Theft ‘accusation’ by dd’s friend’s parents

[PrincessLeia21]

Our daughter has a very good, close friend. Both aged 13.
She has returned from their house and said that over dinner the friend’s parent said that something very serious had happened- his wife had had some of her jewellery go missing from her bedroom. Boxes left behind but jewellery inside missing.
he told dd another friend who was having dinner that if whoever had taken it didn’t own up he would involve the police next week, take statements and fingerprints etc.
said he has a list of 6 people who had access to their house and it must be one of them.
I feel extremely upset that he has had the audacity to confront our Dd with such a serious accusation without speaking to us first. My feeling is that if he thinks he has been the victim of a crime report it to the police and let them do their job rather than inappropriately confronting children.
their house appears messy and they have adult children & partners living there too. I wondered if the jewellery could have mislaid but DD says not. It’s been taken but the boxes left behind.
last year DD found an eyeliner in the changers at school. Didn’t know who it belonged to so she pocketed it. The girl who it belonged to saw her with it and confronted her. DD says she didn’t want to give it back at first, but eventually did. Her first reaction was to lie that it was hers. Parents got involved but by the time they messaged me (amicably), DD had apologised and given it back. She got a right royal rollicking from us. Because of this, I have asked her point blank if she has taken this jewellery and she says absolutely not.
despite them accusing DD and other friend, they were happy to have both kids stay over this weekend which seems odd to me if you suspect one of them is a thief!
dd doesn’t want me to speak to the Dad. The friendship is very important to her.
But I feel that something is ‘off’ about it and I feel it was inappropriate of him to speak to her in this way. Advice?

I agree with this suggestion. Phone them and say you have spoken to your DD as above and ask if they found it. I cannot see a 13 year old stealing jewellery unless they have a drug habit or something! Very very different to picking up an eyeliner pencil.

In what way does the house sound 'chaotic'?

They definitely should have told you before speaking to your daughter, but you need to be prepared in case your daughter did take the jewellery. I was a bit light-fingered as a child and I was also good at lying. If they do involve the police it could be a disaster. (Luckily I’ve grown up into a law-biding citizen and I’m sure DD will too if she has done anything wrong)

Message or call to say you've asked your daughter and she says it wasn't her. Also, you don't appreciate him having this conversation with her without you present. If she had been questioned by police about a crime, she would have had to have a responsible adult with her to check she wasn't being unduly pressured into a confession or that nervous body language wasn't misconstrued into something it wasn't. There were other people besides your DD and the other (child) visitor who had opportunity to take the jewellery so they should not have been singled out in this way. I would leave it there and not expect a 'resolution' or apology but wouldn't be allowing DD to go round there again. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just say no if DD asks but say the friend is welcome round yours instead.

they were happy to have both kids stay over this weekend which seems odd to me if you suspect one of them is a thief!

I guess to give them the opportunity to put it back.

I think this is the way to go. Ask the friend over to you instead. Explain why to the father.

I don't see any accusations towards your DD here at all. But your reaction speaks volumes that you are very much remembering the eyeliner incident (where DD had taken something not hers and then lied about it). So you may be over sensitive in this area. Try not to let that colour or spoil your Dad's friendship.

I would be sending a message to say my dd was really upset by the insinuation that she was a thief and that his behaviour was unacceptable. The correct thing for him to have done, if he believed one of his dds friends had stolen from the house was to contact the parents about it.

As a pp said - the police are not allowed to speak to minors without an appropriate adult present - and his behaviour sounds aggressive and threatening.

I would be informing them that I had spoken to my dd, that she hadn't stolen anything from their home, and that because of his utterly inappropriate behaviour she would not be allowed to visit again, under any circumstances. I would not leave a child of mine unsupervised with the father.

He should have come to you first but I understand his reasoning - he probably wanted to give the friends an opportunity to fess up before involving parents and police. You need to have a serious talk with your daughter because once police are involved, she could well be interviewed under caution. There's a big difference between finding an eyeliner in the changing room and pocketing it and stealing potentially valuable jewellery from someone's house but it could be brought up as evidence of previous bad character. I wouldn't be letting my daughter go over to their house again.

They’d do absolutely nothing about it.

This. He is not someone DD should be around. Apart from anything else, he's trying to intimidate children deliberately. He should have spoken to you not accused her directly.

If you report a crime to police it's them who decides whether they're going to take statements from various people or not. Unless they find the jewellery there's absolutely zero point in fingerprinting anyone because the issue isn't has DD been in their house which is all fingerprints could show and we all know she's been there - with the homeowners permission! Her fingerprint could be in the jewellery box even and it still wouldn't mean she stole the jewellery.

A home with tons of people living there or dropping by? All police will do is give the homeowner a crime reference number so they can try to claim on insurance.

I definitely wouldn't ban her from going round again, it makes her look guilty as or that you don't trust her.

Always possible the dad has a secret gambling addiction or something, has lost a load of money so has pawned the jewellery without his wife knowing and is using the girls as scapegoats.

How dare this father decide to become Poirot and terrify a bunch of teenage girls. Wouldn't put it past someone like that to have taken the jewellery and plant it on someone to make them look guilty and perhaps get some cash out of their parents.
Definitely don't let your child go back there, don't let theirs come to you and I would be informing the girls' form tutor of what is going on. Totally inappropriate.

Who cares how it looks. Protecting the child is more important than what other people think.

I’d cool the friendship. I’d contact the parents and ask them to explain to you exactly what their suspicions are. IME some parents are quick to lay blame at the feet of other children, but when asked to articulate the reasoning, are vague and hyperbolic. Listen, let them ramble on, and say ‘I see; well, I don’t see any reason why DD might be involved, but given the worries you have, I’d prefer for her not to be under a cloud of suspicion. Be sure to let me know when you’ve figured it out. But I can categorically say that any suspicion of DD is misplaced.’

Insurance scam or family member/partner was my first thought.

My NDN was adamant that she knew who was stealing her jewellery. It turned out to be someone totally unexpected.

We had this with my son and a video game. The mother even sent her brother around, who was an off duty policeman (I told him I’d report him for intimidation and he scarpered).

It was apparently found down the side of his sister’s bed.

No apology.

I still would’ve reported him for that! He had no business in being at your door, absolute clown.

Why would he need to come to you first

My DD when she was 15 had a few DC round and someone stole something of her older brothers

I contacted one of her friends who we 100% knew wasn't the culprit but had good standing amongst the boys of the group one id which was the culprit

She kindly passed on the message to all of them that I would contact the school and the police if I didn't get the item back. I said I did t care who it was and for it to be returned anonymously.

It was soon returned

I didn't involve any parents, didn't even threaten to contact the parents, because contacting parents is pointless and would never get me my expensive items back.

Thanks for all the responses. I’ve not let her go over again, but she has met up with the children outside on the weekend. No mention or text or phone call from the Dad regarding it and friends haven’t mentioned it to DD again. So for now I’m leaving it. If he contacts me about it then I’ll say something.