DD always takes my comments as criticism

[Sunshinedreams1970]

My DD is 18 and in her 1st year at Uni. She has is intelligent, beautiful, interesting and I am constantly delighted by her.
But she reframes everything anyone says as a criticism examples are: I say ’I need to work out where your bags will fit in the car’ -she hears ‘ ‘You have packed too much stuff’.
It’s getting to the point where I am scared to make conversation for fear of her feeling criticised and belittled. I visited her at Uni this weekend and was gently asking about whether she had met anyone (she has never had a boyfriend/girlfriend, she struggles to let people get close to her). I asked how people do dating these days as I know it’s not the same as when I was young, do students do dating apps? Honestly just curious and making conversation She gets all defensive and says ‘Mum you think I’m lonely and on the shelf at 18’. She wasn’t joking.
What am so doing wrong? Is there a better way to chat? Honestly if I compliment her: it’s wrong, I don’t dare criticise her and even commenting about someone else makes her feel like I’m trying to get a dig in. I’m not! I just want to have dialogue with her.

Maybe rethink the way you converse with her?

For example - don't ask direct questions about anything specific. So stick with the "how are things?" or "did you have a good week?" if you go down the question route.

Think carefully before you speak EVERY time. Think to yourself: how will this sound when it comes out of my mouth?

Stop yourself from saying anything that could even slightly be construed as criticism, nosiness, or mistrust of her judgment.

Try out some random observational conversation such as, "I like that woman's shoes," or "bloody hell, those shoes are a bit strange" so that you are not focussing directly on her.

Anyway - I've been through this more than once with daughters of that age in the same boat. It's not easy, but they do grow out of it eventually!

the reverse and say im only concerned for you ?

or more open ended questions and add why do you think x, then your asking them to explain rather than having a concrete question yourself so to speak

Sounds like she has very low self esteem.

My dd is the same age and also at uni. I also feel I'm walking on eggshells. The car thing - i think fair enough, she's taking it too seriously, because in fact we do have to consider how to pack a car.

I wouldn't ask about whether my dd has met someone. Difficult enough getting info out of her about friends. I mean really we should be able to ask - it is just conversation..

I think I would say to dd 'you are being really sensitive and taking everything as a criticism when that's not how I meant it. Are you okay?'

My dd is also very sensitive and I have said the above to her before, now I just raise an eyebrow if she comes back with a negative interpretation of what I said and she rolls her eyes!

Tbf to your dd the asking questions about meeting people I'd be irritated about as it does feel like you're insinuating she can't make friends.

You sound annoying and passive aggressive OP

Which no doubt your DD has put up with for years and is just fed up

You think it's normal but it's not

You even say OP

'I don't dare criticise her'

That's a massive red flag 🚩

Why would you want to criticise her in the first place

My DM is critical person

But she just doesn't see it

She now does it to DD and DS

They think she's fucking rude and tell her that

She gets upset and just can't see it

She'll never change

So we visit far less than we would

DD nails are too long, wrong colour, DS stubble is awful etc etc etc

You could try not asking questions, it can create a bit of stress, especially if she's the type to be very sensitive to criticism and maybe worried she's not living up to your expectations. Maybe do something together that doesn't involve much talking. This will give her a chance to relax in your company and you can comment together after. I find movies, a show, an exhibition can be more enjoyable for them. My DS was like this and I have a tendency to constantly ask questions. It's not like that now he's 26!

This. My mother is so like this.

if I see her she would say

• gosh you are lost weight / gained weight etc and hard look up or down if that makes me self conscious she will say ‘don’t be so sensitive I’m making conversation ‘ then. I get
• your nails are short - why are you doing that?
• you look tired?
• you are being a big snappy?
• you need to watch x y of z?

It does sound like she has self esteem issues.

However, regarding the 'have you met someone' bit. Never ask that. If she has (friends/partner) she will tell you in due time. I remember being single at that age and absolutely hating that question. It might sound like a simple question, but it actually has so many other unsaid connotations ("if you haven't, why not? What's wrong with you? You'll be left on the shelf").

She's 18 fgs, it doesn't matter if she's never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's really not that unusual these days. Teens prefer the company of their friends without all the hassles and complications of relationships.

Try to ask fewer questions and make more positive remarks.

I need to work out where your bags will fit in the car try 'Great, this should fit in fine'.

was gently asking about whether she had met anyone Don't ask this.

I asked how people do dating these days as I know it’s not the same as when I was young, do students do dating apps? Don't ask this. Google it if you don't know.

You can't force dialogue, you need her to feel comfortable.

She gets all defensive and says ‘Mum you think I’m lonely and on the shelf at 18’. She wasn’t joking. Did you apologise?

I visited her at Uni this weekend and was gently asking about whether she had met anyone (she has never had a boyfriend/girlfriend, she struggles to let people get close to her). I asked how people do dating these days as I know it’s not the same as when I was young, do students do dating apps? Honestly just curious and making conversation*

Come on now. "Honestly just curious and making conversation?" Be honest. You were prying. You don't understand why your daughter has never had a boyfriend, you're worried about it, you don't think it's normal, and you're wanting to spur her to "get out there." You have absolutely critised/judged her by saying this.

Her personal life is none of your business, so unless she brings it up, stay out of it.

As for all the PP saying she has self esteem issues

She doesn't

She has a DM issue

THIS

My mother is seen (and most importantly sees herself 🙄) as the most wonderful kind & generous friend. She seems to achieve this by keeping all her nasty remarks & criticism for me.

Every comment is loaded with judgement.

She was away visiting family for 2 months, on her return the first thing she said was your hair looks nice ? (Question sounds like "for a change/why") & you look very tired 🙄
nearly all the family were brought clothes, I am not because I am fat etc etc

Interestingly like PP my kids will have none of it & either stare her down or ignore her until she behaves herself 😁

That is what I’m worried about. I would like to help her!

So I ask for advice about how to handle this better and this makes me a bad mother?

The car and luggage thing, you did nothing wrong, and I could relate to how it feels to get the response that you did. I have a DD who puts an unintended spin on that kind of thing.

But asking her if she's met anyone? If have cringed with embarrassment if my mum had asked me that. I absolutely did not want to discuss dating with her, or my failure in that department.

I was honestly just trying to open the door to make her feel like she can talk to me if she needs to.
She is perfectly entitled to keep her private life private, but I thought I was helping and ended up hurting her. That’s not what I want which is why I was asking for advice

Get the book “how to talk so kids will listen/how to listen do kids will talk. Its not necessary to decide the DD is all good or the OP is sll bad they just have a dynamic that isn’t working for them. As a lot of posters have pointed out OP’s conversational style can be read as passive aggressive or as covert commands. DD seems to feel judged and pushed by it. The only person OP can change is herself in the interaction so OP don’t get defensive. Try to change your approach and maybe DD will relax snd be more open snd comfortable with you.

Sometimes creating a little distance. Make her come to you….

EMILY: Now, Charlotte, when the conversation lags, a good guest ought to be prepared to introduce a new topic. Keep it light — no politics, no religion. My little trick? Think of things in the middle three sections of the Sunday New York Times — travel, arts & leisure, Sunday styles — and forget the rest of the paper exists.

Rules to live by with a very sensitive teen imo

If she does have low self esteem (or even if she doesn't), pretty much anything you say will be taken as a criticism, or that you are pointing out something you think she's doing wrong.

Everything needs to be rephrased. Make everything a positive, and crowbar praise in at every opportunity.