time they will be in their early 30's-having sacrificed so much of their 20's to the one goal. Which they may never achieve.

TBH your daughter sounds like she is making the right choice-so many do love it and if she doesn't there will be no amount of cajoling to make her want it.

I think in her initial decompression phase she can figure out how to do life without golf but I would def not let her linger too long and to focus on moving forward positively.

I'd also bet she does go back and plays for the joy in time.
Sounds like you have really hit the right note with support and letting her find her way.
Enjoy the free time!!!

Did she have any chance to be a professional athlete or was it just an expensive+stressful hobby? I guess the latter. At some point it's just not worth it anymore.

There was a point that it looked as if Pro was a possibility but her golf coach (who is amazing) said in the end, to deal with how relentless and brutal it can be, you’ve got to love it so much that the crap doesn’t get to you and in her 20 years coaching she has seen perhaps 1 or 2 out of hundreds that could pursue it without losing their
minds!

so its for good. and your DD is now pursuing a viable career path

In time your probably reflect it’s for the best to find out now she maybe didn’t have that killer instinct/selfish focus to win at highest level. But she will have learnt so so many life skills already from being involved in sport at a high level. My dd is the same age and tbh although I’m very proud of her I’m bit fed up of how her sporting commitments dictate so so much of our wider family life. I can’t wait till she can drive herself to training and the cost this year of competitions and travel is £,000s. Plus club politics impact training more than talent / commitment at times! I was actually hoping she would stop this year and focus on her A’Levels but she wants to carry on at the moment. Also My sister was a swimmer trained 6x a week morning and night but was told aged 16 she didn’t have the killer instinct to make GB squad she stopped swimming took a break but then spent her 20-30s working in swimming coaching/teaching, but never swam competitively after that trial.

Have been there. My DD17 played football to a decent level .. but pressure got too much and she gave up about 6 months ago. It went from something she lived for, to something making her anxious. I’m hoping that when she gets to uni she’ll pick it up again at a more ‘fun’ level. But yes, I miss watching her play .. I miss the training sessions and seeing her come off the field muddy and laughing. & I even miss the non-stop kit washing! Still have my DS playing too .. but maybe in a couple of years of that left too! (Oh and btw she still did her nails & lived her social life on Snap while she was playing!)

Hi, I'm a bit late to this thread but I also have a 17 dd who plays golf competitively at club and county level. What started out as an enjoyable hobby with her dad has taken over our lives. Don't get me wrong it has been fantastic for getting her out of the house and giving her a focus but I also so think it may now be hindering her opportunities to get a part-time job because of weekend commitments to team matches. As you will know a golf match or competition takes up a whole day sometimes more . It's a very intense environment and not just commitment from the the kids playing but also commitment from the parents who give up their whole weekends and summer to get them to the venues and support them which in itself can be gut wrenching if things aren't going well for them on the course. My daughter is showing no signs of wanting to stop playing but after a recent competition where she completely lost her head due to the mental pressure getting to her I have advised that she just plays for fun for a while.
Golf is a sport for life, hopefully your daughter will find her way back to it one day. In the meantime enjoy your free weekends!

We hope she finds her way back too but the reality is, she is so much happier now she has stopped playing. I think the difference was I don’t think she really wanted to play but had the ability so felt obligated to continue. So now it’s been a few months I can see she’s happier in herself for sure. I wish she’d found a way to play it and enjoy it but I think mindset and motivation is actually the biggest part of sport and if you try and force that, life is just miserable and that’s not what I want for her.

i hope your dd finds the joy in it too, it’s a pressure cooker at junior and county level for sure

I think it can very misleading, this notion of true passion & love, as if that’s all one needs for success. It’s far from truth and the truth is no matter how much one enjoys something, there are moments one feels less motivated.

Very true, even those that love it will have days when the clubs are destined for the bin! What I meant was mindset is crucial. I’ve seen many juniors with all the technique and physical ability in the world, but focus and mindset is what sets those that continue apart from the others. It’s a trickier thing to work on so unless you really love the game, you’re not going to do that. You have to see beyond the results and trust the process and if you don’t live it, then it’s just not that enjoyable

Read Andre Agassi auto biography. Then breathe a huge sign of relief that you are not putting your daughter through similar.

She might go back to it just for fun
I gave up horses for 10 years after I lost my horse, and went back to it
Now at 40 I've just gone back to netball

Interestingly I was talking to a multi Olympic medal winner yesterday and he told me that he has not done his sport at all since he retired and that that is pretty common. He said that as a serious athlete your sport is your job, and they generally see it much the same as the rest of us see our jobs, so when you're done, you're done. He's taken up other sports as hobbies because he wants to stay fit, but doesn't want to do a lower level of his sport "for fun" now anymore than most of us would want to spend our retirements doing a watered down version of our old jobs. I'd never really thought of it that way before but it makes sense and perhaps explains why lots of people who have been very heavily committed to a sport, even if not to Olympic standard, don't want to carry on with it at all when they stop pursuing it seriously. Finding a different activity altogether - one that genuinely can be just for fun - may actually be the best option.

I started to read the thread and just knew from the first post it was golf! We are a golfing family and my DS is a decent player. It is such a hard hard game! The ups and downs of it are unreal, one minute on the course it can all be going well, suddenly you have a bad swing and you rack up a big score on a hole and the competition is over. So mentally tough and there are soooo many good junior players. You definitely have to love it to be one of the best as it takes hours and hours of practice to be up there.

My DS, could be extremely good but he doesn't love it enough to put in the hours. So he plays for his junior team, club competitions and the odd open comp if it's a course he likes and plays for fun with his friends. I'm sure your DD will come back to it at some point and will probably be really successful at club level! It's a sport which can be played at all ages and she will have it for life!

Be proud of what she has achieved, and not upset about what she could have achieved in the future. Please, whatever you do, don't let your disappointment show. A sport like that can be taken up again in the future if she wants to, but for the time being, leave her be. She's had enough now.

My dd was a professional dancer whose career was brought to an abrupt end too soon (for reasons I won't go into here). It took her five years before she could even think about dancing again, but eventually she did, and now it is just for fun.

You're right about County level being a pressure cooker and knowing what we know now I'm relieved my dd didn't want to take it any higher despite having the potential. My dds meltdown on the course happened the same weekend as the pro golfer who took his own life and it really hit home to me. Nothing is more important then their mental well-being and happiness.

Thanks for replying, It's good to know your daughter is in a happy place and there is life after golf.

I can totally relate to your post about how hard the game is and how you can be playing your absolute best then all of a sudden it all unravels. I don't play myself but I've watched my dd go through it and it's heart wrenching.

I agree their are some amazing junior players out there. The standard is very high.
It has been a great sport for getting her out in the fresh air though and she loves getting a golf tan. 😄

My daughter took her grade 5 piano at 15, got a distinction and gave up. She never really got a lot of joy from playing, it was just a support to her other musical activities. She never played for pleasure and we felt, with all her other interests it was her own decision. I feel sad that the piano no longer gets played and miss hearing her play but it was her decision and I respect that.

Haven't RTFT but wanted to suggest Nile Wilson's TedTalk. Be thankful for 'normal' because it can be much better than 'exceptional'.