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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Theft ‘accusation’ by dd’s friend’s parents

46 replies

PrincessLeia21 · 07/05/2024 00:01

Our daughter has a very good, close friend. Both aged 13.
She has returned from their house and said that over dinner the friend’s parent said that something very serious had happened- his wife had had some of her jewellery go missing from her bedroom. Boxes left behind but jewellery inside missing.
he told dd another friend who was having dinner that if whoever had taken it didn’t own up he would involve the police next week, take statements and fingerprints etc.
said he has a list of 6 people who had access to their house and it must be one of them.
I feel extremely upset that he has had the audacity to confront our Dd with such a serious accusation without speaking to us first. My feeling is that if he thinks he has been the victim of a crime report it to the police and let them do their job rather than inappropriately confronting children.
their house appears messy and they have adult children & partners living there too. I wondered if the jewellery could have mislaid but DD says not. It’s been taken but the boxes left behind.
last year DD found an eyeliner in the changers at school. Didn’t know who it belonged to so she pocketed it. The girl who it belonged to saw her with it and confronted her. DD says she didn’t want to give it back at first, but eventually did. Her first reaction was to lie that it was hers. Parents got involved but by the time they messaged me (amicably), DD had apologised and given it back. She got a right royal rollicking from us. Because of this, I have asked her point blank if she has taken this jewellery and she says absolutely not.
despite them accusing DD and other friend, they were happy to have both kids stay over this weekend which seems odd to me if you suspect one of them is a thief!
dd doesn’t want me to speak to the Dad. The friendship is very important to her.
But I feel that something is ‘off’ about it and I feel it was inappropriate of him to speak to her in this way. Advice?

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 07/05/2024 00:22

Personally I wouldn't be letting her stay over there again.

WaitingForMojo · 07/05/2024 00:25

I wouldn’t either, even though dd will obviously be very upset about it. I wouldn’t let her go round there at all

sunnydaysanddaydreams · 07/05/2024 00:29

Yeah your daughter shouldn't be going there again at all, not just staying over, can the friend come to yours instead?

goldenretrievermum5 · 07/05/2024 00:33

Absolutely you need to speak to the dad whether your DD likes it or not. It is not a home I’d ever let her be in again, he sounds like a loose canon. Unfortunately this may have friendship consequences but you need to protect her first and foremost

Changethenamey · 07/05/2024 00:37

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be allowing my DD over again either. However, I can kind of understand why the dad has done this (trying to scare the thief into putting back the jewellery) He of course doesn’t know your daughter as well as you so he has no idea if she is a thief - and as far as he is concerned she has a history of it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/05/2024 00:38

Completely inappropriate. Even in the (unlikely) event that your daughter is the culprit, she would have a responsible adult with her for questioning at a police station.

FWIW, I found a hair slide at school when I was young and swore blind that it was mine when the real owner said it was hers. Never in a million years would I have stolen from her parents’ home!

Efh · 07/05/2024 00:40

stayathomegardener · 07/05/2024 00:22

Personally I wouldn't be letting her stay over there again.

Not staying over or going over IMO.

caringcarer · 07/05/2024 01:39

Efh · 07/05/2024 00:40

Not staying over or going over IMO.

Show quote history

This.

kiwiane · 07/05/2024 01:52

They’re not safe for your daughter to be around if they can pull this stunt. I’m afraid I wouldn’t let her go there again and I would be speaking to the man about his behaviour.

KomodoOhno · 07/05/2024 03:45

Agree with everyone. No sleeping over No going over.

FloofyBear · 07/05/2024 07:00

God how awful, big step back and dont let her go to their home again

Maddy70 · 07/05/2024 07:03

All he has done is ask them if they have it to return it he didnt accuse them. He said they were one of 6 people who could have taken it

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 07/05/2024 07:18

Maddy70 · 07/05/2024 07:03

All he has done is ask them if they have it to return it he didnt accuse them. He said they were one of 6 people who could have taken it

he told dd another friend who was having dinner that if whoever had taken it didn’t own up he would involve the police next week, take statements and fingerprints etc. He also said this, which would be anxiety inducing for a lot of kids that age. He's an adult male who's not related to them or a close family friend or teacher and this could easily come across as aggressive or intimidating to young girls. He handled this very poorly and I would not be happy for some parent to treat my DD like this.

DrJoanAllenby · 07/05/2024 07:55

The accusation wouldn't bother me if the father is addressing a group of visitors and is engineering a way to make the thief cough up the stolen goods before police are called.

But, where does it go from there? On the next visit will she be individually interrogated?

Or is the real thief an adult and will manipulate the situation and plant something stolen in a bag or coat pocket as a way to make someone else look like the thief.

I would not be allowing my daughter back to the house given that there is a thief in their family and friends.

Or it's entirely possible that it's an insurance scam.

Bluetoe · 07/05/2024 07:59

It sounds like even you think there's a possibility it was DD though?

He should have let you know what was going on, but I don't think it's unreasonable to be saying "look, we know it was one of you..."

PurpleBugz · 07/05/2024 08:00

I'm confused what the problem is. He's giving the theory a chance to return it before involving the police. He's not accused your dd he's said there is a list of people it could have been. Maybe he could have spoken to you instead of dd but she's 13 not 3 and I wouldn't have a problem with this being sait to my dd. If your dd didn't steal it then she doesn't need to worry does she

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 07/05/2024 09:56

Who is he Miss Marple?

OneWorldly4 · 07/05/2024 10:10

DrJoanAllenby · 07/05/2024 07:55

The accusation wouldn't bother me if the father is addressing a group of visitors and is engineering a way to make the thief cough up the stolen goods before police are called.

But, where does it go from there? On the next visit will she be individually interrogated?

Or is the real thief an adult and will manipulate the situation and plant something stolen in a bag or coat pocket as a way to make someone else look like the thief.

I would not be allowing my daughter back to the house given that there is a thief in their family and friends.

Or it's entirely possible that it's an insurance scam.

This were my thoughts too. A scam? They have adults and partners there. That's where I would start.

My DD would never set foot in that house again. Its hard because its her friend, so let her friend know she can come to yours, or they can meet elsewhere. Anywhere but back in that house.

lto2019 · 07/05/2024 10:47

I think he is trying to scare one of the children/teenagers into returning the jewellery if it is one of them because he knows in reality the police will do nothing. There is no way that they will finger printing and at best will give a crime number. The police would have no proof that the jewellery was ever there.

He has handled it badly but if they have had stuff stolen it would be galling to think it was someone who was a visitor. I would contact them and say you are unhappy with the way it was handled, you understand they are upset though and you suggest they do contact the police.

I also would not let my daughter visit the house let alone stay over. I would welcome the other child to mine and if your daughter questions your decision - just explain - that you are protecting her from any further suspicion - end of.

I do think finding an eyeliner, not knowing who it belonged to and then denying she pocketed it is very different to deliberately stealing jewellery from a friend's house.

CosyLemur · 08/05/2024 16:47

Tbh I think the Dad is being kind; if any jewellery of mine had gone missing I'd be calling the police straight away - not saying "if it's returned by X date I won't involve the police"

It sounds like you think it could be your DD

Missfabulousat50 · 08/05/2024 16:48

This happened my son when he was around 13,a very expensive watch went missing at his friends house and my son was accused of taking it,turns out it was the older brother,no apology to my son or too me when i phoned to give off to them. I felt that it was because i was a single parent from a council estate and they were very well off that he was the easy option instead of looking closer to home. My son never set foot in their house again and rhe friendship died

Daisypod · 08/05/2024 17:16

The police obviously won't do anything and this dad is just trying to frighten the culprit into returning what could be very sentimental jewellery. I can't believe so many people are so upset about it, wouldn't bother me, kids need to learn that stealing is not acceptable and affects people who have had things stolen.
Another example of kids these days being completely coddled!

Normalweirdo · 08/05/2024 17:35

Your daughter wasn't that upset by the accusations and stayed the night but to be fair going home then or stopping going without explanation could cast more suspicion her way.
The house sounds quite chaotic; I don't think letting her sleep over was a great decision in the first place.

I'd probably contact the dad and ask for more information in as friendly a way as I could muster and then explain my decision to not let her stay over (saying for now but meaning forever) until the situation is resolved. Even if she's not guilty you don't want her mixing with anyone capable of theft from a friend's home/family.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 08/05/2024 17:53

I'm surprised at a lot of these responses to be often. Not least that this could be "anxiety inducing" well, yes. Are we to shield our children from any negative emotions? As the daughter hasn't taken it, then she has nothing to fear, does she?

If this were me I'd probably contact the parents but to offer commiserations, tell them I'd asked my daughter and was confident she wasn't the culprit. I would support them in going to the police as well, although I'd draw the line at finger printing my 13 year old who'd said it wasn't her.

No I would not be upset the way the dad handled this - in fact, I think he was remarkably restrained. He could have had the police waiting for the girls when they got there.

MissyB1 · 08/05/2024 18:00

Their house sounds chaotic and the father sounds weird, no way would I be letting my kid stay there again. Trust your gut instinct OP, you are right there’s something “off” about it all.

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