Is this normal 13 year old behaviour?

[DrSeuss84]

I have a 13 year old DD. We sailed through the toddler years with about 3 tantrums total. She’s been the child who is sunshine and laughter and always well behaved.

Since she turned 13 it feels like we have hit the mother of all hormone storms.

she will have a huge emotional outburst over something trivial….. I mean the “I hate my life” “you’re so mean” “no one cares about me” and the Today she dropped the f bomb! I’m getting Sass and sarcasm daily.

I feel like all I do is tell her off, take away privileges and argue back and forth.

She was the one who followed all the rules and never put a foot wrong.

she can fly out the room shouting “I hate my life I hate everyone” and literally come dancing down the stairs 15 minutes later with a smile on her face like nothing happened and ask if o I want to go get ice cream?!!

Is this normal? Am I doing something horribly wrong? Will it ever go back to normal?

I feel like I’m loosing my sanity.

@DrSeuss84

Yes it's normal behaviour to certain extant

You need to put in robust healthy boundaries

Obviously it's essential for your emotionally well being that you look after yourself too,

Have you got enough of support behind you to lean into too ?

quality friends and family members ypu need...

Yes that sounds fairly normal to me.

Normal, sadly!!

@DrSeuss84

You need to ensure you have your own interests and hobbies create a life outside your home too,

Its essential to keep your sanity for sure..

@DrSeuss84
You *

Typo mistake ...

Yes, it is normal behaviour but does come as a shock if she’s always been easygoing up until now. Her job is to detach from you to become her own individual person. At this age, she does this by pushing you away and rejecting your values and forming her own.

I would not accept any rudeness in the way she speaks to you - calmly pull her up each time and say I do not tolerate being spoken to like that. You can then withdraw privileges if she continues being rude. Try and not be drawn into any arguments and let the small things slide. Also try and connect whenever possible such as watching something together, shopping, hot chocolate etc. I found forcing time together didn’t work but I just asked if they wanted to do xyz and occasionally they said yes. Now they come to me and ask to do things.

Stop arguing with a hormonal teenager. If she's upset, tell her you understand and she is more than welcome to go stomp about her room and scream into a pillow, but disrespectful behaviour will not be tolerated.

Please do not go along with the nonsense that all teens are horrible and you just have to put up with them being rude and nasty to you. This is bollocks. Teens need boundaries and guidance, not that dissimilar to toddlers. They have a lot in common in terms of learning how to manage very, very big emotions. You need to be a good role model and a parent, not a friend. Teens need to know very clearly that they are responsible for their behaviour even when very upset, and that how they choose to behave can have consequences.

Normal ime. When dd has an outburst I give her time to calm down, then say to her I appreciate you are angry/sad/whatever but I find that sort of behaviour very upsetting. When you are ready to talk about it, I’m downstairs.
I never shout or get angry as it just results in a horrible positive feedback loop where we both get more and more angry.
I try really hard to model dealing with my own emotions differently. I get cross but don’t lash out and apologise after.

And agree with no to lack of respect. I always apologise and expect dd to do same.

Oh you're good. Thank you for that advice. I'm having slightly similar with DD 12.

I went through exactly this with my daughter. I let most of it go because I felt that if I snapped back or punished her, it would only escalate things, and I felt it was important that she didn't see me as the enemy.

Occasionally, if her rudeness had really upset me, I would tell her, and she was always very sorry.

I honestly believe that most teenagers don't realise how rude they're being or how much they might be upsetting you.

She's 18 now and it feels very much as if we've come out the other side - she's great company and very considerate.

When my daughter was that age I tried my best remember how fucking hard it is being a pre-teen/teen. It can be pretty bloody awful! The emotional ups and downs, starting your periods. It's a mess.

Agree with PPs above - there is no excuse for rude or disrespectful behaviour and this shouldn’t be tolerated. Is there a chance she is rebelling against those expectations of her as she tries to branch out - does she feel pressure to be that well-behaved, easygoing, cheerful girl all the time? (Not saying you are putting that pressure on her, it’s easily to feel the weight of the world as a teen!)

They test boundaries and you have to put them firmly in place. Not during a lashing out but when calm you need to say that the house isn’t part of a teenage tv drama and that way of speaking isn’t okay.

i have a 16yo who tried a massive strip including throwing things around her room once… I calmly walked in and said “absolutely not, no! Tidy your room and come down when you’re ready but we’re not living like this.” Dd did tidy them come down, hug me, burst into tears and I hugged her, said I don’t want to see that behaviour again and she said she didn’t like it either and all was calm. Dtds are 12 (almost 13) and I don’t think they will be so easy… dd3 recently said she hates me, I’ve ruined her life and she’s going to kill herself - I took her phone as a consequence for hitting her sister and this ruined her snap streak 🙄

That said, it’s not a normal thing in our house so that was unusual and dh was shocked but I told him not to rise to the drama then spoke with dd3 later that day when she was calmer. They sometimes struggle to control emotions but that doesn’t mean they can be rude/swear/break stuff.

I do offer hugs if they ever need help calming down. Even if l am angry with them, I’m clear that a hug to help them calm isn’t forgiveness. That only comes with a genuine apology.

i think it’s important for teens to feel you like being with them and you like who they are. (I may have different thoughts when dtds are 15/16… they do love to throw in a few curve balls).

Totally normal. Your lovely girl will be back again…eventually. I would suggest ignore what can be ignore, save your battles, do fun things with her and tell her you love her everyday, with a cuddle, if she will let you.

Thank you @Aquamarine1029 it's good to try to remember how hard it is for them, even when it's hard and upsetting for you.

I think normal, unfortunately.
I am horrified and embarassed when I think about the way 13 year old me spoke to my poor Mum.
It'll only last a few more years...
Then she will realise how fab you actually are!

Unfortunately I deal with most things on my own. We don’t have any family who live near us. My husband is emotionally supportive but he is disabled and struggling with his Heath.

she also has Tourette’s and that has become much worse since starting secondary school. I think the tics are exhausting her. She seems to bottle everything up and then take it out on me.

She is also extremely clingy so I get very little time alone. I go to bed when she goes (because I’m exhausted) and get up when she does to do the school run. So it feels like there isn’t much of a break.

Thank you, it is really reassuring. It always feels better knowing someone else has been there and come out the other side!

Enjoy the positive moments when you can, YES. That is normal. You will never enjoy them at all unless you master this skill.

Tell them when they are upsetting you too much to tolerate "How would you feel if I spoke to YOU like that" often brings them up short.

I used to compare DD to the sea. Sometimes raging, sometimes placid. Rapid transitions. I was the seaside cliff. My role to just be there immutable & unresponsive to either extreme, at all times. Utterly reliable for her, whatever her state.

What is not normal is that you had such an easy child so far. I am not saying "bad not normal" but you can be grateful for the easy time you had so far.

A friend who is a psychologist gave me really good advice.

You can't actually 'make' a teen who is behaving like this do what you want or behave in the right way.

All you can do is keep focusing on building connection while having certain boundaries.

So - what can you control? You can't control how your child 'feels' -

So I do try to remember that if I constantly punish/ control/ talk about what the child is doing wrong - I will be wearing away at our connection.

its very hard tbh i am not speaking from a position of getting this right! its just something I try to remember - ie not sweating the small stuff and feel compassion to how they are feeling.

Thank you everyone I have added this to my 'parenting teens' note!! Mine are 11 and 9 so I can't help OP but handhold from future me as I will remember you when I hear my first "I hate my life"

One approach that seems to work quite well on more minor things is telling them that what they are going through is totally normal and that it is because they are becoming their own independent person. Perhaps also giving them more responsibility as a result. 'I can really see you are frustrated that you don't have a clean top and it is great you are wanting to look nice to meet up with your friends. I remember getting frustrated with my parents over similar issues and it is really annoying for you. I think now might be a good time for you to start doing your own washing because you are becoming a more independent person and then you know what you have which is clean. I can still wash your school clothes for you.

It works on a couple of levels. Firstly it helps them to understand the context for why they are having these extreme swings and getting annoyed over something which they objectively know is trivial. Secondly they find it really hard to stomp when they are being told by you that it is good that they are developing their independence and developing their own ideas and opinions. Nothing like a parent approving of behaviour to make it seem less appealing.

Obviously you don't use this approach for more extreme behaviour or things which are affecting their or others safety.

If you like reading parenting books, I recommend Untangled by Lisa Damour about parenting a teen girl.