Teenager ran away from home.

[RoxyOranhe]

Bit of back story. My daughter’s dad and I split when she was 9 months old. He was a compulsive liar, cheat and narcissist.
Anyrhing I provide for her, he does better. As of late, the last few family holidays he’s been on with his wife and other 2 children, our daughter hasn’t been included due to her attitude or lack of help around the house with chores etc. my husband and I aren’t in a position to go family holidays as we can’t afford it but anything we do do, we include all children.
for Christmas 2023 I got my daughter an iPhone 15 which was a bit of a stretch on my already long list of DD’s but I wanted her to have it. On the understanding that she do well in school and help out with chores and walk our dog. Not too much to ask a teenager. Or so I thought. In January we found out my dad had mouth cancer and would need surgery and I had knee surgery myself in February. I was on crutches for around 8 weeks and the help I was asking my daughter for was retaliated with eye rolls, back chat and refusal. After a few weeks of this I removed her phone. Why should she have luxury items if not will to help her mum?

not only was she not interested in helping me, she never bothered to ask how her papa was, visit him or her gran who was struggling and the attitude got worse and worse. Calling her younger brothers who are 5 and 6 various vulgar names.
her bedroom was a disgrace, sanitary towels stuck to vanity desk, dirty pants stuffed in school bags, I’ve seen videos of her vaping and even one of her saying she tried to commit suicide.

3 weeks ago, she made the decision to sneak out the house after I gave her a row for not helping. She went to her dad’s and has been there ever since. She wants nothing to do with me and I’m completely devastated! I can’t quite get my head around the fact she’s done this all over a row! I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, my concentration at work is so low I’m making multiple mistakes and I just don’t know what to do? My ex, her father, is no support at all. Knowing what she’s done and that I had taken luxuries off her he’s showered her with a new laptop, phone and Xbox. How do you compete with that?
any help is really appreciated.

thanks xx

I made a comment about how I was raised as I have nothing else to compare this too.
she’s in no way the enemy. She’s my daughter and I love her. I’m just completely lost and have no idea how to fix it

What have you done to get her help about possibly having tried to kill herself? That's an enormously bigger deal than anything else you mention.

Surely a reverse

Couldn't agree more.

I'm going to stick my neck out here and say I think you're demanding. Demanding too much of her. Maybe 'chores are a great way to earn money' but presumably if she doesn't want the money, then she doesn't do the chores? Or are the chores non-negotiable? I actually really dislike the word 'chore' because of its boring, compulsory connotations.

Remember Amber Peat? Hopefully your treatment of her is not like Amber's mum and stepdad, but the best thing to be with teenagers is kind, not demanding.

She wasn’t completely cut off. She had her laptop which allowed her access to contact her friends. She uses that for some social media apps too so she could still chat with friends. It’s was more the disrespect thing that got me.
for housework it wasn’t everyday. Dust once a week, empty the dishwasher if my husband or hadn’t emptied it first , hoover round the living room. Nothing major. Well, not to me but must have been to her. I really hope she does want to come back cause this is killing me.

To be brutally honest, if you're rewarding her eventual good behaviour with telling her it isn't good enough, there's absolutely no incentive for her to ever want to pull her finger out. You can't constantly criticise a teenager and then expect them to prove you wrong. As you can see, she'll internalise the message that she's useless and stop trying altogether.

It's particularly telling that she'll do chores when her entire character isn't at stake.

Also, a gift should be a gift, not a bargaining tool.

As soon as I seen the video I called her dad and they both came up and we spoke about it in great detail. She said it was a lie and that she would never do anything like that but I’m in the process of getting her help through our GP.

Completely agree with this, her father is trying to buy her affection before getting bored and throwing it away and you are trying to buy her obedience.

it was a gift you cannot say you are giving it based on a certain set of things being reached

she needs help

Sorry, I didn’t see chores like that but I totally see your point.
you’ll need to excuse my ignorance here but I had to google that girl and it’s truly heartbreaking.
if I’d known all this would happen I’d have kept my mouth shut. This was the last thing I wanted. She was like my best friend then over the last year it’s all changed. I’m in contact with her dad very often to check in and make sure she’s ok and she is. I’m hoping if I bide my time and give her the space she wants, she’ll come back to me and we can build that closeness back.

She does need help. I think we all do.
I didn’t see it as trying to buy her obedience, I feel awful. I need to hear the harsh truths here in order to help me navigate this. Thank you

You could ask your school for something called Early Help. Early Help can provide you with parenting courses and parenting support.

If im blunt and honest (im a safeguarding lead at secondary school) I think you need to change they way you are parenting. By talking through to understand why some of the things you are doing won't be helping. Like you say, the only example you have is your own parents. What if you want to do better than they did?

Thank you. I will do that in the morning.

Your child doesn't exist to help you do jobs. Flip your thought around on this. Imagine a world where children can be children without burdens of responsibility - that's a really nurturing, child centered world. Yes, children need to learn to ge responsible. But that should be done for the benefit of the child, not what helps you as a mum out.

Who's job is it to dust, do the dishwasher, wash pots, tidy up? It's yours, the parents. Not the child. Unless the child is a young carer and has caring responsibilities- but that's a while other thing.

Assuming not a YC, then be more creative in ways to develop responsibility and independence. Because if that's your aim, insisting she does (your) housework and if she doesn't taking her phone away - that's not the way to grow a responsible young person.

Taking her phone away is a whole thing to look at too. Phones are front and centre importance to teens. Limiting phone use (which is important) is something that parents need to give thought and consideration to managing, with compassion and empathy. Parents need to limit, restrict and sometimes remove phones and tech. But not on a whim. Not through petulant anger: "Do these jobs or I'm having your phone".Also, the phone was a gift.

You've got every reason to be disappointed and sad.

She is being self centred, and lacks empathy. And being appalling to your 5 and 6 year old is really not on.

The main thing is she is safe, so leave her where she is and have a well deserved breather from her and enjoy the peace. Try not to feel hurt or guilty.

Her idiot of a father is not doing her any favours at all, and he will soon realise what you've had to deal with when her niceness and compliance wears thin, and no doubt he'll want her to go back to you.

When that happens, it's your house and your rules and you must have calm and peace and a certain standard of living that you require I.e. no dirty pants in school bags or used sanitary towels on display and bellowing at your little ones. Helping a bit around the house is also a positive for her as well as you.

It really is not a lot to ask of her.

Good luck 💐