Unintended D pic

[AspirationaJess]

I’m in desperate need of advice and guidance. 

I have a 14yo daughter. I am in a 5 year relationship with my fiancé who also has a daughter. 

We are in the thick of selling his home and buying a home together. 

I have an incredibly acrimonious relationship with my ex. He has a criminal conviction for domestic abuse and has caused no end of misery for us from the emotional, to financial to psychological. I have my children 11/14 days. 

To the issue at hand. 

My daughter and I had words as she overheard a conversation that we were reluctant to share fully with her re the house sale and she was mardy about it. 

Fast forward a few hours and she sent me a code to access her Snapchat account which I manage from my email. According to her, she was logged out or something. 
So I sent her the code and somehow she accessed my Snapchat account. On reflection, I suspect she knew she could obtain information re the earlier conversation behind my back and tried her luck. 

I don’t particularly use Snapchat but last week while I was away with work, my fiancé and I were sexting (utilising the hotel WiFi) and one picture was saved in the chat. Unfortunately, this was a picture of his erect penis. 

I’d like to be clear that the intended audience was me. No one else. The fact that she has had sight of this is horrifying and embarrassing and the emotions we (partner and I) are feeling are incredibly wide ranging. 

There’s a full digital footprint of what happened- her asking for the code, me giving her it, her telling me she accidentally accessed my account then her saying she saw something she didn’t expect.

My daughter is more concerned with the fact that people of our age ‘shouldn’t’ be doing this. How this somehow makes HIM a weirdo and she feels weird about him. 

Obviously we would never have intended her to see this and we are very frightened that this has the potential to be misconstrued. Especially as her dad is proactive with devastating results at times. 

I’ve spoken to her about privacy. About how we haven’t done anything wrong by doing those things in an adult consensual relationship. About how we never intended her to see it. About how she was not the intended recipient and how she can’t communicate him being weird in relation to this because it has a certain connotation. 

We are honestly incredibly careful and aware of our dynamic and our intimacy and I’m devastated we have potentially exposed ourselves to something which will be taken massively out of context and be life altering.

I’ve woken up to her playing music and being cheery. Saying she’s fine and no visible signs of upset.

She does have a habit of saying things to provoke a reaction and i have massive worries she will drop this in conversation to her dad or someone else with unknown results.

We honestly don’t know what to do. If anything. 

We’ve flip flopped around attacking this head on and speaking to authorities or a solicitor. We’ve thought about ignoring it and continuing on as though nothing happened. We’ve thought about calling off our entire relationship incase IT’s misconstrued.

I think the issue is massively more risky because of my malicious ex being incredibly vocal about not liking my partner or me and being very bitter about the punishments he’s been given because of his behaviour. He’s said on numerous occasions he will ruin my life and he’s also intimidated he’s not comfortable with our children living with another man. For all of these reasons, we have major fear.

Any input would be appreciated.

[Triangulasaurus]

I think you are over thinking this. Your teen accessed your account and then must have snooped through in order to find the picture, yes? She accessed her mother's account and saw something she shouldn't have. Your partner didn't send her the picture. You've done nothing wrong, except stupidly save a picture like that.

Just move on, try not to worry, you spoke to her and cleared the air. Honestly, it's not that traumatic.

[Triangulasaurus]

Just adding that she is 14 not 4

[berksandbeyond]

I can’t believe that someone who is old enough to have a 14 year old daughter is using Snapchat misses point entirely

[BodyKeepingScore]

You're overthinking this. She accessed your private messaging account which contained a picture intended to be seen by you and you alone. If anything it should hopefully teach her a lesson for snooping. No crime has been committed here, the circumstances are easily explained should she be troublesome enough to try and bring it up with another adult and you and your OH have no case to explain here. He didn't send it to her, he sent it to you. I'd be more concerned about her underhanded attempts to read your messages.

[TellerTuesday]

What on earth were you planning to say to a solicitor??

Massively overthinking the whole thing. Yes, ideally your teenager wouldn't have seen a picture of your partners throb on but she also shouldn't be looking through your personal account so it is what it is.

[AspirationaJess]

I typically use Snapchat to communicate with my 14yo. Keep an eye on her location and my data on my phone wasn’t working. Not that i need to explain my reasoning

[AspirationaJess]

I didn’t actually save the photograph, I just didn’t delete it but i don’t give my kids access to my phone at all so i didn’t think it through.

[SuperGreens]

I wouldnt worry, shes probably finding your embarrassment highly amusing and planning how to best use the info for her personal gain (I have teenagers too).

[AspirationaJess]

I knocked I’m over thinking but if you take away the circumstances and put yourself in anyone else’s shoes… my 14 yo has seen a grown man’s erect penis. She’s never even had a boyfriend, genuinely! And it’s my partners. So of course her ah dad is going to take issue with that

mixing families is complicated as well

[BodyKeepingScore]

@AspirationaJess

I knocked I’m over thinking but if you take away the circumstances and put yourself in anyone else’s shoes… my 14 yo has seen a grown man’s erect penis. She’s never even had a boyfriend, genuinely! And it’s my partners. So of course her ah dad is going to take issue with that

mixing families is complicated as well

Her dad can take issue all he wants but neither you nor your partner have done anything wrong. I think it would be naive to think that at 14 she's never seen a photo of a penis before too.

[AspirationaJess]

This also isn’t a standard break up of a relationship (if there is such a thing!)

her father not only threatens but he relentlessly follows through and makes up all sorts of malicious lies. So that’s what I’m worried about.

there’s a little bit of truth in there somewhere and stories like that, ruin lives

[Dartmoorcheffy]

I very very much doubt she is going to tell this to her dad. She's old enough to know what he's like. She's also probably styling out her embarrassment knowing full well.she shouldn't have been snooping.

[Wallywobbles]

Do you think she would be malicious with the information. Because legally she's the one that would appear to be in the wrong I think. You might want to point that out. And that sharing the information would be getting herself into trouble.

[AspirationaJess]

I think every teen/child has the potential to play one parent off against the other without understanding the severity of what they are saying.
her dad vehemently hates us and as the child of that dynamic, she just wants to please him. I worry if she is cross at me for anything, she could potentially be nasty and give him ammunition without understanding the full picture.

[RollOnSpringDays]

Does the picture still exist - I am not familiar with Snapchat - could she have saved or shared the picture? I’d be more worried about a risk of that happening personally. I’d actually be giving her a stern talking to about what she’s done and checking her phone to make sure the picture isn’t saved anywhere or been shared. I get that you’re worried about her dad but you haven’t done a thing wrong - she has.

[lavagal]

I think you frighten her enough with how out of line she was to snoop in your account that she understands there was some wrongdoing on her part

[lul1]

She will never forget that!! My dd is 14 and I'm with her dad. Can't imagine what it's like when he's not even a relation.

You won't get in trouble it wasn't intended for her to see. Unless your bf knows your dd accesses your snap?

[BodyKeepingScore]

@AspirationaJess

I think every teen/child has the potential to play one parent off against the other without understanding the severity of what they are saying.
her dad vehemently hates us and as the child of that dynamic, she just wants to please him. I worry if she is cross at me for anything, she could potentially be nasty and give him ammunition without understanding the full picture.

At 14 she is more than old enough to understand the very serious repercussions of misrepresenting how she saw that photo. I'd be very firm in explaining to her in case you haven't already.

[AspirationaJess]

It would show if she saved the image and she hasn’t.

my partner didn’t know she could acces my Snapchat. Neither did I

[lul1]

Exactly. So it's a consequence of if you're looking you might find something you shouldn't.

[BoohooWoohoo]

If she took a photo of her phone screen with another device then you wouldn’t know about it.

[Dacadactyl]

Tbh I'd be fuming if I was her dad. Like going mental fuming, if I found out from DD and not you.

I'd probably bring it up with him in case she mentions it, to get ahead of it.

I wouldn't want her thinking that she has to keep secrets from him either.

[Shiningout]

I doubt the daughter has taken a photo of her mums boyfriend's penis, I think that would be very unlikely. She probably wants to scrub the image from. Her head completely!

[Shiningout]

@Dacadactyl

Tbh I'd be fuming if I was her dad. Like going mental fuming, if I found out from DD and not you.

I'd probably bring it up with him in case she mentions it, to get ahead of it.

I wouldn't want her thinking that she has to keep secrets from him either.

If they had an amicable relationship this might be wise, but when you're dealing with an abusive ex just having a casual conversation about your daughter seeing your boyfriend's dick pic is not going to go down well. I wouldn't say anything but be prepared to evidence exactly what happened should it be raised in the future

[AspirationaJess]

She was in the only device she has