Feeling a bit lost

[TheFunnyPinkWriter]

I'm a mum of a 13 year old boy (14 in June) and 11 year old daughter (12 in July) and I feel like I've lost them.
My son went through 2 years of being an absolute knob but has come out of the other side and is actually a decent human most of the time. My daughter has entered in the being a knob stage so I know we just need to ride it out like we did with our son.

We are at the end of the Easter holidays and I feel like I've lost them completely. We've had a few days out in which they were pretty ungrateful and unresponsive (her more than him). They barely leave thier rooms other than to eat, even if they don't have thier phones or consoles.

I work in pastoral in a college so I am very aware its all normal teenage behaviour but I'm more worried about the impact it's having on me!

I've spent the last almost 14 years feeling totally overwhelmed and overstimulated, desperate to not have to entertain them and for them to be more independent but now it's happening, I hate it. I have the same holidays that they do so we are all at home together, I do pop out for a few hours here and there on my own but they aren't big enough to be alone all day by yet in my opinion. They barely leave the house unless they meet up with their friends (son has done it twice this holiday, daughter only once) or we have something planned.

I feel totally isolated and like I have noone to spend time with now. I'm absolutely dreading the summer holidays!

Please tell me I'm not the only one!

Totally get it. My two are the same ages and today is a case in point: my husband is going out at 1pm, they are both just doing their own things, and that leaves me absolutely shit all to do. I just have to be here like I'm not a person with my own plans and interests.

My DD is autistic so I don't feel I can go out for a few hours leaving her at home. I'm just existing around them at this stage.

It just totally sucks doesn't it!
I want them to do their own thing and live their best lives, I don't expect them to be my best friend and want to be with me all the time but I feel at a total loss without them too!

I guess it doesn't help that my husband (their dad) has had quite a lot of annual leave this holiday and that means I feel like I've had another person to entertain and then he disappears back to work and I'm at home with naff all to do!

You are not the only one! I feel exactly the same!

I am a single parent to a 15-yr-old and have waited years to have time to myself and now I do, I feel strangely bereft. And although I have the time, I am not free of the mental load that comes with parenting! It's a strange sort of limbo.

It's a real adjustment that I wasn't prepared for. No words of wisdom from other than to say it's all part of the normal process of letting go I guess. . .Doesn't make it easy. I try to make sure I am building my own life in between the constant worrying and fussing!

Yeah, it's not like I desperately want to hang around with them all day either, but I hate just sitting in the house. Hate it. I just end up staring at my phone or cleaning. Big woop. Then Monday comes and it's back to work with not a moment of joy in the weekend.

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only one, it's such a funny place to be in.
I hugely struggled with emotional burden of having children, the constant being needed and I think I totally lost who I am in the process.

Really feeling the same this morning, so much so that I've come on to mumsnet to see if anyone in the same boat!
Mine has just turned 13 and wants to do nothing with me - everything I've suggested for the weekend has been shot down.
He's my only and I'm a single parent, I've no clue what the best thing to do is. Part of my feels like I should insist we do something active outside, even a walk would do but he tells me he'll just resent me if I do that. So I've left him watching a movie alone :(
Wasn't ready for this stage at all!

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Exactly this!
We have plans with my husband's family this afternoon and I am desperate not to go. Not because I don't want to be around then but I'm so sick of doing everything everyone else expects of me that I am now in a rubbish mood 🤦🏼‍♀️
Then tomorrow, it's the football and netball madness that means I won't get home until 6pm then back to work on Monday....YAY! 🙄

I think it is safe to say we are not alone in this! I was so prepared for the empty nest bit when they actually leave home but not the weird in between bit when they still need you but don't actually need you like they used to, it's so hard!

I think one of the only things we can do is make a routine for ourselves maybe?
Maybe find a podcast that you like, pop some headphones on and go for a walk?

It's so hard isn't it. I hate having things booked in with other people at the weekend, I just want to decide on the day something nice we'd both enjoy! Instead of just more never ending responsibility to other people

But at the ages they are you can go out all day and leave them?
Once at secondary I was perfectly capable of sorting myself out.
Empty nest totally sucks.
But it is totally healthy for your kids to start to cut the aprons strings.
If not you've got the 40 year virgin living with you. I've seen them pushing the trolly round the supermarket for their ageing mothers each week.
Not really healthy.
You need to develop your own interests and fun
Then when you do, do stuff together it beneficial for you both.
I'm close to my adult son.
Miss him but glad he's moved out and does his own thing.
But when we do get together it fun.
That's good for your dh too.
Remember happiness is an inside job

Its the not even being wanted never mind needed that is killing me - and I clearly remember what being a teenager is like and hating the neediness of my mum so I really shouldn't be surprised!

I think building a routine is a good idea, rather than just moping around after being rejected! 🤦‍♀️

I couldn't agree with you more.
The kids will have a great time with their cousins and I honestly love my husband's family, I just don't want to do something that is "expected" of me but on the flip side, what am I going to do?! Sit at home and scroll through TikTok for hours? Watch another Netflix programme? That's been what most of the Easter Holidays have been for me

Yeah and maybe if you'd enjoyed the Easter break more you wouldn't be feeling resentful of today's plans, I find when I've been stuck in a rut for a few weeks it makes it even harder to do planned things.

I know other families do stuff with their teenagers which makes it harder for me, like how have I got it so wrong that he doesn't want to spend time with me now.
It's like a flip was switched when he turned 13 :(

You are completely right, I would hate for them to feel tied to me and I absolutely want them to go and do all of those rites of passage things that come with growing up. I think I've been so concentrated on getting them to this point that I didn't stop to consider the impact it is having on me!
I'm not sure I could leave them at home all day at this age, maybe next year when my daughter is at the end of Year 8. My sister and I were left at home all day from when I was at the end of Year 7 (she's 2 years younger) and it was way too much responsibility, I vowed I'd never do it to my kids but each to thier own 😊

I've done the 'get your own hobbies and interests' thing and I don't know how much it helps. Because DD is autistic I feel really responsible for her so if I go out, DH has to be here. And even then they're solo hobbies so they don't bring interaction.

All I want is a friend to reach out and suggest lunch or drinks or something but nobody ever does. The last few years have been very hard and I think I became a lot less fun to hang out with.

I'm beyond sick of myself and my life to be honest. Where is the joy, where is it?

Yeah DD also turned 13 and went 'right I basically live in my room now, byeee'.

But wants to chat at midnight because that's when her nocturnal brain comes alive 🙄

You haven't got it wrong at all I promise! I work with 16-19 year olds and most of them choose to spend time with their friends over thier parents but know they have a safe home to go back to and actually that is all they really want from thier parents x

I get what you're saying but I do think 13 is still very young. I've no problem going out for a bit and leaving for a few hours , he's more than capable of looking after himself in that time.
I just think it's too young to give up completely on family time? Like I actually want to spend time with him, he's fun! Don't get me wrong, I love and need time to myself too but just not quite ready for this complete cut off!

Ahh so sorry you're feeling like this @EvenStillIWantTo

What about asking a friend to go for lunch, would they be around? I often find I have to make the effort with friends more at the weekend, as all mine have husbands and more than one child they weekends are far busier than mine!
Don't know if that helps x

Ah thank you for that @TheFunnyPinkWriter x
That is what I want of course, to be his safe place.
I'm sure we will come through the other side, it's just so hard when in the thick of it isn't it.
I'm taking your advice and getting out for a walk now, (before the rain appears!) I hope your afternoon goes well x

Thank you @WaveyGodshawk but I'm a bit lost on the friendship front. My closest friend has a stupidly busy life and is ok for texting but can rarely meet.

I'm overall a bit lost in life just now, and sitting around the house with time to think is really not helpful to my mental health unfortunately. With little kids you can at least shuffle them out to the park and blow off steam.

I'm the same, I don't actually have any friends that are close by and the ones that live close enough for a lunch or night out have a very different version of finances to us and think £150 per head is doable for everyone and poo-poo places I suggest. My sister and my mum are the ones I go out with but my sister has no children (by choice and no plans to) and my mum is ridiculously busy for someone who is effectively retired 🤣

Yes I end up spending time with my mum and sister too which is nice but also sometimes feels a bit sad!