15yr old DS with ADHD - please tell me things will get better

[Coolmom81]

My first MN post so be gentle! I have a 15yr old DS currently with suspected (but not diagnosed) Inattentive ADHD and Autism. The Inattentive part is important to stress because this seems to be the crux of the issues. We have been battling for assessment since he was 11 and it has been the most exhausting journey due to COVID an unhelpful SEN and his school being in a different county to the one that we live although only a few miles away. Anyway, my question is does it get better as they get older. I can’t help to worry that if we weren’t literally yelling at him to get out of bed and to study he would just not go to school and stay in bed all day. Now I know he is a teenage boy and I get that a lot of people will say this is normal teen boy behaviour, but it’s not (I’ve already had teens) - it’s extreme. He wants to go to Uni after A levels but I have no idea how he would motivate himself if his Dad and I weren’t there to force him out of bed. Has anyone had similar experience and watched there child grow into a fully functional adult 🙏🏻

@soupbeans i don't know. We're on the south coast. All assessments tried to get school involvement, including camhs - they sent the forms etc but i explained they wouldn't get much information as the schools had been quite obstructive plus my dds masked in school. My ds is quite obviously adhd but as he is bright I'm guessing the school was quite happy not to raise any issues.

God it's hard not to yell occasionally.

16yo ASD DS has a computing mock tomorrow. He wants to do computing at a level.
His teacher sent an email 4 days ago saying he'd sent a paper home with questions to help revise for the exam. DS and I had a conversation about it, and we agreed that teachers' last minute hints about the exam should be listened to as they may well be on the exam paper.

We've had several conversations since about him using the paper to revise. I just checked now if he's done it, but not only has he not done it, he now claims he knows nothing about it and we didn't have several conversations about it.

He was so frigging rude about it too.

I asked him to look in his school bag and he kept answering back, so I am afraid I lost it and shouted at him to make him turn his bag out.

He put all the bits of paper on the sofa and said none of them were a computer paper and anyway he had no idea what I meant.

I looked at all of them and sure enough there it was.

Fucking hell it's like pulling teeth.

@partyplanningseason
Not in the same league as exams but my DS goes on and on about mt biking. I found a group, contacted the instructor, booked him on, filled out GDP paperwork he knew it was this morning and I got him up. At the last minute couldn’t find the bike lock to release the wheel anywhere so I had to cancel as we couldn’t get bike in the car. I just feel so defeated that if I don’t micromanage every last detail it goes to pot so I can relate to your story very well!

That sounds hugely frustrating!!! Solidarity!

Another one- both DC play rugby.

Every Saturday evening I ask them if they have checked they have all their kit in their bags. I double check they're sure? "Yes"

Come Sunday morning "I can't find my boots / gum shield" as it turns out they only looked AT the bag not IN it.

They've both been playing rugby for years, are at secondary and are smart kids, and are so convincing that they've really checked this time that Muggins here believes them.

But actually, it turns out I STILL need to make them demonstrate they've found everything by showing it to me or I can't trust they've actually done it. Argh!!!

Apologies OP for the derail!

It all sounds familiar. Especially the looking but not looking or not seeing things! I’m trying again to get DS diagnosed. Unfortunately thought inattentive type which I think he has is more difficult to pin down and school don’t see as much as they make accommodations plus he’s not bouncing off the walls behaviourally and they like to say all his behaviour is due to his ASC….

I've given up with trying to get DS diagnosed with ADHD. He's diagnosed ASD, but I have ADHD and there are ways his brain works that are so similar to mine.

I've thought this for years, and he came to the same conclusion independently. We tried for a diagnosis but CAHMS asked the school and they couldn't see it so that was the end of that.

He gets the accommodations he needs at school (e.g. computer in exams) so I'm not sure if he's worth pushing uphill on this one.

Just because he isn’t bouncing off the walls doesn’t mean he isn’t hyperactive

I think this is why girls and women were overlooked for years.

He might not be physically running around and jumping off windowsills but his mind could be going non stop thinking about multiple things at once.

How does he feel about his diagnosis?

Mine was transformative for me, but I was older. I pushed for DS1 to get a diagnosis, which he did at age 10, but he hasn't been as enthused as I was. We've had lots of interesting chats but whereas I have obsessed over ADHD pages and forums and books and podcasts, he's been mildly interested and that's about it really.

Honestly, one thing I would 100% encourage is for him to follow any dreams and ideas that he has. Rather than assuming or worrying that he won't be able to do it - try to support him in ways which he can. Looking at alternative options is fine, but only if they are presented as an option rather than trying to persuade him away from A Levels. In hindsight, I would have done much better continuing at school in A Levels, because the school environment is structured, and that worked very well for me. After GCSEs (where I had been predicted mostly As with a few Bs and Cs, but ended up getting mostly Bs and Cs with a couple of As) I went to college and did a BTEC in a more vocational (creative) subject and just floundered, because the course was so very open and much more grown up in terms of basically giving us freedom to study and choose whatever. It was MUCH too open for me, I couldn't cope with the self-motivation, time management and organisation required. I didn't know I had ADHD then, it wasn't routinely diagnosed in non-hyperactive bright teenagers at that time.

I struggle to wake up in the mornings without medication. So does DS1 (it's really the main way his ADHD affects him at the moment - he does not want to take medication.) I can explain how this feels for me if it would be helpful? Both DS and I find that a QR code alarm is very helpful - this is an app where you have to scan a barcode, we use the barcode of the soap dispenser in the bathroom or a brand of shampoo/toothpaste which we always buy.

DS also finds it helpful that DH installed a smart bulb in his bedroom light and it's programmed to come on in the morning. A light alarm clock would probably serve the same purpose. For some people with ADHD, there is a lack of the correct sleep-cycle hormones or they occur later in the day, so trying to wake up at 7am feels like trying to wake up at 5am. I do a lot better if I can wake up after 8 and the best if I can sleep (or at least snooze) until 9ish. Trying to wake up too fast is also a disaster.

Combine that with the fact that teenage circadian rhythms are often later-shifted as well - you can see the issue.

If he struggles to fall asleep at night, talk to the GP as they may have some suggestions (although I think they will probably suggest sleep hygeine first).

If you have access to one it might be worth speaking to a neurologist about medication/tics. I believe that it's basically similar to other side effects in that because the medication is short acting, if he stops taking it then they should go back to normal again, so it ought to be possible to try it and see. But also that they may be worse initially, and then calm down within a couple of weeks of being on the medication but you might get resurgence of tics as it's wearing off. They may want to titrate (wean him up) more slowly than usual. This is normally done slowly anyway, but it might be better to do it even more slowly?

I can honestly say that meds for DS have been a game changer.

What you describe is what DS was like at 15 years old

Managed to get DS diagnosed at 20 . It would have been sooner but firstly exh convinced him I was just jumping on some bandwagon (even though when I started trying to get him diagnosed there wasn’t a band wagon) and there was nothing wrong with him

Then when DS begrudgingly said he would pursue a diagnosis, and saw the gp who referred him it took so many battles and years to get him assessed. (Our area had a 6 week waiting list at the time)

Another doctor in the GP’s surgery who had never seen DS put a stop to his referral (but never told anyone) and when questioned what had happened said he needed to fill out a form on drugs and alcohol intake before being referred
Form filled out and returned over a dozen times and despite having emails to say the form was received and receptionists confirming receipt over the telephone (they were looking at it) it would then get deleted.

Then when DS was actually referred, during the telephone interview DS got told he had to try organising himself and to go back in 8 weeks to see how he got on (another words try to be a little more NT and see if you can do it)

Only to find when he went back after 8 weeks the interviewer had struck him off the list and he had to start from scratch

3 times this happened until I actually tracked down the nurse who was giving this unsolicited advice and she admitted she knew nothing about adhd and it was a box ticking job

Went in finally for his assessment after 3 years, instead of the 6 weeks it should have taken and he was diagnosed within the hour and given his first prescription

Would recommend Ross Greene's approach BTW - the Collaborative Problem Solving. The usual book recommended is The Explosive Child, which is excellent even if the child doesn't have "outwardly explosive" behaviour - but he has written a newer one called Raising Human Beings, which is aimed at parents who aren't experiencing the "explosive" behaviour, and still outlines how you can use the process.

I find it brilliant because rather than assuming the problem is motivation, it looks at the environment and the goals and encourages you to pinpoint where you/he is getting stuck, and then you can use that information to either support past that obstacle, or take a different route around it.

I use it as a framework for myself as well as for my DC. It's also great because it really takes DC's perspective into account, which is so important at any age, but very much so at this age because at this age you have very little leverage from your end, so you have to work with them not against them.

Yes, it can be subtle or internal behaviour which I think is him to a T but it’s hard to spot these especially with a supreme masker which my son is. Our CAMHS is pretty keen to say it’s all his ASC plus our area uses an older diagnostic criteria which doesn’t pick up inattentive type. I’m having a last attempt through RTC pathway but still may be stymied by the required 2 settings observations as school don’t see the subtle behaviours as they’re busy with the ones who are overtly bouncing off the walls unfortunately!