Unintended D pic

[AspirationaJess]

I’m in desperate need of advice and guidance.

I have a 14yo daughter. I am in a 5 year relationship with my fiancé who also has a daughter.

We are in the thick of selling his home and buying a home together.

I have an incredibly acrimonious relationship with my ex. He has a criminal conviction for domestic abuse and has caused no end of misery for us from the emotional, to financial to psychological. I have my children 11/14 days.

To the issue at hand.

My daughter and I had words as she overheard a conversation that we were reluctant to share fully with her re the house sale and she was mardy about it.

Fast forward a few hours and she sent me a code to access her Snapchat account which I manage from my email. According to her, she was logged out or something.
So I sent her the code and somehow she accessed my Snapchat account. On reflection, I suspect she knew she could obtain information re the earlier conversation behind my back and tried her luck.

I don’t particularly use Snapchat but last week while I was away with work, my fiancé and I were sexting (utilising the hotel WiFi) and one picture was saved in the chat. Unfortunately, this was a picture of his erect penis.

I’d like to be clear that the intended audience was me. No one else. The fact that she has had sight of this is horrifying and embarrassing and the emotions we (partner and I) are feeling are incredibly wide ranging.

There’s a full digital footprint of what happened- her asking for the code, me giving her it, her telling me she accidentally accessed my account then her saying she saw something she didn’t expect.

My daughter is more concerned with the fact that people of our age ‘shouldn’t’ be doing this. How this somehow makes HIM a weirdo and she feels weird about him.

Obviously we would never have intended her to see this and we are very frightened that this has the potential to be misconstrued. Especially as her dad is proactive with devastating results at times.

I’ve spoken to her about privacy. About how we haven’t done anything wrong by doing those things in an adult consensual relationship. About how we never intended her to see it. About how she was not the intended recipient and how she can’t communicate him being weird in relation to this because it has a certain connotation.

We are honestly incredibly careful and aware of our dynamic and our intimacy and I’m devastated we have potentially exposed ourselves to something which will be taken massively out of context and be life altering.

I’ve woken up to her playing music and being cheery. Saying she’s fine and no visible signs of upset.

She does have a habit of saying things to provoke a reaction and i have massive worries she will drop this in conversation to her dad or someone else with unknown results.

We honestly don’t know what to do. If anything.

We’ve flip flopped around attacking this head on and speaking to authorities or a solicitor. We’ve thought about ignoring it and continuing on as though nothing happened. We’ve thought about calling off our entire relationship incase IT’s misconstrued.

I think the issue is massively more risky because of my malicious ex being incredibly vocal about not liking my partner or me and being very bitter about the punishments he’s been given because of his behaviour. He’s said on numerous occasions he will ruin my life and he’s also intimidated he’s not comfortable with our children living with another man. For all of these reasons, we have major fear.

Any input would be appreciated.

I absolutely get that and in a normal situation I’d completely agree with you but we have no communication whatsoever. He has a court order to not contact me or attempt to contact me.

all contact he has with our children is strictly court ordered as well.

anything which needs communicating re the children simply isn’t.

so therein lies my problem.

im not naive enough to think she isn’t exposed to any adult content. The stuff she tells me that happens at school and her friends or people she knows is terrifying. But it’s not someone else, it’s happened here. In her home.

And it’s all very well and good saying it’s explainable but we spent 3 years in courts and hundreds of thousands of pounds to get to this arrangement so i could safeguard my kids and maintain a relationship with them. He will jump all over this

To be totally paranoid about this, save all the evidence. So you need to save her message asking for a code, you sending the code and do not delete the message from your Snapchat. Keep it forever if you can.

What you don’t want to happen years from now is this to come back up again and to find that your DD took a photo of the Snapchat image or a friend did, and you cannot prove that this was the picture on your Snapchat which she accessed on the day she got the code.

Seriously keep it for a really long time as if things ever turned toxic between your DD and your partner or between you and your DD, you just never know what could happen. Family dynamics can be really weird!

So how's this playing out currently in your home? As you guys having done something wrong or her being a total dick?

I understand you’d be angry but feeling that way makes no logical sense.

im an adult in an adult relationship acting appropriately around my children.

her actions have resulted in her being exposed to something inappropriate. In the same way as if she saw something like that online. I can put as many safeguards in place but if she’s accidentally or intentionally gotten around them then it’s no one’s fault.

nothing to be angry about though Imo. I know her dad will feel differently though, everything I do from the major to the mundane is broadcast everywhere

She’s totally fine right now. Chatty and laughing. She says it’s bothered me more than her

My daughter is more concerned with the fact that people of our age ‘shouldn’t’ be doing this.

No one of any age should be doing this, if they have any sense at all.

I hope you use this experience to impress upon your daughter the massive lesson learned to never take and share intimate photos of yourself on your phone. It can backfire spectacularly and may have dire consequences, as you have learned.

I appreciate your input but that’s like saying to someone it’s their fault someone broke into their house.

you can only put so many safeguards in place but ultimately you aren’t to blame for someone taking advantage of you. Ever.

I simply don't understand how people are naive enough to allow a photo to be taken and shared. I teach my teen son not to be so stupid.

Honestly if it happened my child I would be fuming and would consider my options of child protection. No child should be exposed to her parents partner penis.

And I am not appreciating you blaming her accessing it. What if she had opened the pic in the or presence of another child?

In this case I would support your ex.you need to make him aware.

So tell her this?

Say you and your partner feel violated and she has behaved very badly. Ask her what the hell she was doing tricking you into providing a code to enable her to access your private Snapchat. Make her feel as uncomfortable about her own behaviour as you feel about the consequences of it. She is 14. She is old enough to know that she has deliberately breached your trust and caused you a lot of upset. This will be a learning experience for her.

Do you not allow your kids access to the internet or anyone their age then? Because there’s inappropriate content out there everywhere.

if she walked into the bathroom while he was showering or bedroom while he was changing would that be our fault too? Cos we tell her when we are using the bathroom. We close doors when we are changing. We password protect our apps and don’t allow our kids access to our phones. So unless we NEVER get naked or never act in totally acceptable adult ways in the privacy of our own homes and behind closed doors, there’s a risk.

im not saying she deserves to have seen it, merely that it wasn’t intentional and wholly regrettable she did. No more, no less

The DD hacked an account that wasn't hers.

Consenting adults can do whatever they like. If the teen walked in on them having sex would it still be their fault?

Adults are allowed to send naked pictures. The mom and boyfriend had an expectation of privacy.

Has your ex made accusations against your partner before? Otherwise I'd say you are overreacting. She snooped, not your fault

Not in any way a comparable scenario.

@Josette77 I would expect an adult to lock a door. And it is pure nonsense to expect privacy on any online activity,I would strongly suggest you read the T&C's of any app and you may be surprised.

I don't care about what adults do, but I have it drummed into my teen son not to ever put something online anywhere of not willing to share with anyone.

The daughter didn't hack she opened an account, facilitated by her mother. Are you seriously blaming a child on accessing this? Because child protection issues are not going to be too hot on that attitude.

This isn't accessing anonymous porn, this is an adult male who has access to her. If I was her parents I would be very very angry.

Lesson learned for your daughter about being underhand and trying to access a conversation that was nothing to do with her 🤷🏻‍♀️

It was a mistake, you did not send it to her. She was in your account.

Assume you have changed all your passwords & codes to ensure she has no other access you don’t know about. Move on & hopefully your dd will to.

Delete it and deny. Say it was a picture some random sent you and you're livid.

isn't the point of snapchat that the photos disappear? Why was the image still there?

Regardless, utterly grim.

I agree. I always tell my kids never to take a picture of anything that they wouldn't send on a postcard. Things are so easily shared and accessed, as OP has experienced.

OP- I am so sorry for all of you. Sorry for your daughter, to be in the middle of adults who can't negotiate for her upbringing without conflict, sorry that she has been exposed for this.

And while I have always preferred imaginary texts and never sent a photo of this nature, I can understand your complete and utter horror that your DD has witnessed this. Especially as this is a man who is in an adult relationship with her mother, and is in her home. I think you are very right to be afraid of the future and what this could mean.

As a parent, I would struggle to move past it, in all honesty.

But there is no point in assigning blame as what has happened, has happened. I think the PP who said document everything and keep it safe, just in case, is correct.

Most importantly, (and this is the biggest concern for me!) you need to keep the conversation going, and make sure she knows that was a mistake and not an acceptable thing to do, even if you are consenting adults. You are her role model, and she will think that this behaviour of sending graphic photos is ok. Which it absolutely isn't. She needs to know that the moment a photo is taken and saved, it has the potential to be shared and saved by many many many people. And that it's illegal, without specific consent. Especially for minors.

Yep that will go really well if the dd needs support at school from a counsellor! Honestly have some sense lying about a child seeing an adult male erect, can you actually hear what you are saying???

@Marblessolveeverything kids don't actually need to know the full unadulterated truth about everything. Tbh I'd reckon she's probably seen a dick pic or worse anyway if she has access to the internet and friends.

thank you everyone for your replies.

im grateful for all of the input.

@Remagirl wow, I really do worry about kids if this is other adults view is F**k what I exposed my child to sure there's worse out there!

And if an investigation is triggered by a disclosure? What then? If I was the father I would be pushing for it , it's going to look a hell of a lot worse when it comes out then.

Regardless of the daughter/ex. Images on Snapchat do not automatically save. You have to save it.... Unless it's been taken on phone camera and uploaded.... Even then it's only there for 24hrs.

You can't have 2 accts with same email, so she couldn't have accidentally have logged into yours.