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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is it grooming

39 replies

tabbii · 07/05/2024 12:43

My 15 year old daughter has been with her boyfriend (16 years)for just over 2months. (I didn't know about him for the first month, only found out about him by chance as she had been staying over at his house whilst she was meant to be at a friends) I had always been very trusting of her up until her lying but we had a chat and she promised never to lie to me again. During this time she has become more and more distant, down and withdrawn, when asked about it she would say she was just tired. Well it's been really niggling me over the past few weeks as she just isn't herself, so as much as it goes against everything I believe, I decided to look at the text messages sent between him and her. I am so shocked and worried for her. I found out that she had sex with him in the first few weeks, which I'm not happy about but I can accept. The worrying parts in the messages are that he has been giving her vapes to get high, when he has sex with her. He tells her she can't have a go on the vape in exchange for sexual acts or she can have banned cigarette after she's had sex with him. And she seems like she really wants the vapes and cigarettes. He tells her multiple times a day how much he loves her and how he can't wait to do things to her and see her again. He's also been pestering her to have unprotected sex which she has said no to luckily. It seems that he makes her worry about him as he says he hasn't eaten all day or that he's fed up with the way people treat him. He keeps telling her that I'm overprotective and that she can move in with him as soon as she's old enough and there's nothing I can do about. He's been to my house to visit her multiple times and I thought he was a nice lad but something was always niggling me as my daughter isn't acting herself. Sorry for the long post.Please can anyone give me advice as I'm worried out of mind and don't want to push her further towards him. She seems addicted to him. She's on her phone constantly to him. Is it grooming? Or am I overthinking things?

OP posts:
DrJonesIpresume · 07/05/2024 21:46

They are close in age so some might say it is not quite 'grooming' as such; but it is certainly coercive control.

BodyKeepingScore · 07/05/2024 21:46

Hairyfairy01 · 07/05/2024 21:11

Cannibis oils won't get you high. Consider that she might be smoking crack OP. That will make her high, out of it and lose sexual inhibitions. Also highly addictive.

Weed vapes do get you high though. They're fairly easy to get hold of.

Hairyfairy01 · 07/05/2024 22:15

DrJonesIpresume · 07/05/2024 21:46

They are close in age so some might say it is not quite 'grooming' as such; but it is certainly coercive control.

I think it's more likely he's lying about his age than been smoking / vaping or whatever since he was 10. I'm genuinely shocked at the naivety of this post. I hope I am totally wrong OP, but I would be very concerned about this whole situation..

DrJonesIpresume · 07/05/2024 22:20

Hairyfairy01 · 07/05/2024 22:15

I think it's more likely he's lying about his age than been smoking / vaping or whatever since he was 10. I'm genuinely shocked at the naivety of this post. I hope I am totally wrong OP, but I would be very concerned about this whole situation..

Show quote history

Easy to check his age though, by finding out which school year he's in. If she's 15 and he's 16 then he should be in the year above.

Singleandproud · 07/05/2024 22:23

Is she vulnerable in any way other than her age?

I would be ringing school and asking for a face to face with her pastoral lead and the safeguarding officer. I would want to know how she is at school and they can then signpost her onto specific services for children at risk of sexual exploitation and/or abusive relationships. She is likely to take interventions better from school than just 'boring ol' mum's and they'll be able to do it in a way that doesn't pinpoint you've tipped them off.

My concerns would be that he is much older than he says, that he's using substances on her, trying to isolate her from you and the potential for any overlapping with county lines, often they bring girlfriends in and do all sorts of things you don't want to think about aspart of the gang.

WhenWillTheSunShineIWonder · 07/05/2024 22:48

I’d speak to the school,safeguarding lead in confidence. Isn’t she under the age of sexual consent anyway, so what he is doing (having sex with her) is illegal surely? There are a lot of red flags here and you’re right to be worried and I would act to protect her to be honest. What the hell is he giving her to smoke, we’re all just guessing here but could be anything, but is a drug of some description or other. I’d do something, even knowing the risk to your relationship.

WarningOfGails · 08/05/2024 06:55

We had a situation with DD in a coercive relationship with a boy 3 years older, was fairly destructive for her. I think my biggest mistake was fighting her about it. It destroyed our relationship & trust, & got us nowhere. School & safeguarding didn’t really achieve anything much, DD denied everything. The second time police were involved it did seem to scare him off, although again DD denied everything. This was after a year.

I don’t know what I would do if we were there again, possibly get her in to counselling earlier in the hopes she is talking to somebody… but DD knew that certain information would be safeguarding referral so withheld it. Just try and keep that thread of your connection alive.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/05/2024 07:13

Did your daughter watch any TV with you? I've been watching married at first sight and it's really easy to see signs of unhealthy relationships. I wish it had been around when my daughter was in her teens. if she just watch TV with you then perhaps we can recommend some programs that talk about this sort of thing.

My daughter had a bad relationship at the same age and I found it really terrifying. I'm really sorry for you. Stopping any pregnancy has to be the goal though.

LRT88 · 29/05/2024 15:19

this is grooming. He is buying her things for sexual favours. I know it is "normal" for girls to have sex before 16 but lets not forget she is a minor and therefore it is statutory rape. He also sounds like a narcissist by saying he isn't eating etc so she thinks "ill look after him" he is also already trying to persuade her to move in with him, which DV perps are very well known for. They will push their victims away from friends and family so they are alone and have no one to turn too. Forcing her to end things may not work but saying he can come round and you prefer they met in your house would be better. I would also look at CEASE on Remedi website. I use to work for them, it talks about red flags in relationships and aimed for teens.

jianlai · 30/05/2025 04:30

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GDPhoridFlies · 30/05/2025 04:39

I’d be calling that boy’s parents and having her take a pregnancy test ASAP on the basis of being tired all the time and having had sex alone. Do everything you can to get him away from her, and repair your relationship with her later!

PoopingAllTheWay · 30/05/2025 04:58

OP, Do not buy your child a vape

Look up popcorn lung

101Alsatians · 30/05/2025 05:19

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Do you think you 'beating' him is acceptable? Or beating anyone?

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 30/05/2025 06:39

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Nice ad. Reported.

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