Teenager ran away from home.

[RoxyOranhe]

Bit of back story. My daughter’s dad and I split when she was 9 months old. He was a compulsive liar, cheat and narcissist.
Anyrhing I provide for her, he does better. As of late, the last few family holidays he’s been on with his wife and other 2 children, our daughter hasn’t been included due to her attitude or lack of help around the house with chores etc. my husband and I aren’t in a position to go family holidays as we can’t afford it but anything we do do, we include all children.
for Christmas 2023 I got my daughter an iPhone 15 which was a bit of a stretch on my already long list of DD’s but I wanted her to have it. On the understanding that she do well in school and help out with chores and walk our dog. Not too much to ask a teenager. Or so I thought. In January we found out my dad had mouth cancer and would need surgery and I had knee surgery myself in February. I was on crutches for around 8 weeks and the help I was asking my daughter for was retaliated with eye rolls, back chat and refusal. After a few weeks of this I removed her phone. Why should she have luxury items if not will to help her mum?

not only was she not interested in helping me, she never bothered to ask how her papa was, visit him or her gran who was struggling and the attitude got worse and worse. Calling her younger brothers who are 5 and 6 various vulgar names.
her bedroom was a disgrace, sanitary towels stuck to vanity desk, dirty pants stuffed in school bags, I’ve seen videos of her vaping and even one of her saying she tried to commit suicide.

3 weeks ago, she made the decision to sneak out the house after I gave her a row for not helping. She went to her dad’s and has been there ever since. She wants nothing to do with me and I’m completely devastated! I can’t quite get my head around the fact she’s done this all over a row! I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, my concentration at work is so low I’m making multiple mistakes and I just don’t know what to do? My ex, her father, is no support at all. Knowing what she’s done and that I had taken luxuries off her he’s showered her with a new laptop, phone and Xbox. How do you compete with that?
any help is really appreciated.

thanks xx

How old is she.

Hmm, need more info.

How old is she?

What help were you expecting?

How clear were you that the phone was dependent on specific tasks?

What was said during the row?

Sorry, was trying to give info but not go on and on. She is 14.

i had asked her to hoover and dust the livingroom, empty the dishwasher and keep her room tidy. Nothing outrageous in my opinion. I hear at her dad’s she washes dries and puts dishes away, takes the bins out and washes the windows. No bother at all.

I was very clear at Christmas that the phone was a big gift. Her attitude started over a year ago so it’s really my own fault for dishing out hoping it would help, if that makes sense? In January she started to get really lippy and lazy around the house then after my surgery in February she was doing nothing. By late February enough was enough so I took the phone off her.

the row happened because I had been asking her for 4 hours to help. Any time I would ask her to do anything she would dictate to me when. After lunch or after her shower. Then it was ‘I don’t need to do it now, I’ve got all day to do it’ along with the eye rolling. Bearing in mind she knew helping would help get her phone back but she didn’t bother. By the time she picked up the hoover I told her to put it back and that if she had to be asked time and time again she wasn’t interested and the praise of helping was gone.

If shes safe and happy and still going to school where she is id let her stay with her dad.
You need a break from all the drama.
Just take a step back from it all and let her get on with it.
It's hard to do the above but sometimes it's needed.
Just let her know that your door is open if she wants to come back home.
He`s her parent as well so let him deal with it wont be long she will get board.
If he feeds her lies let him she will see him for what he is in the end. (may take years)
The more hes spending on fancy gadgets the less you have to.
Take this time for you.
Id be in her room tonight with a bin giving it a good clean and a final word want to live like a pig live at your dads.
Tough love not gadgets.

I don’t think you should have removed the phone indefinitely. Sadly it is an integral part of young people’s lives and you have cut that off. Did she have an old phone to replace it, or was that it?

Leave her where she is and have a break, let your house have some peace. Stepdaughter was a nightmare for doing this when she was a teen and in the end it was a godsend when she flounced back to her mums for a few weeks! She hit 19 and changed overnight into a fairly decent human being!

I suspect that once the the attitude shits her dad and his partner the presents will stop. She will revert to form soon enough. Something will give.

I was hoping this too. He was forever bringing her home early when she would annoy their other kids but it seems like they are taking sheet delight in this and have a point to prove. I feel like I’m grieving

When I was 12/13 I was doing housework. When I was 14 I had a job. I’m parenting how I was brought up and don’t think I was asking for much. This attitude I’ve been getting has went on for well over a year. I’m hoping she comes back soon and realises the upset she’s caused. Not just for me but her grandparents

This. Leave her there. One or both of them will find that the shine soon wears off - and then you can happily have her home but make it clear that there are rules at home and she needs to respect them.

Enjoy the peace, it won't last long.

I get that but it’s a luxury item I was paying for. Was a privilege for her to have it, not a right. To be spoken to like something on the sole of her shoe, she would shout at me while clenching her fists and shout over me during any discussion. you’re damn right I’m taking that phone away. I thought she would have proved herself to get it back but she couldn’t have cared less. But it doesn’t matter anyway cause her dad has run out and bought her one now.

The novelty will definitely wear off him quicker.

YABU about the phone, gifts shouldn't be conditional. Either buy her ridiculously expensive gift, or don't, but don't put conditions on it.
Helping at home should be expected to an extent and gradually expanded as they get older, so YANBU to expect her to help but you set it up to be adversarial rather than cooperative.

Op in the nicest possible way she’s a teenager and not only that but a teenager who’s gone through a lot. Parents splitting is huge. You sound really angry and bitter which is fair enough but she needs positivity and encouragement and you both need to just be around each other with no anger and repercussions. When things get really bad here I leave the guys to watch YouTube or Fortnite and then I just sit with them until we’re chatting. That’s what you need

The novelty will definitely wear off him quicker.
Shes 14, she doesn’t need disappointments, it shouldn’t be a mum vs dad thing

'Why should she have luxury items if not will to help her mum?'

You cannot hold a teenager to ransom over a gift!

What a silly thing to do.

A gift is a gift and your putting good behaviour stipulations was unfair because of immaturity.

The way to have done it would have been to reward good behaviour after a set amount of time.

not only was she not interested in helping me, she never bothered to ask how her papa was, visit him or her gran who was struggling and the attitude got worse and worse. Calling her younger brothers who are 5 and 6 various vulgar names.
her bedroom was a disgrace, sanitary towels stuck to vanity desk, dirty pants stuffed in school bags, I’ve seen videos of her vaping and even one of her saying she tried to commit suicide.

The fact that you list her talking about trying to commit suicide into her list of misdeeds rather than a possible cry for help is worrying

I meant the novelty will wear off him quicker than our daughter. He’s done it plenty times before. If he’s handing out gifts left right and centre, obviously she’s going to want to stay there. He’s been in a position all her life to shower her in gifts all year round. I’ve never been able to but would bake with her, colour in when she was small etc. Getting into the teenage years we’d watch movies with snacks and face masks and have girly days out. Things that don’t cost much money but spending time with her regardless.

I know it’s worrying. I’m terrified. I’m on a forum I’ve never used before rambling about everything because I need help. I wasn’t aware there was a way to list things. I’m basically word vomiting here.

Enjoy the break.
She'll be back soon.
When she does make sure you're firm re your house rules.

She was going to get the phone back when the good behaviour came but it never did.

maybe it’s just the way I was brought up. If I was being a brat my phone was taken off me or I was grounded for 2 weeks etc.

being a parent is not easy.

the phone was not given to her as a bribe to help with housework. Chores growing up is a great way for kids to earn some pocket money. I took the phone away because of a multitude of reasons.

You keep harping on about the way you were raised but sometimes our own parents got it wrong so I would replicate your upbringing with her.

She’s 14 and your post makes it sound like she’s an enemy. You need to rein it in a bit and find better ways to communicate that don’t involve confiscating gifts. You’ve weaponised her phone, no wonder she was annoyed.

You've misunderstood me.

You gave the gift with stipulations that she must behave.

That was not a good idea when dealing with a teenager.

Mine are adults now and my personal view and how I was raised is to give something AFTER they have behaved well and not BEFORE as that's setting them up to fail as the very nature of teenagers is to be rebellious.

If she gets spoilt rotten at her fathers it will backfire as he will be creating a monster. It sounds like her behavioural issues are already because she's spoilt with gifts.

RoxyOranhe
ah sorry, I thought it was a random poster saying it x hopefully ye end up back together watching movies x hugs op

I think taking her phone away for an indefinite period wasn't a good idea. Not many of us, from teenage upwards (possibly before that age) can manage for long without our phones these days. It's not like grounding a kid for a week or so. It potentially totally isolated them from all friendship groups at a really vulnerable age. Pretty much all arrangements for seeing each other, group social chats or even chats about homework are done by phone. If she's been told that she will eventually get her phone back when all your expectations are met it doesn't really give much incentive.
How much help did you expect op? If a teen is getting to school and back, doing homework that is a fair proportion of their day gone. If the expectation is for a daily dog walk, daily emptying dishwasher and decent room that is quite a lot. I think you probably need a bit of space from each other for now. It can be hard being the oldest with such a big gap. The teen can be seen as almost grown up when they have a lot going on themselves at this stage of their lives. It will work out ok op. Just give yourself...and her some time. 💐