Is it grooming

[tabbii]

My 15 year old daughter has been with her boyfriend (16 years)for just over 2months. (I didn't know about him for the first month, only found out about him by chance as she had been staying over at his house whilst she was meant to be at a friends) I had always been very trusting of her up until her lying but we had a chat and she promised never to lie to me again. During this time she has become more and more distant, down and withdrawn, when asked about it she would say she was just tired. Well it's been really niggling me over the past few weeks as she just isn't herself, so as much as it goes against everything I believe, I decided to look at the text messages sent between him and her. I am so shocked and worried for her. I found out that she had sex with him in the first few weeks, which I'm not happy about but I can accept. The worrying parts in the messages are that he has been giving her vapes to get high, when he has sex with her. He tells her she can't have a go on the vape in exchange for sexual acts or she can have banned cigarette after she's had sex with him. And she seems like she really wants the vapes and cigarettes. He tells her multiple times a day how much he loves her and how he can't wait to do things to her and see her again. He's also been pestering her to have unprotected sex which she has said no to luckily. It seems that he makes her worry about him as he says he hasn't eaten all day or that he's fed up with the way people treat him. He keeps telling her that I'm overprotective and that she can move in with him as soon as she's old enough and there's nothing I can do about. He's been to my house to visit her multiple times and I thought he was a nice lad but something was always niggling me as my daughter isn't acting herself. Sorry for the long post.Please can anyone give me advice as I'm worried out of mind and don't want to push her further towards him. She seems addicted to him. She's on her phone constantly to him. Is it grooming? Or am I overthinking things?

This sounds really concerning. My dd was in a relationship for 10 months and I also noticed a change in her which lasted around 6 months before they broke up. It was a different situation but it got to the point where he was upsetting her so much that she was violently sick and she couldn’t hide it from me any longer. I convinced her to break up with him which resulted in a lengthy police case and a restraining order. He is still around now to some extent but she does not have the same feelings she did in the beginning. I’m hoping they will just drift apart as their lives are so different.
I think it’s hard telling them what is so obvious to you and even harder not letting on how much you know from reading her texts. I might not be right but I would have a lot of conversations with her about healthy relationships and how they should make you feel and about setting boundaries. I would also try and limit how much time they can spend together so they don’t become overly attached. im assuming she’s just about to take her GCSEs, so maybe this is a good excuse to keep them apart and keep her focused on her future.

Thanks for the reply. I have already tried to talk to her about healthy relationships as soon as I found out she had a boyfriend and she tells me he's not like other boys(interested in one thing)and she's happy with him. She's in year ten at the moment and I have tried to keep her busy with revision as much as I can but she will only do a couple of hours a night 3 or 4 nights a week. If I try to push things with to try and stop her communicating with him as much, she gets angry and it ends in an argument. I've been trying to hold my tongue as much as possible because I don't want to weaken our relationship further.

I think speaking from experience as a mum of boys there’s very little you can do to stop her choosing the wrong things, if she feels old enough to have sex she has to be responsible enough to do it safely so maybe you could speak to her about the options, you will NEVER get anybody to stop seeing someone by disliking them - it almost becomes a catalyst to encourage it,
It is all part of growing up and I’ve had dreadful times with my sons about it although by the third one I’d learnt the hard way and he too had learnt from his brothers mistakes so it was a much easier situation.
I think if I were you as a mum of a daughter I’d be pushing for a contraceptive so long term implications are minimal.

I've already tried to speak to her as soon as I found out she had a boyfriend about contraception. I offer to take her to the gp but she has refused point blank to go on the pill or implant as she doesn't want the side effects. I've tried to explain the pro outweigh the cons but she's having non of it. I also have offered to buy her condoms when she was ready for sex as it was a very new relationship but said she wasn't ready for that type of relationship which was all lies.

Just keep talking. I lied through my teeth about ‘articles’ I read and relationships friends had when I was younger, mostly while driving so it didn’t feel too forced.
I always told her I trusted her to make good choices so it didn’t seem like I was having a dig. I also chose never to have a strong reaction even if I wanted to scream at her.
another thing that helped was making sure my dd did not lose her identity. A lot of talks we had were about keeping a balance and not letting a boy become the centre of her world. If they break up and her life revolves around him, it will hurt so much more and be hard to get back on her feet. She needs to believe that her life will be wonderful with or without him and more she invests in herself the more valuable she will become. I know it’s seems a bit narcissistic but at this age it’s good to instill self worth. Hopefully she will then see she deserves better and raise her standards.
Also, please make sure she doesn’t neglect her friendships, if she doesn’t want to open up to you it’s important that she has someone she can talk to.

Thanks for the reply, I'll try and talk to her again and tell her about some relationships that friends have been in. I'll try and make sure she knows how amazing she is and build herself esteem up. The sad thing is that she doesn't like to talk to her friends about relationships and feelings and also her best friend and her have been falling out a lot recently over boyfriends, so it's difficult. Hopefully I can do enough. I feel like she's taking an emotional battering at the moment and she's clinging on to him unfortunately.

Hopefully your daughter's boyfriend uses condoms. Regarding the vapes, I honestly didn't know they gave a 'high', people say they are harmless. I doubt they would be so popular if they didn't do anything and there are specialist vape shops around in high streets and online. The idea is that they help smokers to give it up, I doubt either your daughter or her boyfriend have been regularly smoking tobacco.

This phase will pass, op, honestly.

Thanks for the reply I think he has been but only from what I can make out from the text messages. Apparently you get weed in fused ones and also he has been smoking/ using weed for 6 years but now also vapes. I'm hoping it'll pass soon as well but I can't just sit back and watch it happen. I'm so worried for my daughter but she thinks I'm just being overbearing and nosey.

How old is this boy to have been using tobacco and weed for six years? Quite a bit older than your girl, I would think.

He is 16&half but he says in his messages that he been smoking cigarettes and weed for 6 years. So I guess since about 10.

No advice but been in a similiar situation with my dd- v v toxic relationship. Hardest thing and it can destroy their self esteem . Because it was so destructive and I stopped trusting her - where she was etc, we had many many rows and it severely damaged our relationship. I don’t know what to advise you. Probably what above poster said about not shouting at her however bad her decision making appears to be so she feels she can talk to you when she needs too. V tough times x

I work on safeguarding in education and there are some safeguarding red flags here, not least that she legally can't consent to sexual contact if she is under the influence.
She is at risk of exploitation (have a look at the 'boyfriend model' of exploitation) where young men can also be groomed by perpetrators to introduce teenage girls to older friends who will exploit them.
Ìn my area I would be referring to the local safeguarding hub for some early intervention to help her understand the risks and build her self esteem. You could contact your school's DSL to ask them for their advice in what support is available in your area.
However you might be reluctant to do this as it takes the control over what happens next out of your hands and this might affect your relationship with dd. As Previous poster suggested, so you might want to instigate lots of casual chats with dd as a way of giving her advice on safety and healthy relationships.
Loverespect is a website run by women's aid which gives advice on healthy relationships to teenage girls.
For the posters asking about vapes, THC vapes are becoming a more common issue with young people and can be hard to identify as they don't have a distinctive smell or taste. They carry extra health risk as they are not legal in the UK so won't meet safety standards. Often sold under the counter in dodgy vape shops and newsagents.

Oh god, I feel your pain. We went through a similar situation with my eldest (step) daughter when she was sixteen. He was clearly very controlling and it was like watching a car crash that we could do nothing about. She didn't want to listen and the stark realisation that you can't reason with a teenager who thinks she's in love hit home. It almost tore my family apart. My wife was distraught and it took all my powers of negotiation to prevent her older brothers taking matters into their own hands. It was tempting to just let them but I knew that would just drive her away from us.

Whatever you do, keep communication open between the two of you. Talk to her but don't lecture or try and dictate because you will lose one way or another. You need to keep her trusting you so that, as and when she needs to, she feels she can come to you. One thing I did that I've been told since actually made a difference was I got her to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I didn't give it to her because that wouldn't have worked. I just read it myself and left it lying around and her curiosity eventually got the better of her.

Thanks for the reply. I'm trying my best to not be confrontational. I think I'm going to have to show her that I trust her but also try and keep an eye on her as best I can. I'll try and give her information about healthy relationships by letting her know what is and isn't healthy from stories from 'my past' and hopefully she'll come to me when she needs to talk/ get advice. I'll try and keep communications open. Hopefully I can build her confidence and esteem back up and she'll make better choices when she's feeling better about herself. I love her so much, it really hurts to see her making these choice but I know if I try to stop her I'll loose her even more.

More likely he is older than 16 1/2 OP.

Thanks everyone I will look into your suggestions. Hopefully things will get better. It's so scary as he's a lovely lad to talk to, you wouldn't think that there was any chance he would be like that but just noticing the change in my daughter made me eventually check her text messages. Hopefully with a little more love and attention along with some subtle advice she'll see him in the light his messages have shown him to me.

I also suspect it's not vapes or weed she is smoking. Whether she knows this or not is a different question. Speak with 'Dan' they have an advice line for parents I believe.

I think people add cannabis oil into vapes and you can buy them like that.

Also your DC may well be very addicted to nicotine by now, unfortunately. It happens so very quickly. Maybe she should have her own vapes so as not to have to pay him with sex to get them, awful as that sounds.

How horrible he is! No wonder she is depressed.

But there has been lots of good advice here about appearing calm and neutral; building her self esteem; encouraging her other interests; not letting g her life begin and end with him ( another reason to watch out if she is addicted to nicotine so has to see him to get vapes).

Someone who uses vapes may become addicted to nicotine and find it difficult to stop using it. You can become addicted to nicotine within days of starting to use it, even if you only vape occasionally.
www.nhsinform.scot › vaping
Vaping addiction soon takes hold | NHS inform

With nicotine addiction a lot if the time, when you aren’t getting the nicotine, you can feel depressed.

Article about links between vaping and depression.

truthinitiative.org/research-resources/targeted-communities/3-ways-vaping-affects-mental-health

Thanks, although it would be a good idea to get her her own vape, she denies even trying vapes, so I'm at a loss that way.

Cannibis oils won't get you high. Consider that she might be smoking crack OP. That will make her high, out of it and lose sexual inhibitions. Also highly addictive.

Obviously I'd prefer her not be vaping at all.

Yes, my apologies, as I forgot the aspect that makes mentioning vapes too difficult.

I'd be worried what he is putting in the vape. Could be beyond cannabis.

What is a THC infused vape?
+HHCP (hexahydrocannabiphorol) is a psychoactive semi-synthetic cannabinoid that is produced from industrial hemp – cannabidiol (CBD). HHCP is not naturally present in cannabis plants, it is obtained in the laboratory. HHCP is a lot stronger than other THC cannabinoids and equal strength to THC-P as the HHC equivalent.*

This is “How to vape weed.”
https://vaping360.com/search/